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Author Topic: Feeling Suicidal Since Break-up  (Read 975 times)
Agshoe

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« on: September 06, 2020, 06:00:53 AM »

Hello everyone, thanks for reading this and if you reply.

My relationship ended a month ago, completely out of nowhere. It was only a 3 month relationship but the intensity of it is incomparable. I felt so loved, adored and valued that any defenses in me came down and I completely trusted this person with my heart. She told me I was her favourite person in the world and had such intense positive emotions towards me I took that to mean there was something solid there.

I had just bought a car for her to make coming to see me easier and help her with some family issues, also booked a two week holiday for us -  a few days after both these purchases she broke up - giving the reason that her feelings changed 30 mins ago and she had to tell me as soon as possible.

When I pushed for a reason I could understand she said it was because I required too much support. I still can't understand this as I was being incredibly supportive to her, emotionally, financially, physically. She told me when we met she could not work due to having BPD and would love to have some therapy to help her. I gave her money for that for her birthday but she never acted on it. I guess she was feeling anxious about taking that step.

I may have got a bit stressed in the last week before the breakup, I had a lot on, buying a car, booking a holiday, finishing a 3 month contract at work in a mentally demanding IT job along with being their emotionally for things she was going through with her family. I'm picking myself apart trying to see how I must have been a terrible partner for her feelings to have changed so dramatically and suddenly. Looking at myself I can see how I caused all of this to happen. I know that isn't true but that is where my mind is going.

I am still in shock 1 month on, having panic attacks when ever I see a couple together, I had constant suicidal thoughts for two weeks after, the emotional and physical pain was like nothing I had ever experienced. I haven't slept properly for weeks, waking up at 2am thinking about her. Maybe it would be easier if I felt angry but I simply feel compassion and love for her.

Wanted to reach out for some support from anyone who may have gone through the same experience and come out the other end.

Many thanks for listening.
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Rev
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« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2020, 07:28:21 PM »

Hi Ag,

Happy labor day weekend assuming that you are in North America!

And welcome - sorry that you have experienced this - but happy that you have found us.

Yes - these relationships can present tremendous challenges because they are difficult to process. They blindside us.

So I just wanted to let you know that I read this. And that you are not alone. You will find great help here.

Tell me. Is there a concern or question that you might have in particular?  And do you have access to at therapist?  The heaviness of our thoughts are further complicated by Covid.  A therapist can help you pick apart what is simply due to the breakup and what is compounded by other things.

Be well and stay safe.

Rev
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legalboxers
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« Reply #2 on: September 06, 2020, 07:46:16 PM »

@Ag Hello hope you are ok. I know what you are feeling, we are all here. She put me through the wringer for 5 months. So I know that pain all too well. I am here if you need to vent or anything
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Kaufmann

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« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2020, 12:54:05 AM »

"When I pushed for a reason I could understand she said it was because I required too much support."

What did she mean by that? Did she mean that she was always giving you emotional support?

This sounds like projection. The woman I love does the same thing to me. I'm always there for her, always listening to her, helping her anyway I can. And yet she says that I'm needy, that she can't marry me because it would be like having another child. And I promise you, nothing could be further from the truth.

I'm sorry you're experiencing so much pain. My own heart is filled with so much pain tonight.

How to make the pain go away? I don't completely know myself. Sometimes I remind myself that she is sick, that her disorder is driving her behavior. Sometimes I vent to friends, who assure me that her accusations aren't true.

I'm so sorry. I hope some of my words help.
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Agshoe

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« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2020, 04:54:43 AM »

Thanks for your replies everyone - really appreciate the opportunity to share and be heard. Most of my friends who I talk to about it just tell me to block her and forget about it.

 @legalboxers -  it softens the blow somewhat knowing you have experienced something similar, thank you for giving me the space to vent.

