Very Sudden Crisis

[DS2020]

Hi everyone. This is actually a new UN for me because it is so long since I last posted, that I couldn't even remember my UN. (I guess that is a good thing right?).
I'll try to make a long story slightly less long. I am in a 20 year marriage with a BPD wife and we have two children (16 and 18). The earlier years had many of all the classic symptoms and there was a formal diagnosis maybe about 12-15 years ago, but never any true acceptance. The marriage has had all the usual things from her - compulsive lying, rage, splitting, fear of abandonment, infidelity, ... all the usuals. Fortunately (depending on how you look at it), substance abuse, threats of suicide, and cutting have not been an issue. In periods of high stress, she would resort to inappropriate relationships that ran the gamut. We eventually figured out, and she even acknowledged during one fleeting moment of self-reflection that these inappropriate relationships were her escape from reality and her escape from stress and anxiety that she did not want to accept. It became her drug of choice. She suffers from anxiety disorder and hypochondriasis. Finally, about 5 years ago, when her life was falling apart and I had confronted her about all of her inappropriate relationships, she had a sudden awakening, acknowledged her problems, and offered a heartfelt apology to myself and the kids and pledged that this would never happen again. In the 5 years since then, she has kept that promise, and our relationship improved greatly. While life with a BPD is never a sure thing, it was pretty good and seemed to be continuously improving. The only thing that did not improve was her obsessive thoughts about our now 18 year old son. She loves him very much but has had obsessive irrational thoughts and fears about his health, his eating, his sleep, his complexion, you name it. Despite the fact that he is completely healthy with no issues, she would fret constantly, question him incessantly, and need continuous assurance that he is fine. He grew to resent this along with his resentment for her infidelities, and their relationship has become very strained. Unfortunately he has lost all respect for her. The last few weeks has already been a period of high stress due to Covid and a possible career change for her, but the primary stressor is her son leaving at the end of this week for college. That is a sad and emotional time for any parent, but for her it is a thought that she cannot even fathom. So... three or four weeks ago she met a man who shares the same field of work as her. Within the last seven days, she has said that she wants a divorce from me, she is moving out. She is in love with this new guy, though she insists it is not intimate yet (I actually believe her on that one). She is spending almost no time in the house. When she is in the house, she is on the phone with him around the clock. She is ignoring her children, basically not even talking to our son who is leaving for college this week, and largely ignoring our daughter who she has been extremely close with and almost like best friends with. Oddly, instead of the usual attacking and blaming, she is mostly taking on a very strange strident, matter of fact demeanor. She is basically not talking to me other than to want to know how quickly we can get divorced, and to reassure me that she does not want my money. It is very much a phony happy, "look at me I'm fine" persona. It feels like it is just a ticking time bomb for a complete breakdown. We (myself, the kids, her mother) all know what is happening with her and we have a combined feeling of disgust, resentment, and incredible fear that this will all quickly come crashing down in some sort of a severe mental breakdown. She has had some breakdowns many years ago and she has a history of suicide and schizophrenia on her father's side. Her father was a schizophrenic that committed suicide when she was a young girl.

We are desperate to try to do something, but we are powerless. Any attempt to talk to her is met with resistance and anger. While I'd like to do some sort of intervention with all of this, I'm nearly certain that it will be met with rage and accusations that everyone is conspiring against her. I am deeply saddened for what is about to happen to me but even sadder for what she is about to do to the relationships with her children. She has a chance in these last few days to try to make it right with our son and possibly keep the door open for a future better relationship with him, and instead she is further alienating and disgusting him. It just feels so tragic and I don't know what to do. I have already set up therapy for myself and also for my daughter. Her mother is doing the same.

The other very odd thing is that for the first time in her life this week, she is taking her medication on her own, and she told me that she is accepting that she has BPD and is telling her friends that she has BPD, including her new lover. She told me that a few days ago. I told her that if that is true, I am very proud of her, and I hope it continues. I then broke down crying and said that I wish she would have taken that step 5 or 10 or 15 years ago for her family. While she is apparently accepting the BPD label at this moment in time, she seems to have no ability whatsoever to recognize that this sudden bizarre behavior, ignoring your son as he leaves for college, divorcing your husband (or threatening to) with no discussions whatsoever, not even a mention of marriage counseling, is in fact a product of her disease.

