Good or bad idea?

[Carguy]

Hey group! I'd like some input.

So my ex his very cold and angry towards me and has been since last November. In November she was pushing me away again and told me we were just friends and to go live my life. I went on a date with another girl and since then she has been very angry. She even said she didn't know why she was so angry because she told me to go live my life.

She flipped back and forth from seeming to want connection to me to pushing me away and being cold and angry.

In February she got angry at me so I told her I was going no contact. 2 days later she told me she didn't want her anger to be the last thing said to me and she apologized and wanted to talk. She was really sweet but then a couple of days later she went right back to where she was and told me she would not talk to me unless it was about her vehicles on my property or her kitties at my house that my mama cat had.

A few weeks later she was hanging out with another guy and got roses. Inside I felt like if she was moving on and we couldn't even talk then why was I keeping her stuff at my house? She wasn't even really being a friend. I told her she needed to take her Vehicles off my property and I asked her about the kitties and she told me I would have to keep them. Since then she has been very cold and angry towards me. She won't even talk to me and ignores me and hasn't flipped back at all.

The end of May was the last time I had contact with her and she was angry at me again. Since then I have stayed away from Walmart where she works and have avoided contact.

A few weeks ago I ran into her at a car show and she kept walking by like she must have been watching where I was going. She was walking around with another guy but that look more like they were just friends. No hand-holding or arms around each other or anything like that.

I feel horrible about how things ended and I really do miss her even on a friend level. We dated for four years and have been friends for 15 years. Even though things are so bad between us she really made an impact in my life. For that I will always be thankful.

This is where my question comes in. There's a good chance we will never be together again and I don't know if she will ever reach out to me again or if we will ever even be friends. I have thought about naming a star after her and on the certificate tell her that she is a shining star in people's lives and to thank her for being a shining star in mine. Tell her that I will never forget her. Stuff like that. I have always wanted to do that for someone who meant a lot in my life and at one point she really did. I would like to do this so she knows that someone still really cares about her even if she's angry at me. What do you think? Good idea or bad idea?

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[Mutt]

Hi Carguy,

I told her she needed to take her Vehicles off my property and I asked her about the kitties and she told me I would have to keep them. Since then she has been very cold and angry towards me. She won't even talk to me and ignores me and hasn't flipped back at all.

I can understand how difficult this situation is when you have a long history together and it's hard to let go of that chapter and there's a lot of feelings coming from both sides. The anger that is coming from her is positive in the sense that you know that there are feelings there for you I think that it sounds like she has some sort of conflict and that the chapter is the not completely closed for her and when her vehicles on your property were no longer an option that could seem to her like she's losing you because you're taking away a reason for her to get in touch with you. It's hard to approach someone after you break up - so this is an ice breaker in a sense.

I think that you feel guilt for taking that option away from her and to answer your question you have to think about who it benefits at this time if you were to tell her that she is a star and if the last interaction in her mind might come off as resentful ( I'm not saying that you are, I'm just saying that you reacted ) she might not receive your message as intended and to a degree you're creating an ice breaker in a way where you are giving a chance for both to interact.

An option would be to retract or let her leave the vehicles on your property for now because you're not reacting and if you're really not done with the r/s you're leaving the door open for her in a way so that she can get in touch with you about something that is unrelated. I wouldn't give her the star or talk about the state of the r/s at this point but leave the option with the vehicles there so that you can create a chance in the future. I don't think that she's 100% done and it doesn't sound like you are either.

[Carguy]

Hey Mutt!

My concern is how she would receive it too. My hope is that she might see I do care deeply for her and let her know someone see' s her inner beauty too. Honestly I would hope that it would  leave a positive  memory of me in her mind.  Maybe start healing our relationship even if it's just on a friend level. Her reactions to my reaching out lately have been angry though so it worries me.

