How do I get my husband (and father of my daughter) help?

[WhichWayUp]

Hi. This is my first post. My husband has borderline personality disorder. He hasn’t been diagnosed, but I’m certain of it. He intensely possesses all nine traits associated with it. I began learning about bpd after researching emotional abuse—I was trying hard to figure out just what the f’ was going on in my relationship and the article I was reading about emotional abuse stated that many times emotional abuse offenders often have undiagnosed bpd, which led me to research bpd. Finally, EVERYTHING clicked. The last 3 years of bullPLEASE READ and terror and dis function just clicked into place and I finally had a name for it. We have a 3-year old amazing daughter together—if it weren’t for her I would’ve split years ago. My husband needs help. He’s seen therapists before but ‘noone has been able to help him’. They weren’t skilled enough to accurately diagnose him. I’ve done lots of research and I KNOW he has bpd. I feel like I want to share with him info about bpd, so that HE knows and seeks help with that in mind, but I just don’t know if that’s a horrible idea. I feel that so much time with therapist had already been wasted because no one was able to make that diagnosis. I want everyone to quit wasting their time and get on with appropriate treatment...but I don’t know. I haven’t been able to convince him to get back into treatment. Should I share with him what I know about bpd? Will that help him get treatment? Or is that just a bad, bad idea?.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Diddle]

I had the very same revelation in February this year after yet another outburst that showed me my husband only cared about himself. We have children and have been together for 19 yrs
I didn’t want to bring it up with him either but i was convinced i was right. I couldn’t mention it when he was calm because i didn’t want to risk causing an outburst.
So as part of one our many arguments i mentioned it, then sent him some youtube videos about it, telling him that if he wanted to look into it he could. Amazingly he watched them and agreed.

Between then and now he has dismissed it many times and changed his mind and told me i want him to be mental.

Even without lockdown the year got worse and two weeks ago i told him he needed to go and get professional help because i couldn’t help him with this, i felt like the enemy, or i would not be staying in the marriage.
So i booked him at the doctors, i spoke to the doctor who took loads of notes. Then he had his own mental health assessment for an hour a few days later and they agreed with me.
He is now supposed to be getting therapy and medication.

I wish i had discovered it sooner, i feel like so much time has been wasted. I don’t know if it will change our marriage or make me stay long term but he deserves the chance to get help.

I am quickly learning that i need to concentrate on making my own life as everything but a wife, is good and calm 

[babyducks]

Hi WhichWayUp,

welcome to this website.    it's an important first step (and a brave one) to make your very first post.    I would recommend you come back often.   Both to read and to post.

a couple of thoughts on your question.

Should I share with him what I know about bpd? Will that help him get treatment? Or is that just a bad, bad idea?.

the general recommendation is to be very cautious about sharing this type of information.    Let me explain why.

first -  it is very hard to diagnosis BPD.    many times BPD is comorbid with other disorders (meaning existing together) and BPD can be experienced in ways that are very similar to other disorders CPTSD comes to mind.

second - depending where you are located BPD comes with a stigma attached.   the mental health system is a hodge podge of resources and in some locations treatments centers and therapists are reluctant to take on BPD sufferers because of the amount of effort/energy they require.   thankfully this happens less now than it did,... oh lets say 10 year ago but it is still a concern.

third - as Diddle mentioned,.. some times the focus on mental health or BPD causes your own personal situation to get worse.    BPD is a disorder that has a lot of shame and instable self image attached to it.    Telling some one that you think they might have BPD can make shame and instability rocket out of control.

so how is it recommended that the topic is addressed?    start small.   pick one symptom or issue that is troublesome to your husband.    talk about that ...   use I statements.   "I've noticed that you seem frustrated and stressed much of the time do you think that...".     "I'm finding the rage and anger to much to cope with, we need help to make this work..."   

avoid labeling.    "I've researched it and I am sure you have BPD" creates a ME against THEM dynamic.     You on the side of the mental health professionals against him...   most people who have the traits of BPD feel like victims.   You want to avoid encouraging that.     

Plan the conversation carefully.     think about what you want to say and how he will receive it.    most people don't take well to 'hey I think you have a mental illness'.

and consider therapy to support you... this is a tough road.

hope this helps
'ducks

[love4meNOTu]

Yes, it is a bad idea to confront him with what you think is wrong or mention BPD in any way.

Try something less challenging. Address his insomnia, depression, anxiety... Suggest he sees someone for that. Do not do marriage counseling. Go to therapy yourself, get better boundaries, show him how well you are doing in your therapy and cross your fingers.

The only control you have is over yourself and your children. That's it.

My best to you.