@Kaufmann - thanks for your insight, yes she meant I required too much emotional support, and yes it does feel like projection. I just don't get where the self awareness is to acknowledge any of the past help I provided? I'm not asking for a medal. I didn't do it because I wanted anything in return, I was just concerned for her given she had told me she was thinking of taking heroin and becoming a prostitute when we met. She wasn't working, smoking weed every day and felt she could never work because of her mental illness and her body was covered in hundreds of scars from cutting. She started feeling better about life and stopped smoking weed after a few weeks with me, started exercising and eating really well. Though in the same instance she told me she was surprised her particular situation effected me in anyway.

Sounds like you have the same experience, sorry to hear you are in pain. Are you still with her? There were times towards the end that I did require some support but like I said I was starting to feel drained, smothered without any space to process everything I was holding. Surely all relationships are about mutual support when it is necessary? It's difficult to find the anger to "blame" her, we only had one very  minor falling out during the entire relationship. It's very hard to see what was not working given how compatible, connected and happy we both were.

@Rev - Thanks for the kind words. I'm actually in the UK. You are right about the blindsiding. Yes, I have started seeing a therapist, it's helping. My question would be how to deal with the lack of closure, the confusion, the feeling in my body of still being with her. I know it's partly to do with all the intense positive emotions she showed me, the constant validation, attention, love bombing - I don't know if part of it is a comedown from all the chemicals she triggered in my body to release. Perhaps it's more just the trust, trusting that the intensity of the positive feelings meant something solid, which caused me to open and commit so fully. Yes, covid can play a part, I had been very isolated in lock down before we met, to go from that to such an intense connection and back to isolation is partly causing my feelings.

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Rev
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« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2020, 10:16:12 AM »


@Rev - Thanks for the kind words. I'm actually in the UK. You are right about the blindsiding. Yes, I have started seeing a therapist, it's helping. My question would be how to deal with the lack of closure, the confusion, the feeling in my body of still being with her. I know it's partly to do with all the intense positive emotions she showed me, the constant validation, attention, love bombing - I don't know if part of it is a comedown from all the chemicals she triggered in my body to release. Perhaps it's more just the trust, trusting that the intensity of the positive feelings meant something solid, which caused me to open and commit so fully. Yes, covid can play a part, I had been very isolated in lock down before we met, to go from that to such an intense connection and back to isolation is partly causing my feelings.



That is THE question as far as I am concerned.   At least it was for me. I took me a year of pretty steady work to get the last splinters out of me.  These relationships are so disorienting.

From my experience, the only pwBPD live in a world of feelings based facts and so even what she may offer you today will inevitably change.  For me, education, new habits and time were the only way. My therapist was more of a coach than anything. 

One thing is for sure, when you come out the other side, you will learn where you were vulnerable and why.   Your BS meter will be much much better. I am finding it quite liberating now.  And I don't mean that I have somehow become more vigilant - like a newly minted person who has quit smoking by sheer will power and then stays in the zone by continually lecturing others on the dangers of smoking. No - it's more that whatever drew me to my ex in the first place I simply no longer find attractive. 

Hang in there. You got this.

Rev
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legalboxers
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« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2020, 07:11:19 PM »

@Agshoe thats why we are all here...
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« Reply #7 on: September 08, 2020, 05:23:37 AM »

Excerpt
I haven't slept properly for weeks, waking up at 2am thinking about her. Maybe it would be easier if I felt angry but I simply feel compassion and love for her.

i saw a doctor a number of months into my recovery, because i was experiencing suicidal ideation. it felt dismissive at the time, but his primary focus, initially, was how i was sleeping. a messed up sleep schedule can exacerbate depression, and depression can exacerbate a messed up sleep schedule.

antidepressants, and sleep meds, used responsibly, can really help.

the short version is that you are grieving a relationship that you had invested a great deal in. its a lot to grieve. its above and beyond just the loss of her. a part of you feels insignificant.

the longer version, if your goal is to reverse the breakup, is understanding what broke the relationship down in the first place. right now, that probably feels like a lot to take on.

shes a handful, for sure.

are you in contact at all?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Rev
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« Reply #8 on: September 08, 2020, 07:57:32 AM »


From my experience, the only pwBPD live in a world of feelings based facts and so even what she may offer you today will inevitably change.  For me, education, new habits and time were the only way. My therapist was more of a coach than anything. 


