My uBPD and control

[Schmem_25]

Hello all!

It has been a while since I last posted. I recently was triggered by my uBPD, and wanted to share. Feeling a little hopeless and depressed, maybe someone could relate.

Yesterday I was at work and had some down time, so I decided to call my dad and see how he has been doing. It's been a couple of weeks since we have spoken. I accidentally called my mom! (their numbers are very similar) we are not NC, but I have been having limited contact for my own emotional health, as conversations with her are so very draining. Right away, she went in about how much she missed me, and then jumped in about how she had heard that I had told my brother's fiance that I would not be her bridesmaid in solidarity with her (my mom hates fiance). 

*Long story short, my brother's fiance does not get along with my mother (to say it lightly, and not surprisingly), she might have similar mental health issues herself, and my brother and her have been NC with my mom for about a year now. My brother's fiance asked me to be her bridesmaid, and I said no, because I am not very close with her and felt it would be kind of awkward after she asked my other brother's wife to be her bridesmaid and then took back the offer later (gah). I told her that I was "working on my relationship with my mom", as a way to kind of ease the blow of telling her that I wouldn't be her bridesmaid, and ultimately, I learned through therapy that this was a bad move on my part in terms of my own entanglement with my mom. I recognize now that this gave power back to my mom, and now I know that I won't be doing that again! She doesn't own me and my choices!*

Anyway, somehow, I think my other very entangled sister told my mother that I had said that she was the reason I said no (which is only part of the reason I cited), and my mom on the phone went on about how "happy I was to hear that you were thinking about me!". I was quite taken aback to say the least. The bridesmaid situation all went down months ago, so I hadn't thought about it in a while and definitely didn't want my mother to find out that she had control over me in this situation (backpedal backpedal). I tried to tell her, "Mom, I love you and all, and no offense, but you were kind of an excuse, and I wish I hadn't used you as an excuse, I actually would have been her bridesmaid if I had wanted to, but I didn't want to because of my own personal reasons. And I will be attending their wedding by the way..." I think she was kind of taken aback and probably upset to hear that, but ultimately she said, "Oh honey, well I'm just glad you thought about me."

I don't know why, but I feel like I reverted again. I know I did when I used her as an excuse with my brother's fiance, but now I feel like I mucked it all up again. It's funny too, that this all came back to bite me, months later, and that this is the reason why my mom is missing me so much. I don't want her to have that power over me. She doesn't. Feeling FOG.

[pursuingJoy]

I know how triggering communication like this can be. 

I don't want her to have that power over me. She doesn't. Feeling FOG.

I kind of landed here. Is it real when it's real to us, or when the pwBPD actually gets it? Whether she has power over you is always your choice. It doesn't hinge on her reality, because her reality will probably always be a little off.

What she believes might make things sticky for a hot minute and require more boundary setting. Can you anticipate how this might play out? Future conversations, and how you'll address them?

[Methuen]

I told her that I was "working on my relationship with my mom", as a way to kind of ease the blow of telling her that I wouldn't be her bridesmaid

Oh dear.  Yes this is one of those times to remember that less is more, truly, especially when there are difficult family dynamics.  My motto is never tell anyone anything personal, which could be used against me.  Be careful who you trust, and what you share.  

my mom on the phone went on about how "happy I was to hear that you were thinking about me!". I was quite taken aback to say the least. The bridesmaid situation all went down months ago, so I hadn't thought about it in a while and definitely didn't want my mother to find out that she had control over me in this situation (backpedal backpedal). I tried to tell her, "Mom, I love you and all, and no offense, but you were kind of an excuse, and I wish I hadn't used you as an excuse, I actually would have been her bridesmaid if I had wanted to, but I didn't want to because of my own personal reasons. And I will be attending their wedding by the way..." I think she was kind of taken aback and probably upset to hear that, but ultimately she said, "Oh honey, well I'm just glad you thought about me."

What you actually did here was JADE (explain), and that is invalidating to BPD's, right?   I can see where this all went south for you, but instead of saying "oh honey I'm just glad you thought about me", she could have started yelling a screaming all kinds of nasty stuff, but she didn't, so that's something to be thankful for.  I would just let this one go...kind of like a leaf that floats away down the creek...and then it's gone.  Whoosh.

I don't know why, but I feel like I reverted again. I know I did when I used her as an excuse with my brother's fiance, but now I feel like I mucked it all up again. It's funny too, that this all came back to bite me, months later, and that this is the reason why my mom is missing me so much. I don't want her to have that power over me. She doesn't. Feeling FOG.

My friend, you didn't really "muck it up"... we're all learning on the fly and by the seat of our pants.  We can't always get it "perfectly right" the first time, or every time.  That's not reasonable to expect of ourselves.  How to navigate a BPD relationship is a learning process, and it takes practice, just like the basketball player who shoots hoops over and over again every day, for years.  So, forgive yourself for missing a hoop.  Just keep practicing.  Reflecting back on it all, what would you do differently if you could time travel and rewind the clock, to avoid these feelings, and feel more in control of things so you could feel more positive than negative?  What could you have done or said when she surprised you and said..." how happy I was to hear that you were thinking about me!"?