Going through a horrible break up, why is she acting like this?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi I haven’t really spoken about this to anyone but I would love some perspective to what is going on, I met my ex girlfriend 2 years ago and I saw a lot of red flags but totally ignored them, she kind of pushed me into a relationship with her which looking back now was beyond toxic, she lied she betrayed me she made me feel horrible, not to be a victim because I had made many many mistakes, I didn’t realise it was BPD and she till this day isn’t diagnosed but I am certain she has BPD, even my therapist had suggested it, fast forward to the break up she attacked me and my car because I followed a girl on Instagram and left me, prior to that incident I could feel her slowly push away from me, since that day she had become someone I don’t know, the names she calls me, the amount of times she has said I am the worst person she’s ever met, that I ruined her life. And me being the fool I was was totally agreeing with her and kept apologising, I just didn’t want to lose her and till this day I really do miss her, I know how broken she is and it kills me how everything ended up, I don’t think I want her back but I still do love her and it’s killing me inside.

Thank you.

[Ynwa77]

Hi I haven’t really spoken about this to anyone but I would love some perspective to what is going on, I met my ex girlfriend 2 years ago and I saw a lot of red flags but totally ignored them, she kind of pushed me into a relationship with her which looking back now was beyond toxic, she lied she betrayed me she made me feel horrible, not to be a victim because I had made many many mistakes, I didn’t realise it was BPD and she till this day isn’t diagnosed but I am certain she has BPD, even my therapist had suggested it, fast forward to the break up she attacked me and my car because I followed a girl on Instagram and left me, prior to that incident I could feel her slowly push away from me, since that day she had become someone I don’t know, the names she calls me, the amount of times she has said I am the worst person she’s ever met, that I ruined her life. And me being the fool I was was totally agreeing with her and kept apologising, I just didn’t want to lose her and till this day I really do miss her, I know how broken she is and it kills me how everything ended up, I don’t think I want her back but I still do love her and it’s killing me inside.

Thank you.

[DiscoDave]

Hi Ynwa77.

Liverpool FC fan?

So much of what you said resonated with me, my experience is eerily similar to yours, but then after a while here and reading of other peoples accounts you will see very stark patterns emerge. I guess you are perhaps somewhat annoyed / disappointed in yourself for not acting on the red flags you saw earlier in the relationship, I share that feeling too, I let things slide to what would become a soulless shell of a relationship by the time of the final discard after 7 years had passed. Go easy on yourself for it.

When you say 'she kind of pushed you into a relationship'...how do you mean? Was
there a sense she wanted to escalate things quite rapidly? It was clear in the beginning of my relationship she was intent on moving things forward quickly and capturing my undivided attention at the earliest opportunity. She'd not long come out of a 2.5 year relationship when I met her.  After our relationship ended in March this year she was already hooked up with a new guy in June. I tend to think these people simply cannot bear to be alone which is why when a potential new partner arrives on the scene there is this pressure to move things quickly. It can also be quite intoxicating for the victim who from their momentary elevated position on the 'pedestal' cannot see the red flags in clear focus.

Welcome.

[Ynwa77]

Massive Liverpool fan, winning the league was a positive coming out of all this haha

Thank you for replying.

What I mean by forcing me into a relationship is I told her I wasn’t ready for a relationship at all and she kept crying and just made me feel bad that I didn’t want a relationship with her, I eventually gave in which was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made, she also started to speak to me as soon as she got out of a relationship, I would always talk to her here and there during her relationship with her ex, I guess I was next in line.

It does hurt knowing what she is doing, knowing she’s going to sleep with many different guys while I’m here avoiding girls at all costs trying to heal from the relationship, it sucks but what can you do.

[Beth2468]

Hi Ynwa77 - congratulations on the football success, I'm glad it has brought you some joy in this difficult time.

This is only my second post but with every post I read there are so many similarities, all these light bulb moments.

I was most definitely being lined up when he was still with his ex. He would message me, we'd arrange to meet, he would cancel just before. What was happening was they would argue but would have made up before our date.

I have no doubt that my ex will move on quickly (if he hasn't already). This is because he needs the attention from someone else to feel good.  The thought really hurts but I keep telling myself that my long term chances of happiness are greater than his. His next relationship is unlikely to last as he doesn't accept that he has a problem. 
My genuine feelings for him mean that I do not want anyone else right now, I can't even contemplate the prospect. However, in the meanwhile, I am all I need. I am taking time to heal and when I don't want to be alone I will reach out to my friends and family.

