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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Mentally beaten, broken and abused. 5 months of hell  (Read 996 times)
legalboxers
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« on: August 17, 2020, 05:04:27 AM »

I met this person 5 months ago, during this period I’d meet her once or twice a week because of Covid, I’m a care giver to my mother and financial problems, during each meeting I’d do her errands since her mom died (I was there for when her mom died) her house smelled of cat litter and had no power in some parts so I paid for the hotel. She started yelling at me over one text message from someone I don’t talk to. I can explain in greater detail - she would say she loves me. 10 min later change her tune, shout at me then 4 hours later says she loved me then one day beat me with a charging wire. (1/2 my story)
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Rev
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« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2020, 05:14:09 AM »

I met this person 5 months ago, during this period I’d meet her once or twice a week because of Covid, I’m a care giver to my mother and financial problems, during each meeting I’d do her errands since her mom died (I was there for when her mom died) her house smelled of cat litter and had no power in some parts so I paid for the hotel. She started yelling at me over one text message from someone I don’t talk to. I can explain in greater detail - she would say she loves me. 10 min later change her tune, shout at me then 4 hours later says she loved me then one day beat me with a charging wire. (1/2 my story)

Hi Legal,

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story.   

Looking forward to hearing the rest of your story.  You've not asked a question here, so I'll say that I've read this and I'm sorry that you've experienced this. No one deserves to be hit.

Rev
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legalboxers
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« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2020, 11:06:27 AM »

I met her on a dating site. We started talking in end of January. Around the 1st week or 2nd week of February we talked more. I had a memorial service I had to go to before Valentines Day and she said she she wanted to be friends. On February 13 she said she wanted to be a couple.

During this time her hot water heater was giving her problems. She also was taking care of her mom as do I. She was violent and acting violent. Shouting, screaming, crying. So the following two weeks after her heater was fixed, she was slowly getting calm. But I did not think it would be ok.

We would stay on the phone for hours at night. One night she called me hysterical about her mother, and I woke up early morning the next day to see her (continued) (Part 1)
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legalboxers
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« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2020, 11:09:40 AM »

(PART 2) so I run over the bridge (shes 10 mins from me) to be with her. Her mom died about an hour or so later. I took her food shopping and other places. I paid for her groceries and I gave her an extra $500 to help with the costs of the expenses. 2 days later she was suppose to be buried or cremated. She did not have the money so she cremated her. Also on this date, was the day I was suppose to get married 16 something years ago. She also failed to mention to me she still was married, and was "separated" (cont)
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legalboxers
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« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2020, 11:23:23 AM »

(Part 3) so shes calling me since Im home. My mom is 85, she did not want me to go out due to covid. So I could not go be with her.  She heard me texting someone, and I told her it was someone who was in my life who I told to go away. A few days later, it was her birthday. I could not go because of the rain (and it cleared up but there was damage around) and she yelled I wasnt there for birthday. Crying how I was at fault.I explained to her why I could not and why I was not able to. She wasnt happy with that explanation.

The next day I did go see her and try to make it right. Here in lies the problem with her house. The house was built during when George Washington was on the planet. The house was moved and her grandfather worked on the house at the present location. House has fuses not the new type. There was no power in a section of the house. There were many things wrong with it. Looked like a hoarder house. Things in plastic bags, etc. The kitchen was taking over by her 4 cats. And smelled of cat litter and other things.

So after the aforementioned incidents, I had another friend call me who was in trouble. At this time, I was fighting with my bank. I told this person dont call Im busy. She called anyway. My friend was in a bad place. This is when she was on the verge of leaving me. A few weeks after she looses power in the house. Mind you its about 11:00pm at night Im helping my mom who isnt feeling well. So I rush to help her. Shes sitting on  patio chair with her cats. I told her get dressed and Im taking her to a hotel to feel safe (thats another thing I will mention in other paragraphs about this)

She starts crying "why did they text me and reply". Also during this, she would cry for her grandmother and mother. I would be on the phone with her all night so she feels safe.
Example: I would get on the phone with her from 10pm so she dont have nightmares. She would wake up at 7, I told her I would call after breakfast (10:00am) talk until 12:00 (her lunch) then go eat lunch at 3, I would have dinner at 6, and call her back at 9. She thought I was doing  something else in the interim.