I am at a loss of what if anything can be done to save this marriage, save her relationship with her kids, and quite possibly save her life. And yes, I know, I need to accept that I can't save everyone or everything, and I need to protect myself and my kids, but I really wish there was something I could do.

Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Baglady]

Hi DS 

I've was in your shoes two years ago when my ex actually did experience a full on psychotic break.  Unfortunately, I had no clue that he suffered from BPD until the divorce went through in a matter of months after a 21 year marriage.

It was the toughest thing I've had to endure in my life.  Sitting and witnessing a loved one dysregulate and completely fall apart right in front of your eyes is a special form of hell that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  And the level of mindless sheer self-sabotage on the BPD's part is so hard to stomach.  It is tragic...especially when the loved one is turning against the actual people who really truly love them.

How difficult this must be especially for your college-going child.  It should be a bittersweet but hopeful and exciting time for him but instead he has to deal with this.

A dysregulated BPD is a wreaking ball.  However, please try to not let you and your children go down with the ship.  Try to minimize the damage to yourself and your children and prioritize your needs as much as you can.   You have obviously been very strong for a lot of years now - it's time to really dig deep and mine all of the reserves of grit and resilience that you can muster.

Hang in there    For what it is worth, everyone here is rooting for you.

Warmly,
B

[DS2020]

Thank you very much B. I appreciate your kind words and insight. I am trying to approach this in a very organized and methodical way. Short term is to make it through the week, get my son off to college, ensure my daughter gets the support she needs and try like hell to not say or do anything that will trigger the explosion and breakdown that I expect is coming. No confrontations, plenty of distancing, avoid any possible triggering discussions. Once he is moved in and safe, then I will have the enter the next more perilous phase. But yes, the dysregulation is insane. Her son, who she has loved dearly (though unhealthily) is five days from moving out of the house, perhaps forever, and she is locked up in her bedroom having giggly teenager type discussions with her "boyfriend" for hours on end. It's disturbing, disgusting, and terribly sad. I feel like opening up the door and screaming at her, but we all know how that ends. Thanks again, and I'm glad you seem to be in a better place now.

[Brooklyn1974]

I would suggest re-reading up on boundaries and limitations.  These boundaries are for you and what you will accept.  There is a way of going about them and how to tell your wife about these limitations that you set up.  Can I ask, are you co-dependent on her? 

I've been married to my BPD wife of 16 years and before I met her I was a pretty strong, confident person.  Trying to 'fix' her problems along the way only pushed me into a co-dependent role.  Happy wife, happy life.. well that's impossible with a BPD as you know.

What are you doing for yourself in all of this?  You are right, yelling at her will not help but what you can say is something like this:  'I understand you are going through a difficult time with our son leaving, we both love him very much.  I feel the way you are acting with this other guy is a deal-breaker and if this continues then I have no choice but to take the next step'.  This is something you say when you can only go through with it.  This comes at your own time and place.  If you do say this to her and her reply is 'What is the next step?' then you can say 'That is something that I am keeping to myself for now'.  Let her think.  If she rages then walk away. 

Perhaps my advice might be wrong, so maybe someone more experienced can chime in.  This isn't for you to 'get her back emotionally' it's to protect yourself form further damage.  This seems to be a crisis-case.  Has she threatened to harm herself or anyone else?  Are you afraid of your own safety?

