Jonny
Thanks for your kind words. Something has shifted the past two days. No longer having these long conversations in my head with her. I wrote her a ridiculously long email, apologising for things. Which to an objective observer would appear strange and normal within a relationship. Not having that closure and the sudden change of emotions, which I'm sure you all have experienced led me down a path of guilt.
Haven't sent the email. Every time I don't, I get some sense of myself back. A bit more solidity in my core. It has helped getting it all out. No longer having those conversations as it's all been written out.
I have tried to challenge those mind worms and thoughts when they arise. Thankfully they are decreasing as I move out of that space. I've stopped chain watching videos on BPD, my emotions are calming down and I'm coming up from that very deep place inside, and the wounds that are there relating to my co-dependence.
A big step forward today was to release some anger towards her, which I haven't done since the break up. That verbal acknowledgement of my pain and how she had hurt me felt good to release. Switching the focus from her needs and feelings onto mine at last. There's a good talk from the Minnesota Men's Conference where James Hillman talks about expressing what ever need you have verbally out in to the world, he uses the example of feeling lonely. And honouring this feeling by calling out to the world "I don't want to be alone anymore" Really owning and feeling the truth of it all in your body and soul.
Honouring that I was hurt today and that she hurt me was a big step in reconstituting my fractured self.
I love your idea with the elastic band, using it to trigger positive affirmations. It is trauma isn't it? Which I feel needs to be given a voice to somehow come out of the body. Today I lay on a concrete slab by the edge of the ocean and moaned out this deep pain from my gut. More of that is in order!
Yes I am seeing a therapist, one who deals specifically with co-dependence. He has some good youtubes on inner child work and co-dependence.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjHYbFFbeQsThanks for the smoking tips. Quite right it makes everything worse, your body feels more tired, sleeping is worse and mentally I feel
PLEASE READ about myself for being addicted to something. Thankfully, touch wood, just finished day one on will power alone. I did buy some 5-HTP, CBD oil and L-Theanine which I took last night, felt much more calm today. Though I woke at 2am and have been up since then after a intense dream about her. It's crazy how much the experience has effected my unconscious - but then the unconscious doesn't have a concept of linear time. Insomnia continues...
I went on a date a few days ago. Eros has left me but I thought it may be good to challenge the thoughts that my pwBPD ex would be the only chance of me having happiness with another. What are other peoples experiences of 1st dates after BPD breakups? How long did you leave it? The experience felt muted compared to the intensity of my ex, but perhaps that is a good thing for now.
Yes, I'm starting to feel it is passing. At least, a door is opening to myself.
@Once Removed -
The last message she sent was for me to never contact her again. If I wanted to it isn't possible to reconcile the relationship. Do I want to? Given how this last month has gone, no. From all I have read and learnt it isn't advisable to be in a relationship with someone with BPD unless they are in therapy. She wanted that, I gave her some money to enable that, but she never did anything about it even with my emotional support. I doubt that will happen anytime soon now I am not in the picture. It would have been cool to leave things in a better place but that isn't possible. I also need to look at my co-dependence issues that cause me to have such an attraction to her in the first place...
It's difficult at this stage to unpick my positive feelings for her to work out what was about her and what was my
co-dependence and feeling love through being needed. The healthiest thing is to detach from it and heal.
