First Post Introduction + general thoughts/questions

[Depression = 72% of members]

Greetings,

I am very happy to have found this site. It has at least STARTED the process of helping me navigate Borderline personality disorder.

I am married with multiple children (the paranoia of my wife discovering these threads prevents me from using too many details). I presume my wife has at least MANY traits of borderline personality disorder. I hate to sound like I am placing a label or placing the "blame", but I am starting to be at peace with it.

I had never even heard of BPD until I had been dating my wife for about 3 years (we've been together 15+ years, married for 7+ years). I finally got desperate enough for help one night that I called my employer EAP assistance line to talk, and within 5 minutes, the person on the other end of the line confidently stated "it sounds like your significant other has BPD."  I was skeptical, but STUNNED when I read more about it (but honestly too scared to look into it much, as my wife has a talent for "sniffing out" my research etc.). I purchased books on 3 different occasions, and each time she was enraged when she discovered I was looking up information and "labeling her" as the one with a mental illness, so the books went into the trash, mostly unread. Yes, I realize the internet exists (ha!) but EVERYTHING that was "Googled" was so useless. It just stated some variation of "taking care of yourself" and "setting boundaries" and "getting help", with NO IDEA what that meant.

I stumbled  upon the "Land of Oz" website when I started reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (before that book went into the trash when my wife discovered it). I only recently stumbled on to this site, and it has at least saved my marriage for a weekend.

The most amazing things I have learned so far and hope to expand on:
1.) J-A-D-E: DON'T justify, argue, defend (and I forget what the "E" stands for...the first were enough to navigate through the weekend).
- I have spent 15+ years of almost every day doing ALL of those things (well, in between the times when I was being told what an amazing man I am etc.). In a span of 4 days, my wife went from sending me a long e-mail telling me how lucky our family was to having me and I am amazing --> all the way to "I am separating from you, you make me feel like garbage, don't love me, and I am going to find another man."
- this site made me realize there is NO POINT arguing with it.

2.) There is obviously "SOMETHING" within me that needs to be worked on, which is why the BPD "attacks" hurt so much.
- if I tackle my own deficiencies and areas of sensitivity, it will make it easier to navigate BPD.

3.) You control your OWN MIND and what makes you SAD. I NEED to be the one in control of the EMOTIONAL ENVIRONMENT of our house, or EVERYONE will lose (especially the kids).

I suppose the questions I am grappling with the most are:

1.) How can you be ever 100% sure you are SELF-AWARE enough to NOT be the one that has BPD? I know that sounds silly and should be obvious - but there are RARE days when I am speaking to my wife and she says things SO CONFIDENTLY that there is a tiny bit of me wondering if I am the one who could be wrong...and maybe the one "with the problem." (I can't really articulate this thought very well...I actually took a BPD quiz "for fun", and scored "unlikely", but also thought that if you know enough about the disorder, you can easily LIE to YOURSELF and change the answers...and feel better scoring low...ha!).

2.) Setting "boundaries": I have NO IDEA what this means still (I'll work on it through reading).

3.) My wife had access to ALL of my e-mails, computer, cellphone, internet browsing, online purchases etc. for 3+ years UNKNOWN to me. She had figured out my passwords through a master password app I was dumb enough to install on my computer.
- she didn't tell me she had been "stalking" me during that time; she just happily read every word etc. for hours daily.
- the issue is NOT that I am trying to hide anything from her (well, I sort of am now - such as this site). The issue is ZERO respect for my privacy.
- well, she is furious intermittently that she no longer has access to those things. I find it WEIRD (but now understand) why she is insistent on getting access, but it is bizarre to me that after 3+ years of finding no affairs, no lies, nothing amiss etc., it is still not good enough for her.
- ANY communication with another female (as in WORK-related material) was met with "you are flirting" (she did have some KNOWN access to my e-mails etc., but I didn't know was 100%) which is the ONLY reason I try to hide anything now.

