Do others understand what you are going through?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I don't know if this is the right place to Post this.

It seems like this is the only place that people understand what I have to deal with when it comes to my Mom.  Last night I was in a discussion with my husband of over 30 years about one of my current difficulties.  Mom is being that BIG victim in the Vi

I kept getting the "why  don't you just do XYZ?"  It's not that I haven't.  I have and with bad results.  They say "don't poke the bear".   Should extend it to say "Don't poke the bear, especially in her  known sore spots."

When I told him that I wasn't go to do what he suggested because it was not worth it, then he stormed out of the room muttering about me having an attitude.  Which of course was not helpful either. He is usually pretty sweet, but sometimes I do feel stuck between the two of them.  I didn't let it upset me though.  Just shook my head and let him storm away.  Things learned dealing with Mom. 

[todayistheday]

I don't know if this is the right place to Post this.

It seems like this is the only place that people understand what I have to deal with when it comes to my Mom.  Last night I was in a discussion with my husband of over 30 years about one of my current difficulties.  Mom is being that BIG victim in the Vi

I kept getting the "why  don't you just do XYZ?"  It's not that I haven't.  I have and with bad results.  They say "don't poke the bear".   Should extend it to say "Don't poke the bear, especially in her  known sore spots."

When I told him that I wasn't go to do what he suggested because it was not worth it, then he stormed out of the room muttering about me having an attitude.  Which of course was not helpful either. He is usually pretty sweet, but sometimes I do feel stuck between the two of them.  I didn't let it upset me though.  Just shook my head and let him storm away.  Things learned dealing with Mom. 

[Goldcrest]

Yes and yes and yes! It is so hard. Mostly my husband is brilliant but he too finds it hard to just listen and not offer advice. I don't see my mother that often, only about twice a year but since she has been ill she dominates our lives and I speak to her every other day. When I get upset by something and off load my husband gets angry on my behalf or frustrated if he hears me on the phone to her. I have talked to him about this. I now ask him not to give advice and just listen. I try to turn it around and use examples from times I push advice on to him when he would rather I listened. 

This forum is invaluable. I come here on the bad days and it really helps to remind me that I am not alone and to get some lovely support and read other peoples stories and advice and questions.

[Notwendy]

I think the idea of a child having less than positive feelings for their mother is something people don't understand unless they have been there themselves.

My H knows how my BPD mother is, and how she treats me but emotionally he doesn't get it. He has a caring mother, and so it's hard for him to imagine anything different.

My mother's family doesn't get it and thinks I am the one with the problem. Yet, they walk on eggshells with her but I think that's normal to them.

I have learned to not expect others to understand, unless they too have had a similar experience.