Rough week so far

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Any emails/texts/documented interactions about this? Could be helpful to file away.

Are you keeping any kind of "parenting log" (just for you and your L, not to share with STBx) about how D is doing with you? Naps, eating, play time, discipline, etc?

And at this point, with you guys not divorced, you could just as easily either take D to pediatrician or consult with pediatrician on your own, right? Any chance of having a consult with pediatrician, something low key, like "hey, D is X months old, and I really want the best for her. She seems to do OK going a day w/o breastfeeding, and unfortunately has not been provided w/ breastmilk during that day without. Anything I should be watching for or concerned about? I've been feeding her X, Y, and Z type foods and diaper changes have been going fine" or something like that.

Don't put all your eggs in this basket, as it were, but your intuition is correct that it's just one more instance of your D's mom saying with words that she's all about D but not following up with actions. So, document, get support, get professional consultations, make sure you're doing healthy stuff for D when she's with you. Don't "hang your hat" on this one slice of the pie, but don't discount it, either. It's so frustrating to encounter that other parent proclaiming their exalted status in the child's life and then dropping the ball on care when it matters.

Awesome tips here - thank you for your help!

Yes, I have several emails where my STBex says that our daughter can't be with me for more than 3 hours at a time because of the nursing issue, and several emails where she refuses to supply me with pumped milk.

Good tip on the parenting log. Yes, I've been doing that. I've also been taking pictures and videos periodically throughout each visit to show that she's healthy and happy and to show what we're up to.

I hadn't thought about consulting with the pediatrician - that's a great idea and something I'll do ASAP. Thank you!

Thank you for your support and understanding. As you said, my STBex is often all talk and no action. I hope the court is able to see that as well through everything I'm documenting.

[alleyesonme]

Any emails/texts/documented interactions about this? Could be helpful to file away.

Are you keeping any kind of "parenting log" (just for you and your L, not to share with STBx) about how D is doing with you? Naps, eating, play time, discipline, etc?

And at this point, with you guys not divorced, you could just as easily either take D to pediatrician or consult with pediatrician on your own, right? Any chance of having a consult with pediatrician, something low key, like "hey, D is X months old, and I really want the best for her. She seems to do OK going a day w/o breastfeeding, and unfortunately has not been provided w/ breastmilk during that day without. Anything I should be watching for or concerned about? I've been feeding her X, Y, and Z type foods and diaper changes have been going fine" or something like that.

Don't put all your eggs in this basket, as it were, but your intuition is correct that it's just one more instance of your D's mom saying with words that she's all about D but not following up with actions. So, document, get support, get professional consultations, make sure you're doing healthy stuff for D when she's with you. Don't "hang your hat" on this one slice of the pie, but don't discount it, either. It's so frustrating to encounter that other parent proclaiming their exalted status in the child's life and then dropping the ball on care when it matters.

Awesome tips here - thank you for your help!

Yes, I have several emails where my STBex says that our daughter can't be with me for more than 3 hours at a time because of the nursing issue, and several emails where she refuses to supply me with pumped milk.

Good tip on the parenting log. Yes, I've been doing that. I've also been taking pictures and videos periodically throughout each visit to show that she's healthy and happy and to show what we're up to.

I hadn't thought about consulting with the pediatrician - that's a great idea and something I'll do ASAP. Thank you!

Thank you for your support and understanding. As you said, my STBex is often all talk and no action. I hope the court is able to see that as well through everything I'm documenting.

[juju2]

Hi All.

reading the last post, w the nursing becoming the hurdle, at some point i would not want to battle easily overcome issues.

  It's common for parent to leave milk, formula, pumped milk for the caregiver.  So you can give yourself a reprieve around the easily overcome issues.
I think all of the hurdles are about controlling you, not giving you anything that you want...

if this sounds correct...this is easily overcome.

and, you are in a difficult space...

Pray, pray, pray.

God's will be done.

I believe prayers are answered.
Hang in there.

Sincerely

j

[ForeverDad]

I hadn't thought about consulting with the pediatrician - that's a great idea and something I'll do ASAP.

