Mother using cancer diagnosis to gain further attention and support

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all, I've found the support on here so good, even just reading peoples posts when I feel low has helped me. I wanted to ask if anyone else would be willing to share about mothers who have used illness to elicit pity, attention and support?

My uBPD mum has always distorted any minor diagnosis in this way. When we were children there where often
"scenes" where we would be told she was dying or very sick. For years we were told she had MS but she was perfectly fine and I later found out it was all a lie, a doctor had investigated MS and so she took that to mean she had it. Of course on top of all the other drama and trauma she brought to my childhood this has lead me to doubt her and resent her when she is genuinely sick. I feel a lot of anger about this.

Some of you might remember that she was diagnosed with blood cancer two years ago. It came smack bang around the time of losing both my paternal grandparents within a couple of days of each other. Two people I had never been allowed to bond with because my mother hated my grandmother. My mother believed she was out to get her, looked down on her and was jealous because my mother had stolen her son. The message was clear...don't get close to your grandmother or I will shut you out.

Having been very low contact for a long time I came rushing back into the fold and I literally feel I have been swallowed up by them. I shamefully have allowed them to help me financially and my mother would call me every day, sometimes twice daily. My mood and personality have changed for the worse. I have managed to reduce this to every other day but now I feel I can't take much more. My mother had a relapse recently of her blood cancer. While in hospital she called me to tell me she was dying and that she would be returning home for the end. A hospital bed was delivered which caused my father to call me in tears (he never cries). I absolutely believed she was nearing the end...until I plucked up the courage to talk to a doctor. I told my mother at the time I wanted to check a few things about her care with the doctor. He reported that although she was very sick the treatment she was receiving would put her back in to remission. When I told my mother this news she said that the doctor I had talked to didn't exsist. My father agreed I must have it wrong. I felt like I was losing my mind as she continued to talk as if on her death bed.

Yesterday after an MRI she has been told she is in remission. I just feel angry. A normal daughter would be over the moon with the news but I feel devastated. I feel like I will never be free. I realise reading this post that my language is quite dramatic but I am just so fed up with feeling so pulled about by them and the FOG.

I want to go LC again but the guilt aways gets me. I have been so brainwashed into feeling it. My brother who lives in another country does nothing to help. My mother will slag him off terribly to me but then every so often he swoops in with a phone call and he is wonderful again. I envy him. He seems to have it sussed. I don't have contact with him anymore btw. Thanks for reading. I needed to get that off my chest. No need to offer advice but do share your own experiences if you feel up to it.

[Goldcrest]

Hi all, I've found the support on here so good, even just reading peoples posts when I feel low has helped me. I wanted to ask if anyone else would be willing to share about mothers who have used illness to elicit pity, attention and support?

My uBPD mum has always distorted any minor diagnosis in this way. When we were children there where often
"scenes" where we would be told she was dying or very sick. For years we were told she had MS but she was perfectly fine and I later found out it was all a lie, a doctor had investigated MS and so she took that to mean she had it. Of course on top of all the other drama and trauma she brought to my childhood this has lead me to doubt her and resent her when she is genuinely sick. I feel a lot of anger about this.

Some of you might remember that she was diagnosed with blood cancer two years ago. It came smack bang around the time of losing both my paternal grandparents within a couple of days of each other. Two people I had never been allowed to bond with because my mother hated my grandmother. My mother believed she was out to get her, looked down on her and was jealous because my mother had stolen her son. The message was clear...don't get close to your grandmother or I will shut you out.

Having been very low contact for a long time I came rushing back into the fold and I literally feel I have been swallowed up by them. I shamefully have allowed them to help me financially and my mother would call me every day, sometimes twice daily. My mood and personality have changed for the worse. I have managed to reduce this to every other day but now I feel I can't take much more. My mother had a relapse recently of her blood cancer. While in hospital she called me to tell me she was dying and that she would be returning home for the end. A hospital bed was delivered which caused my father to call me in tears (he never cries). I absolutely believed she was nearing the end...until I plucked up the courage to talk to a doctor. I told my mother at the time I wanted to check a few things about her care with the doctor. He reported that although she was very sick the treatment she was receiving would put her back in to remission. When I told my mother this news she said that the doctor I had talked to didn't exsist. My father agreed I must have it wrong. I felt like I was losing my mind as she continued to talk as if on her death bed.

Yesterday after an MRI she has been told she is in remission. I just feel angry. A normal daughter would be over the moon with the news but I feel devastated. I feel like I will never be free. I realise reading this post that my language is quite dramatic but I am just so fed up with feeling so pulled about by them and the FOG.