The last incident which was my friend who called me who has breast cancer, I sent my friend hugs and kisses. Shes like "why you sending them hugs and holding them close. I told her she mentioned she has cancer and knew me for 20 years.

So with all this time, I paid for the hotel she was with me. (Every Monday-Tuesday) We would watch 90 day fiancee together. From 11:00am to 9:00p I would go to her house to feed her cats, mind you there was no parking sometimes so that was fun. I know her cats loved me.

I took her to walmart, target, always and food shopping. One time her fuses blew so I had to pay for the electrician ($200) and a lawn guy ($200) so the code enforcement dont get her.
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legalboxers
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« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2020, 11:29:07 AM »

I havent been ok since. I know she beat me up (she accused me of treating her bad to an ex after I sent her a long text. and I will post what I wrote here) saying I mistreated her and threw my degree in her face when I didnt)

Its a new normal. waking up and your not here. No phone calls (like you called, Im the one who always did) no cats saying hello to me as I came into your house. No trips to the 7/11 for the coffee, or the trips to the dollar store for the snacks. No trips to the supermarket for the sandwiches, no trips to the pizzeria to get food for our Monday Night "happy place meetings". Watching 90 Day Fiancee together, and falling asleep in each others arms.

o trips to the supermarket the following morning for cat litter, cat food, and other groceries you wanted or needed. No calls as soon as I got home to tell you I got home safe. No calls as Im running errands in the store. No more staying awake on the phone with you at all times of the night, being there when you had nightmares about your mom.. listening to you breathe on the phone. No more calling you back after I had my breakfast, hearing you wake up, listening to Poncho cry for his morning breakfast. No more running to Target or Walmart as well.

There will be alot of no mores. No more hearing how much you say you love me. No more dreams of what could of been or should of been.

You said you wanted no memories of me. All well and good, but what about all the times I took you to get the cat food and litter for the furbabies, or the time you needed someone there when you had your root canal. or in the middle of the night when your power went out in you room who bought the fuses and paid the electrician, or the guy to fix the front and back lawn. Or even sometimes who paid for the cat food, and food for our monday nights.

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legalboxers
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« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2020, 11:29:40 AM »

It is a new normal, which I never will get use to. But sadly I will have to get use to. I will never forget that day how you said you just wanted to be friends. And then change your mind. Get mad at me when your hot water heater was giving you problems, or that morning when I woke up in a daze when you told me about your mom. These are the memories I have of you. And no matter how hard I try to forget them, I cant. To me, I carry memories of certain things and people. they are buried under lock and key. But sometimes, a building, a smell, a thought, an image, will bring it back, which is normal. But this relationship not normal.

This was a Covid-time. When you dont know when tomorrow will be your last day on the planet. You fight for everything you got, you hold it close to dear life. Fighting tooth and nail so no one can take it from you, no matter what.  You get beaten, kicked, punched just to make sure that this relationship lasts in this time, a time when you dont know. A lot of unknowns...

But what is known.. you are gone. You said you are happy. I do hope you are.. God Bless. And hug the fur babies for me...
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« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2020, 12:16:29 PM »

Hi Legal,

Thanks for this... what a heartfelt testimony?

I'll take the time to re-read it so it sinks in...

Sure - I'll the furry ones! Smiling (click to insert in post)

Rev
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legalboxers
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« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2020, 12:38:17 PM »

the furryones was to her.. her 4 cats
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legalboxers
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« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2020, 01:34:25 PM »

So the day after (a Friday) I said do what you want, she posted a pic of some other guy the next day. Not even, 12 hours, I dont even know if she was cheating on me, She accused me of giving her a UTI
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Rev
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« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2020, 03:08:13 PM »

So the day after (a Friday) I said do what you want, she posted a pic of some other guy the next day. Not even, 12 hours, I dont even know if she was cheating on me, She accused me of giving her a UTI

Hi Legal,

So wow... I'm really sorry that she's got herself so wormed into your thought process.  

So I am curious. As you read your words back to yourself, are you getting any sense of stability from this or are you still processing things out.

I ask, because I just want to be a voice of friendship until the room stops spinning for you. I think it's pretty obvious that for some reason, she's done a number on you. But, at least in my case (and my story is pretty much in the realm of "you can't make sh_t up) I needed to get emotionally stable before even thinking about what a new life might look like.

