Anyone willing to talk about PA

[Wilkinson]

I had a hearing yesterday after 4 and a half months of supervised visitation with my kids because of a single false DCFS allegation.  Even with counseling my relationship with the kids has continued to deteriorate.  If you read the parental alienation literature, the court is doing all the things it says won't help.  I'm so frustrated.  If the judge or GAL would just read some blog posts on PA, they'd realize there is enough to really investigate it.  The current counselors involved seem to talk they they know about it, but really don't.

I used to have a good relationship with my kids.  I was a good parent, but because of PA they all hate me now.  I'm so frustrated and defeated and it just feels like things are getting worse in court.  I'm trying to work to keep my job, but I just don't want to do anything.  I just want to sit and stare at the wall. 

I'm just losing my own personal battle for sanity and the will to even move.  If anyone is familiar with this and willing to talk, please send me a message.  It's is just so hard to talk to anyone who is not familiar with PA.

[worriedStepmom]

I don't have experience with that level of PA, but I'm concerned about your mental health.

It sounds like you may have depression.  Have you talked to your doctor about that or taken one of the screening quizzes online?  It would make perfect sense that you might have depression now - with the kids, and the court, and COVID.  I hope that you can get help for it.

[defogging]

I also don't have experience with that level of "success" with PA, but I can say my exPDw is certainly trying her best.  It's stayed out of the courts, but she has been actively trying to turn D10 against me.  There is a lot of manipulation and lying going on at Mom's house right now, and it's led to a few fights between D10 and I.  It was tough for awhile, but now I've figured out that when D10 is mad at me it's usually because of some BS she's been told, and with experience I've gotten much better at seeing it and handling it.

I also think you are experiencing depression right now, which is 100% understandable given what you're dealing with.  Are you seeing a therapist yourself?  (not connected with the kids, just to work on you)  The numbness you describe is familiar to me.  A year ago, I had days where I didn't even get off the couch.  Just laid there and watched mindless TV.  That's totally not me and I hated doing that, but I literally had zero energy (mental or physical) to do anything.  I had also lost interest in all my hobbies.  It slowly got better, and those days on the couch are just a memory now. 

I think spending more time on self care would help you a lot.  What hobbies did you enjoy in the past?  Even if you don't feel like engaging in them, I suggest forcing yourself to.  When I was deep in the throes of the divorce and wasn't interested in anything, I had a voice deep inside telling me to just go do it.  When I didn't want to go for a run, I made myself do it.  Yes, I walked a bit of those runs, but I felt better afterwards.  Whatever your hobbies are, and if you feel like you're just going through the motions while doing them, just keep going.  You'll find that you'll get to a place where all of a sudden there is a little spark of enjoyment, and then you want to do it again.  Then, that will slowly keep growing until you find that you enjoy things again.

Keep your chin up, bud.  This is a marathon, not a sprint.  Based on my experience, I can tell you that eventually your ex will do something that bites her in the arse and the legal folks involved will pay attention.  You just need to be patient and wait for it.

[Wilkinson]

I’m already dealing with depression.  I try hobbies and socializing and it’s OK for a while, but I then I come back to the glaring truth.  When my kids were dropped off I would greet them at the door and D10 would say “F*# You”  Her brothers tell me I’m a jerk, they hate me, I ask them why and they say, “You know why!”  They tell me I’m gaslighting them.  A year ago, my exwife filed false abuse allegations against me.  Because of the PA, she got three of the four to repeat her story and I was found “Indicated”.  She used that to make sure I could only see my kids under supervision.  So, it’s been a year now that I’ve been living like that.  If you count the 85 days she unilaterally decided to not let me see the kids at all after the allegations.

I’m so angry at her and everyone involved.  The counselors the court ordered us to go to keeps wanting me to make changes to improve the relationship.  I’m supposed to respect their boundaries.  I’m supposed to not bother them if that’s what they wish and wait for them to approach me.  I tried sending benign cards to them, but they got disproportionately angry at me for violating their boundaries and gaslighting them.  Since they told me to stop, I had to stop, according to the counselors.  I guess it’s easier to believe that they have rage over getting a hand drawn card than it is to believe their mother is brain washing them.

