I wish I'd said I love you, but I had to resist and now all I do is analyze

[RichardLover55]

She could be testing to see if you’re actually going to stick around or if you’re going to find someone else.

I've never been able to tell her what I've been thinking these months, it's awful. I wish I'd said I miss you, I love you, but I had to resist and now all I do is analyze.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

She said that she doesn’t trust herself and she questioned why someone would want to be with her.

Wouldn’t that set up a r/s to fail? It’s counterproductive and telling her how you feel is likely not going to change this i grained thought pattern. It’s natural to think of the wrong turns but dont blame yourself for the entirety of the r/s.

Thoughts?

[RichardLover55]

She said that she doesn’t trust herself and she questioned why someone would want to be with her.

Wouldn’t that set up a r/s to fail? It’s counterproductive and telling her how you feel is likely not going to change this i grained thought pattern. It’s natural to think of the wrong turns but dont blame yourself for the entirety of the r/s.

Thoughts?

You're right and I have to start thinking like that, it all happened too fast. I wanted you to see how excited she was during the quarantine and how much she cried because we didn't see each other, it's crazy how everything changed in a second.

[Flightfar]

In my case, I thought something would happen in two months, but still nothing. I don't know what to expect.

[RichardLover55]

In my case, I thought something would happen in two months, but still nothing. I don't know what to expect.

I think it's over for her completely, but it's something I think. It doesn't necessarily happen, it could also be like Mutt says, it would be a dream for me. The only thing I wanted from our relationship was to be with her, I liked her as she was. Did you happen to come back to you without you looking for him ?

[Flightfar]

My ex always came back when I looked for him and then he splitted me white again. This time, for some reason, it didn’t help, and I’m afraid this time our relationship is over forever. On the other hand, I could imagine him coming back of his own free will, just as if nothing had happened, but because in the past these situations haven’t lasted that long and I haven’t witnessed him coming back without chasing him so it makes me desperate and unsure about everything.

I wake up every day and get anxious about this situation and the anxiety lasts until I go to sleep. Unfortunately, this situation is also reflected in my dreams. I don't know when I should give up hope.
Yes, I still try not to let my feelings blur everything. I hope that no contact would do good if he had such overflowing feelings.

[RichardLover55]

My ex always came back when I looked for him and then he splitted me white again. This time, for some reason, it didn’t help, and I’m afraid this time our relationship is over forever. On the other hand, I could imagine him coming back of his own free will, just as if nothing had happened, but because in the past these situations haven’t lasted that long and I haven’t witnessed him coming back without chasing him so it makes me desperate and unsure about everything.

I wake up every day and get anxious about this situation and the anxiety lasts until I go to sleep. Unfortunately, this situation is also reflected in my dreams. I don't know when I should give up hope.
Yes, I still try not to let my feelings blur everything. I hope that no contact would do good if he had such overflowing feelings.

We're in the same situation, I go to bed and I think about her, I wake up and immediately start thinking about her again. I'm still not looking for her in the hope that she will, but my hopes are less and less. I'm afraid now to look for her, she might misreheably reject me accusing me of not having done it before and therefore that I don't really care. It's a contradiction since she left me and pushed me back for the second time in a few days. I wish she would come back as if nothing had happened, but it seems difficult at the moment.

[RichardLover55]

The worst thing is that you never know what's best to do, it's impossible to know what goes through people like this.

[Flightfar]

I guess that they themselves don’t really know what they want or need. Whether you did this or that, or whether you did nothing at all, that is not enough either. So frustrating!

I was almost completely sure that I would hear something about him during the two months, but I have not heard anything yet, and I'm just more desperate as time goes on. I'm afraid he's moved on.
Although it may only be my own thoughts, but of course in this situation you think of all the possibilities. It would be fun not to think about the situation for even a moment, and would know if it is worth giving up hope already! BPD people are just so unpredictable... At some point, they might just come back into your life. When you least expect it.

The worst is the uncertainty of everything, and when I have never witnessed my boyfriend come back without chasing him...

[RichardLover55]

I guess that they themselves don’t really know what they want or need. Whether you did this or that, or whether you did nothing at all, that is not enough either. So frustrating!

I was almost completely sure that I would hear something about him during the two months, but I have not heard anything yet, and I'm just more desperate as time goes on. I'm afraid he's moved on.
Although it may only be my own thoughts, but of course in this situation you think of all the possibilities. It would be fun not to think about the situation for even a moment, and would know if it is worth giving up hope already! BPD people are just so unpredictable... At some point, they might just come back into your life. When you least expect it.

