I’m new to this. I’m 35 and trying to de-program.

[Ang.528]

I just started learning about BPD and how my mom has it. I had heard of the term before but a new psychologist I am seeing just drew my attention to it. She asked me all the questions to qualify my Mom and all but one were a 100% fit. I’m 35 and trying to de-program. I came back to stay with my parents during Covid but heading back to my condo in a week or so and the agony of me leaving according to her does not go unnoticed. I want to stop feeling so guilty. So shameful. So enmeshed. I want to grow and evolve.

[curious quandary]

Welcome ANG.528!
I am new to this forum as well, also similar age, uBPD mom, enmeshed, etc. It is tough, hang in there.

Becoming aware that BPD exists is the first step. A couple of years ago my sister's therapist told her and she told me and it shook my world. Learning more about it and talking with my therapist has changed the way I look at everything.

It's great that this online community exists and that you're a part of it now. You do not have to feel guilty for going back to your own place and living your own life. Easier said than done, I know. What do you look forward to at your condo?

[Ang.528]

Thank you! I don’t understand the terms fully yet. What’s uBPD? Please teach me! I do feel guilt and I do feel bad since there is nobody to help her and my Dad. But I talked my therapist last night and she really helped me make sense of it. So slowly, working to unpack my reactions and think them through.
I am looking forward to having my freedom again. Not being controlled. Making my own decisions without her always commenting on even my most minor movements. I can go see friends (social distanced) and feel like myself again. I’m doing some Renos too so looking forward to all of that!

[Harri]

Hi Ang!

Here is a list of all the terms and abbreviations we use here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=26601.0  Some of them are quite complex

uBPD = undiagnosed BPD
pwBPD = person with BPD

Glad to have you here and I am happy you will be going back to your own condo!   Once I moved out of the house, my own space was vital to my recovery.

 

[Ang.528]

Thanks Harri!  I will read up more and familiarize myself.

There’s such a long drawn out history with me and my parents. I’ve been enmeshed and come back and forth from having my own place to their home. Whenever stuff went wrong in life I would panic and need the comforting cocoon but it was never comfortable to be honest. I am more stressed being at home and not growing or evolving. They know this because I talk about my healing constantly. Of course they don’t love it. Especially my mom. She holds me back, she insults me, she says I’m overweight and then tries to feed me and keep me obese. I am working on my health now and doing really well and she herself won’t participate with me but criticizes me constantly. It’s just a constant hurricane. And I realize all the work that I have to do but I think most paramount for me now is detaching from the guilt and feelings of low self worth they induce in me. These are feelings that get enhanced when around them. So once I move next week, I am anticipating a lot of change and a chance to get back to my growth.
I want to learn more tips here. On how to detach more and also be a good daughter and not regret anything in the future. If that makes sense? I want to be helpful but not enmeshed.

[Harri]

It makes perfect sense and is entirely doable.   

Not to make this all about me but (!) I was horribly enmeshed until my mid to late 30's and actually did not leave the family home until then.  I had escaped a couple of times, both to go to school, but returned to a really bad situation and tolerated some pretty bad abuse.   I kept returning to the 'comforting cocoon' as you call it and as abusive as it was, it was safe and felt good because it was comfortable.  Comfortable in a couple of ways:  first, like I said it was known.  Second, and perhaps most important in terms of not detaching for recovery, I was able to keep myself in the same role thereby avoiding having to do the hard, painful, self-confronting (is that a word?) work that was necessary.  BTW, the second reason was the toughest and hardest to work through and at times it sucked but it was worth it.  Every last bit of it.   

So I hope you stick around and keep plugging away. 

We've got ya.

[Ang.528]

I’m so used to hitting “like” on posts I really wanted to like your last post. I’m so happy to hear you got out and are doing the work and it inspires me. You’re right. Staying here and being comfortable is avoiding the hard work. Avoiding the unknown and the amazing life that is out there. And I keep seeing the reality, it actually just smacks me in the face most times. The disparaging, the berating, the criticism, the jealousy. I feel like I am so tuned into every action my Mom takes and every word she says, and I don’t want to be that way. I want to have a healthy boundary and maybe one day a healthy relationship. Do you think that’s ever possible? Or is the only way to grow completely cutting contact?

[Methuen]

I feel like I am so tuned into every action my Mom takes and every word she says, and I don’t want to be that way.

This!

I want to have a healthy boundary and maybe one day a healthy relationship. Do you think that’s ever possible? Or is the only way to grow completely cutting contact?

Healthy boundaries is definitely possible.  It takes some work and learning and practice on our part to get the hang of it, but the more we try and reflect and learn and practice, the more natural it starts to feel.  There were ups and downs for me.  It’s  not a linear learning curve, but once we get the hang of it, we get more confident, our life becomes our own, and in my case, I started to feel a lot better.  
   When you wonder about a having a healthy relationship, do you mean with your mom, or with a partner?  Also, what does a healthy relationship look like to you?  I have maintained a relationship with my mom, but it is different than the relationship I always dreamed of.  My mom is 84 and very frail and waif like.  Currently, our relationship is in equilibrium.  I have a cousin (our mother’s are sisters) who has been NC for many years. Our situations were different, and I totally respect her for her decision.  It was what she needed to do to look after herself.
My H and I are happy in our relationship.  We work through problems, so I wish to promote the idea that all kinds of relationships are possible, although sometimes they may look different than we expect.

[Ang.528]

So I think I meant both. A healthy romantic relationship and a healthy relationship with my Mom. I’ve been in two romantic relationships in my life - one was 7 years long, and the other was casual for 7 years, serious for one, and traumatically ended last year. I have never felt healthy love. In both relationships, I realize I was chasing the love I never got from my parents. I was okay with neglect and infidelity and verbal abuse and being treated like garbage. I’m now trying to do the work to break free of that so I can welcome healthy love into my life.
I do feel like my Mom and I can perhaps reach some kind of healthy contact as long as I lessen contact all together. Even today, I felt triggered and I had to step away. Her entire angle now that I’m leaving next week is how I can’t come back, even to visit. She thinks, since I’m going back to my condo, I’m exposing myself more and putting them at risk. Meanwhile, I’ve been visiting my condo once a week to check on things. No issues then. But now that I’m going back for good, she’s telling the entire world about it and trying to show me how I have to “self isolate” and not come back.
A part of me feels sad because I did want to leave on good terms, where I can come say hi, wearing a mask. And then another part of me is like, maybe I’ll just obey her wishes and not visit. Even if they ask me to. I definitely feel conflict over this and how the next few days is going to pan out. She will take every approach to inflict guilt, shame, anger on me.

[Hades3k]

Your situation sounds very similar to my mom. People with BPD love drama and conflict but also always want to play either the hero or the victim. Your mom will gladly save you and let you stay in your home but how dare you ever think of leaving her after all the things she's done for you.
My mom pulled a similar thing on me recently with the pandemic. She has Lupus and is immunocompromised, fearing getting COVID from anyone, until she needed me to help her move some furniture, suddenly the pandemic was an excuse not to help her.
My sister lived with my mom for a few years after University and my mom treated her like a roommate and a daughter. She had to pay rent and buy and make her own food, but had to help with the laundry and clean the apartments and my mom would get mad if she wasn't there for dinner at 6pm or home at a reasonable time.
I find it exhausting dealing with a BPD mom, but the trick is to acknowledge her complaints without being triggered by her language. She push your buttons and pull on your heartstrings or whatever your weakness may be and you have to find a way to become numb to those attempts to anger you while also being understanding of her irrational fear that she will never see you again.