Her leaving the vehicles on my property is not an option anymore. She came and moved them off of my property back in March. I also asked her about the kitties and she said I would have to keep them. I wasn't clear if that meant I would keep them until she could take them or I was taking ownership of them. At the end of May I seen her in Walmart and told her if she ever wanted her kitties to let me know that she got angry and almost yelling told me "I told you I didn't want them!" After that interaction I have stayed away from Walmart and avoided running into her. After I had her moved her vehicles she has been very cold and angry with no sign of reversing.

It has been over 2 months but a couple of weeks ago I ran into her at a car show. I was there with a female friend (the one I went out on a few dates with back in November that she was so angry about) and I was looking at a car and as I was turned talking to the owner of this car I seen a girl walking by and from the back thought it looked like her. She turned around and walked back by. It was her. It was like she was trying to make sure I seen her walking by with another guy. It also seemed like maybe she was trying to see if I was with someone.

 A few minutes later we was at the Pavilion and I seen she was in the pin-up girl contest. I told my friend that I was going to go say hi to my other friend that had a car in the show. I walked over to talk to him and in less than a minute she came walking over by his car and walked by us maybe 10 feet away with the other guy. It seemed it was intentional. She had to go out of her way to walk by me and probably was watching where I was going so she could. I'm not sure it was very serious between her and this guy though. Every time I seen them they were not holding hands, interlocking arms, or having their arms each other. They were just walking side-by-side and talking.

I just acted like I didn't see her there. I just ignored it. I think she was trying to make me jealous or something.

There is a part of me that has also thought about going into Walmart to shop and telling her if I run into her that the hardest part about all this is that I still love her. Maybe even apologize for my stuff that I brought into the relationship. More more I'm realizing that I brought stuff in too. But I'm just afraid she will get angry with me again. I don't know what the best thing is to do in order to fix this.

You may be right about her still having feelings. I don't know if she is completely done or not but if she is trying to make me jealous and with some of her past pinging I have seen, I think there is still is some kind of feelings there. Maybe that is a good sign like you said.

One other thing I noticed at the car show was that since we parted last November she has noticeably put on some weight in her bum. I was kind of surprised. My therapist says putting weight in a short period of time could signify she's been depressed over this. He said that would be his first guest.

[Mutt]

I would hope that it would  leave a positive  memory of me in her mind.

Space and time and non interference will garner the same results unless someone did something unforgivable. The positive memories will come back.

Maybe start healing our relationship even if it's just on a friend level.

Aspiring to be friends for now might telegraph to her that you want to lock her down in a r/s. Ill suggest giving her space again so that positive memories come back.

She had to go out of her way to walk by me and probably was watching where I was going so she could.

I just acted like I didn't see her there. I just ignored it. I think she was trying to make me jealous or something.

I agree. It sounds like she’s trying to get a reaction out of you and probably because she feels hurt.

You may be right about her still having feelings. I don't know if she is completely done or not but if she is trying to make me jealous and with some of her past pinging I have seen, I think there is still is some kind of feelings there. Maybe that is a good sign like you said.

She could be depressed, it could be meds or a hormone imbalance. I don’t think that she doesn’t feel anything for you if she’s hurt and she’s to make you feel hurt - those are feelings if she felt nothing she would go no contact, avoid you etc.

I don’t think that you have to fix anything and I think that bringing up to the topic of a r/s is not going to help. She probably doesn’t want to talk about what happened etc.

One way to repair things is to give her space and if you feel like you’re okay with going to Walmart it’s not going to affect you and you’re just putting yourself out there to display that you’re ok and maybe sensing to see if she’s going to look in your direction etc and if you do happen talk to her break the ice by just keeping a light conversation, don’t bring anything up anything up about your past together or anything romantic about her and don’t give her the sense that you want to lock her down in a r/s.

Like I said keep things light and be jokingly. Keep things fun so that  you’re not creating a stressful situation and it invites things for a future interactions because if you say something romantic to her that she’s not ready for or you put her in a position where she has to explain why she broke up ( I’m just saying this for context ) it puts her in a difficult spot that’s just not positive or fun.

