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Author Topic: S15 Will Not Provide Cell Phone Code  (Read 407 times)
scraps66
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« on: September 03, 2020, 06:05:49 AM »

Sunday evening S15 had come home late.  Night before first day of school.  He had also gone incommunicado for a few hours, then appeared at 9:20.  I chastise him, take his phone.  I had gone looking for him twice.  ExBPDNPDw chastised me because my rule of 9:00 is too late.  I tell her the time is irrelevant, he does this when with her, he's not doing what he's told.  He was told to be home for dinner.

He comes home and I take is phone.  He had already turned off location sharing.  But now he has changed the passcode to access the phone.  I ask him for the code.  He says he's not giving it to me.  I don't know that there is anything I can do to access the phone without deleting the data.  Which may be bad for him and bad for me.  I have consistently been finding troubling content on his phone, notice now that he deletes his internet search history every evening before I take his phone at 11. 

Steadily through this pandemic mom has created a "safe landing" spot for both S13 and S15.  I feel as if I'm losing control.  I notice, when there is a consequence to be levied, she sends the children to me, like when the phone needs to be taken.  When with her, if I have the phone, or she takes the phone, she will give S15 his school Chromebook which essentially has duplicate functions as the phone.

I have a list of things that could be dealt with in court.  My L tells me the constant contact and controlling of the kids while with me, using the cell phone, is one thing that is being violated in shared parenting.  The other is the lack of recognition or monitoring of S15s cell phone.  It's her phone, but she doesn't monitor.  There have been nude photos of boys and girls on his phone, and evidence of visiting porn sites.  And his text messaging content and language is troubling to say the least.

S15s phone has become a source of a power struggle and I feel he is winning and I am losing.

One idea I've had is actually taking S15 to court with me and mother.       


 
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worriedStepmom
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« Reply #1 on: September 03, 2020, 08:09:06 AM »

In my state, children (even older teens) are not allowed in family court, even as spectators.  Would it be allowed in yours?  What result would you expect from having him there in court?
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scraps66
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« Reply #2 on: September 03, 2020, 08:22:03 AM »

It was my idea of a way to have him relinquish the phone, but also present in front of his mother what he was doing on his phone.  All this in front of the Master.  Children are brought into the Masters hearings here. 

After writing that I realize what a bad idea given the fact that my relationship, or lack of, is so fragile with him.

On the other hand I have mother who just doesn't want to deal with anything but giving him what he wants.  Not necessarily what's good for him.  A few weeks ago he had a sleepover, four boys, at least one boy was nude and S15 took a picture of him.  Mom's response, "just looks like boys having fun."

I really have to get ahold of my anxiety.  Always tense at the start of school, moreso this year, but I've unnecessarily created some angst for myself.  Just fueled by the consistent history of mother alienating and trying to trip me up at every turn. 

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kells76
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« Reply #3 on: September 03, 2020, 12:57:01 PM »

I get how it is to be in this place:

Excerpt
my relationship, or lack of, is so fragile with him.

and how that changes the discipline options in play.

I think I also get -- and correct me if I'm off base here -- your desire of getting you, S15, and his mom all together in court. Getting third party eyes on the situation, shining light on what's going on, having everything out in the open, and maybe getting some consequences for S15 (and his mom)-- are those parts of what you want?

If I'm remembering correctly, counseling with anyone that Mom picks is a disaster, and hasn't been a healthy way for a third party to have eyes on the situation.

So, I get the draw to have a different, perhaps stricter, third party in play.

OK, so, if not "Mom's choice" counselors (too weak) and not going to court/having Master involved (too strong based on fragility of relationship)... OK, what can we think of here?

I think I've mentioned school involvement before -- if the photos involve classmates, that seems like a big deal and perhaps a liability for the school, so maybe the school has a disciplinary board or group. Can you talk on your own to the counselor at S15's school about your concerns and/or about "hypothetically what would happen to my son if X, Y, and Z"?