Hang in there bud.

Rev
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« Reply #11 on: August 20, 2020, 05:29:09 PM »

Rev: It still hurts. Hurts bad. To me, I said to myself with this Covid crap, I lost 5 bosses (Im a former volly police officer of 15 yrs) and I knew 4 people who were sick with Covid. I thought I dont want to die alone. And this person made me happy.  With all the fights I thought she would stay. Every fight at night she would cry.."I want my mommy" "I want my grandma"... She would be like his for 4-5 hours (11p-4a), then normal then reverts back to this at night again the following day. I did not know what to expect with her and when to expect. Everyday she would do this. This past Monday was the worst for me.
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legalboxers
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« Reply #12 on: August 20, 2020, 05:30:58 PM »

I want to stop crying. I dont want to wake up in a cold sweat every 4 hours thinking and hoping and praying she is next to me, but on the other side of the coin, I dont know. I cant come to grips with this. They were happy times, they were bad times. All meshed together, I cant separate it.
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legalboxers
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« Reply #13 on: August 20, 2020, 07:28:38 PM »

So this is what I had planned. I had planned on her coming over for Thanksgiving or me cooking for her and her friends. Since her mom died to do something nice for her.
And the same for Christmas. Something nice. And just spending New Years Eve alone with her. I know she had something planned for my birthday (Early December) Since I take care of my mom she dont do much, so I buy my own gifts for my birthday and Christmas which she wraps, get my own cake. I was hoping this year it would be different with her. I am so sick of it. She was my last shred of happiness.
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Rev
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« Reply #14 on: August 21, 2020, 09:26:25 AM »

Hi boxers,

So I'm a big believer in expressed needs as a sign of looking for some stable ground before looking root causes of how and why we find ourselves where we do.

Does this resonate with you?

Have you begun to ask (regardless if the answers are elusive) what it might take to stop crying. What you describe here is a lot grief laden vicarious trauma.  It's like a ball of wool all tangled. You pull one thread and another tightens.

Does this resonate with you?

I sense that you more empathic that the average bear.  How many years were you in law enforcement?  What was your career like for you?

And if there is one thing that I could hold in prayer (I'm not sure if you are a person of faith) for your, anything at all, what would it be?

Rev
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legalboxers
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« Reply #15 on: August 21, 2020, 09:58:39 AM »

She always would fight with me. So stable ground. Im not so sure on. For example. Id spend all day Monday and part Tuesday with her, and as Im driving home Id have her on the phone with me. So I keep wondering, is she going to dump me today? There never was any stability.

I was a volly police officer for 15 yrs. That in itself was hard because I trusted the outside people, than my own. I had 2 people who I worked with, didnt like the fact  I came from a different background. And would mock me, harass me, just to force me to quit, until one day (will be 2 years on Monday) I decided I had enough of the racism and abuse. I endured harassment. Every volunteer organization I worked with I had this. Mind you with all this I took care of my mother.

Sadly. If you could hold in prayer. I wish I could help her. Be by her side. I want to help her. Even with all she put me through, there was a sliver of happiness. Think of it like this:

Your entire life you been living in a dark, cold, box. You do your motions in life, and you go back to that box. No matter what time of year, no matter what season. You go back to that box. Until one day, someone comes and punctures a small hole, shining a light. The light slowly blinds you but you see fingers, and hands. Trying to pull you out. You know they are broken too, and you have something in common. That bond is what brought you together.  Now they were bumps, fights which made it wrought, twisted tangled, and frayed. But there was a small thread holding it together. But she used scissors and cut the last piece of thread holding it. Sending you free-falling into back into your darkness.

The box has been covered again, but this time, its more darkness, and has gotten colder.

I am a person of Faith. I pray, been praying to St. Anthony almost every 2 hours. Is it bad I want her back in my life. We did make a cute couple in pictures.
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« Reply #16 on: August 21, 2020, 11:09:52 AM »

Hi Legal,

By praying to "St-Anthony" can I assume that you are Catholic?

Have you ever considered consulting a spiritual director?

Rev
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legalboxers
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« Reply #17 on: August 21, 2020, 12:33:44 PM »

I am Catholic yes, spiritual director not as much. Am I bad for wanting her back?
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Rev
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« Reply #18 on: August 21, 2020, 02:10:59 PM »

I am Catholic yes, spiritual director not as much. Am I bad for wanting her back?

