3 years still hurting

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

How can this be possible? We were only together 3 years...
I am in my late 50s, and after a divorce and a couple of long term relationships, I felt I had finally, finally met "the one".

We met and it was instance attraction. He had been separated for 10 months from a 39 year marriage, divorce papers filed, his wife was already living with someone. We live in a small town so kept our relationship on the down low, spending evenings at his house and going out of town on the weekends. It just seemed to add to the attraction and the speed of connecting, living in that bubble.

He was over the top in love with me. Called my his "super model". Told me he was so ready to be happy in love after all those years of misery. He told me his marriage was a cycle of getting along, problems build up, he would move out, things would settle down, he would move home. I know his wife and she was famous around town for being awful, drinks a lot. So,it sounded like he was just this hounded man who stayed for his kids and because "I hated to admit I made a mistake".

Those first few weeks, we would have what he called "serious talk time", where he told he he didn't want to date around, wanted a long term relationship. Told me "we must ALWAYS talk if there is a problem". In short, he was WONDERFUL to me. I moved in after 3 months. We never had one ugly fight, always "talked" like he asked.

We were in a pub one night and out of the blue he asked me if I had ever had any doubts about us and then with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face said "I have never had any doubts, not one. I am so happy"...4 weeks later, the day after we had gotten back from an amazing trip to Boston,  I went to sleep with my head on his chest, feeling safe, happy and loved, like I had for 3 years only to wake up to "I need a break". He said "I can't make another mistake, I need to date around"...He had never said one word to me about any of these feelings prior. In one day, I lost the man I loved, our dog, and my home.

I moved out that day. I felt like last weeks trash put on the curb. He was dating a woman that he had gone out with a couple of time before me but told me "Don't worry. She's not my type" a month after I moved out.

They dated for a year and a half before he took her on a trip out west. When they got back, he sent her an email breaking up with her saying "I need to think"...she said he was already flirting with a new woman and sure enough, started dating her. They are still together now...

I have moved through a lot of this. I don't cry, I recognize the lessons I should have learned but...it STILL hurts when I hear even a word about him, let alone see him. His new girlfriend commented on a facebook post I wrote, trying to be nice and I was furious. I don't want her engaging with me in anyway but why did that hit me so hard? At Christmas, he emailed me congratulating me on a festival I put on but included "I'm sorry I haven't stayed in touch but am finding no amount of time is making it any easier"...again, that sent me spiraling. 

Anyway, my two questions are...WHY can't I let this go? I understand that the blindside aspect is part of it, I was SO HAPPY. But I also have enough self respect to know that what he did was beyond horrific. I should be thanking God I do not have someone that can change on a dime.

The other question. His ex-wife told me once "he was diagnosed b-polar by two therapists". Now, she was drunk, she lied about him all the time and made it a job to tear him down to anyone that would listen...so, I didn't take that seriously until I came across an article here today. I have a friend who's son is b-polar, severely, on meds etc. Has some very severe problems functioning. My ex was nothing like that. But does this sound like he may have traits?
I haven't really had time to read up much but will...I just want to find INDIFFERENCE but just can't find my way...

[Laine60]

How can this be possible? We were only together 3 years...
I am in my late 50s, and after a divorce and a couple of long term relationships, I felt I had finally, finally met "the one".

We met and it was instance attraction. He had been separated for 10 months from a 39 year marriage, divorce papers filed, his wife was already living with someone. We live in a small town so kept our relationship on the down low, spending evenings at his house and going out of town on the weekends. It just seemed to add to the attraction and the speed of connecting, living in that bubble.

He was over the top in love with me. Called my his "super model". Told me he was so ready to be happy in love after all those years of misery. He told me his marriage was a cycle of getting along, problems build up, he would move out, things would settle down, he would move home. I know his wife and she was famous around town for being awful, drinks a lot. So,it sounded like he was just this hounded man who stayed for his kids and because "I hated to admit I made a mistake".

Those first few weeks, we would have what he called "serious talk time", where he told he he didn't want to date around, wanted a long term relationship. Told me "we must ALWAYS talk if there is a problem". In short, he was WONDERFUL to me. I moved in after 3 months. We never had one ugly fight, always "talked" like he asked.

We were in a pub one night and out of the blue he asked me if I had ever had any doubts about us and then with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face said "I have never had any doubts, not one. I am so happy"...4 weeks later, the day after we had gotten back from an amazing trip to Boston,  I went to sleep with my head on his chest, feeling safe, happy and loved, like I had for 3 years only to wake up to "I need a break". He said "I can't make another mistake, I need to date around"...He had never said one word to me about any of these feelings prior. In one day, I lost the man I loved, our dog, and my home.

I moved out that day. I felt like last weeks trash put on the curb. He was dating a woman that he had gone out with a couple of time before me but told me "Don't worry. She's not my type" a month after I moved out.

They dated for a year and a half before he took her on a trip out west. When they got back, he sent her an email breaking up with her saying "I need to think"...she said he was already flirting with a new woman and sure enough, started dating her. They are still together now...

I have moved through a lot of this. I don't cry, I recognize the lessons I should have learned but...it STILL hurts when I hear even a word about him, let alone see him. His new girlfriend commented on a facebook post I wrote, trying to be nice and I was furious. I don't want her engaging with me in anyway but why did that hit me so hard? At Christmas, he emailed me congratulating me on a festival I put on but included "I'm sorry I haven't stayed in touch but am finding no amount of time is making it any easier"...again, that sent me spiraling. 