Think of it this way if you asked her why she broke and you’re respond back with What do you mean I’m needy? It’s not pleasant having to be put on the spot like that. For now, take care of you, get enough sleep, eat well and work out and stay busy with hobbies etc and if you get a chance where you do talk to her or you see her just keep things light so that  you’re not putting her in an uncomfortable situation where she might have to say things that they’re hard to talk about.

[Carguy]

Mutt,

So tonight after work I went into Walmart to do some shopping. On my way in she was standing under the awning right outside the door greeting people and I guess checking for masks? When I walked in she was talking to some people so I just kept walking. On the way out I glanced over and she wasn't looking at me. I started crossing the drive and glanced over again and she turned her head and looked right at me. I gave a small wave and said "see ya." I can't be a 100% sure but I think she might have gave me a small nod and then looked away again.

So she does still look at me and doesn't completely ignore me it seems.

Before I read your last message I was wondering if maybe my best course of action is when I see her in public or at Walmart say hi or hey and when leaving say bye or later or see ya. Some sort of acknowledgement that is short and simple. Do that for a while and if she starts warming up then step it up to asking "How are you?"

I also think that I should keep my stops to Walmart down. Not go in there every couple of days like before. Spread it out. There is one other grocery store in town that I have been going to. It's a little more expensive and not as big of selection but they have what I need as well.

I think you're right as far as bringing up a relationship or friendship. I think that would only push her further away and anger her. I really don't think she is anywhere near wanting anything like that with me at this point.

So bringing up the fact that I still love her probably isn't a good idea? Or apologizing for my stuff in the past? I don't know if she would be hoping for an apology for my stuff and for me to show some remorse or not. I'm not sure how she would respond to that. In the past when we have had difficulties and been apart, when I approached her and wholeheartedly apologized and admitted my faults of what I did wrong it seemed to start up the dialogue. Things were pretty bad during those times but weren't as bad as they are now.

Maybe I should just start with saying hi and giving space and when (and if) she starts warming up then apologize?

[Mutt]

Know what to apologize for and what you did wrong. If things are strained and she’s upset at you and she’s not thinking positive things about you it’s going to harder for you. Think of it this way let’s say that time passed and she starts to miss you and those positive feelings come back then your chances to talk to her and repair the friendship are going to be better than if she’s angry at you and has negative thoughts and feelings about you.

The positive feelings will come back it’s going to time for the negative ones to subside as long as you’re not chasing and pleading and begging.  So if her feelings about you are 100% negative then your chances are really low, if she had 80% negative feelings towards in the next month then it’s better but it could still be a lot better then by the third months if it’s at 50% then it’s a lot better your chances have greatly increased compared to two months ago.

Now is a good time to self reflect and think about what things that you need work on and think about what made her upset.

That said, approaching her now knowing how she feels about you, how do you think it’s going to be received? What if you hold on to that when it’s less tense and if she’s showing interest and you told her what you think of her what do you think the effects will be? I’m not saying to not say it but what I’m saying is if you save it and used it at a time that’s more sensitive towards how she’s feeling you’ll probably validate her and make her feel good and she’ll appreciate that more than using it at a time where maybe you’re not sure what you did wrong and didn’t apologize for the right things.

[Carguy]

I think I have a pretty good idea what I should be apologizing for. The thing she brought up over and over is how I would get angry at her. I would feel like my buttons were being pushed at times and would get irritated. I would never flat out yell at her, I never insulted her or called her names, and never ever would be physical. That's just not who I am. My voice would raised and I would get frustrated though. A lot of my reaction did hurt her when I was frustrated. I also know that I react when I feel like I'm going to be abandoned. A lot of this stems from my childhood with my mother and other children. These are things that I am working on in therapy. My reaction of having her move her Vehicles off my property is a good example. I know she is very angry about that. She is also still very angry I dated someone else even though she told me to go live my life when I asked about dating others and she said we were just friends.

More and more I am realizing how much of my stuff I brought into this relationship too. I struggle with codependency. Something I brought up to her towards the end and she said she had noticed too. This is another thing I am working on.

At this point I am trying not to chase, plead, or beg. I know these are huge turn-offs to women.