I want to go LC again but the guilt aways gets me. I have been so brainwashed into feeling it. My brother who lives in another country does nothing to help. My mother will slag him off terribly to me but then every so often he swoops in with a phone call and he is wonderful again. I envy him. He seems to have it sussed. I don't have contact with him anymore btw. Thanks for reading. I needed to get that off my chest. No need to offer advice but do share your own experiences if you feel up to it.

[pursuingJoy]

Goldcrest, wow. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this. I mean, on top of coming to grips with the fact that your mom has cancer, you're dealing with all of the convoluted manipulations and emotions associated with BPD. It's a lot. 

My MIL is very waify. H has been conditioned to jump into action anytime she mentions depression or anxiety, even a cold. Thankfully she's been healthy because I really believe that if it was more, he would not hesitate to move her in to our house without my consent.

I realise reading this post that my language is quite dramatic but I am just so fed up with feeling so pulled about by them and the FOG.

We get it, I promise. You're not overreacting. You've been gaslighted a lot and that gets to you.

I want to go LC again but the guilt aways gets me.

Working through the guilt is no small feat. It's part of the process, one of the hardest parts. This is normal and you're doing great.

You've pushed it to every other day. What's the next small step you can take? One day at a time.

[Mata]

I wanted to ask if anyone else would be willing to share about mothers who have used illness to elicit pity, attention and support?

My BPDmom has used her health for years to get attention.  She has some legitimate serious health issues.  But she also chooses not to take care of herself, and then plays dumb/victim when she her health problems get worse.  It's all very very frustrating.  Often it feels like she undermines her own health because in the long run, she gets more attention when she is sicker. 

   
For years we were told she had MS but she was perfectly fine and I later found out it was all a lie, a doctor had investigated MS and so she took that to mean she had it. Of course on top of all the other drama and trauma she brought to my childhood this has lead me to doubt her and resent her when she is genuinely sick. I feel a lot of anger about this.

Hmm...my mom also "had" MS.  The way she tells the story, she had MS and was miraculously cured.  In reality, her doctor thought she had it, she went to the Mayo Clinic for further testing and guess what...no MS. 

My mom's health is a minefield of guilt for me.  It's hard to manage the tension between being angry and genuinely worried for her well-being.  I'm still trying to figure it out myself.  So you are not alone.   

[Goldcrest]

Pursuing Joy...Thank you so much. The virtual hug really helped.

So as an update I lost it today on the phone to her. I couldn't help it I simply had had enough. I got a lot of my chest and though I know I have caused her hurt it felt like a release for me. I have been carrying the anger about for so long. Her Cancer trumping everything I felt or needed. I had tried really hard to not let the constant comparisons (other peoples amazing daughters) and constant weight of failure not get to me but I felt like I was caged up by it. Of course she cried and said some very hurtful things but actually they don't hurt because I can accept that she can't empathise or take responsibility and will always attack. I just felt better for letting it all out. I haven't shown her that level of anger for many years. I know I will get reminded of it of the things I have said distorted and inflated...but right now it feels worth it. Every so often guilt for hurting her bubbles up to the surface because she has this way of making you feel you have shouted at an innocent child. I have to remind myself there will be no guilt for me, no guilt for some of the horrendous stuff we were exposed to as children.

Mata, thank you too for the virtual hug. It was the not looking after herself that made me lose it today. The hypocrisy my whole life of her seeking attention for so many fictions around health then blatantly doing stuff that was harmful to her, anorexia being one of them.

I feel so often with my Mother and Father that the insanity of them is multifaceted. I have spoken before on here about feeling like you are trying to grasp an eel. No conversation is ever based in reality but my feelings are and they often cause me extremes of anxiety and anger that I can't release.

[missing NC]

Goldencrest,  your description of your mom reminds me of my BPD sister many sister many, many years ago when the BPD traits really first began surfacing saying her behavior was because she MIGHT have cancer.  Of course she did not. She was quite a hypochondriac in her younger years. It's so odd to think about that now that she has replaced those behaviors with far more malicious ones.  In any case, I am reading It's All Your Fault!  12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Other for Everything by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.  The chapter titled "Tip #5: Don't Get Hooked on Histrionics" might resonate with you.  Bill Eddy offers really quite useful advice in his various books. 

As far as your wish for the pain of dealing with a pwBPD to end, oh my, I can relate all too well.  I can also relate to the tilting crazy-making effect of their fun-house mirrors approach to reality/nonreality. 

[Goldcrest]

Missing NC I shall look that book up thank you.

Sorry to hear about your sister. It's exhausting isn't it? More recently I have started to doubt my own sanity, the gaslighting has got so bad that I sometimes come off the phone thinking I am the one that is the problem.

I have managed to move contact to weekly. After feeling so relieved to have released my anger I am feeling sad and guilty now. I can sit with it though. I know my father will be telling her she is amazing and a wonderful mother and that I am difficult, always was ungrateful and difficult.