[DS2020]

Brooklyn, thank you so much for weighing in, and yes I will freshen up on on boundaries and limitations. As far as codependency, I think the main dependency I have had would be the social aspect of it. Because it is so difficult to have your own friendships, even family members, due to jealousies and insecurities, much of my social interactions have been with her friends at her time and place of choosing. Beyond that, no I don't think there are emotional co-dependencies. She called me here at work just within the last hour, and very calmly explained that she's filing for divorce immediately, she reiterated that she doesn't want my money, she said she wanted me to be happy, etc. I responded in a very calm way, didn't argue or challenge her decision, said I hoped she is happy as well. It was all so surreal, like the band playing  on the Titanic. The crash is imminent. I told her that I will always be there for her if she has a medical problem or a psychological crisis. I then said that I will not be there as a shoulder to cry on or to hear about her day, or to listen to stories. I calmly explained that she will be in her life, and I will be in mine. She said something about spending time together at the holidays or for the kids. I calmly told her that that will probably be very limited. Only what is necessary and it will likely be brief. She said she will be interested in how my life is going. I stated that she will probably get updates from the kids. The phone call ended cordially.
She is telling others that she has never been happy, always has lived her life for me or for the kids, or for her mother. Always has sacrificed her own happiness.
It will come as no surprise to you and others that all of this has occurred over the last 10 days. Literally two weeks ago she was asking when I could retire and where we could move to and where we could travel to, and how much she loved me.

I believe the collapse is imminent - tonight, tomorrow, next week? Not sure, but it is coming. As for myself, yes, I have a therapist appointment Thursday (first one). I'll ask her if we can make it 10 hours instead of one . She is insisting this new relationship will not become intimate until she is divorced. I do think she will actually try to abide by that. I think she feels like she can feel good about herself if she doesn't cross that boundary. We'll see. Interestingly she has said twice now "maybe we will find out we miss each other when I'm gone." I will let her know that physical intimacy and divorce are boundaries for me that she will not cross and expect me to take her back from.

Thanks again, I'll keep you updated.

[Brooklyn1974]

Sorry to hear about the phone call.  I know that feeling of your stomach dropping.  Remember it's an illness.  Good for you on the boundaries, please read up on them, you will need to know a lot about them and also how to talk to her about these boundaries.  In my opinion I would not talk about this other guy to her or ask for details.  You want to remain calm.  Perhaps others who are more experienced can help as well. 

Above all else, please take care of yourself.  Create short-term goals and accomplish them.  Also do something awesome for yourself that you wouldn't be allowed to while she was there.

[DS2020]

Oh, and as far as fearing for my safety, not really. I can't say that I've never fallen asleep with one eye open, but her physical attacks were limited to one punch in the eye over 20 years ago, prior to marriage. Yes, I know, that should have been a sign...

The really crazy creaming and yelling and verbal assaults has really waned in recent years. In part to her simply getting older and generally getting better, but also the children had reached ages where they could be witnesses and either defend me or draw judgments about her. As crazy as her behavior has been over the years, it is basically never around other people, or out in public.

Yes great advice about not asking questions and also about doing something great for myself. I have not asked one question about this guy or one question about their relationship. I feel like I've learned something over the past 20 years, and I have the emotional scars to show for it.

[Baglady]

Hi DS 

You seem to be holding up very well and your calm logical approach will pay dividends.  Sadly, I understand the surreal, irrational place you find yourself in your marriage in spite of your best intentions.  My marriage imploded in the space of weeks due to my exBPDh's meltdown.  I could more easily anticipated a cartoon anvil falling on my head from the sky better than the abrupt serious of events than led to my divorce.  Truly, I think I went to a state of calm but pure shock for months because my brain simply couldn't process the irrationality of his actions.

My ex like your partner also wanted to "have his cake and eat it".  He honestly envisioned a life where he would be able to sleep around with multiple women, engage in swinging and orgies, experiment with drugs and combine all that with hanging out as a happy family frequently with my son and myself.  And he absolutely simply could not understand why I couldn't be happy and see this as a win/win situation for both of us.  He also exhibited the same teenage rebellious behavior - suddenly taking drugs and going to dancing events with millennial-aged kids.  He tried to string me along by saying that "maybe in a couple of years if we are both single" we can reunite.  Their behavior is so bizarrely textbook.