The one thing that worries me is that her feelings will remain negative towards me. I told my therapist that I didn't want her to hate me forever. He reassured me that she wouldn't. He said because she has flip back and forth in the recent past. He said that she will eventually start thinking "He wasn't that bad." I still wonder inside if she will start feeling positive toward me though.

Right now I don't know how she would react for sure. Two months ago I know it would have been negative because she did react very angrily and negative towards me. I went two months no contact and completely out of her sight with the exception of maybe passing her going the other way on the road and one time about a month ago when I pulled into Walmart and within a minute she walked behind my car. I didn't see her face-to-face until two weeks ago at the car show. She pretended to ignore me like I did her at the car show but like I said, she did keep walking past. The other day I went to Walmart and she was outside a little ways away and she made no attempt to engaged. I'm not sure if she looked at me but I'm sure she probably did when I wasn't looking. Same with today. She still seems pretty cold and possibly angry. When I waved I think she gave a very small nod but didn't wave back and looked away right after. That leads me to believe she is still angry and cold. Approaching her about anything right now I think she would respond in anger and be cold still. This is why I wonder if she will ever start seeing me in a positive light again.

What is your thoughts about keeping my shopping at Walmart down to maybe once every week or two? And when I see her at least being friendly and acknowledging her with a "Hi" or "Bye." What is interesting about this is about a month or so ago when my ex-wife was leaving the store my ex BPD was at the doors counting people and said bye twice to my ex-wife and after my ex-wife ignored her both times she called out my ex-wife's name to get her attention and waved. The whole time we were together she was very distant l from my ex. She would never try to engage in conversation or say hi or bye to her. It actually made my ex-wife uncomfortable. This was very out of character for my ex BPD. This is one of the pings I seen. That and after I had to remove her vehicles in March she tried to friend my teenage son on Facebook in April.

[once removed]

The one thing that worries me is that her feelings will remain negative towards me. I told my therapist that I didn't want her to hate me forever.

would apologizing be about your feelings, or hers, or both?

[Mutt]

I also know that I react when I feel like I'm going to be abandoned. A lot of this stems from my childhood with my mother and other children. These are things that I am working on in therapy.

It sounds like you're going in the right direction - you know what to work on and you're working with a T and this is a chance for you to improve your r/s and future ones by working on self esteem. What others did to you in the past is not going to transpire through others in the present but I think that you know that.

You know how difficult it is to change patterns so if she has a pattern of flipping back and forth recently and she's probably not actively working on trying to change then what would make this different? I understand that she said to live your life and she could of been testing you at the time to see how you would react - is he still going to be there or is he going to leave? She did say to move on and I don't think that dating was a bad thing but to her she's probably feeling like how could he move on so quickly after everything that we've been through?

I think that splitting it up between two places is a good idea and there's nothing wrong with being cordial.

[Carguy]

Once Removed,

I hope both. I know it would make me feel better to apologize and I would feel even better if it would help to start mending our friendship. I would hope it would help with her feelings of hurt too. I would like if it helped to sooth her hurt she felt from all of this.

Mutt,

It really is difficult to change patterns. I know she reads a lot of books, goes to a retreat every year, and started an emotion code group that meets once a month. She also went back to college taking psychology. Since we split up and haven't talked I don't know what else she has done. All these things I see as her trying to figure out what is wrong and she is trying to work on herself all the time. The only problem I see is she's not getting the right help. With the patterns and behaviour up to this point, I don't see her changing. This is why I don't think we could be in a relationship. I think a friendship could be possible but even that would be tricky. I have seen that she struggles to even keep close friends. The same thing happens there. She has a lot of friends but she doesn't keep a close friend for long.

That makes sense on how she felt about me moving on quickly. A month later when I reflected back I believe I did move too fast. I know it triggered her abandonment more than I've ever seen. Between that and making her move her stuff off my property I have triggered her more than I have ever seen her.

[Carguy]

So this guy she was flaunting when I ran i to her at the car show, I'm thinking she may be seeing him now. With this in mind and from what I have read, if she is seeing him, he will be split white and I will still be split black. So likely any attempts I would make at repairing anything with her would be hopeless at this point? From what I have read and what people on here have told me, it will end up the same way with this guy but until then I don't have a chance. Any thoughts on this?

