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Author Topic: How long are you split black?  (Read 7060 times)
confused1730
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« on: January 29, 2015, 04:36:05 PM »

Speaking with my therapist earlier this week about my exBPD girlfriend. She split me big time black mid to late October last year having I think devalued me since September - but frankly the devaluing was pretty much the last year of an 18 month relationship. The last few months of the relationship were full of projection and her being vitriolic towards me.

My therapist said that I obviously should continue working on myself etc but be prepared maybe for contact from her in the future. I find that hard to believe given how strongly she painted me black and her history of short term impulsive and unstable relationships (28 years old 5 blokes in as many years and two kids two different dads). The question I have is despite some text contact from her when she saw me in a car two days before Christmas ("Please refrain from driving dangerously to get my attention" ... .I did not respond. My question is in the mind of a BPD is three and a bit months a long time or too soon in terms of a potential re-engagement from her?
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antonio1213
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« Reply #1 on: January 29, 2015, 05:12:48 PM »

Speaking with my therapist earlier this week about my exBPD girlfriend. She split me big time black mid to late October last year having I think devalued me since September - but frankly the devaluing was pretty much the last year of an 18 month relationship. The last few months of the relationship were full of projection and her being vitriolic towards me.

My therapist said that I obviously should continue working on myself etc but be prepared maybe for contact from her in the future. I find that hard to believe given how strongly she painted me black and her history of short term impulsive and unstable relationships (28 years old 5 blokes in as many years and two kids two different dads). The question I have is despite some text contact from her when she saw me in a car two days before Christmas ("Please refrain from driving dangerously to get my attention" ... .I did not respond. My question is in the mind of a BPD is three and a bit months a long time or too soon in terms of a potential re-engagement from her?

Time is not viewed the same to pwBPD. I don't fully understand it because my brain doesn't work that way. But they (from my experience) are constantly filling their lives with supply, impulsive actions, and other things. From stories I have heard from people on here a year could go by and they will contact you acting like nothing at all has happened, or contact you acting mature just to draw you in.

So in the months that follow a break up and a NC goes on no matter how many months go by they will reel you back in when they need you. And by need you I mean they need validation, attention, affection, someone to talk to, money, sex, someone to vent to, someone to be their emotional punching bag etc. etc.

The amount of months or years doesn't matter. they won't mature or learn from their mistakes. It'll always be the same thing every time.

So 3.5 months of your life could be spent obsessing over her and slowly getting over her. Where as 3.5 months of her life could be spent with your replacement doing things with them and when they need something out of you (subconsciously or consciously) they contact you to get it. They may even do this and not realize they are doing it, or simply not care.

The reengagement from you and how it plays out just depends on where she is in her life, how her supply is doing and how she is feeling in that moment. 
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JRT
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« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2015, 05:26:30 PM »

Its been 4 months for me and I have not heard a word from her (thought I DID catch he stalking me on FB)... .I have read accounts her were it could be a couple days, a couple or a few months or many years, but they eventually circle back as they never fully detach if at all. I have only read a couple of instances here they were never heard from again.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2015, 05:31:59 PM »

She's probably got very good reasons for leaving which make total sense to her, but the reality is the emotions were probably too intense for her, you were no longer the soother in fact you were the trigger, so she bailed, the only option left.  And then you have to be the scumbag otherwise she'd have to take responsibility, which borderlines won't do pretty much as a rule, since it would result in debilitating shame.

Anyway, that emotional storm will pass, to be replaced by another, and one benefit of living in the moment feeling by feeling is that the past doesn't affect you, so she may be in a bad place emotionally and think of you as a potential soother, and reach out for that soothing.  I've known my ex for 28 years, we were only in relationships for maybe 2 years of that, and sometimes I'd hear from her in 2 days, sometimes it took 10 years, but I was always on the potential contact list.  I haven't heard from her in almost 2 years, but never say never... .

Since you can't control it, and you may never hear from her again, the best thing you can do is prepare yourself.  My ex contacted me about 9 months after I left her, I'd detached some and learned about the disorder by then, and her attempts at manipulation, mirroring, playing victim, were all transparent by then, which they wouldn't have been if I was still immersed in it, so the whole thing actually helped my detachment and allowed me to see progress in myself, which were very good things.  That's the way to frame it: make any contact attempts an opportunity for you to measure your growth and your detachment, and after one or two you'll probably be surprised how the work you're doing is paying off, and that's a good thing.  Take care of you!
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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: January 29, 2015, 05:57:28 PM »

Hi confused1730,

In the context of splitting a pwBPD view people in two camps and have difficulties with seeing the grey area in people and in life. You are either all good "white" or you are all "bad" Having said when she thinks you've made a mistake you are all bad and if she thinks you never mistakes then you all good. BPD is arrested emotional development of around the age of 2 or 4 and splitting is black and white thinking.

I can relate to what fromheeltoheal is saying, I became a trigger in my marriage and I was split all bad and she left with another man. He's split all good and she may need someone for support and she may split me all good when she sees mistakes in her boyfriend.

A pwBPD often subconsciously cast themselves as role of victim, savior and persecutor. I've been split bad for slightly over 2 years and I have noticed that she casts me in either savior or persecutor and I'm flip flopping between good and bad.