[kells76]

What your kids' mom is doing is sick and wrong, full stop. I'm sorry for you and I'm sorry for your kids. It's so clear to me that their reactions are abnormal and incited by her signals.

What kind of energy do you have to reach out to the "big guns" of ABPA (attachment-based PA) research & intervention? I know you know about Craig Childress and I think I've mentioned Dorcy Prouter (I think I spelled that close) to you. Ryan Thomas is also a big name that comes up. If you're at this level of PA I would say go for broke, figuratively, in reaching out to these people. Your situation sounds to me like you could use professionals in your corner where you don't have to be the one educating them before they can help you.

Can you get a second or third opinion from a PhD psychologist about your kids' behavior about the cards (and everything, really)? "Waiting for them to come to you" sounds like playing into Mom's hands, though to be fair I don't know exactly what the C said. I think Childress addresses that "wait for the child" mentality.

Here for you,

kells76

[Wilkinson]

I've done a ton of reading on the subject.  I've shared it with my lawyer.  I attend semi-monthly conference calls with Family Access Fighting for Children's Rights (https://www.familyaccessfightingforchildrensrights.org/) to listen to experts.  I talked with one, Dr. Robert Evans.  I tried bringing some of that with my current counselor.  I have a textbook on the subject I have been reading.

What we are in the process of doing now is trying to get a custody evaluation by someone who has expertise in parental alienation.  Her lawyer is fighting it.  I feel like everything all rests on getting this custody evaluator.  I don't consider him a hired gun.  I just know if someone who is familiar with parental alienation can look into this, they'd say that this is an extreme case.  It's not fishing to try and explain it.  Her lawyer wants us to stick with the current counselors who seem to be clueless on PA.

I hate this whole process.  I hate it more than anything.  These lawyers are making a ton of money from this and they don't care if they are damaging a family or not, they just take their check and do what they think is their job.  If tomorrow a client like my wife walks in the door for my lawyer, my lawyer will do the opposite of what she's doing for me.  Same thing with my wife's lawyer.  She's trying to debunk parental alienation, but if she gets a client tomorrow that pushes it, she'll argue how bad it is and try to hire the same custody evaluator she's trying to keep out of our case.

While they are making money, I'm dying here having to figure this out and my kids are suffering.  They are so filled with hate and if they don't get the proper help, they are going to be messed up for the rest of their lives.

[ForeverDad]

It is not normal for children to hate a parent and parent's family.  (Well, unless they're from fantasy Transylvania.)  However, that your children hate you and probably even your family, without basis, is a strong indication of PA.

This is a not-so-subtle form of parental alienation. It has to be pretty bad for a child to badmouth a parent.  The natural inclination of a normal child is to love both parents.  Really, let's change the storyline.  Imagine the 'horrible' spouse is an alcoholic drunk wonked out a lot of the time.  Would you expect a child to call that parent 'horrible'?  Of course not, the child would probably make excuses for the parent...

Richard Warshak, author of Divorce Poison, is an expert on the subtle and not-so-subtle manipulations and pressuring of children.  He has lectured and been interviewed extrensively.  More recently, there have been some posts here about Dr Craig Childress and his new approach to Parental Alienation.  Decades ago Richard A. Gardner advocated Parental Alienation as a real problem and if successful then it would be said the child suffered that PA Syndrome.  The professional community largely opposed that concept, though I think everyone who sees reality knows it has to be called something.  Well, Childress has a new approach that the mental health community will probably support better than Gardner, that alienation affects attachment and is a form of child abuse.  That description is something that can at last fit into the mental health models or paradigms.

There's a troubled history of PA.  It was initially advocated by Richard Gardner.  But it was resisted by the establishment.  If not accepted, it was mostly rejected.

I haven't gotten the full sense of the difference between the approach by Dr Childress versus Gardner but it is good that someone has found a way to use current processes to deal with the alienation that is obvious to all.  Combine Childress, Eddy, Warshak, Kreger and others and the world will have a clearer and more practical way to provide help to us who are in desperate need of recognition, support and resources.

That's what was so confounding, that literally for decades the establishment has criticized and nit-picked Gardner for his attempt to describe and address extreme, abnormal behaviors and actions that clearly happened but to which many professionals seemed to turn a blind eye.