Do I really just give her access to my e-mails? I have nothing to TRULY hide, but if I received ANYTHING from another female it would set off 1+ week of war.

This is turning into an unnecessary novel. I suppose I don't really have a major point to this rant, aside from being glad to have a source of information and potentially indirect sort of "release" of emotion.

My ultimate REALIZATION is: I want and need to preserve my family. My choices are:
- i. Fix my reactions and how I deal with things (and also realize how I contribute to the emotional firestorm I live with).
- ii. Keep doing what I have always done (Justify, Argue, Defend...and whatever that "E" stands for...ha!), and add fuel to the inferno.

Thank you to all of you who contribute such valuable insight and for those of you who share your stories (ESPECIALLY the SUCCESS stories...those were the first time I had REAL hope BPD is treatable or at least manageable).

Take care.

[Shalihotra]

Greetings,

I am very happy to have found this site. It has at least STARTED the process of helping me navigate Borderline personality disorder.

I am married with multiple children (the paranoia of my wife discovering these threads prevents me from using too many details). I presume my wife has at least MANY traits of borderline personality disorder. I hate to sound like I am placing a label or placing the "blame", but I am starting to be at peace with it.

I had never even heard of BPD until I had been dating my wife for about 3 years (we've been together 15+ years, married for 7+ years). I finally got desperate enough for help one night that I called my employer EAP assistance line to talk, and within 5 minutes, the person on the other end of the line confidently stated "it sounds like your significant other has BPD."  I was skeptical, but STUNNED when I read more about it (but honestly too scared to look into it much, as my wife has a talent for "sniffing out" my research etc.). I purchased books on 3 different occasions, and each time she was enraged when she discovered I was looking up information and "labeling her" as the one with a mental illness, so the books went into the trash, mostly unread. Yes, I realize the internet exists (ha!) but EVERYTHING that was "Googled" was so useless. It just stated some variation of "taking care of yourself" and "setting boundaries" and "getting help", with NO IDEA what that meant.

I stumbled  upon the "Land of Oz" website when I started reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" (before that book went into the trash when my wife discovered it). I only recently stumbled on to this site, and it has at least saved my marriage for a weekend.

The most amazing things I have learned so far and hope to expand on:
1.) J-A-D-E: DON'T justify, argue, defend (and I forget what the "E" stands for...the first were enough to navigate through the weekend).
- I have spent 15+ years of almost every day doing ALL of those things (well, in between the times when I was being told what an amazing man I am etc.). In a span of 4 days, my wife went from sending me a long e-mail telling me how lucky our family was to having me and I am amazing --> all the way to "I am separating from you, you make me feel like garbage, don't love me, and I am going to find another man."
- this site made me realize there is NO POINT arguing with it.

2.) There is obviously "SOMETHING" within me that needs to be worked on, which is why the BPD "attacks" hurt so much.
- if I tackle my own deficiencies and areas of sensitivity, it will make it easier to navigate BPD.

3.) You control your OWN MIND and what makes you SAD. I NEED to be the one in control of the EMOTIONAL ENVIRONMENT of our house, or EVERYONE will lose (especially the kids).

I suppose the questions I am grappling with the most are:

1.) How can you be ever 100% sure you are SELF-AWARE enough to NOT be the one that has BPD? I know that sounds silly and should be obvious - but there are RARE days when I am speaking to my wife and she says things SO CONFIDENTLY that there is a tiny bit of me wondering if I am the one who could be wrong...and maybe the one "with the problem." (I can't really articulate this thought very well...I actually took a BPD quiz "for fun", and scored "unlikely", but also thought that if you know enough about the disorder, you can easily LIE to YOURSELF and change the answers...and feel better scoring low...ha!).

2.) Setting "boundaries": I have NO IDEA what this means still (I'll work on it through reading).

