My Partner and I's relationship is complicated and I can't cope sometimes.

[disasterfish]

(This is my first post, bear with me)

Like I said in the title, my Partner (I use caps here because it's... very, very complicated) and I have an extremely complex relationship. We're definitely romantic, and definitely committed, but other than that he dances around labels like it's a professional sport. It feels like he's trying to avoid any sort of promise or specificity, and is happy to casually use terms like "fiance" or "boyfriend," but doesn't want to use them in public. I can usually cope, he's flighty and doesn't do commitment very well, which is something I knew going in, but sometimes it just drives me up the wall. It doesn't help that with quarantine, our differing needs for interacting with each other have become completely at odds. I don't have a lot of friends outside the house, and I especially don't have a lot of contact with them because I barely leave the house anymore, and never without him. This also means I've felt especially confused about our status because, like I said, he's more comfortable using traditional relationship terms in private than in public.

Basically, I've gone completely out of contact with most of my support network, and it's making me feel a little crazy about what's going on with my relationship with my BPD partner. I figured I might get a whole lot of use out of an online forum of people like me, since this will at least let me build up a social group of people who aren't immediately either my Partner or one other person.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pursuingJoy]

disasterfish, hi  I'm glad you found us. You'll find this to be a really supportive group.

This also means I've felt especially confused about our status because, like I said, he's more comfortable using traditional relationship terms in private than in public.

This would make me sad too. Even if I did kind of know he was noncommittal going into it, I'd hope that over time he would embrace commitment.

Basically, I've gone completely out of contact with most of my support network, and it's making me feel a little crazy about what's going on with my relationship with my BPD partner.

Support literally made all the difference for me. I was in the same boat last year, with very little. Over the past year, I've slowly built up my network again, online support, therapy, and friendships. You're at a great starting point.

We're here, disasterfish, and we want to help.

[juju2]

am going to echo p.j., and also share that my journey pwBPD is a roller coaster.

Am not sure what makes anything better, and if I am keeping up with my self care, forcing myself, if you will---i am much more centered.

For me I have to lead.  I cannot be at the effect of his behaviour.  I found that is recipe for disaster.

I check in with myself, share only w trusted confidants, who do not provide advice---they do not know him, and are unable to provide anything other than opinion, which I am not interested in.

Welcome.

Sincerely,
juju

[Match 1966]

I dont have any advice, but you are not alone. The isolation and covid have caused huge personality changes in my BPD partner. We were in a committed relationship when it started, but live in separate households. Our relationship is private so in public we are just best friends. Now we stay isolated in our own houses, but talk everyday and spend one evening a week together and then see each other at work. I made the mistake of stating my BPD partner was being irrational about the covid fears because my partner insisted we isolate from each other to keep from making each other sick(we are both health care workers). My BPD partner was highly insulted by this and changed our relationship status to best friends instead of partners. I dont even know what that means any more. I have no one to talk to about this since our relationship was private from the public in the first place. I like to get on this site and read about similar issues and it helps me not to feel quite so alone in this crazy mood disorder. I have also tried to educate myself on BPD and tools I can use to respond to my partner to help resolve high stress. Lots of reading and research will help you to best cope with the situation. I would tell you to take care of yourself first, but I'm not doing a very good job of that myself as I have lost 20lbs since this is started. Use the site resources and read some of the recommended books. Sometimes just understanding the crazy actions might bring you some peace. Best of luck.