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Author Topic: Can someone wBPD love you (for the person you actually are)?  (Read 337 times)
Nala2020

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« on: September 11, 2020, 11:21:47 PM »

Can someone with BPD love you for you and the person you actually are, or are they just in the relationship and in love with the idea of what you can give them (the perceived safety and security)? 

I do actually like the person I am, and I do think that I have a lot of offer someone.  Of course, I come with some flaws too.  I have relatively high anxiety, so I need someone with patience.  You can imagine how that worked out with someone with BPD when they weren't happy with you - no patience and no empathy.

I don't generally think I'm an insecure person (or I wasn't before all this), but I could never tell if my gwBPD was in love with me or was in love with the idea of what I could provide for her.  I have no doubt that she cared about me as a person, since we were friends for 8 years before we dated, but I just couldn't tell if she was in the relationship for love or if she was more in the relationship because I could be the primary financial provider and we could have the life she wants of getting married and having kids. 

Once we were a couple, she started with small demands and complaints (I wasn't doing enough of the chores at her house - admittedly, I don't like chores and barely do them at my own house, so she probably had some right to complain a little there, but was very early on and we didn't live together), I was keeping her from making extra money on the weekends by wanting to spend time with her - everything was my fault.  I would pay for a vacation, but when she got stressed when we got back (she worked on an hourly basis and didn't get paid time off), then the stress and money loss was my fault for taking her on vacation.  Then, the biggest first demand was a monthly salary for the extra house keeping work she was doing more than me.  I didn't agree to the monthly payment and everything just snowballed from there. 

Her new partner that she is with now (she announced she's in a relationship this week - it's only been 2 weeks since we broke up, again) doesn't have any money, so maybe that wasn't what she was looking for.  I hated second guessing her, I just couldn't tell sometimes why she was with me because sometimes I didn't think she actually knew me or saw me for the person I really was.  When she would make demands, I would let the insecurity grow about why she was really with me.  Then I would let that insecurity sneak in and cause me to question my gwBPD sometimes (are you sure you love me? are you sure you know me?), which would set her off even more - I was being a negative person for questioning even if I tried to ask in the most straightforward and non accusatory way possible and she would tell me that I needed to work on being happy with myself and be less insecure with myself.  It was like vicious cycle.

Thanks for any input from experience.
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brighter future
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« Reply #1 on: September 15, 2020, 01:44:38 PM »

Nala,

I don't think people with BPD are capable of truly loving someone in a healthy manner. They may desire it, but I just don't think it's possible because of the illness. Based on what I've been through, I will say that they probably love you most of the time based on your ability to give them what they need. In the case of my uBPD ex-g/f, sometimes she reciprocated well, sometimes halfway, and sometimes not at all. Especially during the last 5-6 months of our relationship, I wasn't sure exactly what I was going to get from one day to the next with her. She was more consistent as far as her mood went for the first part of our relationship but had bad days mixed in some. I guess that's because she was able to keep the act up a little better in the first part of the relationship before the mask came all the way off. She will admit to her issues and will be accountable some of the time but does little to nothing to change her life. I wish she would for her sake and her children's sake. I don't think she's beyond help.

I'm sad to admit it, but I also have an ex-wife who was diagnosed with BPD (and several other mental illnesses) and has heavy Narc traits as well. She is one of the most self-serving and egotistical individuals that I've ever met. She always thinks of herself first and even puts her needs ahead of the child that we have together.  Anything that she gives is never given freely, and she always expects something in return. Most likely this is why she's been through several men (dated) since we divorced. Her b/f of nearly a year left her in the latter part of July. She's been contacting me more often (mostly about our child) and is being more confrontational since the b/f has been out of the picture. While she was with him, I heard very little from her. I guess she needs to take her frustrations out on someone. Might as well be me! I've learned from my counselor that the best way to deal with her is this: When there is reason for a reply, say as little as possible. When one of her messages is so irrational and hateful that it doesn't merit a reply, say nothing. That policy has worked fairly well for the most part!  Now, as I've said in other threads, I just need to avoid getting into relationships with BPD people.  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)
« Last Edit: September 15, 2020, 01:51:38 PM by brighter future » Logged
legalboxers
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« Reply #2 on: September 15, 2020, 01:52:38 PM »

@nala2020 I think it can, but slowly it will fade. That was my case..
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JNChell
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« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2020, 03:10:36 PM »

They can love and believe that they’re loving intensely. This is the quagmire of it all. They’re very limited in how much love they’re able to give. Maybe it was nature, maybe it was nurture or a combination of both. Regardless, their minds are stuck in arrested development. For whatever reason, the part of the brain that is able to love back and feel empathy never quite developed. They can love you like a 5 year old, but can also throw a tantrum like one.

Think about this. You listed your needs. Patience is a big one. You’ll never receive that from a childlike mind. Try to understand it from a young child’s POV. She was attracted by the idea of what you could provide her. Childlike thinking. It sounds like you’re hurting and wound a little tight over things. It’s gonna be that for a while, but it will ease off and things will get better for you. Feel like sharing more?
« Last Edit: September 15, 2020, 03:19:58 PM by JNChell » Logged

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mstnghu
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« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2020, 05:59:10 PM »

This is an issue I've contemplated many times about my wife. I've come to the conclusion that my wife doesn't actually love ME as in who I really am as a person.  I'm useful to her. As much as I'm "never enough" or always made to feel "less than" by her, the reality is I do a lot for her and help her life to be manageable. I pay most of the bills, I do all the housecleaning and the yard work, I help equally with caring for our son, etc. so I serve a purpose for her and she has a reason to keep me around. She doesn't value "me", she values what I'm capable of doing for her.

My mother in law is very similar to my wife and I think also has some narcissistic traits.  A few years ago, my MIL's husband left her. She came over to our house distraught and started listing off all the things that she needs him around for. It was all about her and the purpose he served her. I don't remember her saying one thing about him as a person that she loved and would miss. It was all things that he did for her. She ended up convincing him to come back to her a couple months later and the manipulation that's taken place since then is too much to put here and would need me to start a whole new thread. I truly believe my wife views me the same way as her mom views her husband. We are useful and serve a purpose but "WE", the real we, don't really matter and are replaceable.
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Kaufmann

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« Reply #5 on: September 15, 2020, 07:39:24 PM »

This is a tough one, and I think everyone is different. I would say that my former BPD truly loved me for the person I was. The problem in my relationship, and in most relationships with borderlines, is that the love didn't stay. That's the splitting. She idealized me, thought I was such a wonderful, amazing person. And then she saw me as completely deplorable. The love was there, but then it quickly turned back to hate. And then back to love, and so on.
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once removed
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« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2020, 10:39:25 PM »

i dont think that there is a simple answer to this question...and it probably depends on each of our relationships, uniquely.

generally speaking, people with bpd traits are fickle, and are dreamers/fantastical. also, needy and insecure.

we have a couple of perspective pieces here. important to remember that they are two perspectives out of millions, but i found them helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder
https://bpdfamily.com/content/my-definition-love-i-have-borderline-personality-disorder-0

my personal take?

i dated my ex when i was a lot younger, and my ideas of relationships and love were evolving (they still are), as were hers. i look back, and im surprised that both of our ideas of love could be pretty immature. and a lot of the love had more to do with how the other person made us feel about ourselves. i think we each loved each other as best we could...that love just had its limits. these days i try to consciously expand my love, and what i think it means to love another.

ideally, thats what all of us are trying to do.
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