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Author Topic: Completely confused after a breakup - BPD accused me of having NPD  (Read 279 times)
dindin
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« on: August 22, 2020, 10:57:05 AM »

Recently I posted this topic: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=345947.0

Just to recap, my partner with diagnosed BPD, all of a sudden accused me of cheating and just disappeared for a couple of days. Later, to the extent that I avoided JADE-ing, she opened up. I tried validating her feelings, that it must be bad to feel that someone is cheating on you, and eventually she just dropped the whole cheating things, and the discussion came to the fact that she was completely dissatisfied with the relationship.

She basically said that I am so self-centered and self-absorbed, that I have an explosive temperament, that she became frightened to do anything against me. To have a different opinion. She claimed I am narcissistic.

When it comes to her accusation of me having an NDP: at the beginning of the relationship she confided that she was diagnosed with BPD, that she was hospitalized for it, self-harmed, substances, etc. the whole nine yards. I didn't know what BPD was, but knew it was similar or the same group as NPD, and jokingly I said: "no worries, when I was in therapy for some minor depression 10 years ago, the therapist said I might have NPD". Which was in the context of a young therapist (not psychiatrist) just making a remark while trying to assess my state when I said I don't like criticism. That was it. I have never been diagnosed with NPD, no one ever mentioned it to me after that, it was just a talking point with which I wanted to relate to her. And boy, did she keep that information in her memory. And I do regret telling her that.

And, to be honest, I am a somewhat easy to anger, but I honestly think, that I am not more controlling than the average person. But she reiterated that accusation so many times over the course of our relationship that I am really losing my mind. I start to suspect that maybe I am the monster that she thinks I am, and the failed relationship is my fault.

After she said it, she deleted all our pictures from facebook, publically announced she was single, and that was it. The relationship is over.

I'll give you a few examples of her using the you-have-NPD card. Of course this is my perspective, I try to be honest, but please challenge me on anything here. I want to know what was going on.

  • The first time she accused me of NPD, was when she wanted to visit a relative. That relative's roommate was married but I found from a mutual friend that he had an affair with my partner before we met. I asked her about this and she said that they are only friends and nothing ever happened. She basically lied. Having found out about the lie, I was angry and said I don't want her to travel there alone and spend time with that cheating-guy, as it made me uncomfortable seeing as she lied about it. And since this was a very close relative that she wanted to visit, I wanted to compromise, and said that it's not a problem if you want me around, we can sleep in a hotel and visit your relative. But she accused me of being controlling and this being a prime example of my NPD. She never let go over the resentment that I am blocking her freedom, although even in those circumstances I offered, what I believed to be a reasonable compromise. Was this an NPD behaviour on my part?
  • Another thing was money. Money was very tight, she didn't work, and we lived together. I struggled to make ends meet for both of us, I covered all expenses seeing as she was trying to find a job. Then she repeatedlly went out shopping with her mom. They come from a well-off family. Her mom bought her some clothes and an expensive piece of jewellery. I was kinda angry, because I was often judged for spending some money on my hobbies instead of dates, etc. I told her basically this: listen I am busting my ass here, you judge me for spending a fraction of what I spend on you, and you accept expensive gifts, when just as well you could have asked your mom, if she wanted to give you a present, for some cash to put in your share. I was angry, I wouldn't even have been if she hadn't previously chastised me for spending money on my hobby. But it just didn't seem fair if we agreed on joint finances. She agreed, but kept the presents, and resented me ever since for mentioning that. She said I cannot accept how her family functions. Was this an NPD behaviour on my part?

And recently, what led to the breakup. From the start, I felt she was very controlling, in a way, she would comment on how I dressed (not good enough, angry I went shopping without her), how I cooked (wrong way of preparing food), what I ate (unhealthy), how fast I ate (too fast, it affects me when you eat that way), even what kind of vehicle I drive. She'd say "normal people have a car first, but you drive a motorcycle, which is totally impractical, if you want to be a good partner, you'd get a driving licence for a car, because that way we could go on trips, etc." I struggle with cars, alright, I told her as much, it is hard for me to get that driving license, for whatever reason. I am just content with my motorcycle, see no point in spending extra cash for another vehicle. If you want to go on trips, we can fly there or get a train. I see your point, but I'll get that driving licence when I am ready for it. But that was a point of contention. I was never good enough with "just a motorcycle".