[trappeddad]

Wilkinson - I am fighting similar issues.    Cannot let the ex put us in a state of depression.    We have to keep fighting.    Easier said than done I know.   I do not know what to do sometimes as it's often a losing battle.    Just try to not let her win.

[defogging]

Wilkinson - What I'm reading is a bunch of negative self talk inside your head.  I'm also reading about how you've tried everything and the process sucks.  You're 100% right it does, especially when you're educated about it.  I've been there brother, the courts and therapists don't recognize this stuff at all.  But, I think you need to change your own mindset above anything else.

I'll share some of my thoughts on my own situation with you.  My D10 is the GC in Mom's world, and is the one I have the most trouble with.  On more than a few occasions D10 has accused me of things, and I've also observed her treating her siblings very poorly.  I have strong concern about her lack of empathy towards others right now, along with her treating Mom like a savior.  I can envision a future where Mom is able to turn D10 against me, and D10 chooses to live with Mom.  That thought hurts like crazy, because I know it's not what D10 needs. 

So, I've thought a lot about what I would do if D10 chooses to live with Mom a few years from now.  I figure I could (a) fight it in court or (b) let her choose.  The decision I've made in my mind is that if one of my kids wants to choose Mom over me I will let them make their own choice. 

I've decided on that for a few reasons:
1.  A court battle to decide where a 16 year old lives would only create more animosity between that 16 year old and myself.
2.  10 year olds turn into 20 and 30 year olds and will eventually realize through life's lessons which parent was being honest with them.
3.  The door would always remain open, and if they changed their mind we could alter the arrangements.
4.  Ultimately, life is short and relationships can be hard.  As much as I love my kids, I have my own life to live too.  If they choose to hate me over things their Mom tells them, I can't live my life forever ruminating about it.

It's a hard thing to think about, but I think that's the best path forward for me.  I just want my kids to know me as their biggest fan, biggest supporter, but also as a guy that lived his life the way he wanted to.  If, when they're 25, they tell me they never want to talk to me again I'll tell them the door is still open but I will go on to live my life.  There is respect (both self and from others) that comes from being your own man.

I believe there's radical acceptance there in my viewpoint.  I can't control what my kids think of me, just as I couldn't control what people thought of me during the divorce.  I was okay with people turning against me when I divorced, eventually I needed to accept that perhaps one of my kids would be turned against me. 

Jury is still out on that in my case, just as it is in your case.  You never know, the kid that hates you may catch Mom in a huge lie and start questioning things.  Please be open to it and just stay the course and be honest about everything.

So, back to my point about negative self talk in the first paragraph.  I get it, the situation sucks, but you need to let that go.  Every day, we all have the choice whether to be negative or positive.  What do you want your kids to think of you?  Are you the negative parent that's frustrated with Mom, and asked me about why I'm upset with you?  (Because you know that's the position the PD likes to put you in) Or, are you the positive parent that climbed a mountain last weekend, always picked up the phone when I called, always had time for me, and always supported me when I needed it?  I totally get that it's hard, but I will always choose the second option to be myself and be strong for them, no matter what they choose.

[Wilkinson]

So, back to my point about negative self talk in the first paragraph.  I get it, the situation sucks, but you need to let that go.  Every day, we all have the choice whether to be negative or positive.  What do you want your kids to think of you?  Are you the negative parent that's frustrated with Mom, and asked me about why I'm upset with you?  (Because you know that's the position the PD likes to put you in) Or, are you the positive parent that climbed a mountain last weekend, always picked up the phone when I called, always had time for me, and always supported me when I needed it?  I totally get that it's hard, but I will always choose the second option to be myself and be strong for them, no matter what they choose.

Yes, I am sunk down in a lot of negative self talk.  I've been in this battle for my kids for a year now.  Before that, it was dealing with all mess of trying to save a failing marriage with an uBPD.  I'm wore out.  I have had hearing after hearing where she seems to scare the courts into letting me be near my kids.  It's hard to just let them choose and hope they come back because she is brainwashing them to vehemently hate me.  The nasty things they say to me and about me are things I never would have thought they'd say about anyone.  I hate to see such good kids be turned so hateful.  I can't help but try to fight in for them because this behavior they are being brainwashed into could permanently affect them and their relationships for the rest of their life.