Many of us had spouses, generally mothers, who tried to deny us normal parenting.  In my case, over time I became a familiar face at the hospital records department.  Sure enough, often a week or so before a hearing they'd have a record of her bringing our son to claim I was being abusive in one way or another.  Some of them had her stating, "My son told me..."  It was like she was trying to avoid direct lying but making serious innuendoes.  I concluded she would try to storm into court waving papers confirming her allegations.

I recall going to the pediatrician too and later when I did see those records a lot of what I'd said weren't put into the doctor's records.

So my question is, would you feel comfortable asking the pediatrician, "I'd appreciate whether you'd put my concerns into my son's records, such as my asking for your medical perspective on how her breastfeeding our child at his current age should impact or limit my parenting time, or not, the option for her to send breast milk at exchanges, etc, and the response you just gave me."

The should reduce the risk of the doctor logging "Dad came in and asked some parenting questions and he was satisfied with my answers."  Granted, doctors won't transcribe everything but a generalization like that wouldn't say much to help you if you wanted it to support you in court, should you need it.

[livednlearned]

I like your tip about showing that I'm trying to problem solve. Between all of us here, I really think the only way my STBex would be an adequate parent is to get extensive DBT therapy. Unless she does that, she won't be able to help her need to lash out at the people closest to her, which includes our daughter.

I hate to sound so cynical, but the purpose of proposing solutions isn't necessarily to solve the problem.  

You are the guy who focuses on reasonable solutions. Ex is the person who defies anyone no matter what or why or when.

You are elevating things beyond the he-said, she-said dynamic and instead demonstrating in real time who you are, and who she is, when it comes to sorting out differences.

It's "show me" vs "tell me."

Having said that, you want to propose solutions that are reasonable enough the judge might say, "Let's do that." Even if you don't get the exact outcome you want this first go-around, if the judge picks up your proposal and agrees to (at least some) part of it, then you just made an ally.

About one of the issues coming up in this thread, one solution might be to address breastmilk with one sentence. "Mom is not comfortable with pumping, so dad is willing to provide a meal plan proposed by expert A to ensure D3 gets all her nutrition needs met during his parenting time."

Breastmilk is her issue = one sentence.
Schedule is your issue = lots of sentences.

"Dad is also proposing a graduated parenting plan to help mom adjust to a change in parenting time that reflects what is best for D3, beginning with _____ days for ______ weeks, transitioning to _______ days for ________ weeks by ________ month. Dad has been denied access for 2 years and it is essential that he is given equal parenting time. We are willing to do a graduated plan as long as mom can comply. We do have concerns and respectfully ask the judge to allow dad to make up his time with D3 even if mom denies. Meaning, if dad does not get his time promptly on Tuesday, then he can add that time to the next. We cannot afford to allow any further lapse in parenting time between D3 and dad. Expert B and C and D recommend that children D3s age spend ______% time with dad and she has received only ______% in the 3 years of her life, significantly impacting her emotional and psychological development and bonding with dad."

(On a side note, I wish courts would stop using the word visitation and stick to parenting time, even if it sounds repetitive or awkward.)

Have you come across any parenting classes that can drill down a little deeper? Even if not, they still can't hurt, but they might be limited in their impact with her.

I'm going to guess that your ex will refuse to comply with anything you suggest.

That's the point  

[juju2]

I totally agree with previous post.

take a note from the current press secretary.
She has already scoped out all the possible complaints, red herrings, etc etc etc.

and the judge, whomever they are, no doubt can size up situations quickly.  This is not their first rodeo.

When you go to the pediatrician.  You may want to schedule an appt for yourself, before you bring your dtr.

Let your pediatrician doctor be your ally.  At your appointment, say what is up.  Give all the
details.  This is a future ally.  Let the doctor know of the prev abuse, your idea she may have PD, etc...spill your guts.

Take a notebook.  And, ask if you can bring a tape recorder. Nor record on your phone.  I need to re listen to things to get it. 