She'd comment on how much I work (it's less than full time, but she complained I don't have time for her), or that I don't want to spend time with her (we saw eachother 5-6 times a week). Apartment I lived in was too PLEASE READty for her taste. And lately, there were crazy problems, like where she would be angry at me, if on our 3 day trip, I'd spend 10 minutes alone reading ("why don't you sit here with me and read").

Up to that point I was trying to please her, and even when my anger was through the roof, when, for example, she would berate me for not answering my phone at work, I tried to explain it, tried to find a reason for her emotions, and still tell her that I need to work, need space, etc. But that lead to the old-time favourite: "you cannot accept I have a different opinion than you. You are too sensitive, and always a victim."

I literally couldn't take it anymore, and started to avoid these discussions, whenever she did something controlling, I'd just say "I told you about crossing that boundry, I feel like I'm being controlled and I'm just going home." I wasn't ignoring her, I wasn't stone-walling, I wasn't rejecting her, I just went home. Wanted to be alone. It worked like a charm, she actually started to listen and respect it. But for all the wrong reasons. She literally thought that I was mad with her, that I didn't love her, and couldn't stand her. I was naive in thinking that this worked. I felt closer to her more than ever, when she started to not comment on my clothes, etc. But she wasn't listening to me, or respecting that boundry, she was starting to detach.

Let me give you an example:
We were supposed to go for a short half-a-day trip. It was a hot day, almost 37 degrees celsius (98.6 F) in the car that doesn't have air conditioning. I was starting to feel bad, I don't like hot weather that much. I told her: "It's too hot for me to go on this trip, if you want go on without me, have a good time, but I just cannot go." All she said was: it's not that hot. I kept repeating myself, because I wanted to get off that car. She kept treaing me like a child, and said: "see I opened the window, it's not that bad, is it?" I became more and more irritated, that she wouldn't listen to my decision that concerned only me. I kept saying the same thing for over 30 minutes, and just couldn't stand it, both the heat, and that she didn't listen to me. Finally I said, "that is enough for me, I want you to listen to me, if you cannot do that for me, I don't feel like hanging out with you. I never controlled and said you couldn't go, I'm happy you planned this trip, I'll plan the next one, but I'm jutst not feeling well in this heat. And you are not listening, I am going home."

She cited situations like this "car incident" as the reason for the breakup. She said I never appreciate what she does - which is not true, whenever she comes up with a good date, I tell her how much I enjoyed myself and how much I love her". I sent her gifts to work, gave her flowers. I just didn't feel like spending 100% time together lately, only 5-6 days a wekk... And most of all, she said she is afraid of what I might say, or when I become angry. But I never became frustrated or angry without her disrespecting my basic need to be my own man, and let her decide my every move. Which basically comes down to: she is affraid I'm gonna get frustrated when she oversteps on my boundry. But that is backwards thinking, I wouldn't be angry or frustrated if she treated me like an adult. Or am I really oversensitive as she say? Or NPD?  

On our shared laptop, I found out she was reading topics like: "can a narcissit love me?". I did love her, more than anyone. I was so accomodating to her needs. She wanted space, although it was she who hurt me, and wanted to move out. Although for me it was a bad idea, I agreed, and supported her decision. I forgave her emotional infidelity. I came up with creative gifts for her. I loved her family, I helped them out whenever I could, and was so glad to see how she reconnected with her friends. I don't really understand how she could ask questions like: "can a narcissit love me?". Am I a narcissit?

I'm lost and cofused.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2020, 11:12:33 AM by dindin » Logged
grumpydonut
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« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2020, 11:33:44 AM »

No, you're not a narcissist. A narcissist doesn't look to take responsibility for anything. A narcissist doesn't stop and think "am I a narcissist".