[Mutt]

In the context of a new r/s even if it were you or anyone in this discussion the new person at the beginning of the r/s will be split white because at the beginning every is new. A few weeks pass and it starts to wear off. In the context of split black my advice is don’t trigger shame in a pwBPD because it’s not going to help with splitting. I’m split white for quite some time and I’m not saying that my situation is a baseline for everyone but there are a lot of times that I could of engaged or created conflict with my uBPDexw where I could been split black or prolonged being split black by antagonizing the situation. Use emotional intelligence - that’s helpful in all r/s. Remain a small target, that’s my advice.

[Carguy]

Mutt,

You have a very good point. One of my thoughts today was one year ago she pushed me away and broke up with me. She then reconnected with another guy and wanted to see where things went with him. We didn't talk for 6 weeks and when we did start talking she was upset with the other guy because he wouldn't respond to her text messages right away, sometimes up to a day or two, and didn't seem to show much interest. Really it never got off the ground. Using the tools from here I empathized with her and told her I could understand her being upset. I consoled her and told her there could be several reasons he isn't responding or isn't showing interest. I was trying to just be a friend.

A month or two later when we started getting close she got upset at me for something and told me she believes I came back just to mess things up between him and her. Again I used the tools and empathized with her telling her I could understand how she would feel that way and how it could seem that way. I reassured her that I was trying to be very cautious of that because I didn't want to cause trouble between them and I was just trying to be an empathetic friend and be there for her. Using the tools seemed to work because I think she actually listened. She never brought it up again.

With that in mind and with reading some of the things on here, I think it's best if I take your advice and remain a small Target. Continue with my plan to do my small shopping at the other grocery store and keep my shopping at Walmart to a minimum. If I see her and she looks at me I will say Hey or see ya. Nothing more. Just simple acknowledgment and being cordial.

If she is starting to see him and it didn't work out, if I'm anywhere in the picture it would be very easy for her to blame me for it failing. Even if I did nothing to cause it. I don't want that.

[Mutt]

If she is starting to see him and it didn't work out, if I'm anywhere in the picture it would be very easy for her to blame me for it failing.

I like how you said you empathized with her and she could have done something similar in her break up with the other guy. Put herself in his shoes and see why things didn’t work out for a number of reasons and take the time to self reflect and work on yourself. She obviously felt hurt by it and redirected that to someone that’s close to her which is you and usually we’ll redirect our anger towards people that we know that can take it that are tempered. Your someone of significance to her.

I think that’s a wise choice don’t take sides because you don’t want to become the bad guy for nothing. Those negative feelings that she feels about you will eventually go away and will go away faster if you leave her alone. I know that it’s not an easy thing, it’s going to require patience, with a third person in the mix she can easily cast you as the bad guy and him as the good guy. Don’t take sides just stay in the middle.

[Carguy]

Mutt,

I like how you said I'm someone of significance to her. It helps me to believe I actually meant something. Talking to you and you pointing out how her anger towards me is positive on the sense that she still has feelings for me helps me realize that maybe I do still hold some significance with her. Right now it's a hard place to be with her anger towards me but these thoughts help.

So for now I will limit my shopping at Wal-Mart, only be cordial and not try to engage in any conversation with her, stay away and give her space, and IF she starts showing interest in me then I will slowly engage a little more. Maybe ask how she's been. Keep it light.

My thought on discussing the relationship is let her lead. If we get to the point of light conversation I should keep it light and let her lead into discussing things if she chooses. My one thought on this though is the one thing she kept saying is we can't pretend like nothing happened between us. If I didn't bring it up this might come up again. I'm not sure what is best for this situation should it arise.

I still honestly don't know if she will ever show interest again. I guess only time will tell.

[Mutt]

When the other side of her starts to show and he probably doesn’t know got to deal with it. A pwBPD will emotionally collapse if you become a trigger it’s going to be game over eventually and if Carguy is keeping a low profile, not triggering her and you have a long history with her, there’s always a chance she’d going to move on but you’re increasing your chances if you’ don’t  trigger shame in  her.