Before you make the appt for yourself, when you call the ped ofc, just ask,

"would it be ok. for me to make an appt / consult--for just myself, to get medical advice from the doctor regarding our upcoming divorce and parenting plan.?
I know my insurance doesn't pay, I will pay the consult that day myself..."

Take advantage of any and all potential allies.

(I have been in the med field my entire working life.)

No one I ever met wants a bad outcome for any child...

[kells76]

When you go to the pediatrician.  You may want to schedule an appt for yourself, before you bring your dtr.

Seconding juju2's recommendation as a tactic to keep in mind -- with a slightly different angle to consider, too. You can ALWAYS consult and meet with any child care professional on your own; you don't necessarily have to bring your D with you (though you can). We met with a child counselor on our own, without the kids, back when the kids' mom didn't want them in counseling. It was a way to get professional eyes on a situation where we were being covertly blocked from having professionals observe the kids. We were able to get advice and recommendations for how to help the kids, even though the kids weren't being seen. Yeah, it's a "next best" thing, but keep it in mind.

Let your pediatrician doctor be your ally.  At your appointment, say what is up.  Give all the
details.  This is a future ally.  Let the doctor know of the prev abuse, your idea she may have PD, etc...spill your guts.

Take a notebook.  And, ask if you can bring a tape recorder. Nor record on your phone.  I need to re listen to things to get it.

Before you make the appt for yourself, when you call the ped ofc, just ask,

"would it be ok. for me to make an appt / consult--for just myself, to get medical advice from the doctor regarding our upcoming divorce and parenting plan.?
I know my insurance doesn't pay, I will pay the consult that day myself..."

Take advantage of any and all potential allies.

Totally agree! Great advice. The more support you have, the better your daughter will do.

[alleyesonme]

Haven't had a chance to post here in awhile, but please know how much I appreciate everyone's insight. At the beginning of the divorce process, many people told me to expect lots of ups and downs, and September was absolutely wild in that regard.

Here's a summary of everything that happened, and an overview of where things stand as of today:

1) I decided to fire my attorney for a number of different reasons. I had several consultations with other attorneys, and all of them felt that the legal advice I was getting on one significant issue was way off the mark. My attorney also went on vacation for 10 days without giving me any advance notice, and it just so happened to occur when I needed his counsel the most. Other attorneys I spoke with also had a detailed plan for what they'd do if they represented me. When my attorney returned from vacation, I asked him what his plan was moving forward, and he just said we should sit tight and wait for the GAL's report to come back. There was zero mention of any strategy for what we could do to influence the GAL's opinion before the report was submitted. At that point, I knew I would be going with another attorney, but the question was who it would be.

2) There were two attorneys that were particularly impressive for a number of reasons. That was an extremely difficult decision to make, because not only does the quality of your attorney really play a major role in the outcome of these cases, but once I make one change, I fully realized that it wouldn't be a good look for me to make a second change. So I needed to get this one right. The attorney I chose was the one I had the best gut feeling about.

3) I made plans to move across the state so I could live much closer to where my stbEX is living, thus easing the GAL's concerns about the amount of travel our daughter was having to do. I have since moved.

4) Just as some of you suggested in this thread, I set up a consultation with our daughter's pediatrician, and the meeting couldn't have gone any better. I told him everything our daughter eats and drinks when she's with me, and he was impressed with the healthy foods she's getting. I then explained that my stbEX is using breast-feeding as a reason to keep our daughter from seeing me, and directly asked if our daughter still needs to nurse. He said that there's no reason nutritionally why she still needs to nurse. I then asked if he could clearly log that in his notes, and he said he would. Later that week, I was able to get his office to send those notes to me, and he kept his word. I passed those notes on to our GAL.That was such an awesome tip - thank you all!

5) I had a long meeting with my new attorney. He said that he would reach out to the opposing attorney the following day to discuss increasing my parenting time. He did that the following day, and I was told that my stbEX was open to a 50/50 split for temporary parenting time. This was obviously great news, and my attorney said he'd get it finalized the next morning.

6) The next day, the opposing attorney informed mine that my stbEX would now only agree to a plan that basically amounted to her getting 60% time. This would still be a significant upgrade for me, so our plan was to agree to it and then immediately file a motion for additional parenting time.