As for your story. I see devaluation based on what looks like nit picking. The issue isn't your car, clothes, etc. The issue is how you make her feel. And because no one person can ever make their partner feel good 100% of the time, you cannot ever satisfy a person with BPD. A person with BPD is trying to fix a broken attachment in their childhood. They are looking for the unconditional love and affection that they didn't get in childhood. This is why we become caretakers. Because they aren't after a partner, but a parent.

Your relationship sounds a lot like mine. You state boundaries, and you are told that she can't talk to you, or that she is afraid to speak her mind. What she is saying is this: I want what I want, and if I can't express it to you and get it (despite how demanding or unreasonable my wants are) then the issue must be you. And when you don't acquiesce 100% of the time, you trigger their abandonment fears. One of my favourite was "i just feel you don't love me like I love you, I would do anything for you". This was coming from a girl who had recently cheated on me...and then "you just weren't there for me how I wanted you to be"...again, coming from a girl I had taken care of for months, worried about her committing suicide while also trying to deal with the emotional trauma and emasculation of having been cheated on, and yet still getting no signs of love from her - no hugs, no kisses, no compliments, nothing but a trip away (which I would have traded for one meaningful, unsolicited hug from the girl I loved).

Rest assured, while you were 100% not perfect in this relationship, you can do nothing to fix a BPD person. They are a bucket full of holes. You poured all your love and attention in, and all that was left was an empty bucket.

You cannot fill the emotional void left by bad parenting.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #2 on: August 22, 2020, 04:33:51 PM »

dindin

Is the regret to do with sharing with her maybe too early on in the relationship? did you know her quite well or was it based on trust or something else.

regarding the narcissism accusation/question - does it worry you? if so how much.

1% of the population have it, but requires a lot more than "ask google". or youtube videos.

the relationship is over now? so goes the accusation with it. Just the way I see it. how do you feel.
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dindin
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« Reply #3 on: August 22, 2020, 05:09:15 PM »

dindin

Is the regret to do with sharing with her maybe too early on in the relationship? did you know her quite well or was it based on trust or something else.

regarding the narcissism accusation/question - does it worry you? if so how much.

1% of the population have it, but requires a lot more than "ask google". or youtube videos.

the relationship is over now? so goes the accusation with it. Just the way I see it. how do you feel.

I feel bad to be honest. Literally last week we were having a loving date with wine, etc. All was fine. I don't understand how things could just turn like that. I had relationships gone sour in the past, but it was gradual, you could sense it, emotions were laid out over a stretch of time. But now it's like somebody threw a granade in my room.

The accusation does bother me. Even if the relationship is over. I come from a slightly disregulated family, where, even as a kid, and now as an adult, I am bashed often for being selfish. There is some fundamental difference between me and my family that they called selfishness and narcicism all my life. I'm the kind of person who, if he wants something, I'm gonna go try and reach it. I was often criticised for wanting to make a lot of money. I liked the idea of being independent, making a career. I was bashed for that. I am selfish and vain. I heard it even as a kid, when I said I wanted to be the best at somthing. Maybe because my family is composed from people who haven't achieved much in life, and they see it as evil. Apart from a super-critical father, I had no role models of male behaviour. All males in my family are unemployed or dead from being alcoholics. Their strong catholic roots don't really help much being understanding, so you get the picture. In fact, I went to therapy for that, and somehow worked it through, to the point that I really don't care what they say.

And let's be clear, I am loud, easy to anger, and often unrelenting if I feel taken advantage of. But for some goddamn reason I am drawn to people who really play on that dynamic, and to whom I can't be this firm and self-assured that I am for example at work or with friends. I know it sounds ridicilous, but often when I heard my current partner (well, ex partner, as of today) abuse me verbally when drunk, I literally heard my father's voice. It's the same "never-enough" kind of love that I am drawn to. Even in women! And it's the same dynamic over and over again, I want to be respected, but surround myself with people who cannot give it. So I caretake, or swallow my pride, I please, but only to build enough resentment. But if, god forbid a person who really respects me or loves me comes up, and shows true affection, I think of them as boring, for not repeating the same pattern, they are simply not attractive for loving me...