The above sentence should read -

From my experience, the only closure you will find is the closure you discern for yourself, with the help of someone outside your relationship. pwBPD live in a world of feelings based facts and so even what she may offer you today will inevitably change.  For me, education, new habits and time were the only way. My therapist was more of a coach than anything. 
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legalboxers
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« Reply #9 on: September 08, 2020, 08:41:43 AM »

@Agshoe

" I am still in shock 1 month on, having panic attacks when ever I see a couple together, I had constant suicidal thoughts for two weeks after, the emotional and physical pain was like nothing I had ever experienced. I haven't slept properly for weeks, waking up at 2am thinking about her. Maybe it would be easier if I felt angry but I simply feel compassion and love for her. "

Ive been there.. for a month and 2 weeks. Its just like looking at a hole in the ground. Its the worst feeling. All I do is sleep. I dont do anything really. I use to love playing my role play game called Second Life. So I know how it feels. Like I said we are all here, we are here to listen, Im here to listen and try and absorb what is told to me and try and help people who are in the same boat as us.

As @Rev @Once Removed as well as many others say, it does get better. Im still getting there..
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Agshoe

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« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2020, 02:41:43 PM »

Thanks for all your comments, thoughts and words of support.

Something switched in me yesterday, I had enough space in my head from thoughts about her, attempting to understand, rationalise, have conversations with her that I made it to the pharmacy and stocked up on anti-depressants, anti-anxiety and sleep aids, all herbal. Here's the list if anyone else needs some support -

St.Johns Wort
Passion Flower
Ashwagandha
Valerian
Phenergan (It's an anti-histamine but has some anti-anxiety/sleep effects)

I took one of each yesterday, when I woke at 3am and some this morning. Today has been much easier. All that mental and emotional energy I was still directing at her, as I had been in the relationship, became more available for myself, to care for myself. I must have got about 8 hours sleep, made so much difference.

A thought that came to me this week I will share -

The inner child connection is what I was most struggling with. I meditated on my inner child today and found I had internalised my ex's inner child - that's who's needs I was caring for. It was a brutal and painful realisation. My own co-dependence writ large, yet it is only now that I am experiencing the suffering. The pain of my inner child no longer being cared for by her and the intense pain of her inner child inside me who's pain is not mine and who's needs I cannot meet as they are no longer here. Separating that out is psychologically and emotionally tough. I feel like I have an internal boundary between the two then an hour later it slips back to where it was and I loose my connection to myself.
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Rev
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« Reply #11 on: September 10, 2020, 10:17:04 PM »


A thought that came to me this week I will share -

The inner child connection is what I was most struggling with. I meditated on my inner child today and found I had internalised my ex's inner child - that's who's needs I was caring for. It was a brutal and painful realisation. My own co-dependence writ large, yet it is only now that I am experiencing the suffering. The pain of my inner child no longer being cared for by her and the intense pain of her inner child inside me who's pain is not mine and who's needs I cannot meet as they are no longer here. Separating that out is psychologically and emotionally tough. I feel like I have an internal boundary between the two then an hour later it slips back to where it was and I loose my connection to myself.

There's a biblical quote that talks about fullers soap and refiner's fire.  It is true that often the most important lessons we need to learn can also be the most painful. Self awareness can be like that sometimes. And it can even take time to realize the benefits. It hurts.  And we are proud of you for coming to this place. Because others were proud of us for the same reasons.

One day, you will pay this forward to the next person in search of their path.

Hang in there.

Rev
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« Reply #12 on: September 11, 2020, 04:05:41 AM »

i love passion flower and ashwaghanda. passion flower stopped my daily anxiety attacks cold.

dont expect that these things will be a cure all, but my experience was similar, in that they gave me so much more space to grieve and to process. and consistent, good nights sleep will go so far.

are the two of you in any contact?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Agshoe

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« Reply #13 on: September 12, 2020, 04:36:02 AM »

 Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) once removed - yeah, passion flower is great for anxiety. Stopped me thinking about things all day! Had some space for my own life. The sleep is still not great, hopefully that will come. But no more really dark thoughts - touch wood.

