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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: BPD's grieving the relationship in reverse  (Read 12431 times)
cozmo

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« on: September 04, 2013, 03:55:40 PM »

I've been told that BPD's grieve the relationship 'in reverse' to us non's?

I take it this means that while we grieve straight away, they do not, but maybe do later down the road? That's just a guess so excuse me if I'm on totally the wrong track.

Can someone please explain this grieving in reverse that they're supposed to do?



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snappafcw
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« Reply #1 on: September 04, 2013, 04:12:48 PM »

I think you may have touched on something there... .

My ExBPDgf left her ex boyfriend and started dating me. We were aquaintences 2 years prior to dating. I'm not a homewrecker and I never interfered in her relationship ever but she gave me the whole spill about how her boyfriend was abusive and jealous etc and I bought into it. She eventually left him and almost started to date me straight away in actual fact I was the one who tried to take it a little slower. Eventually though I fell in love... .

Anyway fast forward six months down the line and just before our breakup she would say... . "I wish i had time to grieve. Although my ex was horrible to me for years I never had a chance to cope"

I'm like wow really? After practically saying I am a dream come true she devalues me and then says this? I guess its a part of the guilt they have. I would be surprised if they recycled after she left me... .
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cozmo

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« Reply #2 on: September 04, 2013, 04:22:05 PM »

Snappafcw,

You 'would', or 'wouldn't' be surprised?

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cozmo

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« Reply #3 on: September 04, 2013, 04:33:35 PM »

You kind of saying they're too 'loved up' with new partner to grieve old relationship now. But when new relationship excitement wears off they then look back & grieve what they had before?

Guess that would be kind of like grieving a relationship in reverse?

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snappafcw
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« Reply #4 on: September 04, 2013, 05:25:59 PM »

wouldn't... . Guess that further proves she never loved me afterall.
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cozmo

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« Reply #5 on: September 04, 2013, 05:33:47 PM »

wouldn't... . Guess that further proves she never loved me afterall.

Well when next relationship fails she'll grieve what she had with you. = recycle attempt!

I'm think I'm getting to understand how this nonsense unfolds now.



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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #6 on: September 04, 2013, 05:39:41 PM »

Interesting concept. Perhaps it's the start of the devaluation process?

Mine "grieved" many past relationships in that way, but never the husband before me - he was, is and always will be painted black as I will be.

No she never loved you after all... . by immediately jumping into a new relationship with you she was able to temprarily block the "pain" she endured in that relationship. The next guy is simply a vehcicle to make themselves feel better about themselves. You could have been anybody. Grieving would mean they would have to stop and have a good look at themselves.
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Scout99
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« Reply #7 on: September 04, 2013, 05:56:55 PM »

I believe there is a lot of truth to this, whether calling it grieving in reverse of something else... .

But since a lot of their behaviors stem from immediate reaction to feelings as opposed to maybe feeling, then thinking and then choosing to act, they just feel and immediately react... . And don't really have any thought of what the eventual consequence might be... .

I know my ex BPD bf felt a lot of grief about his ex girlfriend when we met and also at times during our relationship. He likes to write and one time he showed me a short passage that he had written about their break up that to me actually spoke a lot about what sometimes goes on in his mind. Especially at times when his so to speak "abandoned inner child" surfaces and reveals his vulnerability... .

His r/s with his ex broke because he was cheating on her. I only know of one time, but there may very well have been several... .

I don't remember exactly the wording but it was something along these lines:

"You and I had it all. We were walking along the forrest path holding hands and the sun was shining on us keeping us warm. And you smiled. And your smile filled me with with everything I had ever wanted. But then I fell, and bounced off the path. And I got entangled in the bushes and got myself lost in the darkness of the woods. Couldn't find my way home in the dark. But when I finally found my way back to the path, and I was looking for you - you were no longer there. I could see you way up ahead. I tried to call your name and I waved with my hand for you to see me, but you just kept walking. You didn't look back... . "

He also at times when he felt depressed about other things, he could recall his old relationship and said he still sometimes missed what they had. And that he still grieved it at times. He felt guilt and shame for not having been there for her when she needed it... .