No - you are not bad for wanting her back.  And you've asked me a direct question. So I will honor that with a direct answer. What you are wanting back is not her, but what she represents. And that is what the spiritual direction could address.

It's a matter of discernment. And the thing I will say is that being in relationships with people who are disordered (as she is clearly) will leave us - well - disordered.

Some people have described this as...

Being picked apart
Feeling like we are in pieces
Feeling like we are spinning (or the room is spinning)
Feeling emptied out
Feeling out of alignment (like a car is out of alignment.)

There is a psycho-sociologist who I have quoted from time to time who believes that human beings are more in a state of reconfiguration that in a state of change. That means that our core goodness - think Genesis 1 - never really leaves.  

So my thought around a spiritual director would be to help you find your equilibrium or in chemotherapeutic terms - your congruent self-differentiation - where you know that you are doing you - know where your boundaries should lie and where your inner values match your outer reality - as best as possible at least.

What do you think?

Rev
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legalboxers
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« Reply #19 on: August 21, 2020, 02:16:16 PM »

as I mentioned they were highs  and lows, she only seen the lows, she didnt grasp that every relationship has that, she was and had her mindset on one thing, there was only white and black, no grey, she mocked me about that. I have been a paralegal for 20 years, with everything there is a grey area. Nothing in life is cut and dry.

She kept me grounded to a degree. But she was blinded by rage and the one-way thinking
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« Reply #20 on: August 21, 2020, 10:12:00 PM »

So here is an update, no less than 24 hours after telling her do what you want she posts a picture of her and another guy, one week after that she puts she’s in a relationship. She never did this with me. I think I should let this one go and stop fighting. And let this fight go
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« Reply #21 on: August 22, 2020, 04:07:30 AM »

So here is an update, no less than 24 hours after telling her do what you want she posts a picture of her and another guy,

This would be a trait of the BPD illness. When one has a split self, they make attachments to complete themselves. With you they would act as you do. With others they would act like others. Watched my ex change like a chameleon. Thought I knew her after 12-13 years. I was wrong and she hid this well. The rest I didnt want to see. You actually gave her the go ahead, hoping she would do, what you would do. She made a new primary attachment and in the process turned you into the persecutor. Its the order to the disorder. Understanding of the illness could help you navigate though this. Do you have a T?

I think I should let this one go and stop fighting. And let this fight go

With her, Yes. With you, No. But this time with you, maybe stop fighting and look for understanding. Maybe investigating your FOO could be of help to you. Show yourself how its possible you ended up in this type of r/s. How does letting go, look to you? These r/s have a way of pulling up old emotional band aids. Is it possible these are the wounds creating your pain today? I wish you well, Peace

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« Reply #22 on: August 22, 2020, 08:34:34 AM »

Findingme2011: How can you just change your feelings like turning off a light? No more than 24 hours after I said do what you want to do, I cant stop you, you wont let me or rationalize with me, she posts a pic of some other guy, then a week later, a relationship with someone. Here's my gripe. She posts pics of her coworkers on her page, and her mom, she never posted a pic of me with her. She took down for me to be patient with her and she loves me, which I was patient. She removes that, but she still had me in a relationship with her (she blocked me on her facebook but someone I know said that she had the post of me in a relationship with her on Feb 13, which is still there but not connected to my name.

I lived 10-15 min from her in another state (she is in a town in NJ, Im over the bridge). She wanted someone so she couldnt be alone always, to live with her, help her clean the house, etc. I take care of my mom who needs me, she is 85. She needs care, thats my responsibility. Not to mention I suffer from Fibromyalgia and neurosis (I get pain in my fingers and toes) which she wasnt caring about. What is a "T"?

I paid for a hotel room every time since her house was a mess. She would want me to spend time with her only in her room.Her room is small,cluttered, and the size of a regular closet. I also paid for a handyman to make sure Code Enforcement dont come to her door, ($200) and additional $200 to fix her fusebox (her house is as old as when George Washington was on the planet - but with some upgrade).

I mostly did her errands. Take her food shopping, go get food for her cats and litter. For 5 months I felt as I was more of her servant than boyfriend. I would stay on the phone for hours with her so she dont have nightmares. And when I did not talk for 4-5 hours she thought I was cheating. I was helping my mom, cooking for her, and doing dishes.

