Is There Such Thing As Mild-BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've recently discovered my mom has undiagnosed BPD but I think it's a mild case. I've read Mayo Clinic, Wikipedia, WebMD's clinical definitions of BPD and they don't seem to fit my mom's behaviour at all but when I read about what BPD looks like it people it fits ALMOST exactly my mom.
 My mom doesn't seem to have the impulsivity or suicidal tendencies of 'classic' BPD. She also doesn't tend to go straight to rage and abuse off the bad when she gets angry (although push just a little bit and there it is). My mom does have trouble with relationships, she's only dated beta type men and complained they are always too subservient. She's fallen in love with Alpha males but they don't put up with her behaviour. She has one friend she's had since high-school and they where besties for a long time because my mom was the popular one and her friend was not, they even lived together but my mom was in charge. Since her friend moved out and got married their relationship has been an on-again-off-again roller coaster. My mom was the most amazing mom growing up, loving, caring, compassionate but as my siblings and I got older that seemed to transition into the current version of my mom, bitter, angry, constantly complaining about how life has screwed her over. We can argue and debate as long as it's not about her. Her tactics are anger, rage and belittlement, at least not at first. She starts with guilt-tripping, then gas-lighting then finally anger, rage and belittlement.
Is it possible my mom has a 'mild' case of BPD or is she just very good at hiding the symptoms? How did I got 32 years without noticing?

[Hades3k]

I've recently discovered my mom has undiagnosed BPD but I think it's a mild case. I've read Mayo Clinic, Wikipedia, WebMD's clinical definitions of BPD and they don't seem to fit my mom's behaviour at all but when I read about what BPD looks like it people it fits ALMOST exactly my mom.
 My mom doesn't seem to have the impulsivity or suicidal tendencies of 'classic' BPD. She also doesn't tend to go straight to rage and abuse off the bad when she gets angry (although push just a little bit and there it is). My mom does have trouble with relationships, she's only dated beta type men and complained they are always too subservient. She's fallen in love with Alpha males but they don't put up with her behaviour. She has one friend she's had since high-school and they where besties for a long time because my mom was the popular one and her friend was not, they even lived together but my mom was in charge. Since her friend moved out and got married their relationship has been an on-again-off-again roller coaster. My mom was the most amazing mom growing up, loving, caring, compassionate but as my siblings and I got older that seemed to transition into the current version of my mom, bitter, angry, constantly complaining about how life has screwed her over. We can argue and debate as long as it's not about her. Her tactics are anger, rage and belittlement, at least not at first. She starts with guilt-tripping, then gas-lighting then finally anger, rage and belittlement.
Is it possible my mom has a 'mild' case of BPD or is she just very good at hiding the symptoms? How did I got 32 years without noticing?

[Sylfine]

Hi Hades3k.  I could have written very similar things about my mother.  Look up high functioning BPD.  That seems to be the best fit. 

You might "not have noticed" because to you, your mother's behavior was normal.  It's possible she gaslit you to believe that any time she was exhibiting BPD behavior, it was your fault therefore you didn't associate it with anything being wrong. 

Good luck with your journey.  Figuring out the issue is half the battle.

[livednlearned]

I'm sorry you've been belittled and treated poorly, Hades3k. It's painful to be on the receiving end of the behaviors you describe whether someone's traits are severe or mild.

Is it possible my mom has a 'mild' case of BPD or is she just very good at hiding the symptoms?

I was curious about this, too, when I was learning about BPD. I saw a youtube video featuring Gundersen, one of the leading experts on BPD (since deceased) who was arguing that there should be a diagnostic tool to describe severity of symptoms, not just a list of criteria like the DSM (which he helped to develop). So your question is expert level 

I've also read elsewhere on this site that, since a person only needs 5 (or is i 6?) out of 9 of the criteria to be dx'd BPD, there are over a thousand different configurations for those symptoms to present in a person.

Have you come across Millon's subtypes before? Here's an article that discusses one way to characterize the spectrum or severity of BPD:

https://www.bridgestorecovery.com/borderline-personality-disorder/types-borderline-personality-disorder/

I also found James Masterson's book In Search of the Real Self very helpful. His approach seems almost pre-DSM in how he theorizes the development of a personality disorder, and that made so much sense to me in terms of how my pwBPD is hurt, and has hurt people, both sides of the coin.

Even a mild presentation of BPD traits can be excessively painful when you are in a close relationship 

I hope you are doing ok.

LnL

[LunaJoy]

Hi, I have also thought a lot of people have had worse experiences than me, and sometimes I wondered why I was so upset with my mother when it was so difficult to pinpoint what in her behaviour was upsetting me.  In the end, I thought I often don’t exist as a real person for her, she just talks at me, isn’t interested in anything I say and enjoys telling me why I’m wrong.  However, she was a doting grandmother to my two children, and it was the happiest time of our adult relationship.  She liked to decide what their characters were - a clever one and a charming one - and experience little dramas with reference to these qualities.  She would try the same with my character, and I hated it (years of telling people I was popular at school when I was shy and the class runt).

Like you, I wondered how she had become so bitter about life and why she was so horrible about other people. Children seem to bring out her best qualities.

Sadly, my dad was a beta male and got a lot of grief, which she feels guilty about now that he is a poor helpless old man in a care home, and not being irritating in her personal space.

This is a fantastic place to find support, and there are excellent articles setting out practical techniques for defusing the drama.  Even if your mother was not so severe, your relationship with her sounds quite stressful and maybe painful as an adult, and I wish you the best for your wellbeing.