No not in contact, at least not for the past 10 days or so.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Rev
Thanks Rev, great quote and perspective. I've found it's taken off all my outer layers and they are slowly coming back, regrowing the self around a core that's had some deep cleaning. Coming out of that place of total focus on it into sending some of that energy towards me. Found a new place to live that isn't so isolated, moving this week, a fresh new environment will be good for me. Thanks
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Rev
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« Reply #14 on: September 12, 2020, 04:47:06 AM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) once removed - yeah, passion flower is great for anxiety. Stopped me thinking about things all day! Had some space for my own life. The sleep is still not great, hopefully that will come. But no more really dark thoughts - touch wood.

No not in contact, at least not for the past 10 days or so.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Rev
Thanks Rev, great quote and perspective. I've found it's taken off all my outer layers and they are slowly coming back, regrowing the self around a core that's had some deep cleaning. Coming out of that place of total focus on it into sending some of that energy towards me. Found a new place to live that isn't so isolated, moving this week, a fresh new environment will be good for me. Thanks

Hey Ag

That sounds awesome.....  the new living conditions were really the start for me too.  I am still finding that I am cleaning out old relationships that are based on me tolerating what I really didn't want to accept but told myself I had no choice.

As a public person, I have had to really discern what the difference is between a friend, an acquaintance, a pure "client" (ie - someone who wants/needs something without giving much in return to my personal life but will in my professional life) and a predator - which then I am at the stage of understanding that there are degrees of predatory behavior.

My ex was abusive and a predator.  If it wasn't for my friends who helped teach me how to survive the abuse in such a way that I did not live my victimhood as part of my emerging identity, I would have ended up in hospital for sure.

Hang in there.  One step at a time.  You end up growing back bigger. And you'll pay it forward one day.

Rev
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« Reply #15 on: September 16, 2020, 12:19:31 AM »

i am glad you have found some peace. i know how hard the early days can be.

how are you feeling these days? do you still want to reconnect or leaning toward detaching?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Agshoe

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« Reply #16 on: September 17, 2020, 12:04:16 PM »

@Once Removed - Yes, it is getting easier, compared to how I was in the first week the difference is massive. Thanks for asking Smiling (click to insert in post) Haven't had any suicidal thoughts for over a week.  Still running through conversations in my head, but having some brain space where I am thinking about other things and my future. Been staying with some family the past week and having some company has been great, even if I'm not saying much to them.

I still love her and would like to reconnect, is that a healthy idea and why? Are two questions I should probably have a think about. There wasn't as I have read in lots of posts on this forum any abuse, any arguments or conflict. I did send her a message when I was in the city she lives in, I live 200 miles away, seeing friends to see if she wanted to meet up to have a chat as we haven't seen each other since we were together and everything was positive - to get some closure. But she said "she didn't feel like it, sorry."

Like @Rev said, finding closure is something I'm having to do myself, by writing lots of letters to her and not sending them. There's lots I'd like to say as during the relationship I wasn't really focused on how I was feeling or expressing that, mainly focused on her emotions and what she needed. I kind of lost my voice, if that makes sense. It's all pretty intense and analytical thoughts and I know enough about her to gauge that this wouldn't be well received - it would be too much. I guess the difference I'm feeling in myself is that I'm starting to feel a lot less stressed, some of the resentment I had built up inside me towards her from giving more than I could is fading. Also some projection I was doing on to her from a painful relationship I had with a girl with NPD a few years ago that did contain abuse, manipulation and completely messed me up.

I've been trying to learn from this experience about myself, though there's a danger of taking too much responsibility and blaming myself for everything. I'm facing some things to do with co-dependence that are helping me to grow.

