What's Going on Here?

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

So, he DID make it to the doc appointment.

He came home, we ate dinner, and then he talked about sitting on the front porch. He asked if I wanted a drink. I said I'd probably grab water. He said he won't have a drink then either. Fine by me! I'm not giving him "permission" if that's what he's looking for.

He keeps doing that with drinking, the last couple weeks. I enjoy a glass of wine, but since this whole BPD discovery, I need to stay totally focused. If I don't drink, he often doesn't either, which makes everything better.

We sat outside and he mentioned how he won't get in to see the psychiatrist until Oct 16. He said after that it would be several sessions until he'd take the test.

OMG

Is that true? It sort of makes sense but it's so far away!

Then, he mentioned getting a vasectomy. We'd already talked about it off and on for years. We didn't talk about it before this appointment that was supposed to be about the psych test.

Okay, so is he preparing to screw around again? Is this one of the steps he is taking to make sure he's safe and to show me he can be responsible about it? You know, he gets to play, and then come home to his happy family, clean house, laundry done, meals made, and homemade dessert sitting out. Those things don't go together! At least to a non. Ha.

He was more affectionate too. He tapped my foot like he always used to. Later in the evening, he actually touched my sides and kissed the top of my head. That's more affection than I've received in the last week+ since I brought up BPD.

We went to sleep at separate times again, my choice. I usually headed up when he did. I haven't done that since the blowup. When he raged about how I always want to talk to bed and for 15 years he told me not, I backed off. Chatting and laughing before bed is my favorite thing. That's what marriage is to me. So, after a night or two of laying there, and missing that terribly, while he was silent next to me, I decided NOT to go up at the same time. Which sucks, because I'm tired! HAHAHAHA

Anyway.

He's all chatty via text this morning. I've been purposely NOT responding immediately. I didn't realize how conditioned I was and felt I HAD TO CHECK RIGHT NOW because if I don't, I hear about it.

He's worked himself up plenty in the past, imagining that I'm dead, while he drives home from work, all because I don't respond. I thought it was odd. I still do. People don't instantly respond! We are busy! It's a stupid phone!

But today, I responded. He's been chatty and joking and I'm just...am I the nutty one?

All this stuff happened. Even last night, I shifted in my seat, adjusting the lower portion of my wrap dress. He said, "Don't care if you flash the neighborhood, do you?" I calmly responded that my knees were together. Also? NO ONE WAS OUTSIDE OR DRIVING BY. And, I am not interested in that behavior anyway! HE'S the one who had to be reminded to stop undressing or walking past an open window naked before!

After he asked for space the other day, he went upstairs, worked out, took a shower, then sent me a half naked pic of himself. Like. I. Care. He's not as attractive as he thinks he is right now.

So much back and forth behavior. Pushing and pulling. I feel nuts!

I did set up his therapy appointment. It's Saturday in the afternoon. I like her. He will hate her. But, our therapists will be able to confer. So that is something. We Nons are approaching it as working on us, on our marriage.

Also, I saw someone else once mention a sort of caretaking attitude. At least for awhile.

Anyone else have that experience?

He was VERY stable in that mode and spent the better portion of the best year we ever had in it (just this past year). He's  currently swearing more, is more angry about his new job than I'd like to see, angry in general about STUPID DUMB THINGS, and keeps wanting to spend money. I'm getting a car today (Thank you God!). I'd like to STOP spending money.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

Why do you think he will hate the therapist? Do you think he will continue to go if he doesn't like her?

I know what you mean about sometimes wondering if you're the nutty one. The mood changes and sudden shift in behaviors can leave the non reeling and questioning reality.

Have you heard of the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells?" it's recommended here on this site and also by many therapists. It explains a lot of the behaviors of a BPD person and how their minds work as opposed to a non.

Another book that may be good for you to check out, given some of the things you have disclosed in other threads, is "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

I'm sorry I didn't get the response in sooner. I tried to respond yesterday but there were internet issues and then I forgot about coming back to the thread until today. How did the therapy appointment go?

[TrulyMadlyDeeply]

He is still in the "needing space" mode.

He said it means that he doesn't want to be loving or affectionate with me.

Oh, okay. Great.

He told me that his therapist told him that never in her 25 years has she ever had someone else call to set up an appointment for someone else. He said that she said that psychiatric tests don't work like that, where you go in and just get a test, and that's not how it happens.