The worst is the uncertainty of everything, and when I have never witnessed my boyfriend come back without chasing him...

My ex does her business extensively, I can't know if she thinks about me or not but for sure for the moment she doesn't want to know about me.

[Flightfar]

I persistently try to ignore him and be as if I had continued my life and see if he reappears again in the autumn.

This is just so f*cking hard for me! And of course to you, too. But clearly they don’t want to deal with us now. At least externally. Probably their feelings and thoughts are just so confused now, not knowing what they really want.

[Flightfar]

Sometimes I also feel like my ex didn’t really love me. I linked to him a few weeks ago songs that remind of our relationship and shared our memories, but they didn’t help either, even though they have helped in the past. He just completely ignored me. I feel humiliated.

[RichardLover55]

Sometimes I also feel like my ex didn’t really love me. I linked to him a few weeks ago songs that remind of our relationship and shared our memories, but they didn’t help either, even though they have helped in the past. He just completely ignored me. I feel humiliated.

My ex used to dedicated songs to me, it's crazy how these kind of people all act with a similar pattern. I'm very angry, I'm full of sadness and anger. I think about it, too, I'm no longer convinced that my ex was really in love, maybe it was at times. She said she couldn't be without me and now she's there, so what should I think ?

[Flightfar]

It feels really unlikely that my ex will come back the more time it takes. But on the other hand, it could be very possible when those negative feelings go away... Same to you.
My ex also told me to look for a new one, and said he was not good enough to me etc. It’s really crazy how they behave with a similar pattern! And they themselves may not even realize it... You just have to remember that you love someone who is sick... :/
But it is very understandable that you are angry, so am I. I'm mad for that disorder.

[RichardLover55]

It feels really unlikely that my ex will come back the more time it takes. But on the other hand, it could be very possible when those negative feelings go away... Same to you.
My ex also told me to look for a new one, and said he was not good enough to me etc. It’s really crazy how they behave with a similar pattern! And they themselves may not even realize it... You just have to remember that you love someone who is sick... :/
But it is very understandable that you are angry, so am I. I'm mad for that disorder.

She told me the exact same words ! I'm not the right girl, you'll be happy with another one, I see you more as a friend, passion is not enough etc. The night before she "loved me so much", she called me on the phone and we talked for 20 minutes. I need to vent my feelings otherwise I implode.

[Flightfar]

We had such a wonderful and fun day with my ex the day before the breakup. In the evening he wished me good night and said he loved me very much. The next day, he said he didn’t love me anymore and wanted to get rid of me by all means, saying things that were as offensive as possible.
I do not know, I've been thinking about that a contributing factor may be that the previous day I had been at a party and he could become jealous of this.
I miss him so much, this all feels very pointless. I wish I could just tell him I love him.

I just want to give you peer support, the feeling that you are not alone.

[RichardLover55]

We had such a wonderful and fun day with my ex the day before the breakup. In the evening he wished me good night and said he loved me very much. The next day, he said he didn’t love me anymore and wanted to get rid of me by all means, saying things that were as offensive as possible.
I do not know, I've been thinking about that a contributing factor may be that the previous day I had been at a party and he could become jealous of this.
I miss him so much, this all feels very pointless. I wish I could just tell him I love him.

I just want to give you peer support, the feeling that you are not alone.

Thank you for the support, these are really difficult days, I can't get out of my head all the good things done with her in these eight months. It hurts me so much to be ignored, but the worst thing is not being able to do anything to reverse the process. I try to go out with friends, to get distracted and partly I succeed, but she always has it in my head. I was already in trouble because of family problems, now everything is amplified. She made me feel as special as no other person had made me feel before, I thought she was finally the right person for me.

[Flightfar]

I don’t know if you’ve already gotten over the shock phase, but I am, and it’s been replaced by a feeling of emptiness. My heart breaks too much...

I'm glad you've seen your friends, it's the small steps, they say. : ) Although I know the feeling, today I was spending time with my friend, and my ex spins in my mind all the time and it's very difficult to focus on other things. Nowadays, I also get panic attacks when I'm with people. I don't know what it is but it is very scary. My friends, who have not experienced the same, just tell me to get over everything. I wish it was that easy!

[RichardLover55]

I don’t know if you’ve already gotten over the shock phase, but I am, and it’s been replaced by a feeling of emptiness. My heart breaks too much...