Watched a great video on BPD and other cluster B disorders from the perspective of Object Relation Theory. It blew my mind!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lv0qJ4UlcHE
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« Reply #17 on: September 17, 2020, 03:56:31 PM »

Why do I miss my ex? She tried to choke me and beat me with an extension cord....
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« Reply #18 on: September 18, 2020, 03:35:43 AM »

tread carefully with sam vaknin, richard grannon, and youtube videos in general.

the two, in particular, are regarded pretty controversially in the clinical psychology field, and pretty out there.

regarding getting together, she may not be ready. maybe she will be eventually, its hard to say.

Excerpt
I still love her and would like to reconnect, is that a healthy idea and why? Are two questions I should probably have a think about.


what do you think?
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Rev
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« Reply #19 on: September 18, 2020, 03:42:27 AM »



Watched a great video on BPD and other cluster B disorders from the perspective of Object Relation Theory. It blew my mind!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lv0qJ4UlcHE

Sam Vaknin is awesome, and if you can absorb him, the best of the free youtubers.  He helped me a lot.   Sobering way of putting things into perspective and the thing the I really got out of it was the realism that he brings.   Not for the faint of heart, but when I was ready to hear what he had to say about about being with a person with NPD / BPD was like, I inevitably asked myself who it was that I had become, without negative self talk or blame of others, that I wanted a relationship with a person like that.

He just makes things that objective.

Legal - you might want to check out his stuff - regarding your questions. Remind me again - are you in therapy?  If not, what's the reason for that. If so, I'd be curious to know what kind of things your T is asking you about the effects of the abusive you lived.

Hang in there everybody.

Rev
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Agshoe

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« Reply #20 on: September 23, 2020, 11:14:29 AM »

Just a space to vent again from me.

My BPD ex got back in contact to see how I was doing. Had a chat on what's app - lots of questions her side about what i'm up to but no answers to any general questions I asked about her life and how she is. She seemed fine, happy and chatty.

Stupidly I asked if she could give me a some more info on what happened and why she broke up. She gave me a new reason I hadn't heard before. It was about lifestyle and how different they were. When I asked her to explain this she said drugs and diet. She smokes weed and I don't though she told me she wanted to quit when we got together and stopped smoking and was feeling much better. Also I'm pretty organised with what I eat, nutrition wise, makes sure I hit all my nutrients and macros to stay healthy, she just goes with what ever she feels like eating. Though when she was living with me she was eating what I was and telling me she felt great doing so.

Again confusing as hell.

She also said lifestyle and other things. When I asked what the other things were she got quite defensive and angry, and that she had already explained everything and that's all the closure she would give me. I did ask if she would be up for meeting in person just to say goodbye in person.

She told me never to contact her again.

Wish I hadn't replied now, opened it up again for me when I was beginning to stop thinking about it. I'm fine that it cannot work out between two people, it happens. But surely you can have a conversation about that in person and have closure by understanding what the reasons were so you are both on the same page, be happy for the time you shared together, have a hug and say goodbye with gratitude for what you shared and peace in your heart.

As she has told me there is nothing I have to feel sorry for, I don't understand the space she is in not to be able to have a cool conversation and end things with a smile. Nothing bad happened, no cheating, arguments or fights.

Back to the un-understanding space!

Thanks for listening team.

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« Reply #21 on: September 24, 2020, 03:10:54 AM »

if you asked me, at the time, why my ex and i broke up, it would sound very different than what i would tell you now. and what i would tell you now might even be different in a few years. im sure the same is true for my ex.

the person that does the breaking up tends to be in a very different place than the person they broke up with. their feelings are different. their narrative of what happened is different. the stage of grief they are in is different.

thats partly why you feel a disconnect between how you felt, and what shes telling you.

Excerpt
I'm fine that it cannot work out between two people, it happens

underneath it all, this is what she is telling you: that you were different people. shes just grasping at reasons.

she grasped at reasons because you asked for them. its hard to say whether those are things that were weighing on her at the time, or things that stand out to her in hindsight. if i had to guess, its probably some of both, but mostly the latter.