Take care of yourself and your children.  We as imperfect but well-intentioned partners never, ever (even on our worst day) deserved this treatment after being so loyal to our spouses for so long.  I keep looking for the why of it all.  I know that events from my family of origin predisposed me to put up with the behavior of my exBPD for far longer than I should have but ultimately I'm a very loyal person who truly wanted to honor my marriage vows and raise my son in an intact family.  I had the bad luck to make a bad pick of a marriage partner at a very young age and here I am - decades later dealing with the fall-out.

Hang in there 

Warmly,
B.

[DS2020]

Thanks so much B. Sounds very familiar in many ways. This current crisis is so clearly her escape from dealing with the "loss" of her son heading off to college, probably coupled with the guilt of having such a strained self-inflicted relationship with him. Two hours ago her mother sat down with her and attempted to very calmly suggest to her that she approach our son who is leaving and try to have a heart to heart talk with him, express her love and support, try to mend fences, etc. My wife responded by screaming and berating her mother for even getting involved. It was a full on half hour verbal assault, the likes of which she hadn't recalled experiencing before.

An hour later, my wife went home and apparently had a nice heart-to-heart talk with our son. She texted her mother "good idea about that talk."

Welcome to BPD!

Thanks again for sharing your story. Sounds very traumatic, but it sounds like you came out the other side ok.

[Baglady]

Hi DS,

Ah yes - the full-on verbal assaults...shudder.  Don't miss those at all 

Yes I'm doing much better.  I'm over the worst of my grieving at this point and I'm actively working hard to rebuild my life from the ground up.  My son and I have a wonderful relationship and I have priceless friends who provide me with ongoing support.

I'll always consider myself one of the walking wounded though.  Being a non is a serving as a witness to some of the most disturbing ways that a mental condition can wreak havoc with a human and all of their relationships.  I will have life-long scars. 

My focus is to somehow and in someway find the good in my suffering.  Still searching...

There is life after a long-term BPD marriage but it is a hard go at times - not gonna lie.

Warmly,
B

[DS2020]

Apologies in advance, I know this sounds like a diary, sharing events as they happen. I guess it is my immediate therapy. I come home after work to the kids and my son informs me that she did actually go through and file divorce because the documents came up on our home email we all share. She didn't even have the decency to use a personal email address. Looks like some error was made in the filing and the court is asking her to amend it, but she has gone and spent the $400 filing fee and started the process. I guess I am somewhat surprised because in the past she rarely followed through on things. I had very tearful conversation with her mom, and then our kids. Probably the saddest most difficult discussions of my life. Everyone, especially her mom were so supportive. She is out again with her "boyfriend" and other friends who must be at least enabling this.

I sent her a text message saying that our son told me that the divorce has now been filed. I said "I would prefer you find someplace else to stay tonight. This is too uncomfortable for me. I can help book you a hotel if you choose or obviously you can stay with any of your friends. You are an owner of the house so you can obviously ignore my request as well. I am just asking out of respect for myself."

She replied 10 minutes later saying "No I am coming home."

I'm hoping she will come home and ignore me and not try to start a huge conflict. I did talk to both kids ahead of time. I let them know that their needs and their care is my number one priority. I told them how I was feeling and how I felt about her coming home. I said that I will not make this request of her if either one would prefer I didn't. Surprisingly they both not only went along with it but felt the same way. I told them I am trying not to involve them in this conflict, but at the same time I want to do everything that is consistent with their needs. We had a really nice long talk.

This was somewhat of a boundary, though I don't have any legal basis to enforce it. I guess it is just more a sharing of what I would like the boundary to be and what it will be in the future.

Thanks everyone again for listening.

[DS2020]

Dear Diary: She did come home last night, called me on the way home, somewhat miffed and slightly argumentative about me asking her not to come home, but very brief and mild, no screaming or yelling. She left me alone when she got home and didn't wake me or engage. I got up in the morning for work, and realizing that I had never even asked her if she was interested in marriage counseling, I walked in and calmly said "I know this has not been discussed, but are you interested in marriage counseling?" She said no, and then started to give some sort of apology/explanation. I said that there was no need to apologize, I assumed the answer was no, but I did not want to be presumptuous. I said that I am sure my therapist, my daughter's therapist, and the courts will all at least ask the question, so I needed to know. She said "are you going to a therapist?" I said "of course." And that was the end of it.

