She wants me to feel remorse... Does that mean she wants me to suffer?

[acornplane]

She's mad at me for wronging her. Granted, technically, I did wrong her. But I didn't mean to. It wasn't intentional. Explaining that it was a mistake (no, it's not cheating or anything related) and where I was coming from only serves to make her even more upset. Logic and reasoning is just not something that would yield any success.

I realize an apology should not come with a justification. So I stopped justifying it, pretty early on actually, and just stuck to apology. And I am really sorry too. But she doesn't see it. She said, in several occasions, "no, you are not remorseful".

There is intense hatred right now, and it's not letting. It's constant. And it's been going on for a very long time.

I want to know what remorse looks like to here. I think I have an idea. I think she wants me to hurt as much as she's hurting. But that's impossible.

It's difficult to show remorse without showing affection. But showing any form of affection sends her through the roof in anger. The basic form of apologizing; saying sorry, is met with "no you're not!".

OK... actions speak louder than words...but then, even showing my apology by doing things for her actually enrages her. And I sacrificed alot in doing things for her to show her.

She's not on medication right now. She won't be until this is resolved. I realize it's a catch 22. But that's the issue at hand, and that's whats I have to deal with right now.

So...whats the resolution? How can Iead her into allowing herself to let go? Maybe not forgive me right away, but at least open the door that would lead to it...because right now, forgiveness is behind a vault.
They say time heals all wounds but this wound is immune to time.

Much appreciate any pointer!

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[Abazaba]

Take my advice with a grain of salt as I am going through a really bad potential break up right now - but I think in order for partners not to go crazy, sometimes we have to accept that nothing we do is the right thing to do. If you do x, your BPD will ask why you didn’t do y. If you do y, you’ll be told it isn’t enough and you should also do z. If you do z, there’s still another problem.

There is unfortunately little you can do. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been accused of not saying sorry, so I’d say sorry...only to be immediately told I didn’t mean it. Justifying makes them angry. Not justifying makes them angry. Not apologizing makes them angry. Apologizing makes them angry. It feels very hopeless and like you can’t really win. The best you can do is wait. However, don’t lose sight of the mental and emotional abuse - because that is at the end of the day what we are enduring.

[once removed]

what happened?

what did you do? what is she accusing you of?

[HappyKJ]

This is precisely what I am going through. When I say I'm sorry, he says, "Sorry never fixed anything!" and then brings up my past wrongs (even if they happened a year or more ago). Funny, he conveniently forgets all the things he's done (even sometimes what he did the night before) but has a sharp memory for my "misdeeds." Then he yells about how much he is suffering, how daily life is unbearable, etc. My only explanation is that he is in unbearable pain and even though he does not "want" to do this, the only way he knows how to alleviate some of the pain is to inflict it on another object. Get me to suffer with him. I wish I had the answer. I do know that he is in a very dark place and wish desperately he would seek help.