Think of it this way hurt people hurt people. It’s natural to react to anger with anger but a pwBPD cannot handle the negativity and anger turned back or reflected back on them because of their lack of sense of self. Shame is a huge trigger with a pwBPD.

I wouldn’t bring up anything about what happened in the past, work on your self.  clean the slate  and start at ground zero. Keep things light and positive obviously working through this is  going to take time and it’s easier said than done but create a goal think about what  you want, if you want to stay with her do the self work with the things that you have control over, the things that she didn’t like and there’s always other areas that you can improve.

[Carguy]

Ok so how can I tell if it's game over already? Honestly I have responded in anger in the past and having her remove her vehicles and asking about her kitties was out of anger because I was hurt. I remained calm but in my text told her she had two weeks to get them moved. This would seem a very angry move to her I'm sure.

To me it seems like this move on top of dating someone else back in November may have compounded the situation. The way it seems, it could possibly be game over now. Are there sign that you can see the suggest maybe it's not? You stated that with her emotions towards me it seems like things are not over for her or for me. She does ignore me and when I asked about talking three or four months ago she told me she was good. From your point of view would any of her actions that I have mentioned suggest one way or the other?

This is one thing that I have not been able to figure out for sure. With her coldness, anger, and ignoring me it seems like game over but then with some of her actions of pinging that are completely out of character for her and then seemingly going out of her way to walk by me at the car show with this other guy make me think that she is still feeling something for me. It's rather confusing and hard to judge from where I am at.

[Mutt]

In the context of bad feelings, both of you turned to other people because you reminded each other of negative feelings. It’s a tricky situation.

A couple of things will work for you - scarcity because if there’s something that’s in abundance you don’t want that thing but if there’s something that’s rare then you’re going to want to seek that thing out. You’re not chasing her or smothering her. You’re going to pique her curiosity by keeping a low profile and not frequenting Walmart too much and you’re not going to act needy - you already know this.

Up your value and what I mean that is to telegraph strength someone that is a rock and that’s a mountain for her and as you already know neediness is a turn off and you know not to do so that’s going increase your value as a potential partner because women will want to be with guys that telegraph these qualities if there’s several guys that are needy and you happen to be the one that she can lean on then she’ll probably go for you. It’s not to say that you can’t feel anything I’d suggest to work your feelings out by seeking out different channels for support which is your T and the support group here.

Recall what I said in the first paragraph and throughout our discussion you don’t want to evoke bad feelings - you both needed an escape because you’re both making each other recall bad feelings. Let’s say that you wanted to talk about things, how things are going and we’re  they’re headed, bu using your most recent r/s experiences together it’s going to mage you recall that it was an unpleasant experience, that’s why I’ve been saying that, it’s better to keep things light, be jokingly and keeps things positive. You want to make the experience fun that’s why I’m suggesting those things because then later you can segway back into a r/s if she wants to.  Just go with flow for now.

If you think about it from what you shared in this discussion you have pluses:

She has feelings for you.
You’re stopping the bleeding.
You’re talking to a T to process the painful feelings and to learn and grow from the experience.
You’re seeking guidance and support from a support group.
That telegraphs that you’re trying and that you care and by continuing to help yourself.
You’re not making things worse by chasing her you’re respecting the distance.
You’re learning new techniques and applying them and you’re trying to break the cycle.
You have a long history together.

I think that you have a lot going for you.

[Carguy]

Thanks Mutt!

I mentioned to my therapist last week that I can see I'm learning to catch myself. I use to jump at reaching out to her and trying to talk to her, text her that I love and care and miss her and so on. I would do needy things trying to get her back. Now when I get these ideas I come on here and ask. It helps a lot to get perspective from others who can see more than I may see.

My therapist thinks it's great that I have a support group too.

Other than keeping a low profile and not being needy, I'm not sure what else telegraphs strength to her. The only other things I can think is being confident when I do see her. Walk with my head up, if she looks at me say hi or hey but don't stare, and smile when I do say hi.