Her main issue was 3 people who messaged me. One my ex fiancee (who I told Im with someone else please leave me alone) my other friend who is a 1st responder who was dealing with an issue who needed to talk (she accused me of cheating - when she was in a bad breakup and in physical therapy for a work injury) and last my other close friend from 20 years -who told me she has stage 4 breast cancer. I sent her 'hugs and kisses' and 'holds you close' (she grabbed my phone). asking me why. I told her she told me she has cancer. Shes like "Well I had ovarian cancer". Im like well I did not know you then, and this is my friend.

I was telling my friend (the one with the cancer) that she dumped me but she was like "no we are still here I did not dump you". So I said "Well you said the next person who messages me you are going to leave. So do it if you want. She threw the ring at me.

She would call the hotel our "happy place". I cant go in there without throwing up or having flashbacks. The last time we were there she beat me with a charger cable saying she was "frustrated"

For 5 months, I spent Mondays and Tuesdays with her. We would watch 90 Day Fiancee on Monday nights. I cant watch that show. In my mind I was programmed to, pick her up at noon, get a room by 1:00, go back her house at 3, feed her cats, go back to the hotel, at 7:30 go feed her cats, and by 8 we watch our show. Tuesday morning Id do her errands again, and by 3:00pm Im back home. So I did not know when she was going to dump me because Wed-Sun she would be ok for a few hours, fight with me, then be okay. Then Sunday night to Monday she would be normal. So it was an emotional rollercoaster.
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« Reply #23 on: August 22, 2020, 08:37:42 AM »

These r/s have a way of pulling up old emotional band aids. Is it possible these are the wounds creating your pain today?
I have been only in another relationship like this but I dont think it was BPD. She was a liar. She would make stuff up.
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« Reply #24 on: August 22, 2020, 08:45:24 AM »

I also forgot to mention, I had to go home one time and she came with me, she told me "She never knew where I lived" but she googled me, and found my address. I asked her "why did you give me your work address and never your home address" She told me that her mother mentioned to her people would judge her on her house and not her. So thats why she never told me. But heres the thing, she labeled me something, without even knowing me.

My last gripe is this. She made plans for us for my birthday, and wedding plans. I am a simple man. I hold onto things which give me hope. I have had a horrible few years,I was a volly police officer for 15 yrs, I needed to 'resign' as we call it. no such thing as 'retire' since we didnt get paid. I was banking on a job I never got. With this Covid crap I had bosses who died from Covid, 2 people I work with got sick, and a close friend of mine was on a vent for 6 days. So with all this going on, this was the only bright spot in my life. Sad I know for someone needing something to hold onto to keep a smile on his face. I am at a total loss. I wish I knew what I was getting into before all this.

(my birthday always sucks - I wake up, get a hug from my mom a card, I go get my birthday meal and my own cake  (my mom dont drive) she has the gifts I bought myself wrapped. in the evening I eat my cake, open my gifts, and go sleep early) This is what my birthday is every year...She was going to make it different..I dont have that...
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« Reply #25 on: August 22, 2020, 11:03:12 AM »

addendum: When she and I were fighting about my friend who has the stage 4 cancer, shes in the bathroom, accusing me of giving her a UTI, and she threw a ring at me. I told my friend that "she dumped me" and as Im sending this shes like "I didnt dump you, we are still here". No we are not still here. You are already gone. You made up your mind. You dont throw a ring at someone when you know fully well that you are ready to bail on someone and have someone else in mind.
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FindingMe2011
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1227



« Reply #26 on: August 22, 2020, 12:02:23 PM »

Findingme2011: How can you just change your feelings like turning off a light?

That would be your perception. Mine is I dont. I just see things clearly these days compared to 10 years ago. I have a better grasp on who and what I can truly help. Havent changed my core, this would be impossible. It just stands prouder, because it should. The good the bad and the ugly. Work each day to curb the bad.

No more than 24 hours after I said do what you want to do, I cant stop you, you wont let me or rationalize with me, she posts a pic of some other guy,

When i learned of the illness, then learned to respect it, (2 different objectives, no?) it made perfect sense...You just spiked her abandonment fears to def-con 20000000. Just imagine feeling 1000 times worse than you do right now. Then instead of feeling like crawling in a hole (like you have at some point) you have this feeling of annihilation or death. (many commit suicide) So if you are her what would you do at this point? Can you see how much, she may also be going through? There are no winners contrary to what you seem to believe. Time tells all. Its been 10 years, my ex looks at me like she just saw a ghost. Because she did.