I don't know what to do about the negative talk.  Every time I try to think positive, something happens that just sends me down.  I guess, I've been adopting the strategy of expectin g the worse so I don't have to deal with the dissapointment of striving for the best and coming in so short.  I know that's not a god way to do it.  I'm just so tired and exhaused.  I'm so angry that the counselros and the court can't see what's going on or deny it.  I'm sick of living under a microscope because I'm always having to defend against the accusations, but no one seems to be questioning her.  No one is questioning why kids would hate their father so much expecially when I've provided pictures and videos from the past showing a loving relationship.  Why do counselors tell me to stop showing bening tokens of appreciation and love because it upsets the kids rather than wondering why kids would be so upset from a hand drawn card in the mail?

[Panda39]

Just sending some...

I hear your exhaustion and the hurt from all of this...okay here's one more  . I know from watching my partner go through the same thing, it is awful!

Just wanted to share my partner's story...

My partner's divorce took 2 years. In the beginning of their separation he was an every other weekend dad and his uBPDxw took full advantage of that. 

(Possession of the kids was 99% of the law - so to speak) Enmeshment with their children is a common thing for a BPD parent, their children are not separate beings but extensions of them.  Parental alienation may have already been going on in the home before the separation.  Enmeshment combined with Black and White thinking...you have to love your father or me instead of seeing the grey...you can love both of your parents.  Then you separate and these things that may have been going on, on a low level blow up because of fear of abandonment.  You've left now there is the fear that the kids will leave them too. 

Things started with...the kids don't want to talk to you...the kids don't want to see you...or when my partner's children would come over they were on a mission for their mom and go through all of his things (including his cellphone) and report back to her.  Who knew that having raspberry sorbet in the freezer was a crime! 

Then things progressed.  My partner was on the phone with his ex got frustrated, hung up and threw the phone into the couch while the kids were in the room.  That blew up...he threw the phone and it shattered against a wall...he threw it at the kids...he wouldn't let the kids leave his apartment!  These were mom's (who wasn't there and saw nothing) distorted/false narratives that her daughters didn't do/say anything to contradict.

My partner was dragged into court.  The uBPDxw didn't show she was "sick", ummmm that's a lie she was out getting a mani/pedi with one of her daughters.  My partner brought is intact phone told his story and was court ordered to take anger management classes.  Did anyone stop and think that maybe he had something to be angry about? (Lesson here keep your anger under wraps)

At this point the kids were refusing contact more and more.  The one sliver of a silver lining was that mom didn't drive, so if the kids needed to go anywhere they had to get their ride from dad.  It wasn't always fun but at least it kept them in contact.

Then mom got evicted and began to couch surf, and the kids came to dad's house.  This was special because he had to pay the ex child support and at the same time support the kids because they lived with him    Around this time the divorce became final and my partner received majority custody (there is a lot more to the story on that) The girls were with him M-F Morning, mom had the girls 3 weekends a month & dad had one weekend.  Mom got a new place and was evicted again, moved in with her sister's family, got a new place and was evicted a 3rd time, then moved into a hotel.  During all of this the girls continued to see/stay with her per the custody agreement.

2015 the chickens come home to roost...consequences to mom's behaviors. 

Mom sent older daughter of to college on the east coast with the promise that her family had a "trust fund" that would cover what was not covered by financial aid.  Dad advised his daughter against it, but mom showed her things that convinced her, she wanted to believe and she wanted to go.  She was 18 dad couldn't do anything about it.  So off she went she had a lovely and successful first semester and on Christmas Break she was told to pay the remaining $15,000 that was due or not to come back.  There was not Trust Fund, and no one had $15,000.  D18 (at the time) was left holding the bag.  That winter she went no contact with her mother.

Summer mom sends younger daughter out of state to Summer Camp on a one-way plane ticket (mom sent her the year before too).  Well a couple of days later we get a phone call from younger daughter (who has been instructed by mom not to tell dad what's going on).  Daughter is at the parent's house of a friend of mom's and has been staying there while waiting form mom to pay for camp.  Well you guessed it there was no money, no plane ticket home, and to top it off she never paid for camp the year before.  It took her dad and several of mom's family members to get D14 (at the time) back home.  That summer she went low contact with her mother.

