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Author Topic: Break up with BPD partner has left me emotionally and mentally fragile  (Read 445 times)
Jaulyn
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 1



« on: August 28, 2020, 05:48:51 PM »

Hi, I know I am in need of help because for the first time I can’t even speak to my family or friends about how I am feeling, mainly because of all the covering up I did for my BPD partner when we were together.  So for the first time in my life, I have actually registered with an online group and here I am, typing my question. I am no doubt fooling myself into thinking that I need some sort of face to face or dialogue with my ex in order to have the closure that will ultimately make me feel ‘better’.  My rational side tells me this is unlikely to be the case, but the pain that my heart is feeling holds me in some sort of zombie like fog of hope where I’ve convinced myself that if only I could speak to him and get some closure I could at least move on.  Mine is a complex and unusual tale with so many elements to it that I wouldn’t know where to begin in telling it. But my actual question is this: How does one really recover from a brutal and out of the blue discard and can the fallout from a long relationship with a person with person suffering from BDP, cause symptoms similar to PTSD? I want to understand why I am affected so badly (I’ve had break up’s before that didn’t even come within a millimetre of this pain) I want to heal and I also want to better understand BPD.  It is really hard not to feel resentful and even angry, which is not in my nature normally.  Any advice/views/reach outs would be so very appreciated.
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Goosey
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 375


« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2020, 10:04:51 AM »

It’s painful. My breakup was years of turmoil and incidences of total insanity. I talked in circles to my self for years. (Still do just not as much).
  Just a couple of months ago I got a copy of “stop walking on eggshells”. It was so eye opening to read. I thought no one could ever believe the situation but there it was in black and white. 
  Good read, I suggest it to you. Take care.
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Marianne-11
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Preparing for divorce
Posts: 86



« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2020, 10:26:32 AM »

Hi Jaulyn, I am sorry that you are going through a tough time. A relationship with someone with BPD can to my understanding be traumatizing. That was also what my therapist told me.

I am currently in the middle of divorce and can well relate to your feelings. The early weeks were the toughest to deal with. Talking and processing things here helped me a lot, there is so much wisdom and support here. People get you if you open up about things you may have never told anyone before, I know I’ve shared many things here for the first time because they seemed so crazy I did not know how to talk about them elsewhere.

A good therapist also helps a lot. And learning about BPD. Stop walking on eggshells was an eye opener for me.

And one really important thing is to take care of yourself. It sounds so simple and yet it is something that many people here have totally forgotten in the midst of the drama. Doing something for yourself, something that gives you joy, even if for a brief moment to begin with, is so important.

I wish you strength, you are not alone  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

 
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FindingMe2011
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1227



« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2020, 04:29:45 PM »

Hi, I know I am in need of help because for the first time I can’t even speak to my family or friends about how I am feeling, mainly because of all the covering up I did for my BPD partner when we were together.

At some point this shame you are feeling needs to be addressed, for now set it aside(its false) and a trusted friend or family member could help. You can use some validation. Many have this happen, its a dynamic that helped land you here. Its nothing to be ashamed of.

My rational side tells me this is unlikely to be the case, but the pain that my heart is feeling holds me in some sort of zombie like fog of hope where I’ve convinced myself that if only I could speak to him and get some closure I could at least move on.

Your rational side is wise, listen to it. The zombie like fog is just that FOG (fear, obligation, guilt )

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Mine is a complex and unusual tale with so many elements to it that I wouldn’t know where to begin in telling it.

You might just be surprised how so many stories are the same.

But my actual question is this: How does one really recover from a brutal and out of the blue discard and can the fallout from a long relationship with a person with person suffering from BDP, cause symptoms similar to PTSD?

Typically these dysfunctional relationships rip off the bandages from our own childhood trauma. This was true for me...understanding the illness, understanding your part, coming to acceptance of the whole thing, the good the bad and ugly, could go a long ways.

I want to heal and I also want to better understand BPD.  It is really hard not to feel resentful and even angry, which is not in my nature normally.

Its OK and even expected. It actually shows you, that possibly you have some unresolved anger. If so, then there is some pain causing the anger. Grieving is different for all, yet very similar. Its the process.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=208969.0


Any advice/views/reach outs would be so very appreciated.

A therapist possibly? Someone to help you in the right direction. There is plenty of info and helpful people here. I wish you well, Peace

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zachira
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 3236


« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2020, 11:29:26 PM »

Know you are not alone in feeling emotionally and mentally fragile after a breakup with a BPD partner. You might want to look at some of the youtube videos of Dr. Ramani who is a real expert on how to understand and heal from a relationship with a person with BPD.
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Nala2020

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Temporarily Separated
Posts: 36


« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2020, 04:37:07 PM »

"Typically these dysfunctional relationships rip off the bandages from our own childhood trauma. This was true for me...understanding the illness, understanding your part, coming to acceptance of the whole thing, the good the bad and ugly, could go a long ways."