It is my belief that he really wanted to be that guy who is there for his partner. But there is always something about himself that gets in the way... . And then he just can't figure out how to be able to do both things at the same time... . Again, the ability to select among his feelings and choose to think before he reacts debilitated him. And I think that is so for many pw this disorder... . They want to, but just can't... .

And there is a lot of sadness in that alone... .

On the other hand, he could also sort of use this in a way victimization of himself to gain support and comfort from me at times when he perhaps felt he needed to be there for me but couldn't... . Then this would suddenly be the reason for it... . Which from an objective is not really relevant, since that relationship was long gone already when he and I met... . So in a way he sort of knew what he needed to learn... . But again doing it is another story... .

I am sure he says some things like this about our relationship too... . He has even said so to me, how he feels he wanted adm wants to be there for me, but knows he can't... . Much of the reason we are broken up is because he is terrified he will loose me the same way. And feels somehow that if he doesn't commit to the relationship fully but tries to keep me in his life somehow anyway that will lessen the risk so to speak... .

Again... . Much of the disorder is about wanting to be a certain way or do things in a certain way, but then always reaching the conclusion that he can't... .

Don't know if that makes any sense... . But in a way it at least gives a little glimpse into how things often does linger with them for long after it actually happens... . And that grief is a big part of their existence as a whole... . At least for many of them... .

Best Wishes

Scout99

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cozmo

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« Reply #8 on: September 04, 2013, 06:04:17 PM »

Aussie,

I do believe they love, more extreme than us too. They idolize us!

But they don't miss us or grieve the relationship with us because the immediate replacement bring fresh excitement. All of which is a nice, fun distraction from realizing what they've lost with us, what they particularly miss about us etc.

We ruminate & miss them straight away & grieve. They're maybe too bust with the fresh new exciting replacement at that point. BUT, when that freshness & excitement wears off, then they start their ruminating about us & start to miss us. I figure that explains the later recycle attempts and the seemingly sincere emotions at the time. It's like they're genuinely feeling what we felt when we were doing our ruminating & grieving.

Maybe it's genuine, but badly miss timed?

I'm quite new to reading about BPD so could equally be very very wrong!

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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #9 on: September 04, 2013, 06:40:00 PM »

I dont think you're wrong at all and it seems you already have a good grasp of it. Each situation is a variation of the same script and each person is different however the same common themes appear.

Are you OK with the break-up?
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« Reply #10 on: September 04, 2013, 07:18:25 PM »

Grieve in reverse?... . Yes. There are many posts on here(mostly older ones that touch on that subject)... .

The way you, me, and everyone else(Nons) are grieving our respective relationships... .

The pwBPD grieve the opposite way.

We miss them in aftermath... . That lessens as time progresses.

We begin to self reflect... . Heal. Forgive.

They do not miss us in aftermath... . at least not initially.

They portray a happy mask to outside world.

This lasts x amount of time.

As time progresses... . They begin to miss us.

They are not self reflecting(no sense of self to reflect on)... .

They are not healing... .

They know whether they admit to or not that on some level... . they messed up.

This missing us intensifies.

That is when they will begin to reach out(whether they are with someone else or not)... .

They know what they left behind... .

That is when that text/call comes in... .

I miss you. And what not.

This is what my exUBPDgf exhibited after she left me first time.

I saw it in her social media(time period where she left me) how she began to miss me... . After I let her back into my life and social media.

I went back through her old postings, the progression was subtle at first... . But intensified as time went on... . Until she re-engaged me.

Then I saw the exact thing with devaluation. Saw how that unfolded through her social media too.

Stay NC.

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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #11 on: September 04, 2013, 07:20:08 PM »

I think my xBPDbf is grieving the relationship. Differently than I am. I think it's more of how he is lonely and jealous than actually missing "me". But he's grieving it in his way.
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cozmo

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« Reply #12 on: September 04, 2013, 07:50:31 PM »

Aussie,

I'm coping ok with the break up... Thank you for asking.

Seven weeks since we parted (3 year relationship) & I knew nothing of BPD till just four weeks ago.

