Future concerns with good-hearted BPD girlfriend

[spark_80]

I have a wonderful relationship with my beautiful girlfriend with BPD. She took therapy years ago, watches videos everyday to improve herself, but doesn't use any medication. She is very sensitive to stress and she has problems with negative responses.
We don't have much problems in communication. I know what can trigger her episodes, I stay away from them and I provide all support that I can give. She says that I am the best person she has ever met.
However, the anger in her eyes for very small things horrifies me.
Her looks and eyes becomes so full of anger like a serial killer in these moments. After some time, she turns back to normal.
I have concerns about the relationship because of these responses. I can handle them to a certain level, but how about her being a mother?
Sometimes I think that we don't have big problems because she is needy and I provide her whatever she needs from a partner. But, when it comes to raising a child, she needs to be the provider. Can she be capable for this? I don't want my future child to cope with the same problems that she had for all her life.
You can openly share your positive and negative experiences and opinions. I need advise of more knowledgeable and experienced people.
Thanks for your time.

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[pursuingJoy]

hi Spark!  Welcome!

You ask a really good question. What stands out to me is that your girlfriend takes her diagnosis seriously. From what I've read here, that willingness to seek treatment is a huge indicator of success in relationships. Combined with your patience and willingness to meet her needs, I can see why your relationship works.

Have you two discussed having kids? What do the conversations sound like?

I was married to an NPD. First child, he basked in the light of community attention, so he did well. Second child, community covered me and new baby, and he was relegated to caring for the 2 yr old. He became disengaged and hateful.

What parts of parenting may trigger her? Is there anything you can do (like set up a strong support network) to help prevent or counter the effects of dysregulation when it happens?

[spark_80]

hi Spark!  Welcome!

You ask a really good question. What stands out to me is that your girlfriend takes her diagnosis seriously. From what I've read here, that willingness to seek treatment is a huge indicator of success in relationships. Combined with your patience and willingness to meet her needs, I can see why your relationship works.

Have you two discussed having kids? What do the conversations sound like?

I was married to an NPD. First child, he basked in the light of community attention, so he did well. Second child, community covered me and new baby, and he was relegated to caring for the 2 yr old. He became disengaged and hateful.

What parts of parenting may trigger her? Is there anything you can do (like set up a strong support network) to help prevent or counter the effects of dysregulation when it happens?

We discussed having kids briefly. She wants it and believes that she can handle it. But, she has no experience it this.

It seems like stressful conditions with the kid can trigger her symptoms. Probably when she gets angry, she can overreact and be impulsive. These can damage the kid's personal development. I have no idea with other possible difficulties.

We live in a country different than my home country. I don't have much network to support us. We can have some support from the state since it is a welfare country, but it will be very limited I guess.

I see that you had problems in raising your kid. I believe that there will be inescapable problems, especially in a relationship with people who have special conditions.

Thanks for your answer.

[pursuingJoy]

Not trying to minimize what comes with raising a child, but have you considered getting a pet to get a feel for how she handles it? Something higher maintenance that requires care and patience.

She sounds self-aware. I'm wondering if she might come to her own conclusions about her abilities if you could put yourselves in situations that mimic parenting.

[spark_80]

Not trying to minimize what comes with raising a child, but have you considered getting a pet to get a feel for how she handles it? Something higher maintenance that requires care and patience.

She sounds self-aware. I'm wondering if she might come to her own conclusions about her abilities if you could put yourselves in situations that mimic parenting.

Having a pet can be a good idea, but not possible at the moment.

Her requirement to mimic parenting is my biggest fear. We don't have the luxury to let her learn parenting with our first kid. She has to be capable of dealing with the problems of the child when I am not around because I can't be around all the time
What happens when the child starts crying in the middle of the night? Is she going to feel too much stressed and stop caring about the child and mind only herself again?

[pursuingJoy]

We don't have the luxury to let her learn parenting with our first kid.

To be fair, most of us learned parenting with our first kid, but I fully validate that BPD complicates this.

She has to be capable of dealing with the problems of the child when I am not around because I can't be around all the time
What happens when the child starts crying in the middle of the night? Is she going to feel too much stressed and stop caring about the child and mind only herself again?

It might be important that BPD's are absolutely capable of love. What they struggle with is a crippling fear of abandonment and rejection.

From reading the experiences of those raised by a BPD mother, it wasn't the lack of physical care early in life as much as it was the emotional turmoil as they grew up. Have you read any books about being raised by a borderline mother? It might be worth looking into?

What stands out to me is that you're not ready, and I think that's reason enough to simply say, 'not yet.' Will she be ok with that for now?

[spark_80]

To be fair, most of us learned parenting with our first kid, but I fully validate that BPD complicates this.

It might be important that BPD's are absolutely capable of love. What they struggle with is a crippling fear of abandonment and rejection.

From reading the experiences of those raised by a BPD mother, it wasn't the lack of physical care early in life as much as it was the emotional turmoil as they grew up. Have you read any books about being raised by a borderline mother? It might be worth looking into?

What stands out to me is that you're not ready, and I think that's reason enough to simply say, 'not yet.' Will she be ok with that for now?

Yes, I am not ready either yet because our relationships just started (few months). After learning her condition and saw some daily symptoms, I immediately started reading about  this condition. Thanks for the suggestion and I will read those books.

From what I've read so far, mother-child relationship in first 4 years is especially important in the development of child's identity. She has traumas in this period and there is a high probability that her mother suffers from the same condition.

Is the emotional turmoil that you've mentioned similar or it starts in later years?

[pursuingJoy]

From what I've read so far, mother-child relationship in first 4 years is especially important in the development of child's identity. She has traumas in this period and there is a high probability that her mother suffers from the same condition.

Is the emotional turmoil that you've mentioned similar or it starts in later years?

The classic BPD mother uses excessive shame, fear, obligation and guilt to manipulate her child into meeting her needs. I do think the early formative years are critical to set the stage, and from what I've read here, the emotional turmoil can continue throughout their lifetime. My H's mother is BPD. At 46, he has not yet found the strength to untangle himself from her, face his wounds, or accept that her behavior is unacceptable and damaging. Others here have found support, been successful in disentangling, and maintain successful (boundaried) relationships with their BPD parents.

As with any disorder, BPD is on a scale. The level to which the children are impacted by her behavior is influenced by her self-awareness and willingness to seek healing and therapy, support measures for the children, a spouse who models healthy boundaries, etc. Take your time, read, and it might be helpful to talk to a therapist (together) before taking this step to have children. Definitely not something to rush into.