PERSPECTIVES: Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle

BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting
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myself
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« Reply #5 on: January 29, 2015, 06:07:42 PM »

There are also times when we're probably split 'white' again but will never know because to admit this means, to the pwBPD, that someone has to be 'black' (and since that's the pwBPD in this case... .) so we're 'black' again.
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oortcloud

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« Reply #6 on: January 29, 2015, 06:36:35 PM »

My situation is very similar to JRT's. I haven't heard from my ex in 4 months after being discarded, deleted, blocked, and raged at like I was the devil incarnate. As for how long we're painted black... .I think it's unknown. And like others have said, depends on their level of supply, how they're feeling at the time, whether their new relationship is going well, etc. I do think I'll hear from my ex again but it'll be when I least expect it... .and I'm almost certain she'll pretend like nothing ever happened.
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Suzn
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« Reply #7 on: January 29, 2015, 08:08:14 PM »

Which time? There were many.

It's been over 4 years since the b/u. Interesting thing... for the longest time after the breakup I thought she had nothing but bad things to say about me. I found out, several times, this wasn't true. It didn't stop me from assuming things back before I found out though which caused a lot of self inflicted pain. Several replacements have approached me over the years and told me either she wouldn't stop talking about me being the best ever or the worst. It was one or the other. Point being obviously it wasn't always the worst.
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Tim300
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« Reply #8 on: January 29, 2015, 08:22:24 PM »

the emotions were probably too intense for her, you were no longer the soother in fact you were the trigger, so she bailed, the only option left.  

This really hits the nail on the head for my situation.  It's like the pwBPD likes you too much and it makes her crazy anxious, etc.  Mine even said that I caused her too much anxiety.  It's like she would haven been unable to function unless she painted me black.  The fear of me abandoning her was driving her nuts.  And at the time, I wasn't fully read up on BPD, so I actually threatened to leave a few times when she was getting demanding.  Her fear of abandonment was mostly totally nonsensical though -- I had literally just uprooted my life to move in with her.   
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JRT
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« Reply #9 on: January 29, 2015, 08:24:31 PM »

Which time? There were many.

It's been over 4 years since the b/u. Interesting thing... for the longest time after the breakup I thought she had nothing but bad things to say about me. I found out, several times, this wasn't true. It didn't stop me from assuming things back before I found out though which caused a lot of self inflicted pain. Several replacements have approached me over the years and told me either she wouldn't stop talking about me being the best ever or the worst. It was one or the other. Point being obviously it wasn't always the worst.

That's interesting... .as I understand, the ones that they split and paint black the worst and cut off the hardest, are the ones that meant the most to them than any other.

My ex had only 3 other BF's in her life. The interesting thing there in the few times that she brought them up was that she would describe her victimhood in one sentence and then compliment them in the other (or at least point to some noteworthy achievement of theirs) almost in the same sentence. Doesn't really fit the 'paint them all black' mold, or can it?
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Suzn
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« Reply #10 on: January 29, 2015, 08:32:15 PM »

people with BPD are not all the same. I always chalked her comments up to manipulation. To either manipulate me when I was still involved in the situation or someone else when I was no longer involved.

I ended the relationship in the end so she had no choice of whether or not to cut me off.
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« Reply #11 on: January 29, 2015, 08:50:06 PM »

One thing i realized is my ex was so in the moment.  When she had somone new black she could reacess shut off compartments of her identity which were memories of old attachments and she would reminess and they would be painted white.  But it was more about her accessing her "identity" which had always been who she was in the eyes of her attachments.
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Mutt
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« Reply #12 on: January 30, 2015, 12:36:30 AM »

The longest I was split black in the r/s was several months after false DV charges - it wasn't fun. Split black, dissociative phase, triangulation, and the catastrophic damage caused in 2 years after the b/u, high custody battle, personal bankruptcy from and white thinking.

Both length of time and circumstances different.

Neither I'd like to revisit.

I learned my lesson. She's Queen / Witch and I'm mindful now of triggering Witch. I changed the way I communicate, depersonalize, have boundaries and if she's baiting and dysregulated I ignore.

Neither can control splitting, I can control my responses and the communication tools seem to help not make things worse and trigger her less. It's not to say I'm not the bad guy, it is to say it's more so grey and less punishing.
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« Reply #13 on: August 22, 2020, 06:12:42 PM »

For what it's worth, this is my experience:  It was the best of times (times ten); it was the worst of times (times twenty), a common experience I'm sure.  After four years of seriously dating a BPD woman, I was able to end it in November 2018.  By that time, I had connected a lot of dots and figured out who I was actually dealing with (not a pretty picture).  I went full no contact in June 2019.  Thereafter, despite expressly stating, "please don't contact me again," I continued to receive from her through March 2020 numerous text messages and email messages, all of which were framed as though nothing ever happened and as though we could just pick up where we left off. I thought to myself, "you are a grown woman, not a four-year-old; what planet do you live on?"  I didn't respond to any of them.  The "final" email message I received in March 2020 (at my work email address) contained a bizzare and belittling selfie video she made.  Will I hear from her again?  It's hard to say, but I hope not.     
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