I share this story because I think it's important that you don't give up, see your kids every opportunity you have (even if they are mean or ignore you - continue to show them your desire to see them and you are the same old dad you have always been)

Things change...your ex can shoot herself in the foot like my partner's did, or your kids will mature, or they may have to learn some lessons the hard way.

I also encourage you to do some self-care, take care of you, do things you enjoy, see a Therapist if you aren't already, pour your feelings out in a journal, hike, garden, take a bubble bath, see a friend...whatever floats your boat.  We use the airplane analogy around here a lot...When the oxygen mask drops on a plane we are told to put our own on first and then help others.  Why, because we can't help anyone not even ourselves if we are unconscious.

Take Care and know we are here for you,
Panda3

[defogging]

Great post from Panda39, that highlights what I've been pointing to.  IME, the PD will eventually shoot themselves in the foot and people will see their behavior for what it is.  I'm still working through it with the kids, but I can tell you that in my case the teachers and therapists have turned around and now want to talk to me instead of Mom.  I didn't have to convince them of anything, I sat back and let Mom do the damage to herself. 

Might I suggest that perhaps it's time to step back a bit, take care of yourself, and let things play out on their own?  I don't mean walking away, just focus more on making yourself happy.  If you're able to do this, you will be happier and that will improve your interactions with your kids, therapists, and the courts because you won't be on edge about things.  This is something you're going have to do eventually, as your kids will at some point grow up and move out on their own.

I see some similarities in our two situations.  My children haven't been near as vocal about any dislike for me, but the pattern of PA has been clear.  What happens in my situation is this:  Whenever my kids are with Mom for an extended period, one of them (usually D10) is mad at me over something once they're back at my house.  It shows up as criticism about how I need to do something differently, that I'm not doing xyz right, etc.  It threw me off the first couple of times but now I can recognize it pretty quickly.

Typically, D10 is told things that aren't true in order to paint me in a negative light.  "Dad isn't bringing you to X activity at the right time because he hates that activity and wants you to quit".  That was the most recent one.  The result was D10 shouting at me in the car about being late and not being able to advance to the next level because of me.  The truth was that I was following the instructions from the coach exactly as directed, and Mom was wrong about it.  When I picked up D10 after the activity, I showed her the email from the coach on my phone and reiterated to her that she wasn't late, in fact she was there at the exact time she needed to be. 

I've found it helpful to sprinkle in some truth to poke holes in the boat of Mom's lies.  It's a delicate balance.  I don't want to place the child in the middle of the parental discussions, but unfortunately they're already placed in the middle by Mom setting up the battles beforehand.  Just a little bit here and there, and just enough to get them to question things without dragging them into it.  All the while, only speaking positively about Mom.

We've had a few instances like this.  This is one of my ex's favorite games, I call it "selective miscommunication".  I've seen it a million times.  She tells me different information than what she tells others (or tells me nothing at all), then tries to catch me in a "gotcha" moment to make me look irresponsible.

As I've figured this out with D10 recently, it's provided a great opportunity to have conversations about how important it is that we communicate with each other.  I don't bash Mom at all, I just tell her my side of things and explain that Mom and I are different people with different ways of approaching things.  I ask her to think about how she would feel if she were in my shoes.  "D10, if a teacher told me you hit someone at school would you want me to ask for your side of the story, or punish you without hearing your side?"  Of course, she responds that she would want to explain her side.  So, I explain that I should receive the same benefit of the doubt from her, and it's not fair for her to be mad at me without hearing my side.

It hasn't been easy, right now D10 has placed Mom up high on a pedestal and really wants to believe exPDw is the saint she portrays herself as.  I can see D10 really wanting to believe Mom over me, but I know I can't allow D10 to be duped by all the manipulation, it's just not healthy.  I think the best we can do as parents is remain steady and calm (way easier said than done, I know!) because at some point that veil will be lifted from their eyes and they will realize which parent was lying the whole time and which one wasn't.  I've never dealt with that from a child's perspective, but I have to imagine it's a crushing blow to realize your parent has been filling you with lies for years.

[defogging]

One more thought I want to add about this. 