I wanted to scream and say "You want to end a 20 year marriage, break up a family, etc. a couple weeks after meeting someone, without even a discussion, without a consideration of marriage counseling, without a discussion of a trial separation? This is self-destructive insanity!"

But I did not. I calmly said okay, I asked her how soon can she move out, and what can I do to facilitate the move.

That was it. None of the typical behaviors of the past that accompany the perceived abandonment. No hundreds of calls and text messages alternating between rage and blame. Still just this steely resolve. She has built this emotional wall and has escaped into this alternate life that she has hastily constructed (10 days) to avoid dealing with reality. I guess I will just march on, protect myself and my kids, and await what I think will be the eventual collapse of this wall.

[DS2020]

So, I am more or less on the same path I have been on since I last posted. The waves of sadness, anger, frustration, etc. continue but I guess they are getting a little better. I am trying to focus on doing all the right things, for myself, my kids, and my wife. I did have my first counseling session last Thursday, as did my daughter. It was very helpful. The counselor assured me that I seemed to be doing all the right things. She also reminded me, as a couple of you have here as well to make sure I do something for myself, and also try to stay healthy and exercise.
My wife has proceeded to rent an apartment and I believe will start moving out today or tomorrow. She continues to be very strangely diplomatic to me, though we have virtually no interaction.
She continues to avoid me and her kids, including her son, whose departure for college has now been delayed until this Wednesday.
I continue to be 100% convinced that this entire sudden event is completely due to her dysregulation to avoid the emotional upheaval of her son leaving (abandonment). Her life more or less has been governed by her obsession with him, as I previously discussed, and she is protecting herself from the emotional and mental breakdown she fears will occur if she doesn't escape from it. Rather than alcohol, drugs, or cutting, she is immersing herself in an extramarital relationship, and all the excitement, newness, drama, and diversions that it brings with it. She intellectually knows she is a wrecking ball and causing tremendous pain, resentment, and dread with us (me, the kids, and her mother), but can't deal with the alternative.

I'm virtually certain the breakdown will occur (though I am not telling her that). Will it be within the next couple days, the next couple of weeks, or within a month or so? I'm not sure. The question is how bad will it be? How will she recover? How will I feel about her and the marriage (assuming there still is one)? Am I willing to accept back this wife who I both love, and has also caused so much pain for me. I know these are issues I will have to work through. In the unlikely event that she thrives, accepts her illness, actively seeks treatment, and develops healthy relationships with future partners, then I will at least have the comfort that she is safe and healthy, and doing the right things to stay that way, despite the personal sadness and sense of loss I will feel.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It does, indeed, sound like she has found this idealized new romance as a way to deal with the stress of your son going to college.

She's likely avoiding her feelings surrounding the "loss" of her son and is distracting herself with the fantasy of a perfect new life.

I'm glad you have sought counseling for yourself and your daughter. You can't control what your wife does but you can take care of yourself so you can handle the situation and its effects on you and the kids. It's so hard to have to stand by and watch a mentally unwell person make bad decisions without being able to intervene. I would agree with your therapist and suggest you do whatever you can do for self care right now, build on your support system, and fill your own cup so you can be supportive of your kids.

How far away is your son's school? Has he considered looking into a counselor for himself? Some colleges offer counseling services on campus for students.

[DS2020]

Thank you so much IAR. You are so correct, you hit the nail on the head. The fact that this new object of her affection apparently has some level of psychological issues (perhaps depression, not really sure) also fits her pattern perfectly. Up until now she would never have even dreamed about even missing a meal with her family. Yet this past week she has been almost completely absent. She went from checking on my son 20-30 times a day, in an obsessive frantic sort of way to not having said a word to him for going on three days. This will eventually be devastating to her when she gets to the point in which she has to deal with this.