We have split up before & I've been the usual jilted man trying to get her back. It never worked & always pushed her further away. I've realized that looking desperate = looking very unattractive!

A relationship councilor friend of mine always says "looking comfortable with a break up looks strong & strength is attractive".

I'm not going to contact my ex with my new found knowledge of the condition I think she suffers from.

I'm just going to sit back, wait for the new guy to fall from grace, and await the time she contacts me.

I know some don't want their ex's back, but I actually do! I know I can always walk away if I get to my limit & I also know my learning of her condition has made me more compassionate & taught me to not take the acting out to heart. If I can help her & support her going into therapy I will. If I can't then I'll come to the line, and I'll walk without looking back.

But I know I must wait this new guys turn out & see what the weather brings in! I've read that problems usually start within 3 months & often reaching out occurs within 6 months (sooner if replacement relationship doesn't make it that far).


That's my theory anyway, and I may have it all wrong.

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confusedhubby
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« Reply #13 on: September 04, 2013, 09:31:19 PM »

I don't think grieve is the right word When a pwBPD leaves a relationship and starts the idealization process all over again, it's all about them avoiding the hurt and destruction they have caused there ex. They have been demonizing the ex for a while and when they finally make there move he is already black and they are justifycing there actions to themselves by painting him black.

Later on when the relationship with the new guy falls apart the pwBPD does not grieve there ex. rather they begin to have feelings of abandonment. So they naturally fall back and the comforting feelings of there last ex and typically recycle. Remember they are incapable of self criticism or seeing the harm they have cause.  It's all about them feeling good about themselves and denying the truth of there selfish actions.

I strongly believe that the driving force of whether they recycle or not depends on the emotional attachment they had with there ex. If it was a short term relationship with little validation then they don't. If there were deep bonds and relationship was long term, then they are almost certain to recycle.

Finally, the time frame it takes with the new guy is dependent on a plethora of factors. For example if the BPD  has substance abuse problems and the new guy is an enabler then the relationship may be longer term. The same can be true if she is financially giving to him (meaning he is financially dependent on her) in which case he may be more inclined to validate her feelings and put up with more of her BS longer. But make no mistake there is a time in the not too distant future where it will fall apart and she will recycle


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bpdspell
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« Reply #14 on: September 04, 2013, 10:09:45 PM »

I think there are some liberties being taken with the word "grieving".

BPD's don't grieve; they repress.  Grieving requires an ownership of good and bad feelings; in essence a reflection of some sort. Grieving involves accountability for the good and not so good happenings of what is paining us. If they were able to grieve they'd be able to reflect, learn lessons and apply to new situations. Instead they are trapped in an emotionally stunted cycle of sadness, rage, shame and abandonment pain. They repress this pain and wear the mask of normalcy by mirroring and idealizing new supply but the mask cannot be worn for long because all relationships evolve to require intimacy, trust and vulnerability: non of which a person with BPD can sustain due to their inability to sustain healthy detachment.

Idealize, Devalue, Discard. Rinse, Wash, Repeat.

When you have the capacity to grieve you're inclined to not make the same mistakes over and over again. Because grieving requires the insight to look within. But when you're repressed your liable to operate out of delusion, denial, unlearned lessons, deep insecurities, and praying that this time around that things will have a different outcome. Unfortunately BPD love is a band-aid script that always has the same familiar outcome.

Can they miss us? Absolutely.

Do they know that they piss others off? Absolutely.

But can they feel the capacity, reach and emotional depth of how their actions impact others? Not really. That is why BPD is a mental illness and shame based attachment disorder. They don't have insight into their mental illness. How they've come to think is all they know. If they knew how to grieve they would have the ability to tap into their own self healing.

My ex put the ex before me through hell on earth. When we were together he'd often talk about how bad things turned out between them but in truth he carried a lot of shame from the way he treated her. He knew she hated him and this triggered intense shame for him. In retrospect he knew that his actions towards her weren't kind or nice but his capacity to grieve was essentially non existent. The shame and the self-hate is what makes them feel worthless and empty.  The shame is what they try to drown out in drugs, alcohol, sex addiction, and suicide attempts. Missing us is only a piece of the sad story.