I don't know what to believe. I said I had no idea how the test would work. How would I know?

He told me to shut up this morning when I tried to explain why I wanted a car, etc. I said I understood he was frustrated but that it's not okay to say that to me. He said it was because I am telling him how to feel. But I was telling him the facts and OMG the rollercoaster.

*tear my hair*

He feels like I'm prepping for divorce. Stupid reasons why: wanting a car (OMG is this a thing? How is this a thing? Mine died two months ago now. I need a car!). Changing my email login to my Amazon aff account from his to mine. Uh, yeah. Because it takes too many tries to get in. Because it should have been made with mine anyway! And...I can't remember the last one.

He said I threatened him with taking the kids back home.

He's not remembering it right! After he asked about someone once a year, that he could use, before I knew about BPD, I was struggling so bad with the unexpectedness of it. I did comment that if I agreed to it, then if it didn't work out, then I wanted to take the kids back. He had agreed.

I KNOW that's what I said. I would NEVER have threatened to take the kids back. I have nowhere back home to go!

He started talking about "playing private investigator" like I do.

Later he walked behind me and gave me a hug.

Yes, I am behind the scenes prepping, but those other things he mentioned aren't a prep, they are convenient!

I've tried to tell him I love him and all of that.

I just don't know what to say or do. Everything always seems like it's wrong. Then he hung out in my home office for half an hour. I just feel like I'm losing my mind.

My therapist had recommend SWOE during my first meeting with her. It is my life. It helped me "wake up" to my life again.

He liked his therapist, thank goodness, so she's GOOD. Means she's validating him while encouraging changes. After TWO HOURS on the video with her, he sent me a text to say he was done, and was going in the basement.

He emerged about 40-45 minutes later. Was okay the rest of the night.

Well, until he sent a text worrying about me divorcing him. Texting is his favorite way to communicate, I swear.

Tomorrow is the youngest's birthday, so I have a bunch of stuff to do. Meanwhile, husband is behind the scenes and NOT DOING ANYTHING. All the previous stuff, like last one up makes the bed, opens the blinds/whatever, puts dishes in dishwasher, helps with dishes...he's stopped. I'm trying to ignore it. I'm not doing it either, even though I want to.

I'll look into Why Does He Do That. Thank you.

Just having a rough weekend. I hate feeling like I've already lost him. I don't know how to get back to the good side. He did say that if I divorced him, he wants me to stay in this house, while he stays in the garage. Then the kids can still have their big house and no one will have to pack suitcases to visit anyone in an apartment.

I don't know how to respond to that at all. Is this a "have his cake and eat it too" thing? He seems to think we can still be a happy family. That I'll just take care of everything and he can come over for dinner.

Just feeling lost.

[I Am Redeemed]

The T may be trying to get a read on how committed he is to treatment. The fact that he did not make his own appointment may signal to her that his therapy is more important to you than it is to him, and she may have been trying to gauge his response to that so she can size up how invested he is in therapy.

BPD's can be highly sensitive to rejection. The examples you gave may not be valid evidence that you are getting ready to leave him, but the fact is that you have been questioning the r/s and whether or not it is sustainable. There may be subtle cues that your h is picking up and he is trying to fit round pieces into square holes to match his suspicions based on the "vibes" he is getting. If you have recently stopped instant responses or set other boundaries, he may even subconsciously perceive that as indicators that you are detaching from him.

Does he "want his cake and eat it too" ? I honestly think that is a valid question, and while I don't know the answer, I can totally see how you would be asking that at this point. It almost sounds to me like "bargaining" - he wouldn't have to lose you completely if he stayed in the garage.

Have you "lost him" already? Or have you just lost your perception of what you thought the r/s was? the emotions can be the same, regardless.

[stolencrumbs]

There isn't really any "test" for BPD. I would think it would take at least a couple of sessions to give any kind of diagnosis, and at least in my experience, a BPD diagnosis is not something that's going to be applied quickly. So if your hope is that he goes to the appointment on 10/16 and comes out with a diagnosis shortly after, you might want to adjust your expectations on that. And not to be a big bucket of cold water, but in my own experience, and in plenty of threads here, having a diagnosis doesn't necessarily make much of a difference. That will largely depend on how open he is to it, whether he accepts it, and whether he wants help. That he is willing to go to therapy is a good sign, and a good start. Many people don't have pwBPD who will even take that step.