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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Dealing with the aftermath  (Read 377 times)
grumpydonut
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 473



« on: August 17, 2020, 06:32:40 AM »

Hi all,

Since being left for her co-cheater in March, my self esteem has slowly wilted away to the point where I no longer feel like a man. I feel worthless and not man enough for a woman. I have never felt truly masculine or the typical alpha man, anyway, but now I just feel so broken.

Has anyone else gone through this? I know it became triggered when she cheated on me in June 2019, but it's just been getting worse.
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Lucky Jim
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #1 on: August 17, 2020, 10:02:10 AM »

Hey grumpy,  I think it's normal to reassess one's masculinity in the aftermath of a BPD r/s, so give yourself a break.  Get back to being who you are at your core.  Strive for authenticity.  Become who you are, as Nietzsche wrote.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.  I lost myself, too, in the course of my marriage to a pwBPD.  When we parted ways, I discovered a small "pilot light" within myself, which was still functioning.  I realized that part of my essential self was still there, and that I would be OK.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
BuildingFromScratch
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 422


« Reply #2 on: August 17, 2020, 01:54:54 PM »

Sorry you're feeling that way. I think these relationships are so abusive that they kill your self esteem in many ways, masculinity is just one part of that. Her cheating isn't a reflection on you, it's a reflection on her. He wasn't "better than you", he was a convenient person for her to run to. My ex-BPDgf had some pretty messed up ideas of masculinity and would shame me into a box on it.

Post breakup I lifting weights like a mad man because I felt so worthless and emasculated. No matter how much I lifted weights it was never enough, I ended up thrashing my central nervous system and was crippled with somatic body pain for a couple years.

Although I don't think weight lifting is gonna solve all your issues, and I wouldn't suggest going crazy on it, but some moderate weight lifting always helps me feel more masculine. Might help a bit.
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Goosey
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 375


« Reply #3 on: August 17, 2020, 02:56:09 PM »

Ya it’s very tough to be emasculated by a pwPbd.
Just know your inner self. Your core values. You ain’t the monster you have been betrayed as. And the final devaluation in my situation was for her to attack our sexual relationship as under performing for her standards.  I’m just typing big words to substitute what she really said. It’s just an attack. It’s childish.
Never seem to have a problem just being human with others since she isn’t whispering venom in my ear. Life is kinda simple.
 
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