There's also having your own counselor/therapist (can't remember if you do or not) to "game out" some of these scenarios, figure out how far you are willing to go, what your fears are about the fragility of the relationship, that kind of stuff. DH has a lot of fears and anxiety about losing his relationship with the kids, especially his oldest (SD14), even though the relationship is a lot stronger than it was. He needs some space with our T for that work.

Group, what other "in between" options am I missing here?

Positive outcome for relationship/strictness for S15 scale, 0 lowest and 10 highest for both:

-Mom's choice counselor: 0/0 (not effective)
-scraps66 taking S15's phone: 2/2 (does show there are consequences, but no real change in S15 behavior)
-scraps66 working on own with his counselor: 8/3 (changing self can improve relationships, but no direct S15 involvement)
-S15 getting in trouble with school: 7/7 (could be a wake up call, and S15 has to deal with "non-dad" authority)
-getting both parents and S15 in court: 1/9 (scraps66 concerned about impact on relationship with S15)

other?

Juvenile law involvement? Some areas are cracking down on juvenile "sexting". That would be a severe wake up call, perhaps.

...

What are the positive things in your relationship with S15 right now?
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CoherentMoose
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« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2020, 01:02:06 PM »

I'm in a relationship where we're preparing for the children to show up with a phone.  The ages are 7 and 10.  I'm presenting to my partner that the children do not need a phone until they drive.  In the eventuality they show up with a phone, the rule will be that phone is turned off and placed into a lock-box until custody changes back to the other parent where it will be returned to the children for the change of custody.  If, for some reason, we decide the children need a phone when we have custody, they we will have phones to be used when they are in our custody.  In other words, the kids will have a phone for Dad's house, and a second phone for Mom's house.  That way we retain control of any phone while the children are in our custody.  Good luck.  jdc
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scraps66
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« Reply #5 on: September 04, 2020, 06:33:37 AM »

Thank you all for the input.  I will come back to this after digesting.  Some interesting turn of events the last couple days, a bit of a roller coaster the first week of school.  Some of the ride created by my own anxiety.

S15 did give me the phone code yesterday and has been fairly pleasant.  Even arrived here early on Monday.  Then had an argument with S13 after he threw a temper tantrum while playing basketball with his buddies.  Something that has become a problem.  He ran to mommies and I was fearful I would not get him back for the next day of school.  He showed up, mom dropped him off 15 minutes before school was to start!

But then both had conversations with me about mom.  S15 about his phone and mom's inconsistent methods of consequences.  Mom's suggestion to me was to keep the phone and have S15 earn it back with respectful behavior.  While at my house she suggested he do 500 good deeds.  I told S15 about this and he laughed, then told me about the last time she did this, that she gave him a quota of 100 deeds to complete...and if he did his summer math course lessons, each lesson would count as 2 deeds.  So he did 50 lessons.  See how this works, it's suggested 500 for me, 50 while at moms.

Then yesterday S13 lost his Zoom link for school so did not attend his last two classes.  Nothing we could do to fix.  Mom found out and went ballistic at me and S13.  S13 got upset.  Mom's reaction was, she's a teacher, "well if your wifi isn't working he can come here and do his work," I respond it's not a wifi problem, it's a zoom problem, "well I've been troubleshooting zoom issues all day with students," I respond he told all of his teachers and they were fine with him just finishing his work offline...the pattern is well established, pour the guilt and anxiety on the child to lure him to her lair.  Into the net.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #6 on: September 11, 2020, 04:38:19 PM »

Would you consider getting a behaviorist involved?

My H did this with his then S13 who was openly defiant and rude.

BPDx only got on board when S13's behaviors began to affect her  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)

It didn't seem like the behaviorist had much different consequences but he framed things in a way that S13 got on board with, even proposing a more strict punishment for his worst behaviors.

H felt like it took away some of the anxiety around parenting S13 and the involvement of a professional kind of made S13 take more seriously how stressed everyone was about being around him.
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