She posts pics of her coworkers on her page, and her mom, she never posted a pic of me with her. She took down for me to be patient with her and she loves me, which I was patient. She removes that, but she still had me in a relationship with her (she blocked me on her facebook but someone I know said that she had the post of me in a relationship with her on Feb 13, which is still there but not connected to my name.


This is the process and a necessary one, but understand its far from where you need to get...This is all about her and as long as you do, everything to do with detachment will become nearly impossible to find. The ONLY person involved that you can TRULY save is YOU. Ask anybody thats been on here for many years, they will also tell you this.

What is a "T"?


Therapist

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legalboxers
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ex GF / Fiancée
Posts: 217


« Reply #27 on: August 22, 2020, 12:24:51 PM »

Findingme: That hole is now my safe haven. I havent thought about suicide, as for a therapist, Ive been in worse situations than this when my father and his mania, he died in 2002 from End Stage Renal Disease. I also forgot to add about my ex, we were in a supermarket, and I had groceries in the cart, we were in the bakery area, and she was in another isle looking at hair dye (will add that part in the next paragraph)..

they were two younger females, about 20-22, dressed provocatively.. short-shorts, where you can see their butt, and a tight top. She said they were "Staring" at her and me, and she felt uncomfortable. So she wanted to goto another store 20 mins away. Mind you Im hungry so I obliged. She was a blonde, she watches these youtube channels on dyeing hair. So shes like she wanted to go brown and wanted me to help her. As she was doing it, she got it in her eye, saying shes going blind and it was my fault. My mom called me about something so I couldnt run and help her. Then she dyed it black. Her rational, so no one thinks shes a "dumb blonde". But I never said that to her.
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grumpydonut
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 189



« Reply #28 on: August 22, 2020, 12:52:55 PM »

Legal, I'll share something about myself.

Since I was cheated on, I have felt like I'm not a real man. That I'm just an unlovable boy, and that's why women always cheat on me and eventually leave me for someone else. I have been on dates lately where I just think "I'm not man enough for this woman, I probably won't even be able to perform sexually because I'm not a real man. She should have a real man".

My point? This has nothing to do with these women. This is my problem, and they can't do anything to alleviate it, because I have to learn where it stems from and work at it.

The punchline:

Your ex shouting at you, misconstruing your words or actions, or putting words in your mouth. This has NOTHING to do with you. You can't fix it, because it's her issue. You can't fix anyone, truth be told. You can only give people the tools for them to fix themselves.

Don't read too much into her words. She is mentally ill. Don't allow her to change how you view yourself in the aftermath. She is mentally ill.

I know you have likely read "it has nothing to do with you" a million times (just like I did). But stop and let it sink it.

It has nothing to do with you. She is mentally ill. It's on her.
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legalboxers
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Relationship status: Ex GF / Fiancée
Posts: 217


« Reply #29 on: August 22, 2020, 01:05:31 PM »

Grumpy: With me, every single day I was with her, I keep replaying my head. What sucks is I remember everything else in my life too. But the days with her, I remember. I did not have a decent time growing up. Even adulthood was bad to me. With her, I felt , or what I thought I felt, was a sense of something. Like I posted in other parts, think of a cold, dark box, which you live in. Your entire life is in that box. With me, someone long ago gave me a teddybear, I dont associate the bear with that person, but its a bear. Its a sanity bear, so I sit in my cold dark box, with my bear. No matter what season, what time of year. Its cold, its dark, its damp. No one can hear me cry, no one can hear me scream. No one can hear me laugh, something which I forgot to do. She was able to cut a little hole in that box, and I would get out sometime, and go back in my box when Im doing doing what she wanted (taking her food shopping, errands for her to the doctor, for her root canal) but as time went on, the past few weeks before she left me, that light was slowly being closed. day by day, the light was fading away... until one day, Im back into darkness.. Its a feeling which Im use to. I want to erase every memory I have with her, all the roads I traveled to her house, the backroads she showed me to get to places to avoid the heavily traveled roads. I just want to forget this whole damn year.
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