5 months since breakup, 4 months NC. Why im still hoping for a contact/charm?

[stressftw]

its been a while, and i still think about her EVERY SINGLE DAY, everything was extremly abrupt, she left me and instantly jumped in a relationship with another guy that she did not even knew
IDK how she is, idk if shes on a relationship, idk if she already moved on with her life and im not even someone that cross her head anymore. I love her so much and she betrayed my trust and was so PLEASE READing cold when everything ended.

Everyone tells me that i shouldve already moved on, but im still grieving so much, i still think about her, and still hope that she will reach me one day, right after that i realize that she might already moved on with her life and im still here paralyzed, wanting something thats probably not going to happen. Shes gone, one day she was here, sharing things beside me, making plans, etc, the next, she is gone and i wont even hear from her again. Thats so sad. Im so depressive i cant do nothing i just want to sleep. And wake up with the lovely person i met, why im still in this state after so many time

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[stressftw]

Does anyone can share this same feeling?

[exBPD2020]

I do. But I know it will never happen. Never got a text for my birthday, for my new job which she was so excited for. Nothing. She's in another relationship anyway and has scrapped her social media of our mutual friends, apart from 2 close friends of mine, but I think they'll be on the scrapping board soon anyway.

[stressftw]

I do. But I know it will never happen. Never got a text for my birthday, for my new job which she was so excited for. Nothing. She's in another relationship anyway and has scrapped her social media of our mutual friends, apart from 2 close friends of mine, but I think they'll be on the scrapping board soon anyway.

how long u have been out of your relationship? Im sorry you have been through that. I was deleted and blocked from everywhere, she keeps block/unblocking me on whatsapp idk the reason, shes probably with her replacement also. Its very sad.

[Goosey]

But she didn’t love you!
She mirrored you.
She melded into you.
Until she didn’t.
   

Twenty two years of marriage.
Always a bit crazy.
Then the final four years was just insane.
Then poof she is gone.
 Obviously with another.
 Of course I think of her everyday.
  Of course I worry about her.
   Of course I realize  I miss and dread her at the same time.
    I’ve been two months no contact.
   I do not do social sites. This forum is my first. I’m thankful for that. I have been a mess and I’m sure I would have posted ugly crap that is not helpful.
   It s really hard to clear out the hurt and worry. People tell me I’ll be ok. Doubtful. Lost without the need to repair everything. Lost without the constant turmoil. Even with Covid and less work I have more money saved then I ever did even without  her and her six figure salary. (Before she got canned) That part is easy when you don’t have a partner screwing around with drugs or lowlifes while bashing you 24/7.
  So I have quiet existence. . I have order financially.
  I just don’t know how to fill the hole of chaos.
 
 

[stressftw]

But she didn’t love you!
She mirrored you.
She melded into you.
Until she didn’t.
   

Twenty two years of marriage.
Always a bit crazy.
Then the final four years was just insane.
Then poof she is gone.
 Obviously with another.
 Of course I think of her everyday.
  Of course I worry about her.
   Of course I realize  I miss and dread her at the same time.
    I’ve been two months no contact.
   I do not do social sites. This forum is my first. I’m thankful for that. I have been a mess and I’m sure I would have posted ugly crap that is not helpful.
   It s really hard to clear out the hurt and worry. People tell me I’ll be ok. Doubtful. Lost without the need to repair everything. Lost without the constant turmoil. Even with Covid and less work I have more money saved then I ever did even without  her and her six figure salary. (Before she got canned) That part is easy when you don’t have a partner screwing around with drugs or lowlifes while bashing you 24/7.
  So I have quiet existence. . I have order financially.
  I just don’t know how to fill the hole of chaos.
 
 

Thank you for sharing what happened to you. Mine was exactly like that too, she vanished with other guy too.
Do you know the other guy? Do you feel he is a downgrade too?
22 Years is alot of time and i cant bare the pain you are feeling. Im 4 months and few days NC and i cant let  the false hope of her contacting me again, do you feel the same?
If u want to talk more about what happened to you or share experience you cam send me a private message also.

[legalboxers]

@stressftw: I am sorry your going though this. 1st time I started thinking of mine. She was calling me "toxic" and "trash"

[exBPD2020]

how long u have been out of your relationship? Im sorry you have been through that. I was deleted and blocked from everywhere, she keeps block/unblocking me on whatsapp idk the reason, shes probably with her replacement also. Its very sad.

Been out since the start of April with no contact since the start of May. There was no point as she was grey rocking me and conversations weren't going anywhere. Really annoying, and what seemed like an unnecessary, break up. But I guess it is what it is and I have to learn to cop it on the chin.