Spell
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confusedhubby
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« Reply #15 on: September 04, 2013, 11:10:19 PM »

To BPDspell.

Very well put and insightful. Thank you for sharing.

I was wondering if you had any thoughts whether during this repetitive cycle, the  pwBPD knows it's going to turn out miserably with the new person? IF they have done it enough times they certainly must have an idea. Or are they so drink with euphoria in the o\idealization stage hat they just are into the now and excitement of it.
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Emelie Emelie
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« Reply #16 on: September 04, 2013, 11:14:00 PM »

Mine knew he would have the same problems in future relationships.  Although I don't think he is aware of the "devalue/discard" piece of it.  His concerns were about his anger issues.  That they "always come out". 
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« Reply #17 on: September 05, 2013, 02:56:34 AM »

I think there are some liberties being taken with the word "grieving".

BPD's don't grieve; they repress.  Grieving requires an ownership of good and bad feelings; in essence a reflection of some sort. Grieving involves accountability for the good and not so good happenings of what is paining us. If they were able to grieve they'd be able to reflect, learn lessons and apply to new situations. Instead they are trapped in an emotionally stunted cycle of sadness, rage, shame and abandonment pain. They repress this pain and wear the mask of normalcy by mirroring and idealizing new supply but the mask cannot be worn for long because all relationships evolve to require intimacy, trust and vulnerability: non of which a person with BPD can sustain due to their inability to sustain healthy detachment.

Idealize, Devalue, Discard. Rinse, Wash, Repeat.

When you have the capacity to grieve you're inclined to not make the same mistakes over and over again. Because grieving requires the insight to look within. But when you're repressed your liable to operate out of delusion, denial, unlearned lessons, deep insecurities, and praying that this time around that things will have a different outcome. Unfortunately BPD love is a band-aid script that always has the same familiar outcome.

Can they miss us? Absolutely.

Do they know that they piss others off? Absolutely.

But can they feel the capacity, reach and emotional depth of how their actions impact others? Not really. That is why BPD is a mental illness and shame based attachment disorder. They don't have insight into their mental illness. How they've come to think is all they know. If they knew how to grieve they would have the ability to tap into their own self healing.

My ex put the ex before me through hell on earth. When we were together he'd often talk about how bad things turned out between them but in truth he carried a lot of shame from the way he treated her. He knew she hated him and this triggered intense shame for him. In retrospect he knew that his actions towards her weren't kind or nice but his capacity to grieve was essentially non existent. The shame and the self-hate is what makes them feel worthless and empty.  The shame is what they try to drown out in drugs, alcohol, sex addiction, and suicide attempts. Missing us is only a piece of the sad story.

Spell

I would have to kindly disagree with you here on a few things... .

First of all I think it is important for our own healing processes to understand that a disorder is not either an illness or a brain damage of some sort... . It is a disorder and the cluster B diagnoses have their own category for that specific reason. It cannot be treated or cured with any form of medication or operation. But is the result of learned core behaviors due to early childhood trauma which in some cases is combined with inherited genetic traits of vulnerability, which not in itself create the disorder... . And which also does not constitute any form of brain damage... . That is many many normal people are also born with inherited sensitivity and or vulnerability... . (That for instance often play a role in developing behaviors of co dependency... . )

It is when the vulnerability, (inherited or otherwise achieved), creates such wounds to the developing sense of self, that it in turn makes the child develop disordered coping strategies and dysfunctional and or destructive self beliefs that a disorder is formed and developed. In essence borderline disorder consists of destructive and dysfunctional self beliefs that in turn creates a disordered way of handling life that in turn becomes crippling to the person in interelational situations... .

Excerpt
BPD's don't grieve; they repress.  Grieving requires an ownership of good and bad feelings; in essence a reflection of some sort. Grieving involves accountability for the good and not so good happenings of what is paining us. If they were able to grieve they'd be able to reflect, learn lessons and apply to new situations.

My interpretation of grieve is that it is for more or less all human beings a pretty selfish process... . We mourn the loss of something we wanted. For us non's we mourn and grieve the loss of them idealizing us for instance. And that they did not turn out to be who we thought they were and wanted them to be. We also feel abandoned and lonely and in essence we feel sorry for ourselves too, just they way they do... .