7) As that was about to be finalized later that day, the GAL issued his preliminary report, and it was very favorable for me. He said my stbEX had intentionally limited my time with our daughter, that there was no reason to use nursing as an excuse to keep our daughter from me, and that he strongly recommended us immediately switching to a 50/50 split.

8) My stbEX and her attorney have done everything since then to delay as much as possible, taking 2-3 days to respond to calls/messages, playing dumb, continuing to insist on the 60/40 split, etc. A whole week has passed with zero increase in parenting time for me. I know it's coming very soon, but having to wait an extra week on top of what I'd already gone through was beyond frustrating, as I'm sure you can all imagine.

So that's where we are now. I'm assuming the other side will try to continue to stonewall and impose a 60/40 split now, which we'll accept and immediately file a motion to implement the GAL's recommendation. I was so excited and relieved to see the GAL's recommendation, and I know that in the long run, the momentum is all on my side now. It's just yet another challenging twist in this case that she's delaying like this.

[GaGrl]

In spite of the current frustration, this progress is awesome!

How are you feeling now? Has your emotional life improved?

[alleyesonme]

In spite of the current frustration, this progress is awesome!

How are you feeling now? Has your emotional life improved?

Thank you for your support!

Feeling a little better, and will feel much, much better once I start seeing our daughter a lot more. I have less fear of the worst-case scenario now because I have clarity regarding the GAL report and it was favorable for me. I still feel an unbelievable amount of injustice about what has happened and what's still happening, but I know that it's just a matter of time before things change.

[kells76]

Welcome back; so happy to hear your good news! 

Your single-minded focus on your D's well-being is showing through so clearly. She will benefit from your devotion and commitment -- I really see that here:

3) I made plans to move across the state so I could live much closer to where my stbEX is living, thus easing the GAL's concerns about the amount of travel our daughter was having to do. I have since moved.

Super glad your strategy of connecting with the professionals and documenting their feedback paid off.

It's all crazy and draining, and hopefully trending upwards for you and D.

I have less fear of the worst-case scenario now because I have clarity regarding the GAL report and it was favorable for me. I still feel an unbelievable amount of injustice about what has happened and what's still happening, but I know that it's just a matter of time before things change.

That makes a ton of sense right now.

Glad you checked in 

[alleyesonme]

Welcome back; so happy to hear your good news! 

Your single-minded focus on your D's well-being is showing through so clearly. She will benefit from your devotion and commitment -- I really see that here:

Super glad your strategy of connecting with the professionals and documenting their feedback paid off.

It's all crazy and draining, and hopefully trending upwards for you and D.

That makes a ton of sense right now.

Glad you checked in 

Thank you so much for your support and insight!

It's been over a week since the GAL report was submitted, and we still haven't made any progress in terms of getting more parenting time. And for whatever reason, I haven't been able to reach my attorney since Thursday, which is beyond frustrating given how much time I've already lost with our daughter. I'm trying to stay as patient as possible.

[ForeverDad]

Understand that equal time can still leave the question up in the air as to which parent is primary and which is non-primary.

Odds are court will rule joint custody with one parent being the primary parent.  Most likely the mother.  Does it matter?  It will over the years.  It means she can do something and you have to play catch up in court over and over.

This will certainly be an issue when he is enrolled in pre-school or school.  My ex was fighting tooth and nail all during the divorce to obstruct and block.  On Trial Day I arrived and was surprised to learn she was finally willing to settle.  (Later I learned her lawyer had told her she'd lose at trial.)  I was fed up, equal time was assured since that was our Custody Evaluator's recommendation so I stated I'd agree as long as I was parent responsible for school matters, or else proceed with the trial.  How she resisted and begged and cried but she finally gave in.  You should have heard the lawyers, both mine and hers insisted it didn't mean anything.  But it did.  Son was currently in kindergarten in her school, end of year approaching.  If she remained in charge of school it would have been stuck and done nothing.  But after a couple more antics on her part I was notified I had one day to enroll him in my nearby school for the last month of school.  With me there in charge they were able to dump her like a hot potato.  Lawyers were wrong.