It really does suck, and at times it feels as raw as when we broke up, but I can slowly see myself getting better. I think haha

[once removed]

i had the same thoughts about my first love.

if she reached out to you, what would you hope to hear?

what would you want to say?

[stressftw]

i had the same thoughts about my first love.

if she reached out to you, what would you hope to hear?

what would you want to say?

Hey Once! Thank you once again for being supportive.

One thing that puts me down everytime i thought about her is the feeling of "why u did it with me".
She cheated on me, treated me like PLEASE READ and i literally NEVER GIVE ANY REASON for her to act this way.
In the middle of relationship i was so exhausted and destroyed that i thought everything was my fault, i was walking on eggshells with everything, because even when i tried to help it was a trigger for her to rage at me.

After the end 2 days after she was in another relationship with a guy she barely knew(but it was the new love of her life).

The feeling of """Why u did it with me" persists. The feeling of not being important, the feeling of being trashed out like nothing. This is what hurts. Because when i think of her, in a moment, its in a caring and love way, and i remember what she did, and its not reciprocal, thats utterly destroys me from inside.

If she reach out to me, i wouldnt even expect a reconciliation between us, but i would love to hear that she now understand how unfair she was, how important i was to her and how she recognize that our relationship had some value, you know?
Plus, the fact that she was in another relationship when we broke up, PLEASE READed up with me very hard. I have no idea how things are going for her, if she still on that relationship, but somehow, knowing that her new relationship failed would be something that maybe would make me feel better, knowing that her dysfunctional cycles still happening. U had this feeling?

[once removed]

cheating is complex.

in, say, a long term marriage, where one person strays, and both persons want to stay together, it is worth considering, on both ends, "how did we both get here".

at this level, if youre with a partner that cheats, uses a new relationship as a barrier, youre dealing with someone with very limited coping skills, that, at the end of the day, are more about her than you.

thats not something i often say. my own ex cheated, probably multiple times. looking at how broken our relationship was, and understanding, fairly reasonably, how she felt that i was straying, i can understand, without at all excusing, her cheating.

you loved this girl, and you put your all into this relationship. cheating is a betrayal. moving on so quickly is a betrayal. they are betrayals that, inevitably, feel like the all that you put into the relationship are nothing, and you are nothing.

i can tell you all day long that her cheating or jumping into another relationship does not mean that you meant nothing. i struggled with the same thing. i was with my ex for about three years, the longest relationship of her life by a little, and the longest relationship of my life by far. and to see her jump in another relationship so quickly was soul shattering.

but the struggle is ultimately understanding what we meant to our partners, and what our partners meant to us, in a balanced way.

people with bpd traits tend to over emote and exaggerate. youre the best person ever, or youre the worst. the truth is that you were important. the truth is that you did mean something. the truth is also that it was overstated, and you are feeling the heartbreak of that. its a little bit like, i probably told my ex 1000 times that she was the most beautiful girl in the world. we have been broken up for around ten years, and while i meant it at the time, its not an opinion i still hold today. its something that i said, and meant during the time that we had together.

the ultimate answer to your questions of "why me" is not about you as a person, your potential, or what she meant at the time. it doesnt mean you dont have something even greater to offer a future partner. its that, ultimately, the two of you were not meant to be, and as hard as it may to believe right now, greater things are ahead.

[stressftw]

cheating is complex.

in, say, a long term marriage, where one person strays, and both persons want to stay together, it is worth considering, on both ends, "how did we both get here".

at this level, if youre with a partner that cheats, uses a new relationship as a barrier, youre dealing with someone with very limited coping skills, that, at the end of the day, are more about her than you.

thats not something i often say. my own ex cheated, probably multiple times. looking at how broken our relationship was, and understanding, fairly reasonably, how she felt that i was straying, i can understand, without at all excusing, her cheating.

you loved this girl, and you put your all into this relationship. cheating is a betrayal. moving on so quickly is a betrayal. they are betrayals that, inevitably, feel like the all that you put into the relationship are nothing, and you are nothing.

i can tell you all day long that her cheating or jumping into another relationship does not mean that you meant nothing. i struggled with the same thing. i was with my ex for about three years, the longest relationship of her life by a little, and the longest relationship of my life by far. and to see her jump in another relationship so quickly was soul shattering.

but the struggle is ultimately understanding what we meant to our partners, and what our partners meant to us, in a balanced way.

people with bpd traits tend to over emote and exaggerate. youre the best person ever, or youre the worst. the truth is that you were important. the truth is that you did mean something. the truth is also that it was overstated, and you are feeling the heartbreak of that. its a little bit like, i probably told my ex 1000 times that she was the most beautiful girl in the world. we have been broken up for around ten years, and while i meant it at the time, its not an opinion i still hold today. its something that i said, and meant during the time that we had together.

the ultimate answer to your questions of "why me" is not about you as a person, your potential, or what she meant at the time. it doesnt mean you dont have something even greater to offer a future partner. its that, ultimately, the two of you were not meant to be, and as hard as it may to believe right now, greater things are ahead.