I don't want my last post to come across as advice to get in a back and forth battle with your ex to show the kids who is telling the truth, that is counterproductive and forces them to take sides which is exactly what you don't want.

I think the best approach is to develop the skill of critical thinking in your kids, so they can start figuring things out for themselves.  Working with them on a daily basis to get them to question things and develop their own opinions helps a lot.  This is something I've been working on with them, in ways that are not connected to Mom.  I've found there are opportunities in everyday life where I can encourage them to question things and form their own opinion.  Situations with friends, teachers, activities, even things I can point out to them when we're watching a movie together.  I ask them open ended questions about what they think about something, what they think might be a better way to handle a situation, etc.

When we're dealing with a situation between us, I make sure to ask them how they want to handle it and what outcome they want.  This has gone a long way in improving my relationships with them, because having their own say in family decisions is something they aren't allowed at Mom's house.  Mom decides for you and talks you into it.  That doesn't mean they always get their way at my house, but 99% of the time we each explain our side, arrive at a compromise, and both parties feel good about it.

Even though I rarely talk about Mom in these situations I can see vast improvements in the kids' self confidence levels, and recognize how much more skilled they are getting at thinking critically about things.  I've been discussing D10 here, but the biggest turnaround I've seen is in D7.  D7 is the kindest, sweetest, most soft spoken person I've ever known.  She used to be a high strung kid that would throw up a lot, but now has transformed into a playful, sweet and loving kid that will speak her opinion because she knows it's safe to do so in my house.

[ForeverDad]

What was the court outcome?  Was supervised status terminated but little else as her consequences?  Sadly, that's often what many of us experienced.  Court is an expert in the principle of least follow-through.

Do the children have court ordered counselors or therapists?  If not, you can file for that.  But do it in a smart way.  You need to provide a vetted list of experienced counselors for the kids that are less likely to be gullible or biased in favor of mother.  (Also ones that accept the children's insurance.)  Then you can offer for mother to pick from that vetted list.  Courts like this approach involving both parents and it reduces risk of your ex being allowed to pick her own choice of an inexperienced or gullible professional.

Don't ignore your own needs for local support such as having your own counselor too.

[Wilkinson]

What was the court outcome?  Was supervised status terminated but little else as her consequences? 

Nothing changed during court.  I still have the same parenting time and I'm still supervised.  The GAL did bring up that he feels the supervision is more for my protection than the kids.   

Do the children have court ordered counselors or therapists? 

Yes they do, however I didn't get to pick them.  The judge referred us to a counselor who said they were too busy so unloaded us on a young counselor with 6 years of experience.  This counselor sent all of us to individual counselors to help us individually before we do any joint counseling with me.  This counselor is also seeing my uBPDw and has made it clear she believes her story which seems to influence the other counselors.

She is just amazing in her manipulation. 

[ForeverDad]

Nothing changed during court.  I still have the same parenting time and I'm still supervised.  The GAL did bring up that he feels the supervision is more for my protection than the kids.

I'm often telling new members or newly separated members that (1) supervised is only for cases where the parent has shown risk or actual substantive abuse such as child abuse, neglect or endangerment, or (2) the case needs a few weeks for children's agency to report back whether they have "concerns" or "no concerns".  (In my case it was the two weeks between my ex filing for a TPO and our hearing where both parents appeared in court.  The CPS rep stood up and stated he had "no concerns" about me.

Five months of supervision is definitely uncommon.  Even if it is "for your protection", it is still enabling the ex to continue programming the kids against you.

What is your lawyer's explanation about all the delays?  Are you confident your lawyer is not the "great at filing forms and holding client's hand" sort and is instead experienced and proactive?

[Wilkinson]

Five months of supervision is definitely uncommon.  Even if it is "for your protection", it is still enabling the ex to continue programming the kids against you.

What is your lawyer's explanation about all the delays?  Are you confident your lawyer is not the "great at filing forms and holding client's hand" sort and is instead experienced and proactive?

Yeah, it's definitely weird for me.  The first CPS call on me ended up with an indicated ruling.  I'm appealing it, but that seemed to be the thing that was used against me.  However, I've been supervised since December with no issues.  My ex wife has filed two more baseless CPS charges since, but still uses the accusations against me.  One of them that was found unsubstantiated was against my daughter and CPS and the police looked into it and said there was nothing wrong. However, my wife pushed it with counselors and they are now trying to treat her for trauma and want me to have counseling to deal with my abusive tendencies.