The difference as I see it can be found in how we choose to deal with our loss and our grief... . And how we heal... . That is what strategies we use to move forward... . And many of us non's don't always learn from our experiences and reflect and avoid making the same mistakes in the future either... . Many of us get stuck in the blaming of our ex BPDs for our pain... . (Which in a way can be described as us too devaluing and in the end discarding them)... .

Important also to note is that it is not always they who leave us... . If you study the threads of this forum, you will find many examples of partners also choosing to leave the relationship too... .

And many of us do also choose to jump into new relationships as fast as we can, and some of us do also "rinse and repeat" and get ourselves involved with yet another somewhat dysfunctional partner again because we stay addicted to the intensity and the passion we found in our BPD lovers... .  

I know I have pretty much repeated that very pattern several times throughout my life, since I tend to get a bit bored with partners who are more calm in their approach to love for instance... . And that is part of my pattern that I need to learn and heal from and eventually change, (if I can)... .

And such processes take a lot of time and effort to change... . Since all change pretty much is painful to us humans... . Heck... . Most of us have a hard time just quitting to eat too much sugar or change a smoking pattern just to name a few examples... . In a way we too often end up repressing a lot of what we experienced with our BPD loved ones... .

Disorder wise the differences lie in our ability to sustain feelings, and their inability thereof... . our differences also consist in that their coping strategies have through time become disordered due to the trauma they have endured in their childhood... . But we often have somewhat dysfunctional coping strategies too... . Co dependency is one... .

This is really a very important topic and one we can learn a lot from and that can help us also in our respective healing processes!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Best Wishes

Scout99
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Aussie0zborn
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« Reply #18 on: September 05, 2013, 04:06:15 AM »

Cozmo : good to see you're focused. While you're waiting on the sidelines you might have some time to read up on coping with a pwBPD seeing as you plan to get back with her when she's done with the next guy.

I was oblivious to BPD and believed that I was at fault. This means I didn't help her cope as well as I could have.  Once I read up on it and saw the terminology I saw she was already using this terminology to describe me in her attacks. If you are across all the coping techniques you will stand a better chance than I did. Good luck to you .
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jippolito1969

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« Reply #19 on: September 05, 2013, 05:58:51 AM »

Wow, it really helps me to read these posts. I never thought of it this way, grieving in reverse. My ex and I split in mid-February, but attempted to re-kindle a few times after that. In early June, she decided to cut me off, and gave me the silent treatment for about a month. She then reconnected with me briefly, but this did not go well. We had a day or two of good communication and then we hit another landmind. In early July she met someone else, who she is now completely involved with. About two weeks ago, she re-connected with me, after asking me to not contact her (which I respected), attempted to re-kindle some kind of a connection (telling me she loves and misses me, showing remorse, telling me she was sorry, etc.,) but then we hit another landmind. Bare in mind, she was still seeing this other person throughout all of this. At first she told me they were just "seeing," eachother, nothing serious, but then she proceeded in a fit of anger to tell me she is "falling," in love with this person, that they treat her so much better than I ever did, and that she respects this person in ways she could never respect me, etc., etc., Shortly after this conversation, I received another "cease and desist," email from her (most likely written by her and this new person). Like I did the first time, I have since respected her request and can actually see for myself now how NC does help. It's been over two weeks since I have heard from her, and I am slowly starting to heal in ways I could not when we talked now and then. To further assure NC, I have since changed my cell phone number, asked my roommate to tell her I am unavilable should she call our house phone and have filtered her email. In many respects, I know that if she decids to contact me, she will find a way to get through to me, even if that means writing a letter, or emailing me from another email address I don't know, but I am prepared to ignore it. I simply want to move on with my life and while it is a daily struggle, because I am grieving and have been since the breakup 6 months ago, deep down I know this relationship will never be a healthy onea and my needs will never be addressed or met by her.Howver, knowing she is with this new person, does hurt and often times I wonder will she be different with them? Logically, I know this is not possible, but the idea of it makes me sick. I gave this woman everything I had to give, so much so, I practically lost myself in the process. Now, she is moving on, with someone else, like it's no big deal, and I am left mourning. On the flip side, I would rather go through this grief now, than later, because down the line I do home to find a healthy relationshp and want to be able to open my heart to someone new if the opportunity comes my way.
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« Reply #20 on: September 05, 2013, 07:03:54 AM »

