Dealing with sister with BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, I'm new to the group.  I am 48 and I have a 46 year old sister with BPD, it's been nearly 3 years since I cut off contact, but I am still struggling to come to terms with the abuse.  Despite no longer having contact with me, my sister still tries to triangulate between myself and my mother and is fixated on hating me.  She has 2 daughters.  The last time I saw my eldest niece was 2 years ago when my niece was 16 and we met for coffee.  Following this, my sister blasted me on social media and called me a paedophile for meeting her child without her knowledge.  She then threatened to throw my niece out of her home and since then I have never been allowed to see either of my nieces.

My sister displays all of the usual BPD behaviours.  Splitting, rages, altered reality.  She also claims to have several very serious illnesses, none of which are real.  She recently had her disability benefit stopped as it was proved to be fraudulent.  She constantly lies.  She lies about me, my mother, our extended family, her ex husband and any past friends.  She doesn't have any close friends because of her behaviour.

My mother is 71.  If my mother spends any time with me or mentions my name, my sister flies into a rage.  I recently took my mother for dinner and when my sister found out she was extremely verbally abusive to my mother and told her she was never to speak to my sister or my nieces again.  My nieces are used as a tool with which to to punish both my mother and me.

I've just discovered this group and was looking to connect with others who are having the same or similar experiences to mine.  I was also hoping to join the zoom meetings.

Thanks for listening.

[BigSister72]

Hello, I'm new to the group.  I am 48 and I have a 46 year old sister with BPD, it's been nearly 3 years since I cut off contact, but I am still struggling to come to terms with the abuse.  Despite no longer having contact with me, my sister still tries to triangulate between myself and my mother and is fixated on hating me.  She has 2 daughters.  The last time I saw my eldest niece was 2 years ago when my niece was 16 and we met for coffee.  Following this, my sister blasted me on social media and called me a paedophile for meeting her child without her knowledge.  She then threatened to throw my niece out of her home and since then I have never been allowed to see either of my nieces.

My sister displays all of the usual BPD behaviours.  Splitting, rages, altered reality.  She also claims to have several very serious illnesses, none of which are real.  She recently had her disability benefit stopped as it was proved to be fraudulent.  She constantly lies.  She lies about me, my mother, our extended family, her ex husband and any past friends.  She doesn't have any close friends because of her behaviour.

My mother is 71.  If my mother spends any time with me or mentions my name, my sister flies into a rage.  I recently took my mother for dinner and when my sister found out she was extremely verbally abusive to my mother and told her she was never to speak to my sister or my nieces again.  My nieces are used as a tool with which to to punish both my mother and me.

I've just discovered this group and was looking to connect with others who are having the same or similar experiences to mine.  I was also hoping to join the zoom meetings.

Thanks for listening.

[wantmorepeace]

Hi.  I have a sister with BPD also.  We are still in contact and right now she is sending me nasty texts that I am ignoring.  You are doing your best, and I am SO, SO sorry for what you are going through.  I know what you mean about the abuse.  It makes me mad that I am affected by my sister's attacks.  I feel like a loser for letting it get to me.  But we're not losers.  The literature shows that people who have family members with BPD suffer more than those with family members with schizophrenia.  It is crazy-making.  It interrupts my work and my life in general.  Right now, I am wanting to take something to put me to sleep.  But I'm not going to.  I'm going to keep doing my work.  If that doesn't work, I will go to sleep.

You are doing the best you can.  In fact, you are doing great. 

[missing NC]

Hello Bigsister 72 and wantmorepeace.  I too have a sister with BPD with strong antisocial traits.  I agree with wantmorepeace that the level of stress of having a family member with BPD is stratospherically higher than that of a member with schizophrenia.  My sister also used access to her children as a cudgel.  Losing my niece and nephew broke my heart, but I was not in a position to remain in contact with them.  My sister would split me or others for years at a time.  We had been no contact for a decade but are currently in contract through attorneys. 

One of my biggest regrets in life is not learning and practicing grey rock.  You would do well to read up on maintain neutrality in your tangential dealings with her.  Given her ongoing contact, your mother (Bigsister72) might benefit from some of the training either in Family Connections through NEABPD or in Survival Skills through BPD Global to learn how to validate and sooth her.  It's All Your Fault:  12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything by Bill Eddy is quite good.  Understanding his E.A.R. technique would probaby be quite useful for you and your mother. 

My heart goes out to you. 

[Hilla]

I also have a sister with traits, and all that triangulation with our mom, and my nieces, my dad, etc. Money issues, fighting, anger, so much painful stuff, really. For so long. All my life! A friend of mine asked me how I am doing spiritually right now, and it broke my heart to tell him about the sister. I said to him, "You have no idea." I can't bring myself to tell people about it, it is such a heavy heavy burden. Unreal. I am right now in a better part of the cycle, I guess I am in the rescuer/idealization curve.

BigSister72 I want you to know, I really feel you, I know exactly - I mean EXACTLY - what you are talking about. I hope this provides some relief. But it is truly awful to have to go through. I wonder about the people in the world who have no idea what this is like. Using the children as pawns and weapons is just the worst. It is so gross. I've been amazed by them though, since they were quite small, they've been onto her, and called her out too. I think they are adjusting, I think they are okay, but my mom and I have always worried. I feel so sorry for us on this thread, I really do. My dear old mother, she was totally beaten down by this, my sister's abusive treatment, her mean, mean nature, my poor mother fell apart. But my sister will still blame her for everything. My mother went through a trauma as a child and she had trouble in her marriage, trouble with family dynamics, but at the end of the day is a sweet soul. My sister can't see that, never got through the tough stuff. Very mean, very harsh, made everything worse, caused so much irreparable damage. I've only now accepted there is damage that can never be undone. I used to have more optimism, but now that I am in my 40s, I don't believe that anymore. I believe in protecting myself and being compassionate.

My only solution these days is to get outta there, if she starts in. I can't use much of the acronym tools, it is beyond that b/c she uses it against me. She is intelligent. So I've gotten loud and tried to be really tough about it. But she's crazy. There's no point except for me to show she cannot f**k with me. Took a long time to get here. It's all just annoying now.

The other day she was grilling me about my therapy. Her hardest hit was "Why isn't it working?" I mean it is hilarious, really. Only later did I know what the right response was, which is that it IS working, for ME! I don't pay for counseling so it will work for her. Just such a cheap shot.

Remember, it is HER burden, you know YOURself, you know your truth, and no one can take it from you. Okay?

The worst for me are the moments she calls me exactly what I am thinking about her, it is so creepy, so scary, when it first would happen I would get really confused and try to be logical, but nah, that is so pointless.

I googled Grey Rock and this made me laugh: "The grey rock method is a practice where an individual becomes emotionally non-responsive, boring, and virtually acts like a rock."