It is incredibly difficult but try not to be consumed about thoughts of her. Do you have/can you develop some distraction techniques?

We will get through this!

[Ynwa77]

Hi Beth,

Hi Beth,

Welcome, it sucks that we need to be on this forum but all we can do is support each other since not a lot of people understand exactly what we’ve been through.

The distractions I have was everything she tried so hard to be involved in, I play football I played professional till I got injured and now I’m slowly getting back into it, I honestly don’t know what I’d without it, a very dark place I would imagine.

I wonder what you use as distractions?

Thank you for replying.

[FindingMe2011]

It does hurt knowing what she is doing, knowing she’s going to sleep with many different guys while I’m here avoiding girls at all costs trying to heal from the relationship, it sucks but what can you do.

She doesnt understand what she is doing. She is at the mercy of the illness. Sex is just a tool for the attachment. I do for you, you do for me. Except you have no idea what she is actually doing, and neither does she. You avoiding another r/s for now, is the responsible thing to do, ask anyone here, with clout. Bringing others into this will cause more cobwebs, or not allow you to see some cobwebs. Either is not good. This trying to heal needs to be " Im not exactly sure how Im going to do this, but I WILL heal. Big difference. You also ended what can i do with a period, and not a question mark. As if there is no other options. There is much you can do, this thread is one of many. I wish you well, Peace

[Ynwa77]

Yeah you are right, she had no idea she is suffering from BPD and I don’t know if I should be the one to tell her, I’m avoiding her at all costs at the moment.

[Beth2468]

Thanks for the welcome
Physical exercise is a great one.
I am not dwelling too much on what he is doing, at the moment.
General thoughts and memories are constant though and I know I need to process everything to heal.
I've rediscovered reading books, when he was here I wasn't able to do things like that on my own without him making me feel guilty (had a bit of a revelation there whilst I was typing that).
I've been trying mindfulness techniques, walking in the park.  
If you google 101 distraction techniques there is a list - I'm not sure on the rules of posting links.

[FindingMe2011]

Yeah you are right, she had no idea she is suffering from BPD and I don’t know if I should be the one to tell her, I’m avoiding her at all costs at the moment.

She does understands something isnt right. She just believes she made the wrong attachment, AGAIN. Her family knows, her past partners, friends and more. The rescuer in you wants to save her, or at least save her from herself. This will be fruitless, and further her belief of YOU as the persecutor. It would take a monumental effort on her part, started by her, for her, and with nobody but a qualified T. This is the illness, you are no match, respect this. Your sanity is at risk. I wish you well, Peace

[brighter future]

It would take a monumental effort on her part, started by her, for her, and with nobody but a qualified T. This is the illness, you are no match, respect this. Your sanity is at risk. I wish you well, Peace

My former therapist (now retired), who is a PHD, counseled me through the divorce with my BPD ex-wife once told me that that the only match for a BPD is someone at the PHD level. Anyone less is going well beyond the scope of their practice according to her.

[Ynwa77]

F*** me how did I put myself in this position, it annoys me because it’s like so obvious does she not realise that she had a history of destroying lives, I remember when I spoke to her ex the first thing he said to me was run away. I didn’t listen

[DiscoDave]

I was most definitely being lined up when he was still with his ex. He would message me, we'd arrange to meet, he would cancel just before. What was happening was they would argue but would have made up before our date.

Interesting to see BPD males do this too, seems to be a common scenario for females.

I've rediscovered reading books, when he was here I wasn't able to do things like that on my own without him making me feel guilty (had a bit of a revelation there whilst I was typing that).

I can totally relate to this! I gave up reading or anything that required quiet contemplation in solace, if I engaged in anything such thing it was met with disapproval and accusations of me not caring about her! Embrace being able to take up old hobbies again as well as the freedom to explore new ones!

She doesnt understand what she is doing. She is at the mercy of the illness. Sex is just a tool for the attachment. I do for you, you do for me

Interesting. I would agree, when I met my Ex it started out online, some weeks later when we met she initiated sex the very evening we met in person. I was quite taken aback, particularly given the approach and engagement itself was quite clinical rather than spontaneous. Post-rationalising the encounter I concluded this was necessary by her in order to 'hook' me in so that I would then feel obligated to her, particularly so following her investment in me by divulging much about herself in email exchanges prior to that.