Funny you should ask about counseling with my son. I had a heart to heart with him earlier to day about that very issue. He will be about 3 1/2 hours away and he will be at a very large campus with apparently a great deal of great resources for this sort of thing. He is a very stoic type of person and he insists he does not want or need counseling at this point in time. He feels he is finally "escaping" this situation and feels that that in itself will be very helpful to him. I am not going to try to push the issue, but at some point, I think he really should. While I try to take the approach of "hate the illness, don't hate the person", I'm not sure he is quite ready yet. He has some fairly significant executive functioning challenges associated with ADHD, so he is going to need a lot of support and guidance from me, along with meds and maturation, to make sure this next journey in his life is successful. Thanks again for your kind words. It is so helpful to talk to others that have experienced this. It is so difficult to try to explain to those who haven't.

[DS2020]

Well, the all too predictable next step occurred. She came home after I had gone to bed after being gone all day. This has been the pattern this past week. This time, she woke me up and asked if we could talk for a second. She said "the spell" had broken for her. She was no longer infatuated with this new guy who she had been "in love" with one day earlier. She then said she is causing pain for everyone involved (certainly true). I said this is what this disease does. She said "It is not the disease." She just is in a place where she knows she cannot be a good wife or a good partner for anyone at this point, and she needs to be alone for herself. I said "My concern is that when you are sitting there in this new apartment by yourself, feeling depressed or alone, I am concerned that you will go back to your past habit of initiating inappropriate and destructive relationships with god knows who." She said that she would not, that she just needs to be alone, and that she is moving out tonight.

That was pretty much the extent of it. She has never been able to be alone. Her entire being is one of needing constant companionship, constant reassurances, constant validation. Never mind the fact that her executive functioning with life skills is poor at best. I'm pretty sure that the right thing to do is not to try to talk her out of it. Let her do what she needs to do. Try to put things in place to prevent self-harm or other dangerous outcomes, and let it play itself out.

Is that about right?

[I Am Redeemed]

Well, that was sudden.

Do you think she is sincere in telling you that she is no longer interested in this person?

If she does go through with moving out, do you think she may change her mind and want to return in the near future?

It sounds like she recognizes on some level that she is not capable of holding up her end of relationships in any facet of life right now, though she doesn't seem to be aware of where the root of that issue lies.

Is she still adamant about divorcing or has that no longer become an urgent matter to her?

What do you think you can do in terms of putting things in place to prevent self-harm or other dangerous outcomes?

[DS2020]

Thanks again IAR. Great questions. I am someone who likes certainty and order and truth and structure. As we all know, those are things in short supply, at least certainly in my case. Is she still interested in this person? From what I understand, yes, but at least according to her, as a friend. He apparently was with her yesterday setting up her new apartment. Last night was her first night in her new apartment. What he has figured out, or will figure out very soon is that her feelings, aspirations, and goals will change on a dime, with no apparent explanation. As an aside, I remember one day about 4 months in or so to our initial dating. It was going great, we were both in love with each other, we still had that exciting feeling of a new romance and a potential future together. She was visiting me at my apartment. Out of nowhere, she matter of factly said "I don't think this will work out. We are going to need to break up. I really like to dance, and that is not really your thing." I was stunned. How could this be? Who makes decisions like this based on things like that?

Like I said she moved out last night. My daughter, son, dogs, etc. all stayed home with me. My daughter, who has held up amazingly so far had a really tough time. She was on the phone with my wife and started sobbing, felt abandoned, felt all the things you would expect a child to feel. My wife basically got angry with her. She said she was welcome to come to her apartment if she wanted, but more or less was angry with her and said or inferred that my daughter was just trying to make her feel guilty for leaving. I comforted my daughter, reassured her that everyone loves her, and we talked again about the disease and that these things are a reflection of that and not a reflection of a mother that does not love you.