Anyway, my two questions are...WHY can't I let this go? I understand that the blindside aspect is part of it, I was SO HAPPY. But I also have enough self respect to know that what he did was beyond horrific. I should be thanking God I do not have someone that can change on a dime.

The other question. His ex-wife told me once "he was diagnosed b-polar by two therapists". Now, she was drunk, she lied about him all the time and made it a job to tear him down to anyone that would listen...so, I didn't take that seriously until I came across an article here today. I have a friend who's son is b-polar, severely, on meds etc. Has some very severe problems functioning. My ex was nothing like that. But does this sound like he may have traits?
I haven't really had time to read up much but will...I just want to find INDIFFERENCE but just can't find my way...

[Laine60]

How can this be possible? We were only together 3 years...
I am in my late 50s, and after a divorce and a couple of long term relationships, I felt I had finally, finally met "the one".

We met and it was instance attraction. He had been separated for 10 months from a 39 year marriage, divorce papers filed, his wife was already living with someone. We live in a small town so kept our relationship on the down low, spending evenings at his house and going out of town on the weekends. It just seemed to add to the attraction and the speed of connecting, living in that bubble.

He was over the top in love with me. Called my his "super model". Told me he was so ready to be happy in love after all those years of misery. He told me his marriage was a cycle of getting along, problems build up, he would move out, things would settle down, he would move home. I know his wife and she was famous around town for being awful, drinks a lot. So,it sounded like he was just this hounded man who stayed for his kids and because "I hated to admit I made a mistake".

Those first few weeks, we would have what he called "serious talk time", where he told he he didn't want to date around, wanted a long term relationship. Told me "we must ALWAYS talk if there is a problem". In short, he was WONDERFUL to me. I moved in after 3 months. We never had one ugly fight, always "talked" like he asked.

We were in a pub one night and out of the blue he asked me if I had ever had any doubts about us and then with tears in his eyes and a smile on his face said "I have never had any doubts, not one. I am so happy"...4 weeks later, the day after we had gotten back from an amazing trip to Boston,  I went to sleep with my head on his chest, feeling safe, happy and loved, like I had for 3 years only to wake up to "I need a break". He said "I can't make another mistake, I need to date around"...He had never said one word to me about any of these feelings prior. In one day, I lost the man I loved, our dog, and my home.

I moved out that day. I felt like last weeks trash put on the curb. He was dating a woman that he had gone out with a couple of time before me but told me "Don't worry. She's not my type" a month after I moved out.

They dated for a year and a half before he took her on a trip out west. When they got back, he sent her an email breaking up with her saying "I need to think"...she said he was already flirting with a new woman and sure enough, started dating her. They are still together now...

I have moved through a lot of this. I don't cry, I recognize the lessons I should have learned but...it STILL hurts when I hear even a word about him, let alone see him. His new girlfriend commented on a facebook post I wrote, trying to be nice and I was furious. I don't want her engaging with me in anyway but why did that hit me so hard? At Christmas, he emailed me congratulating me on a festival I put on but included "I'm sorry I haven't stayed in touch but am finding no amount of time is making it any easier"...again, that sent me spiraling.  

Anyway, my two questions are...WHY can't I let this go? I understand that the blindside aspect is part of it, I was SO HAPPY. But I also have enough self respect to know that what he did was beyond horrific. I should be thanking God I do not have someone that can change on a dime.

The other question. His ex-wife told me once "he was diagnosed bi-polar by two therapists". Now, she was drunk, she lied about him all the time and made it a job to tear him down to anyone that would listen...so, I didn't take that seriously until I came across an article here today. I have a friend who's son is bi-polar, severely, on meds etc. Has some very severe problems functioning. My ex was nothing like that. But does this sound like he may have border line personality traits?
I haven't really had time to read up much but will...I just want to find INDIFFERENCE but just can't find my way...

[Laine60]

Sorry for the double post, I was trying to edit.
My ex's wife said he was diagnosed bi-polar by two therapists, was what I meant to say but I wonder if he is more borderline personality...

[FindingMe2011]

I don't want her engaging with me in anyway but why did that hit me so hard?

Putting yourself out on social media (fantasy) has its consequences...Possibly you have missed something processing this r/s ?  People only have the power over us, that we CHOOSE to give them. Maybe this is something to investigate.

At Christmas, he emailed me congratulating me on a festival I put on but included "I'm sorry I haven't stayed in touch but am finding no amount of time is making it any easier"...again, that sent me spiraling.

Why answer or even look at emails? This sounds counter productive, and appears you still have some sort of attachment. Letting go can sometimes be hard.

.I just want to find INDIFFERENCE but just can't find my way...

Keep searching for understanding, with as much patience possible, Indifference will find you.

My ex's wife said he was diagnosed bi-polar by two therapists, was what I meant to say but I wonder if he is more borderline personality...

Its very possible. many time these 2 disorders are mis diagnosed. They both show radical mood swings. One is a chemical imbalance. The other is a learned behavior and learning while medicated is impossible.. There is no better teacher than experience. I wish you well Peace

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Laine60, What keeps you hangin' on, as the song says?  Presumably there is something in your background, perhaps from your FOO or other childhood trauma, that remains unresolved.  It's worth exploring why you got into a r/s with this guy in the first place, which could lead to indifference once you identify the pattern or dynamic.

In a related question, what makes you think your Ex has BPD, instead of Bipolar disorder?

LuckyJim