It is a very interesting topic and I think this is what I felt with my ex uBPD friend.  He was very open with me (more I like you'd be with a counselor or a therapist, probably because of my professional background and also probably knowing that I would never interfere in his life or blame him because of the situation we were in and my status). 

I agree with BPDspell it is not about grieving in the sense we understand, with certain stages, but rather in a reverse way of detachment and repressing.

Throughout the history of his personal relationships there was the same pattern - he would be grieving for losing his exes after jumping into a relationship with someone/many. No matter who initiated a break-up, at the end it was the feeling of shame, self-loathing, dysphoria that forced him to contact his exes.  He himself explained it this way "I loved my ex before and was entitled to love her even after the relationship was over. I was feeling guilty. I needed to know that she did not hate me". So most of the contact was initiated because of the feeling of shame and self-loathing for not being a strong man, for being weak.  It was never about bringing them back and committing fully, but rather making them not to hate him. But the problem was that he had a weak sense of boundaries -  he always tell all of them (me included) that he loved them and missed.  He was a highly functioning, who worked in the academia, so I understand the reasons he rarely painted black someone for a long time, rather than in a moment when any of his exes (or me) were not reacting the way he wanted.

As with me, while he was dating his ex - he made her overly jealous because he attempted numerous times to contact the woman he dated before, met her secretly and had a sex-talk that his current (now ex gf) found out.  This is why his ex-girlfriend thought that he is in love with his ex, which he couldn't fully understand.  Then he started an affair with me... . Long story short - after his ex found out about it - he started "grieving" about her in the same way he did before - without wanting to bring her back, but wanting her not to hate him and proclaiming his love.  Since he had a sex addiction and drinking problems - it was easy for him to cross the boundaries and engage in a sex-talk with his exes or with me... . I think this way he also was able to receive the confirmation that he is not so horrible and feel the needed validation.
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« Reply #21 on: September 05, 2013, 07:39:01 AM »

cosmo  

I don't know about the "reverse" part but from my experience it seems that if our ex's have a new partner lined up before they break up with us the sorrow won't be there initially.  I know my ex didn't s how any signs of "grieving" when he broke up with me, but I don't know if this is even the right word.  He eventually was in pain but it was because of what he didn't have instead of what he had lost.  He didn't have the comfort he needed to sooth himself and I would tend to call this depression.

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« Reply #22 on: September 05, 2013, 09:37:46 AM »

Aussie,

I'm coping ok with the break up... Thank you for asking.

Seven weeks since we parted (3 year relationship) & I knew nothing of BPD till just four weeks ago.

We have split up before & I've been the usual jilted man trying to get her back. It never worked & always pushed her further away. I've realized that looking desperate = looking very unattractive!

A relationship councilor friend of mine always says "looking comfortable with a break up looks strong & strength is attractive".

I'm not going to contact my ex with my new found knowledge of the condition I think she suffers from.

I'm just going to sit back, wait for the new guy to fall from grace, and await the time she contacts me.

I know some don't want their ex's back, but I actually do! I know I can always walk away if I get to my limit & I also know my learning of her condition has made me more compassionate & taught me to not take the acting out to heart. If I can help her & support her going into therapy I will. If I can't then I'll come to the line, and I'll walk without looking back.

But I know I must wait this new guys turn out & see what the weather brings in! I've read that problems usually start within 3 months & often reaching out occurs within 6 months (sooner if replacement relationship doesn't make it that far).


That's my theory anyway, and I may have it all wrong.

I really like this philosophy of being open to their return.  It keeps you empathetic and compassionate toward them.
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cozmo

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« Reply #23 on: September 05, 2013, 11:43:40 AM »

Detroit,

I might be being optimistic waiting for her to return?