I do expect her to want to come back in the future, but I have no certainty about that. I don't see it in the next few days. Perhaps the next few weeks, but I'm really not sure. She apparently is giddy about everything at the moment. Picture a 16 year old, leaving her house, getting an apartment all to herself, having that new excitement, planning get togethers at the apartment, exploring her new surroundings, feeling like she is entering adulthood. I believe those are exactly the thoughts and emotions she is experiencing at the moment. Of course she is 47, with two teenage children, a husband, a house, dogs, responsibilities, etc.

Not another word on the divorce. I have no idea if she went back and amended the filing to correct the errors, or not. I'm not going to ask. I'm not sure she even knows the status.

As far as preventing self-harm, that is a tough one. She still communicates with her mother, and if that becomes a concern, I think she will be able to tell by the communications. We are trying to figure out a way for her to get the spare keys to the apartment just in case things start to go south. It will probably become apparent. The giddiness will turn to self-loathing and guilt. We will see. This is all so difficult.

[I Am Redeemed]

I comforted my daughter, reassured her that everyone loves her, and we talked again about the disease and that these things are a reflection of that and not a reflection of a mother that does not love you.

I understand what you are trying to do here, but I would be careful about speaking on her mother's feelings for her. I know you are trying to separate the disorder from the person. But try to stay away from blaming the disorder for all the actions that are hurtful. Your daughter has a right to be angry, and she needs a safe space to express that with you, so focus on validating her feelings and giving her the chance to express her pain and anger. Blaming the disorder and assuring her that her mother loves her can inadvertently send the message that people who love you treat you badly sometimes. That can cause a cognitive dissonance- defined as "mental stress or discomfort experienced by an individual who holds two or more contradictory beliefs, values, or ideas at the same time". It is hard to reconcile "my mother loves me" with "my mother is abandoning me" and it can cause psychological stress to keep trying to make those two beliefs align with each other.

Take a look at this discussion here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345959.0

This is from the family law board, where most members are divorced or in the process of it, but the values in this thread are golden. You may be able to apply the principles discussed in this thread even though you are not sure what is going to happen with your marriage at this point.

I'm sorry you and your family are going through this. It is, indeed, very difficult.

Your wife may have a mental disorder, but she is still accountable for her actions. Her relationship with her daughter is still her responsibility, that doesn't go away just because she is mentally ill. The flipside of that is that it is not your responsibility to "fix" your wife's relationship with her children. She has caused damage. She is responsible for that damage.

[DS2020]

Thank you so much, and thanks for pointing me in that direction. I will read that information. That whole area is an area that I do not feel as knowledgeable about, and don't feel very comfortable that I am saying the right things, so I very much appreciate the guidance. In the moment, I was just searching for things that might make her feel better, and that seemed like the path to go down. I am so grateful that there is guidance out there and folks like you and others that can help!

[Baglady]

Hi DS 

I don't really have any advice to add but just wanted to extend some empathy to you.  I well remember my exBPDh going through that same bizarre giddy phase right after our divorce (aka - him walking out on our decades long marriage and family while completely psychotic).   It was a tortuous time for me - I was numb, in shock, disbelieving and experiencing horrendous levels of grief while my ex was partying like a teenager - drugging, engaging in sexual activities with multiple people, running up credit card debt. He gave the appearance of being let out of some kind of long term jail sentence instead of a marriage!  It was enormously difficult to stomach his behavior at a time when I could barely function myself.

Fast forward to two years out and the tables have turned somewhat.  He is addicted to drugs, hugely overweight,  his sexual activities have been curtailed by COVID,  he has already dumped a longer term girlfriend, he is in major debt, he can't hold down a regular job and his friends are few and far between.  Meanwhile, I've spent the better half of the last few years really healing, turning the focus on myself and my needs (while still caring for my teen) and honestly, I feel like I'm in a really great place overall in spite of the pandemic.

Keep the eyes on the prize - you and your children.  Untreated, our ex-partners are a bottomless pit of never-to-be-satisfied needs and you have paid your dues and more to her already.  You can exit this marriage head high knowing that you did your best but BPD is a formidable foe.