Today my mom told me to write a message for her in her whatsapp in a business regard.
Through her contact list, i inevitably saw the contact of my ex there. She was happy in the photo, stunning, it was months since i dont see a photo of her.
I still deeply, cant accept how things went. Unfortunately. Still dream and think about her everyday. While my selfesteem is melting.
IDK how she is. Idk if she still with the replacement. but thinking about all of this bring me to another level of sadness

[stressftw]

Today i was having a conversation with friends about how my breakup affected me and i remembered so many toxic things that literally changed my world view in a way that im afraid i cant even get back..

When we first met, i wasnt working/studying. I have a good family and financial structure, in other words, i dont "need" to work in order to survive at current moment. She was on college, i remember well, during our conversations, im asking sincerely if the fact that i wasnt doing anything at present moment was something that could affect or be something that could be in the way our relationship. She was in love, so of course she said no.

But that one of the things that PLEASE READed up my mind the most during our relationship. She made me feel like a useless crap several times during our relationship triangulation her mom against me. Saying things like, well, my mother is against our relationship because u dont work. Things like that. Ive always thought and took the blame of those statements, but now, seeing how she used that against me, just to make me feel bad, only reveals how a bitch she was since the beggining of our relationship.

She used that near the end our relationship also, and she even metioned things like. No one besides "ME" will take someone like you that is not working/studying.

And for the record, when we broke up, i was working and studying.

Thats one of tons of "exploits" she could use to affect me, she was always seeking for something that she could use against me, to make me feel like a piece of PLEASE READ, or to justify a toxic behavior.

But the two episodes that marked me the most were like 1 month before she dumped me, thats when she was at her peak of cruelty, and i was in the peak of my low self esteem. I was totally destroyed mentally, on the ground, i wasnt even able to work correctly because my mind was totally PLEASE READed, she was belittleling me in EVERY aspect, physically, intelectually, emotionally, calling me dumb, pointing things on my appearence, saying that i was selfish, etc
At one point she said to me: "One of the reasons i dont break up with you, is that, im afraid u kill yourself"

She also stated the same thing in a THERAPY SESSION with my T, and thats so absurd to remember, thats one of the reasons my T said to me after that she was a textbook psychopath;
She said; "Im not breaking up because i like him, and because i dont want him to collapse because of me". When she said that, she said in a grandious way, like she was in totally control of me, and she was.

I want to save all this statements here because i need to re-read this in time to time when i feel bad about myself regarding to her.
The more i remember how toxic she was, more i realize the monster i was dealing with.

[once removed]

when my ex broke up with me, i had the same reaction to just seeing a new picture of her. it would send me into a tailspin of rumination for hours on end. i get it.

something about this breakup hit you hard, and lingers with you even now. i think youre on the verge of determining what that was - perhaps more than one thing - and the more you dig into that, the more it will help you to detach.

maybe she did judge you for not working. some women will do that. my ex judged me for working for my dad - she said some really entitled and nasty things about it.

at the end of the day, couples have these differences. sometimes theyre legitimate, sometimes theyre just judgmental or superficial things. for example, i thought hard about breaking up with my ex because we had major religious differences. i also knew a girl who broke up with a guy for eating his ice cream with a fork.

the thing about a breakup is that all of that goes out the window when the relationship dies.

some things about you pleased your ex, and vice versa, and thats part of what made it work when it did. some things about you displeased your ex, and vice versa, and thats part of why it didnt work. it isnt right or wrong, and it isnt a failure of either of you as human beings. it ultimately was a relationship that was not meant to be.

i know it isnt that simple. this person built up the best of you, and ultimately rejected you in a cruel and cold way, and it leaves a deep and lingering wound. it was for me, too.

but she can neither give you self esteem, nor take it away.

right now, in your hurt, you want to be the better man that could have "satisfied" her and saved the relationship. there may be a part of you that thinks that would be the solution to the pain youre in now.

but it isnt. in your hurt, youre placing her on a pedestal she doesnt belong on.

the solution isnt to become the guy that could have pleased her. you cant please everyone. relationships die.

the key is to rebuild your self esteem internally, and to become that guy that can attract the kind of girl you want and are meant to be with.