I'm glad you've seen your friends, it's the small steps, they say. : ) Although I know the feeling, today I was spending time with my friend, and my ex spins in my mind all the time and it's very difficult to focus on other things. Nowadays, I also get panic attacks when I'm with people. I don't know what it is but it is very scary. My friends, who have not experienced the same, just tell me to get over everything. I wish it was that easy!

I'm in the same phase as you, feeling empty and in pain. The shock passed but the anguish and anxiety mixed with anger took over. My friends understand me up to a point why they haven't been there. it's like a bereavement to be processed even if the person who abandoned you is still alive, it's just "dead" the person you thought you knew, but you still see it. I hope that "it will come back to life" the person I loved and who is gone, I hope again, I have not lost all hope.

[Flightfar]

I feel like the whole last year has been just a dream. The person you were dating for many months, the person you loved, is suddenly gone and you are no longer part of his life. My brain is processing all of this all the f*cking time. When I'm out with a friend, everything reminds of my ex. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks the same and something reminds him of me.

[RichardLover55]

I feel like the whole last year has been just a dream. The person you were dating for many months, the person you loved, is suddenly gone and you are no longer part of his life. My brain is processing all of this all the f*cking time. When I'm out with a friend, everything reminds of my ex. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks the same and something reminds him of me.

I wonder if she has another and left me for him and keeps me hidden, may be the reason why she left me this way. At first it all seemed so good as to seem like a dream, in fact I was suspicious, then once I lowered the guard I was fooled.

[Flightfar]

Do you know if something happened that would have made her jealous or something?

[RichardLover55]

Do you know if something happened that would have made her jealous or something?

Nothing special, she had become paranoid about everything in the last period. She was trying to create discussions when they weren't there, the day before she left me discussing with her because I didn't want to buy her cigarettes (then I bought them), but I don't think that's why or yes ? Always the morning of the day before I rushed to church, she always goes there, to please her because if I didn't go she would make a mess for nothing. She said, "But if you don't come, you're undecided, you told me you wanted to rediscover faith," and I went but only for her.

[Flightfar]

The problem is that they are bad at communicating and talking if they are bothered by something. That thing may be quite irrelevant to you, but not to them.

My boyfriend was also very paranoid at the end. At the moment of the breakup, he told me to "go have sex with those men," and I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about! I'm still very hurt from that! He probably came up with all sorts of scenarios in his head related to his old traumas and then believed them and projected them into me.
My boyfriend sometimes wanted to play video games with me, and when I sometimes said I couldn’t play, he got mad at me and said I didn’t care about him anymore. Like wtf?

The fear of abandonment twists their minds and they search for any signs of potential abandonment, even if they aren't really there. But I don’t know how talking would help anything? If their brains are in a state of believing in those scenarios?

[RichardLover55]

The problem is that they are bad at communicating and talking if they are bothered by something. That thing may be quite irrelevant to you, but not to them.

My boyfriend was also very paranoid at the end. At the moment of the breakup, he told me to "go have sex with those men," and I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about! I'm still very hurt from that! He probably came up with all sorts of scenarios in his head related to his old traumas and then believed them and projected them into me.
My boyfriend sometimes wanted to play video games with me, and when I sometimes said I couldn’t play, he got mad at me and said I didn’t care about him anymore. Like wtf?

The fear of abandonment twists their minds and they search for any signs of potential abandonment, even if they aren't really there. But I don’t know how talking would help anything? If their brains are in a state of believing in those scenarios?

Your ex had the same mechanics as mine. The point is : how do we reverse this ? I think there is very little to do, do you think that looking for them is a possible solution ? I'm afraid to get the opposite effect though.

[Flightfar]

My ex became more paranoid this time when I looked for him. I swore my love for him, reminded him of our nice moments and memories, asked him how he was doing, etc. But he saw me more and more just as some threat! He even threatened to call the police! It's crazy... Whatever you do, you are a threat to him.

It would be fun to know what to do to reverse this. Now I haven’t sent a message to him in a month. He can be angry about that too.

[Flightfar]

How much do you know about her former relationships?

[RichardLover55]

My ex became more paranoid this time when I looked for him. I swore my love for him, reminded him of our nice moments and memories, asked him how he was doing, etc. But he saw me more and more just as some threat! He even threatened to call the police! It's crazy... Whatever you do, you are a threat to him.

It would be fun to know what to do to reverse this. Now I haven’t sent a message to him in a month. He can be angry about that too.

I also think my ex is mad at me, because I have a feeling that she wanted to be sought despite she breaking up the relationship, her narcissistic side.

[Harri]

This thread has reached the max post limit and has been locked and split.  The discussion continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345943.msg13120311#msg13120311

Thank you.