Excerpt
But surely you can have a conversation about that in person and have closure by understanding what the reasons were so you are both on the same page, be happy for the time you shared together, have a hug and say goodbye with gratitude for what you shared and peace in your heart.

this is, by far, more the exception than the norm.

one of the hardest lessons of my life was that i had to determine those things for myself, and that my ex (any of my exes) may not share the sentiment. that generally speaking, an ex loved one cannot help you heal.

this is critical - whether you want to reconcile the relationship, or whether you want to detach.

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« Reply #22 on: September 24, 2020, 10:26:12 AM »

Thanks for your reply Onceremoved.

Very wise advice, helpful and insightful.

I think I did myself quite an injury speaking again. Opened up the wound that was healing. When I re-read my first post it is quite insane that I would not honour my needs and hurt by protecting myself from her.

On reflection when we had just spoke, I was sharing my positive feelings, my life, what I was up to, how good I felt. In response to all her questions. In response to any of my chatty questions nothing was shared. I did myself an injury by giving again, the little I had built up since my first post, the healing I had done. And got back down to zero emotionally. Giving away your Gold as Robert Bly or Robert Moore would say.

Not sure after all the hard work to heal such a wound I would expose myself again....

Thanks again for the insight and experience you shared. It helped me find some more peace inside myself.
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« Reply #23 on: September 27, 2020, 02:07:43 AM »

Something that I would share that I'm aware of.

When I think of my journey from being told it was over to now, it's one of peeling back my own layers.

When I she first told me it was over, I didn't have an emotional response apart from confusion. I didn't think I'd done something wrong or felt any guilt or blame. I was in a really happy space in myself and she had just communicated lots of positive feelings towards me.

What has happened I see now is that which each explanation I give or understanding I share from self enquiry and thinking about her feelings - that isn't acknowledged, I don't mean ignored but just having a response that doesn't appear to have understood anything I've said. I take that as an indication that it must be something deeper, so I go one layer down in myself, disavowing what I thought was happening, was true. To the point where my whole sense of self has been eroded, every layer of myself. And where I am now is feeling like I need to apologise for simply being a bad person!


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« Reply #24 on: September 27, 2020, 04:27:00 AM »

Hi Agshoe,

Reading through your post I see you've already had some great advice and support from members. It's great to read that you're also using this opportunity for taking stock of not just your thoughts and feelings but looking deeper in to why.

It's easy to fall in to the trap of putting others thoughts and feelings before your own. Try your best to recognise this and correct it. YOU ALWAYS COME FIRST!

It's always hard when life hits you with something like this. In my opinion, stick to no contact and put some work in to finding out where you are in your life, what you want, set some goals and go for it Smiling (click to insert in post) You'll thank yourself down the line.
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« Reply #25 on: September 27, 2020, 05:18:15 AM »

Thanks for your reply Jonny.

You are right about that. Yesterday I woke up early, went down to the beach and sang some kirtan with my harmonium to the rising sun. Felt so good. This morning I woke up at 2am chain smoked and wrote a letter to my ex (which I haven't sent) apologising. It's like such a fragile edge sending that energy and love to myself, then the mind worms start appearing and down I go, not eating and caring for myself and wanting her to feel okay.

No contact is the only way, thanks for reminding me of that.

Peace

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« Reply #26 on: September 27, 2020, 10:33:45 AM »

@Rev @Once Removed @Agshoe So this person calls me the other day, claiming how I called code enforcement on them, when I didnt, stating she "asked her friends with the fire dept" who claimed it was me. She went on for hours on how I was lying to her, when I did not. She stated her man said "talk to my mom".  Why would he even say this to her ? I dont know what is going on there.
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« Reply #27 on: September 27, 2020, 06:35:08 PM »

@Rev @Once Removed @Agshoe So this person calls me the other day, claiming how I called code enforcement on them, when I didnt, stating she "asked her friends with the fire dept" who claimed it was me. She went on for hours on how I was lying to her, when I did not. She stated her man said "talk to my mom".  Why would he even say this to her ? I dont know what is going on there.

