Hi JoeJoe,
Next to this she said today that I do not take the initiative to spend time with her whiles we do things that I planned the last few times that even other couples would be happy to do with their spouse.
I want to welcome you to BPDFamily. I'm glad that you have decided to join us. You'll find a lot of similar stories as your own if you browse the different discussions. Is she diagnosed with BPD?
Sometime that comes to mind as I'm reading your post is validation - a pwBPD ( person with BPD ) need a lot of validation and validation will help you in relationships or conversations because everybody wants to be heard. I recall a T ( therapist ) had thought me active listening but validation is more than that because you're interpreting what the person is saying between the lines and creating a connection hits home for the other person.
That being said, there's no magic pill and there could be other nuances that you'll you'll soon share with us - for example some people call BPD an emotional dysregulation disorder - I'll quote Dr Edward Hallowell "BPD is like having a Ferrari with bicycle brakes" The point is that she could be emotionally flooded at the time and validation or any of the other tools will have little to no affect so it's better to give a pwBPD ( and yourself ) space or changing the tempo by doing something different like going out to the garage and start cleaning it.
R. Skip Johnson
When it comes to emotional intelligence, one of the most advanced skills is learning how to become more validating and less invalidating.
Often, if we are experiencing a communication breakdown, or if there is a wall between us and someone else, it most likely has been built with the bricks of invalidation.
This is a powerful tool and life skill. Mastering it will greatly elevate your emotional intelligence and your "people skills".
Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating
