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Author Topic: Having a very hard time  (Read 527 times)
BrokenNHurt1723

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« on: August 19, 2020, 12:40:40 PM »

My wife an i have been together for over 12 years married for 3. She was diagnosed about 6 years ago but only recently started to get any help having to deal with her BPD.
 
Since March she has been seeing another guy she has removed me from our apartment, it was a struggle to get my belongs out because every step of the way she was not being reasonable or only seeing her side. I love this woman...i have for years and I want my wife back, I want my family back.
We are still converting, but it hurts because she keeps lying and manipulating the world around her and not seeing or taking accountability for her actions. She has only recently (3 weeks ago) started DPT therapy and more then anything I am very proud of her for finally getting the help she needs an deserves. But I fear that she isn't working as hard as she could be to better herself.

I am honestly more lost then I have ever been. I have read "Stop walking on eggshells" vol 2 and as much as it helps me I need some more advice. I dont know what to anymore, I want to stay with her but I don't know how much my heart or head can take anymore.

Please.
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

pursuingJoy
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« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2020, 02:59:15 PM »

BrokennHurt, welcome.  Welcome new member (click to insert in post) I know your heart is breaking. I'm sorry you're going through this. You'll find this to be a supportive, safe place as you work through this season of your life. Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

It's a positive sign that she's in therapy! Is she open to getting back together, as far as you know?

The best thing you can do for your relationship with her is to heal and achieve a measure of stability. That comes with time and work. Reading SWOE and joining us here are a good start. Do you have any other supports in place - friends, a therapist, family?
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
BrokenNHurt1723

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married/separated
Posts: 8


« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2020, 08:24:47 PM »

I have a few amount of supportive friends most do not understand what is going on mentally with her and empathize more with trying to get me to feel better and not about fixing our marriage. I do see a therapist who knows and understands BPD, and my mother and uncle are very supportive as well. They both have either read a few book prior or are reading books now to try an help the situation.

As far as I know she is open to the idea of rekindling our relationship, but one of the hardest facts in this is she is seeing another guy while all of this is going. So what she tells me is that she is confused as to how she's feels about the new guy. I have a harder time dealing with this factor then many of the other symptoms.

We do have a VERY rocky history, due to MANY bad things that I have done to her. But I am trying an showing her that I am in the process of changing an becoming a better individual for not only myself but for her an us. I do understand that lately she has been splitting and seeing either all good or all bad. Yelling at me for things that happened 6, 7 years ago. Trying to justify her actions now based of things I have done years ago.

I am here for more support, to gain some more knowledge about BPD and maybe to keep the hope that is quickly fading about us getting back together and having a successful marriage.
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2020, 07:00:45 AM »

I have a few amount of supportive friends most do not understand what is going on mentally with her and empathize more with trying to get me to feel better and not about fixing our marriage. I do see a therapist who knows and understands BPD, and my mother and uncle are very supportive as well. They both have either read a few book prior or are reading books now to try an help the situation.
Sounds like a solid support system.  With affection (click to insert in post)

As far as I know she is open to the idea of rekindling our relationship, but one of the hardest facts in this is she is seeing another guy while all of this is going. So what she tells me is that she is confused as to how she's feels about the new guy. I have a harder time dealing with this factor then many of the other symptoms.
This is so hard, but seems like a common story with BPD.

You expressed concern that she might not be doing all she needs to do to better herself. What do you mean by that?

We do have a VERY rocky history, due to MANY bad things that I have done to her. But I am trying an showing her that I am in the process of changing an becoming a better individual for not only myself but for her an us. I do understand that lately she has been splitting and seeing either all good or all bad. Yelling at me for things that happened 6, 7 years ago. Trying to justify her actions now based of things I have done years ago.
What happened 6 or 7 years ago?
 
I am here for more support, to gain some more knowledge about BPD and maybe to keep the hope that is quickly fading about us getting back together and having a successful marriage.

Hope can be painful but worth it.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post) People have walked this road before you and survived, even thrived. Check out a few success stories to boost your morale: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=113820.0 

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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
BrokenNHurt1723

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married/separated
Posts: 8


« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2020, 07:31:43 AM »

She has only just begun her DPT therapy (5 weeks an one session a week so far) and i know the process takes time. Her therapist has given her a few books to read and she hasn't even looked at them. The only reason I know this is because when I do get a chance to see her ive asked her about them and she then has a fit on me telling me that I need to let her fix herself on her own time.

As far as our rocky past. I will not say this lightly and I am now honest with myself and others because I know I have caused a great deal of her pain. But, I have lied to her manipulated her, cheated on her, abused her emotionally and physically .Almost 3 years ago when we got married i made a vow to myself to change and not be the person I was to her back in the day. Each day is a struggle for myself as well because I try to take it step by step and until recently it was minor baby steps. Once it came to light that she was cheating on me and wanted to leave me, that was when I started to try and "run" instead of taking baby steps.

Also not knowing how to deal with certain trigger she had or emotionally outbursts she had made this process slow for me. We were like chemicals causing an explosion. And only recently since I now know how to not make things worse I feel like I am making strides. But that's where she still thinks back to when I use to lie to her cheat on her and abuse her. She is worried that in time I will go back to who I use to be and not even willing to let me show her I won't. Even for myself that is not healthy for me.

I know over a thousand percent that I have wronged her in many ways and I feel like I am paying the price now. I want to do better I want to get better i am doing what I feel is my best to get to that place in my life where I am not that monster I use to be to her. If I did not care about this relationship or her I would not be doing all of these steps to try an help myself , her an our marriage.
« Last Edit: August 21, 2020, 07:38:09 AM by BrokenNHurt1723 » Logged
pursuingJoy
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« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2020, 09:00:15 AM »

The only reason I know this is because when I do get a chance to see her ive asked her about them and she then has a fit on me telling me that I need to let her fix herself on her own time.
She's technically right, but you're also in a painful position, needing change, and it's coming too slowly.

What do you have control over?

As far as our rocky past. I will not say this lightly and I am now honest with myself and others because I know I have caused a great deal of her pain. But, I have lied to her manipulated her, cheated on her, abused her emotionally and physically

Once it came to light that she was cheating on me and wanted to leave me, that was when I started to try and "run" instead of taking baby steps.
My H did much of the same to his ex-wife. I know he hurt her and their relationship, but from my vantage point, I also see the damage he did to himself. He violated his values and it made him question whether he's a good person or not. Shame drove some really unhealthy, codependent behavior with his ex. An innocent question from me about where he was would trigger a reaction because he was hurting. I saw a strong man who made a mistake because he was hurting deeply.  Maybe none of this applies, just thought I'd share what I see from my point of view.

You're accepting reality, you're working to understand and change the behavior. I hope you're working equally hard to be kind to yourself and sort through what it means to set healthy boundaries.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

And only recently since I now know how to not make things worse I feel like I am making strides.

Do you feel stronger and better equipped?

But that's where she still thinks back to when I use to lie to her cheat on her and abuse her.
That's pretty normal. It will take consistent action, patience and a long time to heal broken trust. 

She is worried that in time I will go back to who I use to be and not even willing to let me show her I won't. Even for myself that is not healthy for me.

Can you talk more about why it isn't healthy for you?

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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
BrokenNHurt1723

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married/separated
Posts: 8


« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2020, 11:16:12 AM »

I feel like the only thing I really have control over is myself and the process in which I am going through. Her process i am being supportive and trying to drive her to succeed in her therapy.

Reading your PoV it seems like some of what you said applies. I am definitely accepting reality and responsibility for my actions in the past, but I feel like because we met so young (I was 18 she was 16) that a large amount of the hurtful things i did to her was because i was an adolescent and immature. She was the one that lached on to me due to her home life was not that great.

I have been trying to be kind to myself but i have so much self hate towards who I use ti be that sometimes I find it very hard. As well as i am trying to put up boundaries, but that is also something I find very difficult. Sometime I will try to explain how i feel and a boundary I would like and she gets into a rage because she feels like I don't deserve to feel that way because of how much I hurt her in the past.

I definitely do feel stronger an more equipped to not only help myself deal with this situation but also to try an help her with this situation.

I have no problem with this process taking time and it taking her a while to forgive me if she ever does or atleast to maybe heal the broken trust. I would just like this other guy that is in the picture at the moment to not be and that is one of my biggest problems right now. How can she see a change in me or my actions when she is confused on who she wants in her life.

The person i was years ago and even a few month ago is not healthy for me and myself because, it is not right for anyone to abuse someone in a relationship. I was also a violent drunk an took it upon myself to stop drinking completely, trying to better my health an mental health all in one.
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BrokenNHurt1723

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married/separated
Posts: 8


« Reply #7 on: September 01, 2020, 10:12:15 AM »

So yet again I am going through the same circle ...I have told my wife to just be honest with me about when she is seeing the guy shes cheating on me with ...she fabricates stories telling me she's going on a walk alone an he's gonna come over later to pick something up...then I find out she went on a walk w him an lied about it and she blames me for not telling her what's on my mind an whats borthing me. Why do I have to tell her that her lying is upsetting me ...why can't she just think...oh I lied maybe thats why your upset with me ...then she has a fit because she got caught an blames EVERYTHING on me and im casuing her fit to get worse ...we don't talk all night an this morning she messages me saying she loves me an that shes a horrible wife an she wants me back.

Do she not understand how much this is breaking my heart an my soul...does she really not understand what shes doing because this is really taking a huge toll on me and breaking me down to the point where I don't want to exist anymore.

There's a line from a song I listen too that says "will you tell the truth, so I don't have to lie" ...it really hurts that she can't just come out an tell me instead of trying to force me into telling her what's wrong ...I don't think I can keep doing this anymore
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #8 on: September 01, 2020, 10:32:33 AM »

Why do I have to tell her that her lying is upsetting me ...why can't she just think...oh I lied maybe thats why your upset with me

There's a line from a song I listen too that says "will you tell the truth, so I don't have to lie"

It would be nice if the people we loved just 'got it.' I know this is hard.

Communicating our feelings, and the limits associated with our feelings, is our responsibility in the relationship. Always.

What our partner chooses to do with that information is their responsibility. Always.

Have you expressed to her that the lying hurts? Have you verbalized your limits regarding the lying? Would you be able to say, "I value trust in a relationship. When you lie, it breaks trust. If you choose to continue to lie, I will choose ____ (fill in the blank with appropriate boundary that feels authentic to you.)" And then be prepared to follow through. Actions speak louder than words.

At this point, she can probably tell you're upset, but you're also just going along with it. This is sending the message that her behavior isn't that big a deal.
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
BrokenNHurt1723

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married/separated
Posts: 8


« Reply #9 on: September 01, 2020, 11:24:16 AM »

I have verbally told her that the lying hurts and I have been letting her see the guy shes been cheating on me with ...with one boundary...which was to be honest with me when shes seeing him but every week she tells me she being honest an shes not. She is completely ignoring the fact that she is manipulating the entire story for her favor then she get caught goes into a fit an blames me for putting her in a fit for not telling her that im hurt by her lying...the last two time this has happened I told her exactly that (I value trust an just want that respect) and she can not follow through so now as much as it really hurts me I have to cut communication with her...and our 3 year wedding anniversary is coming up in 22 days
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pursuingJoy
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« Reply #10 on: September 01, 2020, 11:42:51 AM »

every week she tells me she being honest an shes not.

Do you know for a fact that she is lying?

It's really common for people to minimize and misrepresent what they're doing, especially if they're ashamed and know on some level that what they're doing is wrong. It's hurtful, and most of us do it on some level.

as much as it really hurts me I have to cut communication with her

Was this what you expressed you'd need to do if she lied again? It's really important to follow through with boundaries, otherwise we're sending confusing messages.

I know this is hard. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
BrokenNHurt1723

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married/separated
Posts: 8


« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2020, 12:02:48 PM »

Yes I do know for a fact shes lying. Maybe for the reason you stated that she knows it will hurt me an that shes ashamed but now I'm hurt and each week its the same circle with no real consequences. I have evidence and proof that she was lying.

And yes last week we had an incident where the same thing happened she lied right to my face but she tells me she just didn't tell me everything. (But that is one of my boundaries) I had told her that if she lies to me again I will cut communication with her. Sunday she does the same thing again. So I must follow through otherwise I feel like the same cycle will happen again next week.
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« Reply #12 on: September 09, 2020, 02:51:58 AM »

youre trying to live in a world where its cool if she has an affair, as long as she tells you the details: when shes with him, and where.

its messy, unrealistic, and awkward for you and for her.

focusing on lies of omission is really missing the forest for the trees.

(correct me if im wrong) you and your wife have been separated for at least six months, and she has been seeing someone else during that time; its a long time...a long time to be separated, and a reasonably long relationship.

trying to get her to be forthcoming about the relationship is just like attaching a weight to her ankle. shes going to mindlessly kick it off.

valuing and wanting respect is more about putting yourself in a respectable position than asking for it, not receiving it, and asking for it again. you dont let someone slap you in the face and gently tell them that slapping hurts, please dont.

i know that this is breaking your heart. ive been there. i say all of this to suggest that the current approach is resulting in more heartbreak.

having said that, the current situation is several months in the making, and your relationship with her has damage that is several years in the making. reversing this will be hard. dramatic gestures like cutting off communication are not going to will her to respect you, or save your relationship.

lets go back to the beginning.

tell us more about the breakup and what happened, and where and how the affair plays a role in that.

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BrokenNHurt1723

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: married/separated
Posts: 8


« Reply #13 on: September 13, 2020, 10:30:44 PM »

I found out about the affair when one of our mutual friends had slipped up to me when drunk. Me. And her were still living together and not separated at that point. That was 3 months into her seeing someone. We had a huge fight where she says that she won't be able to forgive me for my past so thats why this happened.
     Then we separated and I moved out but she still wanted me in her life. We tried it with honesty and she kept breaking all my trust. Now we are still trying up until our anniversary which is this month and only up until this week has she been honesty with me (I'd hope atleast)
       But thought all of this happening she has only just started a DPT therapy as well as when group started it become to time consuming for her and she dropped out. Now is going to see a BPD specialist psychologist instead so it could be more flexible around her time schedule (with school 2 jobs and her normal therapy as well)

I am mostly afraid to stop communicating because she still has not gotten the help she needs things become to stressful for her and she stops always.
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« Reply #14 on: September 16, 2020, 12:16:33 AM »

Excerpt
We do have a VERY rocky history

people with bpd traits have inherent trust issues.

Excerpt
I have caused a great deal of her pain. But, I have lied to her manipulated her, cheated on her, abused her emotionally and physically .Almost 3 years ago when we got married i made a vow to myself to change and not be the person I was to her back in the day.
...
she says that she won't be able to forgive me for my past so thats why this happened.

and the relationship itself, was built on a rocky foundation.

i dont say any of this to judge you. i did a number of things in my relationship that i regret enormously.

but these are things that set a precedent, and a tone, that your relationship was built upon. and just because they stopped, doesnt mean that healing occurred, or that trust was built, in the process.

on top of that, she had an affair that she kept secret for three months, and the two of you are separated for six months.

there is no trust between the two of you. expecting that she will be upfront with you about her relationship is futile, even damaging, and she will see it as controlling.

what im trying to get across here is that what is needed to heal the rift (if possible) is enormous, and its probably going to require a very different game plan that is not at all going to feel great.

i think that the first step is to accept that shes in a six month long relationship; that is fairly established. right now, whatever she says, that is her priority. if you fight it, if you are involved in pretty much any way, you will minimize your chances. your best bet is to let it play out, whether it succeeds or fails. your involvement, if anything, pushes her toward him, increases the likelihood of its success. if i were you, i would operate under a "dont ask, dont tell" policy. you dont want to know.

its potentially good news that shes back in therapy. if i were you, i would jump into therapy myself. it will help sort things out, it will indirectly show a serious investment in the relationship, and in yourself, that will be attractive to her, and beneficial to you.
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