Warmly,
B

[DS2020]

Thanks B. Just out of curiosity, when you think of him now and you discover the bad situation he is in, how does that make you feel? Is it some level of redemption? Some amount of pleasure? Or at least feelings of "I told you so?" Or do you feel empathy or sympathy? Perhaps some combination of all of these things? Sounds like he is not the father of your teen, so if that is the case, I'm sure that must have some sort of an impact.

[DS2020]

So this is day 2 of wife having moved out of house into her apartment. She sent a text saying she is setting up counseling for herself and has found someone who specializes in BPD. I sent a sincere reply stating that's great and I applaud you for that. Now whether she has actually made any appointment or not, that's another story.

She followed that up by mentioning that she ran into one of her past "inappropriate dalliances" in the store, he texted her and asked her to "hang out" and that she told him "no, she wasn't interested in that."

She immediately followed that up with a text stating "I did request to go back to my maiden name."

I sent no responses to either of those things. I suspect they were attempts to draw an emotional reaction from me, create some type of chaos, whatever. For sure in the past, I would have reacted. It would have escalated, and off to the races.

I'm assuming silence is best, as opposed to some sort of response. Just would like to know what others think.

[Baglady]

Hi DS 

When I saw the state of my ex, I was honestly horrified to see the level of deterioration in such a short time.  I had a moment of feeling that his shame and guilt over his horrendous treatment of me is manifesting in his physical appearance in a negative way with his weight gain.  His self-loathing is writ large in this respect.  Mostly, I felt incredibly sad.  Things didn't have to be this way.  I loved him wholeheartedly until his psychotic break and his assault of me prior to our divorce.  Things didn't have to deteriorate in such a way - it's hard to witness the self-sabotaging and self-destruction.  I feel sad but I have moved on emotionally and I no longer love him because frankly, I have lost complete respect for him.  He was incredibly abusive to me in the end and I can't forget and forgive that.

My son IS his biological child.  I feel for my son having to navigate his father's obvious struggles.  I try to support my son as best I can.  It is a very difficult and lonely road as few understand the unique nature of this type of divorce.

Warmly,
B

[Baglady]

Hi DS,

I feel compelled to add that my exBPDh grew up in a very privileged family with significant wealth.  He went to private schools and colleges and he has an advanced degree.  He was able to hold down a professional job for 17 years (although there were struggles unbeknownst to me).  He didn't drink, smoke and do any drugs for 99% of our marriage and he was monogamous until the psychotic break.  He had odd behaviors in hindsight (high functioning BPD) but he had a diagnosis of ADHD so I wrote off a lot of puzzling actions to that.   So the sudden mental break completely blindsided me and my son.  We never saw it coming.  To witness him now is very sad and pitiful in a way.  Mental illness is an awful affliction.

Warmly,
B

[DS2020]

Hi B,
Thanks for the clarification. I guess I just assumed he was not the biological dad. That makes it so much tougher to just cut all ties (emotional, financial, and otherwise).

Yes, mental illness is awful. I was very insulated from it growing up, as I and the rest of my family don't have any such issues, so it really is tough to wrap your arms around. It is great that the stigma is not nearly as bad as it was 20-30 years ago, but it is still there.

I'm still holding my breath, dreading what I think is the inevitable breakdown. As I write this, our son will be heading off to college within the hour, leaving behind his nearly empty room in the house we have all shared for many years. My wife has not seen him in 2-3 days and will not see him before he leaves. Yet he has been the primary source of her thoughts (albeit it in an often unhealthy obsessive way) for the 18 years of his life. This reality and the guilt will come crashing down over her I believe some time in the next week or two. It will be very bad.

I was happy that he, his sister and I were able to go out to a nice goodbye family dinner last night. No talk of mom, we kept it all positive, and all focused on this new exciting adventure for him. It was enjoyable and he appreciated it.

Just trying to take each day as it comes.

[I Am Redeemed]

This thread has reached the posting limit and has been locked. The discussion continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=346204.msg13122099#msg13122099