I know one mistake I made back in February when she did a 180 was I started texting her too much from what she told me. She said I was texting her everyday and she wasn't used to it. Looking back I was letting my anxiety make me to needy then too. If she does start showing interest I think I need to hold back a little. Not jump right at it and talk to her all the time. Maybe let her do a little chasing. And as you pointed out, when we do talk keep it light and fun.

Looking at those things I do have some things going for me. For now I will take your advice and just go with the flow. Keep a low profile and not be needy.

[Mutt]

Telegraphing strength is remaining centered. For example, my current is unemployed since covid was declared a pandemic and it’s been stressful for her. I’ve been mindful of that and there’s spots where she’s not centered because it causes her anxiety with the uncertainty of her future. She was anxious tonight and I validated her and she’s 34 and I told her that being unemployed isn’t going to be forever. I think that she’s bored and she’s anxious to earn money.

My point is is that she’s reflecting on the emotional aspect and she’s not stepping back and looking at the bigger picture. This is a break that she’s not going to ever see again and her mother passed away back in October so you could look at it as a long term bereavement because it hit her hard and effected her in all aspects of her life. I can’t imagine how distracted that she was and would of been she had continued work.

The strength is remaining centered when she’s looking for emotional support and being mindful of when to ask for your own support - time it around it when her spirits are up. I think that empathy plays into that constantly asking yourself if I was in the other persons shoes is this the right time to approach her?

 Especially if you’re being tested, after her mom died she said that I didn’t have to stick around and support her through it and she was testing me to see if I was going to leave her - she didn’t want that . Strength is remaining  centered when she’s going through a difficult time and she needs a rock.

Keep yourself busy with hobbies so that you’re spacing yourself out with her. For example I’ll have my workday and I’ll go to the gym and if I have the kids with me., I make supper, make sure that they did their homework, lay out their close for the next day and do my evening routine to wind down with mediation and reading etc. I’ll message her in the evenings mostly but I’m not smothering her, keep yourself busy with your own activities.

Save some of the things that you want to talk about for later so that you have something to talk about. I’ve been guilty with sending too many messages with this gf in the beginning because I felt anxious I didn’t want to lose her so I over compensated which can turn the other person off. You can mirror what the other person does with their frequency of closeness and distance in the r/s send the same frequency of.messages and for example if she’s not big on affection then be mindful of that as well - mirror your gf.

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Mutt,

Ok I understand. When we were together I tried to be that rock for her and do things like you described. I could probably work on improving myself in this area but I think I did fairly ok at the time. One of my struggles was the last couple of years I got to where I didn't ask for what I needed because of her past reactions I wasn't sure what to expect.

I am guilty of putting my hobbies on the back burner when we were together and not doing them. It's only been since a few months after we broke up that I really started working on my hobbies again. While we were apart a year ago I got back into working out and started competing in the Highland Games and I still do but all of my other Hobbies I quit until after we broke up. After we broke up I started getting back to working on my cars and dirt bikes and home improvements.

As far as texting, we were both guilty of it but then there were times that I think maybe I text her more than she did meet and she was merely responding. This is another area I need to work on now that you mention it. Towards the end she did tell me a few times that she was feeling smothered.

Your advice has been very helpful! I can see the things I need to work on for any future relationships really. Thank you!

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Well looks like she has slowly started deleting pictures of us out of her Facebook albums.

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Mutt,

So her deleting a picture of us together with a beautiful message to me in this picture has me feeling down tonight.

I know we talked about not talking to her about the past and about appologizing when she seemed more ready. Right now I'm having strong urges to stop by Wal-Mart tomorrow and (hoping to see her) apologize for my mistakes and the things I brought into the relationship. Trying to win her back or reverse what seems to be her letting completely go of me.

I know this just fear of abandonment talking but it really hurt. It feels like I'm losing her forever in my mind and I'm struggling. I'm catching myself from reacting and reaching out to her at the moment but I'm feeling unsure right now.