I am on day 2 of a breakup (or realizing my ex wBPD had started a new relationship) even though we were recently trying to work on our actual relationship (next month would have been 2 years we would have been together).  Out of the blue she announced she was in a new relationship.  I have barely eaten in two days.  All I feel is nauseous, and angry and hurt.

Everyone keeps saying that I should look at my own trauma and work on my own issues, but I didn't really have any childhood trauma, and I generally think I'm pretty self aware (I know I have anxiety and some OCD traits, which I am working on with a counselor).  People keep saying that if you stayed with someone BPD, you likely had your own issues and reasons for staying.  But, honestly, I don't see anything else that I'm missing.  I don't want to be naive.  Yes, I stayed too long in the relationship and allowed her to treat me in ways that I shouldn't have.  Yes, I justified this because I had known her for 8 years before we were in a relationship and so I put up with more from her than I would most people and I knew the actual trauma/abuse she had endured in her childhood and I didn't want to abandon her like everyone else had.  I couldn't get her to counseling, but I knew something had to change, so I had just started reading books on BPD and DBT to better react to her.  Obviously, that was a waste of time.  I'm a pretty calm person and it takes me a lot to get angry, but I do feel that she knew exactly how to bring out my frustration and anger, but I generally think I'm still more calm that most people.  What am I missing?  My counselor said she didn't know of anything else either.  I don't know what else I'm supposed to be working on - I just know that I'm angry this person left so abruptly after saying last month she was in love with me.  I feel betrayed.
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AtWitsEnd13

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 10


« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2020, 03:14:49 AM »

I am proud and envious of the folks that have the courage to walk away and put an end to their abusive BPD relationships. In October it will be 22 years of constant eggshells for me. I am a shell of the man I once was.
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AtWitsEnd13

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 10


« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2020, 03:34:23 AM »

To be fair it has not been all bad. There has been a lot of good times also. I can handle the mood swings, but the accusations and name calling take a toll. After dealing with it for almost half my life it's my normal Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).
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Nala2020

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Temporarily Separated
Posts: 36


« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2020, 01:39:54 PM »

To be fair it has not been all bad. There has been a lot of good times also. I can handle the mood swings, but the accusations and name calling take a toll. After dealing with it for almost half my life it's my normal Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).

I think at a point, negative attention becomes good attention, or at least, it means you're getting attention.  I know for me when we would get into a fight and wouldn't talk for a few days, but then I'd start getting the texts with name calling and more anger from her, in a way it was a relief, because it meant she still cared.  And, in a way, I felt like I had some control back and that she cared.

However, I realized at some point that I didn't want that forever and the good times were becoming less frequent and I couldn't enjoy the good times for fear of what was going to happen.  I started dreading going to her house on the weekends because I knew at the slightest thing that went wrong, she was going to kick me out and it could be at 2 am.  I started pulling away emotionally and she could feel it.  Now, that said, I don't know that I would have actually ever left her on my own.  She ended up leaving me after I started pulling back and couldn't give her what she wanted anymore and I wasn't willing to deal with the name calling and abuse.
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shikai

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 26



« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2020, 09:41:45 AM »

Nala, I'm sorry you're going through this. I had a similar experience. I started pulling away and the discard came shortly after. She moved out last week. I definitely have PTSD from the relationship. I have been seeing a therapist who works with victims of assault and it's helping me to find my old self. These relationships can really do a number on us. Let's hang in there. I here it gets better.
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BuildingFromScratch
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 422


« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2020, 04:16:35 AM »

Hey Jaulyn

There's a lot of reasons why a BPD break up is more painful. First being at the beginning they idealize you, and mirror you, so you think you've found the perfect person for you, and all your prayers are answered, life is perfect. I didn't know it could be this perfect.

(Maniacal BPD laughter). Or so you thought, then you get abused, mistreated and sent to crazy town, you forget which way is up and down and left and right. You try to make it work with all of your being, but no matter what you do it doesn't.

Then you get thrown away, maybe cheated on, maybe they date right in front of your face, they say "peace" and ditch you. They act like this new person is their perfect savior and you were some big problem, not them.

So now post breakup, your inner child is severely hurt because you truly trusted this person, and a part of you wants that perfect love you thought you had back. This aspect hurts like hell.

You also were abused, so now you're traumatized and dealing with a lot of anger, guilt, shame, and other such emotions. And since you got thrown away so abruptly you feel abandoned. It's harder to trust people.

Normal relationships don't normally have these dynamics, at least not to the degree that BPD relationships do.

Hope this helps.
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