3.) My wife had access to ALL of my e-mails, computer, cellphone, internet browsing, online purchases etc. for 3+ years UNKNOWN to me. She had figured out my passwords through a master password app I was dumb enough to install on my computer.
- she didn't tell me she had been "stalking" me during that time; she just happily read every word etc. for hours daily.
- the issue is NOT that I am trying to hide anything from her (well, I sort of am now - such as this site). The issue is ZERO respect for my privacy.
- well, she is furious intermittently that she no longer has access to those things. I find it WEIRD (but now understand) why she is insistent on getting access, but it is bizarre to me that after 3+ years of finding no affairs, no lies, nothing amiss etc., it is still not good enough for her.
- ANY communication with another female (as in WORK-related material) was met with "you are flirting" (she did have some KNOWN access to my e-mails etc., but I didn't know was 100%) which is the ONLY reason I try to hide anything now.

Do I really just give her access to my e-mails? I have nothing to TRULY hide, but if I received ANYTHING from another female it would set off 1+ week of war.

This is turning into an unnecessary novel. I suppose I don't really have a major point to this rant, aside from being glad to have a source of information and potentially indirect sort of "release" of emotion.

My ultimate REALIZATION is: I want and need to preserve my family. My choices are:
- i. Fix my reactions and how I deal with things (and also realize how I contribute to the emotional firestorm I live with).
- ii. Keep doing what I have always done (Justify, Argue, Defend...and whatever that "E" stands for...ha!), and add fuel to the inferno.

Thank you to all of you who contribute such valuable insight and for those of you who share your stories (ESPECIALLY the SUCCESS stories...those were the first time I had REAL hope BPD is treatable or at least manageable).

Take care.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[start_again]

Hi Shalihotra,

I feel your pain I live a similar life, matter of fact just about everything you wrote I can identify with.   I am an overly sensitive guy and the attacks hurt deeply.    Continue posting and reading on this site.  I have begun to learn to laugh at the absurdity of the accusations.  
Acceptance is the key to all my problems.  I have to accept that the relationship is what it is - I can’t change my wife.  
Have friends, have a hobby do things for you.  Go to a support group find avenues to release…
Example  of setting boundary for me – the behavior you are displaying right now is unacceptable; I chose not to engage in it.  I am going out with my friends from the book club, stamp club or whatever…
Oh I get that with the work related communication with a female.  I have heard it all.  I know I am doing the right thing and won’t engage in the accusations.   My wife has access to all my internet activity, emails she can look at my cell phone if she wants and she does – to me I don’t care I have nothing to hide except for this site.
I am trying not to fight a war anymore.  I have come to realize that I can no longer be part of the problem I have to be part of the solution.  I cannot afford to reply to the attacks; I am beginning to work on empathy and understanding.
My wife hasn’t spoken to me for a few days, I have no idea why.  Emotional abuse – silent treatment if you will.  We had plans to go camping and our last conversation she told me she does not want to go camping.  OK, I emailed her and let her know I was still going and that she is still invited and I would like her to join.  I like camping it is fun and a good release for me, I leave Monday for a week away.  For me this is a boundary.  Just because my wife can’t get it together doesn’t mean I have to be pulled into the sewer with her – I am going camping with or without her.  

[JaneWrites]

Hi Shalihotra, Love your "handle!" Welcome to the site. I'm pretty new here too. You're in the right place!

I locked down all of my online accounts a few years ago - email, social, laptop. My uBPDh accused me of an affair and started misconstruing every minute interaction on Facebook as some kind of deep connection to someone. All nonsense. While I have nothing to hide except this site as well and my BPD research, the misinterpretation of so much led me to the lockdown. I didn't want to have a tense accusatory conversation about every text, facebook like, email, etc.

So a little on technology. Erase your history on your browser related to this site. Google how to open a private browser. Then erase that search history. You can also private browse on your phone. On mine, when you want to open another window, I get the "private" option on the bottom. Just remember to close all the windows. And don't save your password anywhere!

I'm also struggling on boundaries. Any self-respecting boundaries I should have set would have been blown away years ago. Ah well.

Anyway, welcome!