Feeling Suicidal Since Break-up

[Rev]

@Rev - knowing me, being the true New Yorker..and true to my name (in my field) I didnt back down. I know it wasnt me since you need to be part of the state and town to file such a complaint.

Totally hear you - I come from big construction on the marketing side prior to doing what I do now.  There is always the option to fight fire with fire, if you are willing to turn the tables psychologically - I would only recommend that if you need to protect yourself personally, professionally and publicly.

I have a cease and desist issued by my lawyer. It wasn't fun.  I paid a short term price for it for longer term gain. Basically I needed to sit on my hands, keep my mouth shut (still!) and let others step in.  Eventually they did and she got fired. 

So hang in there.

Rev

[once removed]

are you still wanting to reconcile the relationship, or detach from it?

ironically, if the two of you are still in contact, the path (the dos and donts) look similar, but strategy matters a lot.

[Agshoe]

Jonny

Thanks for your kind words. Something has shifted the past two days. No longer having these long conversations in my head with her. I wrote her a ridiculously long email, apologising for things. Which to an objective observer would appear strange and normal within a relationship. Not having that closure and the sudden change of emotions, which I'm sure you all have experienced led me down a path of guilt.

Haven't sent the email. Every time I don't, I get some sense of myself back. A bit more solidity in my core. It has helped getting it all out. No longer having those conversations as it's all been written out.

I have tried to challenge those mind worms and thoughts when they arise. Thankfully they are decreasing as I move out of that space. I've stopped chain watching videos on BPD, my emotions are calming down and I'm coming up from that very deep place inside, and the wounds that are there relating to my co-dependence.

A big step forward today was to release some anger towards her, which I haven't done since the break up. That verbal acknowledgement of my pain and how she had hurt me felt good to release. Switching the focus from her needs and feelings onto mine at last. There's a good talk from the Minnesota Men's Conference where James Hillman talks about expressing what ever need you have verbally out in to the world, he uses the example of feeling lonely. And honouring this feeling by calling out to the world "I don't want to be alone anymore" Really owning and feeling the truth of it all in your body and soul.

Honouring that I was hurt today and that she hurt me was a big step in reconstituting my fractured self.

I love your idea with the elastic band, using it to trigger positive affirmations. It is trauma isn't it? Which I feel needs to be given a voice to somehow come out of the body. Today I lay on a concrete slab by the edge of the ocean and moaned out this deep pain from my gut. More of that is in order!

Yes I am seeing a therapist, one who deals specifically with co-dependence. He has some good youtubes on inner child work and co-dependence.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gjHYbFFbeQs

Thanks for the smoking tips. Quite right it makes everything worse, your body feels more tired, sleeping is worse and mentally I feel PLEASE READ about myself for being addicted to something. Thankfully, touch wood, just finished day one on will power alone. I did buy some 5-HTP, CBD oil and  L-Theanine which I took last night, felt much more calm today. Though I woke at 2am and have been up since then after a intense dream about her. It's crazy how much the experience has effected my unconscious - but then the unconscious doesn't have a concept of linear time. Insomnia continues...

I went on a date a few days ago. Eros has left me but I thought it may be good to challenge the thoughts that my pwBPD ex would be the only chance of me having happiness with another. What are other peoples experiences of 1st dates after BPD breakups? How long did you leave it? The experience felt muted compared to the intensity of my ex, but perhaps that is a good thing for now.

Yes, I'm starting to feel it is passing. At least, a door is opening to myself.


@Once  Removed -

The last message she sent was for me to never contact her again. If I wanted to it isn't possible to reconcile the relationship. Do I want to? Given how this last month has gone, no. From all I have read and learnt it isn't advisable to be in a relationship with someone with BPD unless they are in therapy. She wanted that, I gave her some money to enable that, but she never did anything about it even with my emotional support. I doubt that will happen anytime soon now I am not in the picture. It would have been cool to leave things in a better place but that isn't possible. I also need to look at my co-dependence issues that cause me to have such an attraction to her in the first place...
It's difficult at this stage to unpick my positive feelings for her to work out what was about her and what was my
co-dependence and feeling love through being needed. The healthiest thing is to detach from it and heal.

[rjjr1963]

Writing my feelings and thoughts down on paper really helped me get through my divorce.  No BPD was involved.

I would write letters that were never to be sent to her.  That is the golden rule these are just for your eyes only.  Feel free to explode on paper and express every bad thought you have about her.  Pretend you are speaking directly to her and get all of the hate out.  NEVER EVER SEND THIS LETTER.  Destroy it when you are done.

Good luck with your journey.     

[legalboxers]

@Agshoe checking on you are you ok?

[Agshoe]

@legalboxes

Thanks for checking in - yes doing better thanks. In my mood and thoughts

[Agshoe]

Hello everyone, thanks to all who posted replies and kind words during the time I was recovering from my relationship with a pwBPD. I wanted to drop a message in for anyone who may come across this post in the future, feeling as lost, hopeless and confused as I did.