What I am saying is, this accusation bothers me, because it's been repeated all my life, by people closest to me. For what reason I don't know. It bothers me because it makes me look and feel like my dad and grand-dad, hyper-crytical thugs, who couldn't accept their own kids, never in their life said they're sorry, and laid all their failures on everyone but themselves. And the more independent and self-assurd the child, the more of a black-sheep it was made to be.

But with previous partners it was low-key. That dynamic was somehow still at least rooted in reality. With my BPD partner, it was just the masterpiece of it, pièce de résistance of this cycle.

I have no idea where I'm going with this or why I wrote it. I guess I now know why I was accepting this from a lot of partners in my life. It reminded me of my childhood dynamic. Crazy stuff
« Last Edit: August 22, 2020, 05:16:43 PM by dindin » Logged
Cromwell
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« Reply #4 on: August 23, 2020, 11:36:31 AM »

dindin

I hear you, I can imagine how hurtful it is to be labelled and judged in a negative way. Especially childhood.

I have no idea where I'm going with this or why I wrote it.

I relate closely to feelings of being confused.

Many posts not knowing why, just did - its all ok.
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dindin
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« Reply #5 on: August 23, 2020, 03:23:00 PM »

dindin

I hear you, I can imagine how hurtful it is to be labelled and judged in a negative way. Especially childhood.

I have no idea where I'm going with this or why I wrote it.

I relate closely to feelings of being confused.

Many posts not knowing why, just did - its all ok.

Thanks. What I am getting from all this is that I am just massively codependent. I choose partners who cannot give resepect. A second relationship with a person with BPD is no coincidence. It's the same thing all over again. And when I can't get that basic respect, I become controlling in that I don't set boundries to protect myself, and let the chips fall where they may, instead I use boundires as an excuse to control the partner, so that they do show me that respect. Beg, steal or borrow. Instead of just letting it go, as soon as I recognize it. Then I become frustrated it doesn't work - because it simply doesn't work that way.  Is this a common thing, when it comes to relationships with BPD? That we are often just as wounded?

It's such a thin line, setting a boundry to protect oneself and to control. If I was honest with myself, 100%, and self-confident enough, I would have never even started that relationship, I saw the red flags. Up to this point, I was glad I continued with it because it felt magical almost. But now I see it was an illusion and trying to find something that isn't there. Can anyone relate?
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« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2020, 04:48:13 PM »

Hi dindin

Is this a common thing, when it comes to relationships with BPD? That we are often just as wounded?

"as" wounded, meaning, is it a common thing for those who continue to get involved in relationships with partners with BPD, themselves also have a personality disorder?


It's such a thin line, setting a boundry to protect oneself and to control. If I was honest with myself, 100%, and self-confident enough, I would have never even started that relationship, I saw the red flags. Up to this point, I was glad I continued with it because it felt magical almost. But now I see it was an illusion and trying to find something that isn't there. Can anyone relate?

are we talking about "love" as that something? Wounds, for sure I brought in issues, they will have been a factor in the relationship dynamics. there was moments of enchantment, disenchantment, illusions and fantasies. a lot of them add in recreational drugs to the list of variables. I think confusion of BPD and a lot of not understandings, lack of empathy, maybe leads to bridging that gap and magical can fill its place. I find what im trying to say quite hard to put into words, as best I can.

How are you feeling, it sounds to me that part of you feels a sense of regret that perhaps you could have been better, so to speak?
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dindin
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« Reply #7 on: August 25, 2020, 05:29:21 AM »

How are you feeling, it sounds to me that part of you feels a sense of regret that perhaps you could have been better, so to speak?

Exactly.

I know objectively that I have issues: stuborn, prone to being angry when sensitive to criticism, poor communication skills that lead to somewhat controlling behaviour, etc. But I also feel like I was blamed beyond that. The same feeling I have when interacting with my family. And somehow, when I have those rare moments of being grounded, I feel like I want to feel blamed, because if it was 100% my fault, it would be within my control, you know.