The new guy was invited to stay a week with her recently in our old shared apartment, again, she had met him online (he lives in another city) and having not actually met him in person was willing to invite him to stay with her for a week, all this during the middle of a pandemic! This a high-risk gamble, most neuro-typical people would not start out a relationship in this manner. In my mind this was a calculated risk on her part, the following month she was due to vacate that apartment and move into a new place that she had bought, having no car, no family nearby and not many reliable friends, such exposure to dealing with a life-changing event like that alone would spiral her into a melt-down. My thoughts on this were that she is clearly desperate to get this guy over ASAP, no doubt engage in sex early and effectively secure his allegiance, he may then be useful to me!

And of course! He is now taking a week off work to come up and help her move house. It's a master-stroke, if their is a genuine love and connection there then that is a bonus. The primary objective in securing a willing partner was reached, I would imagine he is quite likely a 'white knight' / 'rescuer' type who lapped up the victim narrative in the way I previously had. It is a hypothesis of course, I agree with findingme that sex for these people is not necessarily wrapped up in the same sentiments regarding intimacy but purely a 'means to an end'...Machiavellian indeed!

I would not divulge to her any suspected diagnosis of her, this will likely backfire. As findingme suggests. She needs to come to this realisation herself, when she does it may be too late for her, in that case; a life of cats and 'fibromyalgia' beckons.

[FindingMe2011]

F*** me how did I put myself in this position, it annoys me because it’s like so obvious does she not realize that she had a history of destroying lives, I remember when I spoke to her ex the first thing he said to me was run away. I didn’t listen

Nobody put a gun to my head, I signed up for it. Not knowing is ignorance, its part of learning and maturing. Knowing and still going back for more, is stupidity. I have been stupid in the past... no more.

She does see her history and it pains her also. The continuous loop keeps playing the same damn song. The only things that changes are the instruments.
She believes this outcome will be different and to some degree, you did also. Now you know why its fruitless to warn others. Some things we need to learn on our own. Its called being human. I wish you well, Peace

[grumpydonut]

Yeah you are right, she had no idea she is suffering from BPD and I don’t know if I should be the one to tell her, I’m avoiding her at all costs at the moment.

Hi YNWA,

From my reading, absolutely not. Apparently this can trigger them to feel like a bad person (the one they already suspect they are) and can lead to all sorts of nasty behaviour towards you - false accusations, restraining orders, etc.

It's not your job to save her anymore. Let me her figure it out on her own.

[Football2000]

Agree with the others, definitely do not tell her she has BPD. The actions and consequences of BPD-like behaviour can seem so obvious but it is not obvious to someone who has BPD, and if they feel they are being attacked it will just lead to them coming up with more paranoia. Best thing to do is ease away.

I would also recommended easing off social media so she can't follow you. No point in adding fuel to the fire.

[Ynwa77]

She was left me alone about a month or so ago, no contact at all I think she found her new victim.

[FindingMe2011]

She was left me alone about a month or so ago, no contact at all I think she found her new victim.

4 weeks out of a 2 year r/s, isnt very long. Many believe 1/4 of the time in the r/s is needed to process correctly and it will vary from person to person. As you are wounded, and understandably so, you see yourself as the victim. Know that she too feels like the victim (this is the essence of the illness) but her method of healing requires another attachment. She has a split self and cant survive without this. The alternative is annihilation in her mind. You on the other hand have the ability to take this victimization, and turn it into a gift. Your choice just as she has choices. I feel your grief. I wish you well, Peace

[Goosey]

Damn wish I knew how to “copy paste”.
Fifteen post back. “The master stroke”! 
I could only imagine this scenario plays out in 100 % of pwBPD relationships.
  Got married two weeks after knocking up the most sexy wild thing I ever met.
 Two decades later I’m digging out (kinda).
Sex was great most of the time. Hookers would have been extremely less financial and emotional ruin. (Being sarcastic,) i was the stable employed dude with a credit line.
She was the ball of good looking energy who somehow needed a PLEASE READ ton of stuff “fixed” instantly.
No wonder all her “pasts” where so gracious while I transacted them out of their lives.
  There should be a warning sign posted somewhere. 
 

[FindingMe2011]

There should be a warning sign posted somewhere.

Had you been taught in a healthier manner, you would have seen from a mile away and not become invested. Now its time for you to learn so you dont need warning signs either. It is possible, and at the very least you will know what youre getting into.