So that's major baiting.... not sure what else to say in the absence of a direct question.

But yeah ... baiting... put no stock in this, nor should you try to make sense of it.

Rev
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« Reply #28 on: September 27, 2020, 07:27:25 PM »

@Rev - knowing me, being the true New Yorker..and true to my name (in my field) I didnt back down. I know it wasnt me since you need to be part of the state and town to file such a complaint. Again, she had no facts and came with the answer "since I follow the fire, police and Mayor" it has me written all over it.  I did nothing wrong, Im standing by what Im saying. I had people message me only when I was with her. She denied nothing was going on but within 10 hours later, she goes to some other guy? She also said she wanted no memories of me, but she has  two t-shirt which wears, which I bought her, and bras which I bought her, and still has my comments on her page and me in a relationship with her on her page. Too many inconsistencies. I changed my number just so I can have a piece of mind. Shes blocked on my facebook, only way to contact me is through email, which I doubt will happen.
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« Reply #29 on: September 28, 2020, 11:02:58 AM »

Thanks for your reply Jonny.

You are right about that. Yesterday I woke up early, went down to the beach and sang some kirtan with my harmonium to the rising sun. Felt so good. This morning I woke up at 2am chain smoked and wrote a letter to my ex (which I haven't sent) apologising. It's like such a fragile edge sending that energy and love to myself, then the mind worms start appearing and down I go, not eating and caring for myself and wanting her to feel okay.

No contact is the only way, thanks for reminding me of that.

Peace

Glad to hear Agshoe and I completely understand about the mind worms. If this does get you down, what could you put in place for when those worms begin to emerge? What would cause you to change your thoughts to gear towards a more positive outcome?

One example I like to use is I used to have an elastic bracelet on my wrist (but you could quite easily use something like a rubber band) and when I noticed I was having negative thoughts I wanted to get rid of I would twang it and repeat quotes like "I am unbreakable", "This too shall pass" and "I am excited about all the wonderful things on their way in to my life". Easier said than done but I found this helped me massively in the early stages of any kind of trauma.

One question that I didn't mention which is quite important is do you have a counsellor or therapist you can talk to? This would be massively beneficial to keep you on a better path!

Also as a smoker myself (soon to be ex-smoker) I'd like to say smoking although it feels like it helps, does not... Infact this contributes to things like anxiety and lack of energy massively and obviously health issues which I'm sure I don't need to tell you about Smiling (click to insert in post) I can highly reccomend the book by Allan Carr - The Easy Way to Quit Smoking. Hopefully changes as good as this one should you choose to go for it will help you not only paint a better picture of yourself, but help create the person you want to become...

Stay strong, continue doing thigs that make you feel awesome and remember, a bad chapter does not mean a bad book. This too shall pass  With affection (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #30 on: September 28, 2020, 02:00:54 PM »

@Rev - knowing me, being the true New Yorker..and true to my name (in my field) I didnt back down. I know it wasnt me since you need to be part of the state and town to file such a complaint.

Totally hear you - I come from big construction on the marketing side prior to doing what I do now.  There is always the option to fight fire with fire, if you are willing to turn the tables psychologically - I would only recommend that if you need to protect yourself personally, professionally and publicly.

I have a cease and desist issued by my lawyer. It wasn't fun.  I paid a short term price for it for longer term gain. Basically I needed to sit on my hands, keep my mouth shut (still!) and let others step in.  Eventually they did and she got fired. 

So hang in there.

Rev
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« Reply #31 on: September 29, 2020, 04:02:12 AM »

are you still wanting to reconcile the relationship, or detach from it?

ironically, if the two of you are still in contact, the path (the dos and donts) look similar, but strategy matters a lot.
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Agshoe

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« Reply #32 on: October 02, 2020, 02:36:27 PM »

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) Jonny

Thanks for your kind words. Something has shifted the past two days. No longer having these long conversations in my head with her. I wrote her a ridiculously long email, apologising for things. Which to an objective observer would appear strange and normal within a relationship. Not having that closure and the sudden change of emotions, which I'm sure you all have experienced led me down a path of guilt.