The way I'm looking at it, the break gives me time to read & learn (about both of us), and gives me a breather & chance to catch up on other things.

I figure chasing her will push her towards new white knight & be counterproductive. So I'm just doin my thang, retreating & waiting it out. No big scenes, no big reactions & not really showing any emotion either way. Basically trying to look cool with her choice, without being cold!

I might be doing some right, some wrong, or even all wrong? Guess time will tell. Though I'm certain she'll be as bad or worse with new guy. He likes to keep in touch with his ex's so that will strain things a bit.

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« Reply #24 on: September 05, 2013, 01:19:01 PM »

Detroit,

I might be being optimistic waiting for her to return?

The way I'm looking at it, the break gives me time to read & learn (about both of us), and gives me a breather & chance to catch up on other things.

I figure chasing her will push her towards new white knight & be counterproductive. So I'm just doin my thang, retreating & waiting it out. No big scenes, no big reactions & not really showing any emotion either way. Basically trying to look cool with her choice, without being cold!

I might be doing some right, some wrong, or even all wrong? Guess time will tell. Though I'm certain she'll be as bad or worse with new guy. He likes to keep in touch with his ex's so that will strain things a bit.

I believe it is perfectly fine to be optimistic.  I finally backed off and stopped contacting my ex and now the tables are turned and he regularly contacts me.  I think it is great that you take time to learn and heal.  This is exactly what I am doing. 

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tailspin
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« Reply #25 on: September 05, 2013, 01:26:22 PM »

cozmo and DetroitDame,

If you aren't trying to leave and detach then why are you posting on this board 

No contact isn't intended to turn the tables; it's designed as a protection against abuse and an opportunity for us to heal.  Do you think that waiting for them to contact you again is healing?

tailspin
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« Reply #26 on: September 05, 2013, 02:03:16 PM »

Cozmo,

You may be correct. From my own experience, My BPDex told me plenty of times that she loved me and I was the best guy to her. 8 months in and she quickly states "this is all a mistake!"

She often, well weekly you could say, talk about her ex boyfriends. I now see this as a pressurized gas tank that needs to be evacuated of air. This air, or guilt, shame or simply residual feelings that they have not gotten over, builds up and they JUST need to talk about it. Often in the most irrational ways without boundaries. Thats my 2 cents.
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DetroitDame

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« Reply #27 on: September 05, 2013, 02:13:14 PM »

cozmo and DetroitDame,

If you aren't trying to leave and detach then why are you posting on this board 

No contact isn't intended to turn the tables; it's designed as a protection against abuse and an opportunity for us to heal.  Do you think that waiting for them to contact you again is healing?

tailspin

At no point did I indicate or insinuate that no contact was intended to turn the tables.  I simply indicated it was what happened in my case.

My relationship has been over for over 2 years and I am continuing my detachment and healing.  My comment was to indicate the level of progress I have made in this time.

I believe it is fine to end a relationship and still leave open the possibility to reconnect should things change.  This is exactly what I indicated in my comment.
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cozmo

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« Reply #28 on: September 05, 2013, 03:05:14 PM »

Tailspin,

My relationship is over, she is with someone else! I'm grieving my relationship! I hope all this qualifies for commenting on the leaving board? And a thread about BPD's grieving after the relationship ended?

I've mentioned that I'm taking this time to learn about BPD & myself & my own issues. I've also mentioned that I'm open to be approached by my ex in the future with a view to looking at our relationship again & how to improve it. None the less, I'm recently out of my relationship so guessed the leaving board is where I belong. I can't really post on the 'staying' or 'undecided boards', because there I am not currently in a relationship to improve or decide about.

If you feel I'm in the wrong place please let me know where I should post.



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cozmo

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« Reply #29 on: September 05, 2013, 03:08:19 PM »

And NC is about leaving her alone while she's got me all black because anything else is just hurtful contact. I'm not using it to turn the tables, I'm using it to protect myself & when she's ready to be pleasant she'll probably break NC. Then I'll take it from there. In the mean time NC is for me to take time & space to learn & heal. I think that's an appropriate use of NC & by no means playing games with anyone.



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