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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: how to get him out  (Read 263 times)
Debra_
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: live together
Posts: 2


« on: August 03, 2020, 02:09:19 PM »

Hi so I have been in a relationship with a man with personality disorder for about 8 years and he has been living at my home most of that time although he has his own apartment. I have told him he needs to go to his apartment. I am at the stage where I still want to help him with basic things like making appointments etc because he claims he has health problems and cannot drive himself.  So to get him to leave more willingly what is the best course of action? From everything I'm reading remaining friendly is not possible but I still question this. I do not hold any malice for him.
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FindingMe2011
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1227



« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2020, 08:49:14 PM »

Hi so I have been in a relationship with a man with personality disorder for about 8 years and he has been living at my home most of that time although he has his own apartment.

8 years and no taking this to the next level, can i ask why? So has he been diagnosed? Do you have a T?

I have told him he needs to go to his apartment

How does this play out? Is it often? ...Telling him this and then doing this

I am at the stage where I still want to help him with basic things like making appointments etc because he claims he has health problems and cannot drive himself.

Do you see how this might be perceived as an empty ultimatum? You are what your actions say, not what your words say. Just as others are.

So to get him to leave more willingly what is the best course of action?

Stop doing. At some point you will need to make an executive decision, and stick to your boundaries. For YOURSELF and others. Trying to go both ways isnt going to work, I presume. If your looking to detach, then do so. If you need to find better communication skills, then do so.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

From everything I'm reading remaining friendly is not possible but I still question this. I do not hold any malice for him.

Many on here are angry, others lonely. Why do you think you need to hold malice, in order to break the r/s?   Sometimes people grow apart, PD or not...I wish you well Peace
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Lucky Jim
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6172


« Reply #2 on: August 04, 2020, 11:17:52 AM »

Hey Debra, Eight years is a long time.  What makes you think your friend has BPD?  I suggest you have "the conversation," and then do what you need to do, which may require an eviction notice.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Debra_
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: live together
Posts: 2


« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2020, 06:01:55 PM »

Thanks to both for your responses. In the days since my original post, I have stuck to my advice to him that I don't want to live with him anymore. I will update so others may read and possibly be helped also.
To answer your questions: He has been diagnosed with BPD but is not in treatment. He occasionally takes meds for Bipolar. Neither of us have ever wanted to marry, etc. There have been full and empty ultimatums previously, but he knows the current feeling from me is not empty. I don't think malice is a part of breaking the cycle, growing apart, etc.; I was just giving more information about myself as I feel often people think malice is a given. It isn't here. I love him and want the best for him (and obviously I think I am the best). I just need the rages, aggression, yelling, irritability to not be something in my home every day.

He is taking a long time to go. At first he was taking his things to his apartment and trying to threaten me with 'it's over!' or 'this item is mine!' to which I agreed. He had a few nights of rage and some days of garden-variety complaining. One of his threats was that he would not complete work on a room we had begun rehabbing. So I went to work on it myself. So then he went to work on it. I see this as a ruse to stay longer (while presenting with increasing physical complaints) mixed with an attempt to guilt me (I did that room for you!) and other 'mind games'. I keep the conversation alive regarding him going to his apartment so he knows this is still the plan and expectation. But I think the reprieve is helping my heart. This has been a big learning for me, and I continue to read more on caretaking and caregiving. Thanks for reading!
« Last Edit: August 22, 2020, 06:17:20 PM by Debra_ » Logged
GaGrl
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Posts: 5001



« Reply #4 on: August 22, 2020, 06:51:16 PM »

You u l but need to set a deadline ( "I expect you to have all your belongings moved to your apartment by [date]." ) if he had not done so, you can get moving boxes, pack his items, and stack them by the door. Sometimes, people have rented a storage locker for a reasonable period of time, and given the ex the combo/key.

The objective is to get his items out of your apartment.
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