Now, as the dust settles, I start to think of different aspects of the r/s. Like up to this point, even on this forum, my questions would basically be: am I justified in this response to something that happened between us. I seldom asked for support or opinion on things that just happened to me in the r/s, on how I was treated. In other words, I was asking "was I ok and within my rights to respond to an event in this way." Now I see it as really insecure way that twisted my perception of the relationship. Some situations that I haven't gone through, that I didn't really make sense of:

  • She always was into marriage and kids, and so were I. It was fun planning our futures together. I always wanted to have kids, a house, etc. These were my dreams. And I thought these were hers also. And from the point of wanting to have kids, of her claiming I'm being unreasonable for wanting to wait a bit to build my finances up before kids, there happened an argument. I can't remember what it was about, but nothing major. But she changed. Literally a week after she was on my case about her wanting kids and me wanting to wait half a year, she told me: if I were pregnant with you... I'd get an abortion, I think there would be no other alternative. All future-building plans and conversations were killed after that. She was even reluctant to have sex, because it could get her pregnant. After a conversation, I validated her, that it's ok to change your plans. But man, did my hopes and a sense of consistency died a little in me that day. Come to think of it, it was an extremely brutal blow.
  • After she emotionally cheated on me with her ex, we had an argument, I couldn't take it. I said that it's completely unacceptable, and unless she cuts that out, I'm out. And I meant it. She agreed, and was apologetic. But at the same time, she became the most cold and distant person I ever knew. From hugging and kisses one day, to not wanting to even touch me or hold hands. When I asked her about it, she said she needs to cool off after that argument. I kinda just accepted it, and convinced myself, with her help of course, that I am narcissitic, and controlling for wanting her to show me affection. She sent me articles how some men cannot handle when their partners are not feeling it. Insinuating that I was "molesting her"? It lasted more than a month, it wasn't about sex, I wanted to at least hold hands. Until I couldn't take it anymore, and I said that I can't, that it's ok to process emotions and be somewhat distant after an argument, but I felt unimportant and deprived. At that time she showed more affection to her cats than me. And that was after an argument because of her cheating. Then she just flipped the switch and was loving again, just like that. Now I think that she knew I was looking at the door and she couldn't punish me anymore.
  • Once we went to couples therapy after she insulted the living PLEASE READ out of me when drunk for the nth time. The therapist started with: please tell me something you like or love about your partner. I said that I love her sense of humour, her empathy towards other people, that's she's good energy, etc. - these were honest answers at the time. When it came turn, she said nothing. She literally just sat there. The therapist say, well I bet you can come up with something, don't be shy. And she literally just sat there for 20 minutes, saying : "I'dont know." Until she finally realised that the therapist wouldn't let her off the hook, she begrudgingly said: "what he said, the same thing" And that was it. Afterwads she asked me what is wrong, as I was visibly upset. Then she said, "oh, you know how I am in therapy, I'm just shy." Ant it's the same girl who 2 weeks earlier was talking about marriage, could stand in the middle of the road and say how she loved me... she couln't think of one thing she liked about me...

What I described above, was this abuse? I never thought about it in those terms, I always kinda tried to understand why she behaved that way, and often listened to her arguments that I'm controlling, and that's why she's done these things.

I remember, years ago, I was accused by my parents of doing something absolutely horrid, and was met with punishment (no-contact) even before I knew what the charges were. When I learnt of this, I reacted with "what the **** are you talking about, if you are going to accuse me like that, I don't want to have anything to do with you." Which was a reasonable response. But even now, I question whether that was ok for me to say... because they had years of me being selfish to warrant such accusations.

Also, when I had breakups in the past it was a consistent feeling. Either regret or sadness. But now it's mixed with a big sense of relief. There are moments when I'm literally happy because it feels like a huge burden has been lifted off me: I don't have to worry about her feelings, about filling her unending need for companionship and support. It's really weird and sinister. Can anyone relate?
« Last Edit: August 25, 2020, 05:39:47 AM by dindin » Logged
Cromwell
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« Reply #8 on: August 25, 2020, 02:41:54 PM »

Hi dindin

it feels like a huge burden has been lifted off me: I don't have to worry about her feelings, about filling her unending need for companionship and support. It's really weird and sinister. Can anyone relate?

yes, some worries left, but other new ones arrived. For example, I no longer had to worry if she was cheating on me, id ended the r/s. But now she was gone I started to worry if I had done the right thing and looking backwards.
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