[alleyesonme]

Understand that equal time can still leave the question up in the air as to which parent is primary and which is non-primary.

Odds are court will rule joint custody with one parent being the primary parent.  Most likely the mother.  Does it matter?  It will over the years.  It means she can do something and you have to play catch up in court over and over.

This will certainly be an issue when he is enrolled in pre-school or school.  My ex was fighting tooth and nail all during the divorce to obstruct and block.  On Trial Day I arrived and was surprised to learn she was finally willing to settle.  (Later I learned her lawyer had told her she'd lose at trial.)  I was fed up, equal time was assured since that was our Custody Evaluator's recommendation so I stated I'd agree as long as I was parent responsible for school matters, or else proceed with the trial.  How she resisted and begged and cried but she finally gave in.  You should have heard the lawyers, both mine and hers insisted it didn't mean anything.  But it did.  Son was currently in kindergarten in her school, end of year approaching.  If she remained in charge of school it would have been stuck and done nothing.  But after a couple more antics on her part I was notified I had one day to enroll him in my nearby school for the last month of school.  With me there in charge they were able to dump her like a hot potato.  Lawyers were wrong.

Great tip here, and that's a huge deal given the facts of our case. I won't agree to a settlement unless I'm the residential parent for school purposes. If we go to trial, the school district where I live is much better than the one where my stbEX lives, so I would hope that the court would side with me if our child's best interests really do matter.

[alleyesonme]

Chiming in with an update on my situation. Lots of ups and downs, just as you all warned at the beginning. Currently in a really bad period and need things to turn around quickly.

When I got the positive GAL report, I was so relieved. I would get to see our daughter much more any day now, and it felt good to see my stbEX called out for her behavior. I was hoping we could reach an agreement on temporary parenting time of a 50/50 split since the writing was now on the wall for my stbEX, but she still refused to back down from 60/40.

From speaking with several lawyers in my county, I'd been told that the court here almost always sides with the GAL. But even better, the specific GAL we have in our case is an older lady that is the most experienced GAL in our county, and several lawyers told me they'd literally never seen an instance where her recommendations weren't followed by the court to the letter.

Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, and we had a hearing over whether or not to implement the recommendations from the GAL report. The GAL had recommended a 3-4-4-3 schedule that would start immediately. My stbEX's only argument against that was that our daughter had never been away from her for more than 24 hours, so 4 days at a time might be too traumatic for her. My lawyer did a great job of mentioning that we'd also be open to 2-2-2-2, and while my stbEX said she was against that as well, she wasn't able to give any reason for it. My stbEX clearly said that she was fine with me getting 50/50 in the long run, but just didn't want there to be 3 days of separation yet. She requested an unspecified phase in period.

When we left court, I was really excited and fully expected some sort of 50/50 parenting schedule very soon. On Wednesday, the court's decision came out, and I felt like I was trapped in a nightmare. Not only did it not ever give me 50/50 time during the divorce process, but it doesn't even increase my time until April, and the most it ever gives me is about 33%. Between now and February 1, our current schedule stays the same. And then in February and March, I literally get an increase of 3 hours per week from what I'm already getting, which only amounts to about 20%.

This decision was made by a magistrate, and she didn't explain her decision at all, despite the fact that she completely disregarded the GAL's recommendation and ignored testimony from me and my stbEX. We filed the appeal on Friday.

As you can imagine, the last 3 days have been really bad for me. I feel like I've done everything right for this entire process, while my stbEX has done everything wrong, yet she's getting rewarded for it. And knowing how easily temporary orders transition to permanent orders, I'm very scared right now.

Any tips you all can offer?

[ForeverDad]

There were times I wanted to file an appeal.  I recall one was when I felt the new order ought to make exchanges simpler.  We had a 2-2-3 order, often called 2-2-5-5.  (She had Mon-Tue, I had Wed-Thu and we alternated the three-overnight weekends.)  We often had stressful exchanges twice a week and I wanted alternate weeks so we'd only have one scheduled exchange per week.  Then my lawyer reasoned with me, "Do you want the court to think it's okay for your ex to have longer visits with your child?"