It does get better and it did get better for me. It’s been nearly a year now and a great deal of healing has occurred. The experience strengthened me, shifted something inside to a place where I feel more resilient, more whole and a lots less needing of another. I’m not sure how or why that has happened, I haven’t done anything in particular, life has been quiet due to covid restrictions- there has been minimal drama in my life. Reflecting on that now I would say that has allowed my nervous system to fall back to a place of stillness- which is the opposite of being within the BPD whirlwind.

It’s such a over used phrase but time and stability of one’s environment, body and social connections are all great healers.

The pain has gone, the maddness, the questions all dissolved away, stay strong brothers and sisters x

[Rev]

Hello everyone, thanks to all who posted replies and kind words during the time I was recovering from my relationship with a pwBPD. I wanted to drop a message in for anyone who may come across this post in the future, feeling as lost, hopeless and confused as I did.

It does get better and it did get better for me. It’s been nearly a year now and a great deal of healing has occurred. The experience strengthened me, shifted something inside to a place where I feel more resilient, more whole and a lots less needing of another. I’m not sure how or why that has happened, I haven’t done anything in particular, life has been quiet due to covid restrictions- there has been minimal drama in my life. Reflecting on that now I would say that has allowed my nervous system to fall back to a place of stillness- which is the opposite of being within the BPD whirlwind.

It’s such a over used phrase but time and stability of one’s environment, body and social connections are all great healers.

The pain has gone, the maddness, the questions all dissolved away, stay strong brothers and sisters x

Awesome ... awesome ... awesome.

Rev

[Agshoe]

Hey team, just needed some space to vent. I’ve just come out of another toxic relationship this time with a girl who is codependent.

I saw the signs early on soon after we moved in together just before Covid lockdown last Christmas. I tried to talk about it with her but she just denied it existed. What progressed over the next few 6 months was her gradually testing my boundaries I had worked hard to establish after the last relationship I talked about in my last post.

Dumping all her emotional pain from her inner wounds on me time and time again. Instead of leaving when I knew I should I stayed. I didn’t protect myself or care for myself and let view of reality become the norm. I feel quite damaged now, as I went into that pain and became the parent again, as all those childhood wounds of hers got thrust upon me, I said no this isn’t okay, you can’t keep doing this. But nothing changed. I feel such conflict and trauma inside myself that it’s difficult to find myself again.

I’m back to not sleeping and my self care has gone radically down hill. I haven’t looked out for myself and I’m angry for that. For not being more selfish. It’s hard as I wanted to help but as I allowed and enabled the emotional abuse to continue I ended up bonding with that damaged little girl inside. And it feels toxic to have done that. I didn’t do that for 6 months, I stayed strong in my boundaries but the past 2 months I gradually allowed those boundaries to be eroded to the point where I have lost myself.

She broke up with me 3 times in the space of 6 weeks, the last time being a week before my birthday, while I was sick from the COVID vaccine, via email, after telling me how much she loved me the previous day, with a holiday I’d planned for us I’d been looking forward to for 6 months for my birthday a week away. I kept trying to work on helping her- hoping she would hear me, but her lack of emotional maturity and reactivity ensured nothing changed. After all I went through in my last relationship with a pwBPD I can’t believe I assumed logic and love and awareness would be able to change things. PLEASE READ. I am aware I have suffered three really traumatic events with her. I felt so strong a few months ago and should have ended it then. But i got sucked into caring for this little person who loved me so much, but it was the innocent love of a child seeing me as a parent. It feels so icky. I’ve gone back to not sleeping, not eating, chain smoking...I feel damaged. I feel her wounds inside me. And I’m finding it hard coming back to myself as not staying in cycles of thought about how she feels, wanting to explain, wanting her to see how her actions hurt me but she can’t. She couldn’t see herself, as I know it was unconscious. Anyway, thanks for listening. Love to you all.

[Rev]

Hey team, just needed some space to vent. I’ve just come out of another toxic relationship this time with a girl who is codependent.

 Anyway, thanks for listening. Love to you all.

Hey Ag,

The middle part of your message is details.  Here's the essence.

Life gives us as many chances as we need to get it right.  And life gives us the friends we need to reach out to so we can figure that out.

Listening we are. Loving you we will continue.

Rev

[Goosey]

“A thought that came to me this week I will share -

The inner child connection is what I was most struggling with. I meditated on my inner child today and found I had internalised my ex's inner child - that's who's needs I was caring for. It was a brutal and painful realisation. My own co-dependence writ large, yet it is only now that I am experiencing the suffering. The pain of my inner child no longer being cared for by her and the intense pain of her inner child inside me who's pain is not mine and who's needs I cannot meet as they are no longer here. Separating that out is psychologically and emotionally tough. I feel like I have an internal boundary between the two then an hour later it slips back to where it was and I loose my connection to myself.”

   Wow! Thank you for sharing that. Good stuff.
 

[Goosey]

Apologies I can’t “excerpt” haha.
(Damn old boomers we are haha )