I don't know about my lawyer.  I got this lawyer from a friend that had a high conflict divorce.  They are definitely expensive.  My exwife's lawyer is a shark.  I'm not sure what to do.  I'm worried about getting a new lawyer after a year into this.

[Radcliff]

You've got a tough situation.  Hang in there.  Have you read Bill Eddy's book, Don't Alienate the Kids?  Also, Overcoming the Co-parenting Trap, by Matthew Sullivan.  Ignore the stuff in Sullivan's book about what the favored parent is supposed to do, because she is unlikely to do it -- don't allow yourself to have expectations that will frustrate you.  Pay attention to what Eddy says about the system, and ourselves, making matters worse.  Don't do the things that make matters worse.  Pay attention to what Sullivan says to do. 

It is not abusive to send cards.  Boundaries are what we do to protect ourselves, not to control others.  Healthy boundaries doesn't mean they can tell you not to send cards.  It means they can choose not to open them.  Either Sullivan or Eddy uses the example of alienated parents who sent cards for years that were unopened, but reconnected with their children later who appreciated the efforts.  And children who asked for no cards and didn't receive them in later years said they wish their alienated parent hadn't listened to them.  You can even say something like that to your kids, that they have every right not to open the cards, but you won't stop loving them.

I was very depressed when I got out of an abusive marriage, and it really impacted my parenting.  I am still dealing with alienation.  I found a counselor who really understood relationships, and she said the most important thing for me to do was to get healthy myself, to become a calm, secure, happy dad who the kids wanted to spend time with.  I was a depressed, reactive, wounded dad.  By getting healthy myself, I stopped making things worse, and positioned myself to find and take advantage of opportunities to build connections with my kids.

It does sound very important to get connected with an evaluator who knows what they are doing.  Keep us posted on your progress.  Don't give up.

RC

[Wilkinson]

It is not abusive to send cards.  Boundaries are what we do to protect ourselves, not to control others.  Healthy boundaries doesn't mean they can tell you not to send cards.  It means they can choose not to open them. 

Thank you for your words.  I wholeheartedly agree with this statement and I was bound and determined to keep sending the cards. I stopped when the counselor for my kids admonished me for continuing to send them in a letter to the court.  In her letter she used those cards as an example of me not listening to my kids' boundaries by continuing to send them when they asked me not to.  She even listed the post mark of the cards that were sent AFTER the kids asked me not to send them.  Her letter seemed to be very clear that she took me sending those cards as some sort of negative thing and felt to inform the court that I was not following counseling guidance.  It's that kind of PLEASE READ that pisses me off to no end.

We did get an evaluator approved by the judge, but it is my evaluator not the court's.  So her lawyer will argue that it was just a hired gun with a conclusion that was pre-determined, bought and paid for.  Hopefully the evaluator will be good enough to prove the conclusion, which I can't imagine won't be anything less of severe alienation.

[ForeverDad]

It is not abusive to send cards.  Boundaries are what we do to protect ourselves, not to control others.  Healthy boundaries doesn't mean they can tell you not to send cards.  It means they can choose not to open them.  Either Sullivan or Eddy uses the example of alienated parents who sent cards for years that were unopened, but reconnected with their children later who appreciated the efforts.  And children who asked for no cards and didn't receive them in later years said they wish their alienated parent hadn't listened to them.  You can even say something like that to your kids, that they have every right not to open the cards, but you won't stop loving them.

How to state to the court that it is extremely concerning when children refuse all contact with a parent?  Typically there has to be a reason why the parent is shunned.  Either there is basis (substantive abuse) or they have been influenced (alienated) to do that.  There are similar stories of kids who insist all the relatives of the rejected parent are bad too.  Kids typically do not categorize that way, it is another sign the lids have been influenced to do that.

Probably "influenced" is too mild of a word but I used it here so it wouldn't appear overly inflammatory, courts seem to prefer understated phrases.  I recall when I was seeking custody and the court decision on my Change of Circumstances motion concluded Mother was "not credible" rather than call her a liar.  (But if you have to call it like it is, then do what is appropriate.)