I'm NC with BPD dad, sister, brother. But what about BPD neighbour?

[HappyDissident]

I'm the dissident of my family, having put down boundaries and gone NC with uNPD dad for 7 years, uBPD sister for 1 year, and LC with ASPD brother for 3 years. I finished my trauma therapy this summer, after 3 years realising what has been going on, and the abuse that has been done to me. I'm very happy and proud of the work I've put in to it. 

Even my other sister (aspie) and my mom (empath) now understand that I won't forgive the abuse and join in on major family events and celebrations. I have truly felt like a dissident this past year, but the family has evolved and knows where I stand now.

I moved to a new apartment in June. It's a very nice place, close to my mom, in a nice neighbourhood. The problem is that the woman next door is uBPD, and reminds me of my NC uBPD sister.

I have complained to her about her loudness, and about her and her kids invasive behaviour. She hasn't replied to my last text, but slams her door, stomps down the stairs in the hallway, and puts on shows on her balcony when she's in need of attention. She sings un-engaged at her balcony to trick bypassers in to a conversation, a bit like a kid longing for attention. And her 5 yo screams outside my door for the same reason, at 8am all weekdays. When I asked for more peace, the mother projected the responsibility on to me, saying that it is my responsibility as an adult to meet their need for contact at all times. 

They have a constant need for attention from me, they are clingy, they aren't able to recognise other peoples emotions or mood, and certainly doesn't bother about it. The woman doesn't take responsibility of her kids lack of boundaries, and has said that she's disappointed in me as a former teacher that I'm not there for her kids. It's very unpleasant to see how the mothers behaviour is copied by her kids. Her husband is a nice, quiet introvert, and much more my type of friend. But he's also an enabler. I'm trying really hard not to get enmeshed into their household. I know I'm like a zebra to a lion; an easily recognisable target.

There aren't any other available apartments in that price range here, and I've signed a contract for a three year lease. So I know that I need to stay in the situation. My T has told me that when I put down borders to a pwBPD I must expect an explosive and unpleasant reaction to that. I try to keep the theory and technical language in mind, and to not get into the emotions of it all. It always gets to me when pwBPDs doesn't approve of other peoples needs or feelings.

  What do you think my next move should be? Completely ignoring them every time they're in need of attention? I'm not good at being rude and offensive, but I can try to laugh at her needyness. Try to make her feel small and invisible? It has been done to me so many times by my uBPD sister that I know the part really well.

[zachira]

Congratulations on all the amazing work you have done on establishing healthy boundaries with family members. It is understandable that you are wondering how to set boundaries with your neighbor who appears to have BPD and reminds you of your sister with uBPD. It sounds like maybe you feel sorry for the children and have mixed feelings about them. On one hand, you have had your fill of interacting with dysfunctional family members and abhor your neighbor suggesting you should be available for her children no matter what. What do you think would be appropriate boundaries with the parents and how would those boundaries differ with their children? I think you can give the parents minimal attention. It is okay to be nice to the children while letting them know that they cannot just show up at your house at any time, and you will give them sometimes a few minutes of your time. My mother had BPD. There were many people who clearly did not like my mother, had minimal contact with her, yet when she was not around gave me a few minutes of their time which meant the world to me. Just the looks on the faces of these people which showed how they felt about my mother mistreating her children has been very helpful to me throughout my life. Though you may have very little contact with these children, just setting healthy boundaries with the parents and being kind to the children when you interact with them, even if it is being kind about telling a child not to come visit you at 8 am in the morning, can make a big difference in these children's lives while giving you some needed privacy and peace.

[HappyDissident]

Fair point, Zachira. I can work on being approchable to the neighbours kids, so long as the adults aren't looking.

I'd prefer it if the uBPD neighbour would devaluate me, rather that idealise me. I'm torn between suspecting the neighbour beeing BPD or asperger. There's no empathy there, but at the same time she seems to have a greater need of attention when I'm having a rough day and is visibly sad or in pain. I came home from spending a night in hospital on tuesday, and walked to my door dizzy and unwell from the morphine. Anyone should have been able to tell that I was having a rough day. Not my neighbour, who stood there demanding attention, in need for pampering and comfort talk. She was on her way on her bike with her kids, not just home from the hospital, or in pain. It's as though she's adopting my emotions to crave all the attention on herself.

Maybe this isn't BPD, but something else? I'm not interested in having someone like that close to me. I'm an empath, by the way. And have always protected myself by detecting other peoples pattern and behaviour. I try not to be available to my neighbour, I should probably think she's useful to practise upholding my boundaries to. I can't work from home anymore, though. So much noise and drama is seeping through the walls.

[zachira]

You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed by people that intrude on your life by reminding you of how you have been mistreated by family members. It has taken me a long time to get over certain people who were like my family members and become indifferent to their intrusive boundary violations. Give yourself time and patience and carefully notice how you feel inside when interacting with your intrusive neighbors. Keep setting the boundaries, and at some point when how they treat you pretty much doesn't affect you that much, they will go elsewhere to see who they can take advantage of. I hear your distress. I have some long posts on other boards about two different men who were terrible people yet I couldn't get over how upset I was that they seemed to be targeting me to use me for their selfish needs with no consideration for my feelings. It took me a couple of years to get over both of them. I still see them regularly because they go to the park I walk in daily, and now am indifferent to them. I think you have a lot of painful feelings to heal. Be patient, keep sharing your feelings with us, and you will get there. By setting healthy boundaries with this neighbor, who wants you to make her the center of her world and to take care of her kids, you will become adept at setting boundaries with people like her from the very beginning, and will eventually not attract these type of people into your life. It is dealing with the hurt and terrible pain of being mistreated by your family that will get you where you want to be. What are some rules you would like to implement right now in dealing with your neighbors?