Wife asked for a divorce at the end of treatment

[Scared2Lose]

My wife and I have been together 5 years and married for two of those years. About six months before our marriage things started to breakdown. I'd mention that she was growing more distant or that she was treating me poorly/ignoring me and our relationship (she's what I think is referred to as a quiet BPD).

I'll be the first to admit I didn't always handle it well. I felt her pulling away and it scared me and I lashed out and overreacted. I tried to point out to her the errors she was making. Doing so always lead to hours of fighting where she'd eventually disassociate, shutdown and walk away without ever having validated my feelings.

About a year and a half in we started going to counseling. He was great and helped a lot, but we didn't get anywhere as a couple as my wife projected our problems onto me and refused to take any measurable part of the blame for what was happening.

Just before the start of the pandemic, after talking to a friend whose mother has BPD, and my wife and I getting into another pointless spiraling argument, I suggested to her she may have BPD. She completely brokedown and to her credit, through tears and hyperventilating she asked that I help her get the help she needs.

We found an inpatient facility (my wife also suffers from debilitating anxiety and depression) but had to put off on her going because of the whole Coronavirus thing. Fast forward to a month ago, and after another fight, and her confiding in me that she was crying herself to sleep, unable to function, and thinking of suicide all the time, I did more research and came to the conclusion that she was more of a danger to herself out of treatment, than coronavirus posed inside.

She went, and I was alone and could breath and was sure that this was the first step to a new, better life for the both of us. Since she's mentioned numerous times in the past that I'm smothering her, or hovering and not allowing her time to think, I told her from the beginning that this time was for her. That I would be here when she got out, and that she should not feel guilty for not wanting to contact me or that she's left me holding the bag taking care of the house and our pets. "It's fine," I said. "Don't worry about anything but getting through this." I also told her that we could worry about "us" once she was back on level and feeling more prepared to do so.

I visited her twice (it's a two-hour drive for me) and she asked that I stop coming after the second vist. The expectation of how to act and how to be on these visits were too stressful for her. However on that second visit, halfway through her treatment, she was all kisses and snuggles and everything I remember her being and falling in love with. I was on the moon with happiness, I thought things were getting better.

Imagine my surprise when she wrote me an email saying that she was a different person when we got together than she is now. That, now that she's finding herself, she's realizing the way we got together was not healthy. That our relationship was not healthy, and that she never wanted to be married in the first place. That she loved me, but she married me because she thought it would be the solution to what she felt was wrong back then. She wants a divorce.

So I guess my question is this, is this a normal phase of her healing? Is it typical for a BPD person to go through treatment then realize what they thought they wanted was wrong? Is this a sign of progress for her and therefore an end to what we had?

And, of course, is there anything I can do to reverse it?

I appreciate any and all advice and insight.

--Scared2Lose

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