Haven't sent the email. Every time I don't, I get some sense of myself back. A bit more solidity in my core. It has helped getting it all out. No longer having those conversations as it's all been written out.

I have tried to challenge those mind worms and thoughts when they arise. Thankfully they are decreasing as I move out of that space. I've stopped chain watching videos on BPD, my emotions are calming down and I'm coming up from that very deep place inside, and the wounds that are there relating to my co-dependence.

A big step forward today was to release some anger towards her, which I haven't done since the break up. That verbal acknowledgement of my pain and how she had hurt me felt good to release. Switching the focus from her needs and feelings onto mine at last. There's a good talk from the Minnesota Men's Conference where James Hillman talks about expressing what ever need you have verbally out in to the world, he uses the example of feeling lonely. And honouring this feeling by calling out to the world "I don't want to be alone anymore" Really owning and feeling the truth of it all in your body and soul.

Honouring that I was hurt today and that she hurt me was a big step in reconstituting my fractured self.

I love your idea with the elastic band, using it to trigger positive affirmations. It is trauma isn't it? Which I feel needs to be given a voice to somehow come out of the body. Today I lay on a concrete slab by the edge of the ocean and moaned out this deep pain from my gut. More of that is in order!

Yes I am seeing a therapist, one who deals specifically with co-dependence. He has some good youtubes on inner child work and co-dependence.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjHYbFFbeQs

Thanks for the smoking tips. Quite right it makes everything worse, your body feels more tired, sleeping is worse and mentally I feel PLEASE READ about myself for being addicted to something. Thankfully, touch wood, just finished day one on will power alone. I did buy some 5-HTP, CBD oil and  L-Theanine which I took last night, felt much more calm today. Though I woke at 2am and have been up since then after a intense dream about her. It's crazy how much the experience has effected my unconscious - but then the unconscious doesn't have a concept of linear time. Insomnia continues....

I went on a date a few days ago. Eros has left me but I thought it may be good to challenge the thoughts that my pwBPD ex would be the only chance of me having happiness with another. What are other peoples experiences of 1st dates after BPD breakups? How long did you leave it? The experience felt muted compared to the intensity of my ex, but perhaps that is a good thing for now.

Yes, I'm starting to feel it is passing. At least, a door is opening to myself.


@Once  Removed -

The last message she sent was for me to never contact her again. If I wanted to it isn't possible to reconcile the relationship. Do I want to? Given how this last month has gone, no. From all I have read and learnt it isn't advisable to be in a relationship with someone with BPD unless they are in therapy. She wanted that, I gave her some money to enable that, but she never did anything about it even with my emotional support. I doubt that will happen anytime soon now I am not in the picture. It would have been cool to leave things in a better place but that isn't possible. I also need to look at my co-dependence issues that cause me to have such an attraction to her in the first place.....
It's difficult at this stage to unpick my positive feelings for her to work out what was about her and what was my
co-dependence and feeling love through being needed. The healthiest thing is to detach from it and heal.
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« Reply #33 on: October 02, 2020, 03:04:43 PM »

Writing my feelings and thoughts down on paper really helped me get through my divorce.  No BPD was involved.

I would write letters that were never to be sent to her.  That is the golden rule these are just for your eyes only.  Feel free to explode on paper and express every bad thought you have about her.  Pretend you are speaking directly to her and get all of the hate out.  NEVER EVER SEND THIS LETTER.  Destroy it when you are done.

Good luck with your journey.     
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« Reply #34 on: October 03, 2020, 01:11:25 PM »

@Agshoe checking on you are you ok?
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« Reply #35 on: October 05, 2020, 05:32:07 AM »

@legalboxes

Thanks for checking in - yes doing better thanks. In my mood and thoughts Smiling (click to insert in post)
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