In your case, though, an appeal is appropriate.  My state too uses magistrates and sometimes their decisions deserve to be reconsidered or appealed.  I had three magistrates during my years in court from 2005 to 2013, only one was good.  Sadly, we were assigned to her only for our last hearing.  Hmm, I guess that means she was that good, we didn't have to go back during the final four years until my son was an adult.

I'm confused.  Is this your initial temp order, or a modification?  How could she say she'd never been away from her child for more than 24 hours?  Doesn't your current schedule at least assign you the typical dad alternate weekends?  Are the weekends that brief?

EDIT:  I reviewed prior posts, she raised the entitled nursing mother claim.  That approach should have fallen flat, the magistrate should have told her to express her milk and pass it along at exchanges if she felt her milk was that important.  Additionally, your child is a toddler now, about 2.5 years old, right?  Pediatricians recommend nursing for at least 6 months.  While a great concept to continue longer, nursing for a toddler/preschooler isn't a crucial issue and not a deciding issue for a parenting schedule.

[alleyesonme]

There were times I wanted to file an appeal.  I recall one was when I felt the new order ought to make exchanges simpler.  We had a 2-2-3 order, often called 2-2-5-5.  (She had Mon-Tue, I had Wed-Thu and we alternated the three-overnight weekends.)  We often had stressful exchanges twice a week and I wanted alternate weeks so we'd only have one scheduled exchange per week.  Then my lawyer reasoned with me, "Do you want the court to think it's okay for your ex to have longer visits with your child?"

In your case, though, an appeal is appropriate.  My state too uses magistrates and sometimes their decisions deserve to be reconsidered or appealed.  I had three magistrates during my years in court from 2005 to 2013, only one was good.  Sadly, we were assigned to her only for our last hearing.  Hmm, I guess that means she was that good, we didn't have to go back during the final four years until my son was an adult.

I'm confused.  Is this your initial temp order, or a modification?  How could she say she'd never been away from her child for more than 24 hours?  Doesn't your current schedule at least assign you the typical dad alternate weekends?  Are the weekends that brief?

EDIT:  I reviewed prior posts, she raised the entitled nursing mother claim.  That approach should have fallen flat, the magistrate should have told her to express her milk and pass it along at exchanges if she felt her milk was that important.  Additionally, your child is a toddler now, about 2.5 years old, right?  Pediatricians recommend nursing for at least 6 months.  While a great concept to continue longer, nursing for a toddler/preschooler isn't a crucial issue and not a deciding issue for a parenting schedule.

This is our initial temporary order. Long story short, but I got the default standard order of parenting time back in June before we ever had a hearing, because that's what our court does whenever the child is residing with only one of the parents. A few days later, we had a scheduled hearing, but came to an agreement the night before that would immediately get me seeing our daughter much more frequently. This agreement was to remain in place until the GAL provided a recommendation.

Up until that agreement, I was getting 5-10 hours per week tops. My L at the time advised me to take her offer - which would scale up to 32 hours per week, including a 24 hour overnight. My L said that if we refused and had the hearing, the court wouldn't do anything until the GAL issued a recommendation, which could be months. I've had a bunch of 24 hour overnights, and one ended up being 30 hours, but nothing more than that. What we agreed to gave me slightly more time on a per week average than the standard order would have, and it also stipulated that neither party is the custodian, whereas the standard order would have set the precedent of making her the custodian.

You're 100% right as to the age of our child and the nursing excuse my stbEX has been using. And as you and others recommended, I even consulted with our pediatrician and got him to send a report to the GAL saying that there aren't any nutritional needs for our daughter to nurse at this point and that she's getting proper nutrients with me. My stbEX testified that she isn't able to pump anymore, which only happened because she refused to try pumping for the last 2 years. But even without pumping, our daughter is perfectly fine and healthy to go longer periods without it. Our GAL isn't buying the nursing excuse at all, and clearly called her out on that in her report.

I have no idea how this is happening, and am praying that the appeal will be addressed quickly and go in our favor.