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Author Topic: How do I figure out what to do?  (Read 404 times)
Ione

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Heated
Posts: 11


« on: September 16, 2020, 08:04:16 PM »

My daughter, 35, and our two grandchildren, 12 & 13, have been estranged from us since January 1st.    We have been through a wide range of anger, hate and rage.  She yells at us to leave them alone and we do, then she starts texting late at night with stories from her childhood that aren't true.  She lives on social media and thrives on the fact that she can say whatever she wants to and everyone believes her.   A few weeks ago she starting texting us at 11:30 pm and starting using the kids phones to text us.  In less than 20 minutes, we had over 150 texts (I stopped counting).  We responded to a few at first, then stopped because all that seemed to do was escalate things.  We ended up calling for a welfare check and after the police left the phone calls started with all the yelling, cursing and mean things she could come up with.  She started making the kids say mean things and we stopped answering the phone.  She, again, told us to leave them alone and we did.  It was two weeks until more texts started and now she is including the kids on all of the texts.  We did not respond and she finally quit...until the next night and it started again.  We found out that she is having them attend school virtually because of COVID and they are both failing.  Our granddaughter is a straight A student and our grandson is normally a C student.  I know they are scared of her - she was yelling horrible things at them the night that she called after the welfare check.

I feel like she is trying to keep in touch, but every time we hear from her I am a horrible person, I abused her growing up, our son is the favorite and she is the scapegoat.  All of our family are narcissists and she tried talking her brother into coming to her side, but he chose us instead of her.  BTW that never happened either. 

I've read other posts that indicated we should not respond to the hateful negative texts or emails and we have stopped for the most part.  It is hard knowing that she needs help, but she says everyone else needs help not her.  I worry about her drinking so much (and she drinks a LOT) with the kids in the house and what they must be experiencing. 

I used to reach out every so often with a "hope you are doing well" or an "I miss you," but every time I did that it was like unleashing the lions.  I want her to know that I still love and care for her, but trying to leave her alone as we have been told to do so many times.  She is the one that keeps reaching out.

What do I do?

Advice would be appreciated.

Thank you!
Ione
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Swimmy55
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 809



« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2020, 08:00:57 AM »

Hi Ione,
 I know the pain of estrangement also like many here.  Yours is compounded by the fact that grandchildren are involved.  You may not believe it, but you are doing what you are supposed to already.  You are in the forum here, you had been going to your own Psych , you have been reading up on BPD. 

The problem is acceptance ( for me too).  I also have been counseled to not reach out to my BPD son .  I thought to myself " sure, I can do that .  In a couple of months he'll tentatively reach out with an olive branch and we can move forward on this rocky journey ."   Well, no.  It didn't / it's not going that way at all. 
I have underestimated the long game of BPD- the on and on and on of it.  I also hate the reality of it as it kicks me in the face every so often.

I thought there was a set of rules to follow and then the situation turns out ok.  Maybe it will, but not in our time. 
   I have to run now, but I will circle back to this  later today.
Thank you for posting.
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Swimmy55
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 809



« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2020, 09:21:31 AM »

Ok I'm back.
So the only way out of this is going through this.  At the same time, we have to lower our expectations way down. Hooking our happiness to the BPD whim / deciding when to talk to us is not the way( I say this for me as for you).
~ Stick to your guns;Follow what your therapist guides you to do.
~Provocations from the BPD - I don't know the full thing about this, but partly they do this to splatter their own misery outward. Try not to rise. Raise your umbrella silently to ward off the splatter .   This is a terrible metaphor but you get what I'm saying.
~ The best coping skill is trying to put the focus back on to us. Some of us go to 12 step programs for families ( Alanon, ) because they teach this principle.  There are meetings online and they are free.
There is no one easy way, though.  We are going through this with you.
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Ione

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Heated
Posts: 11


« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2020, 05:52:22 PM »

Thank you so much for sharing.  It is so hard not to try and "fix" things, but most of the time I regret reaching out because of the response I get back.  I keep thinking one of these days she will respond with something positive and keep hoping that will be the case.

We had a new issue pop up last night - her ex-husband and father of her children has decided he wants to try and get full custody.  He has visitation rights, but my daughter has refused to let them see their dad since May.  It may be the best thing for them, but they have been living with her their whole life - when they divorced the kids were 9 mos. and 1-1/2 years old.  They have grown to protect her and my fear is that if he tries to rip them out of the situation, it may backfire.  I know it's their dad and his decision, but I suggested that he might go about it with court-ordered mediation and kids in counseling first, then if that doesn't go well, then move forward.  Start with baby steps.  He's not having it and again, I know they are his kids and his decision.  I would probably agree with him if they were younger, but at almost 13 and 14 years old, that is such a hard age anyway.

So now with all of that, I feel like I should try harder to get her to talk to us.  If she loses the kids, I don't know what would happen.  She has been violent in the past and not sure if she would blame me and her dad and take it out on us.  I also think she may harm herself because truly, the kids are all she has other than social media.

I think about them every single day and like you said, I am hooking my happiness to when she is going to want to be a part of our family again.  I need to get back in therapy and thank you for suggesting the 12 step program.
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Swimmy55
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 809



« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2020, 09:03:35 AM »

Hi Ione,
Good for you considering other options of coping! 
We do this as parents ( as mothers especially): we catastrophize the future.  While it is true what you fear may happen, there is also a chance this can serve as  a wake up call for your daughter.  The miracle may be right around the corner, you have no idea.
~ You are correct in that ultimately, all the adults in the sitch are going to do what they are going to do.  Period.  Despite you having a better idea , a better way, what the adults decide to do is going to happen. 
The thing of it is, everyone sees things through their own brain biology/ life experiences etc .  Your son in law is going to follow through on his reality and world view.
This is where self soothing ( on our part) comes in.  Not only self soothing, but self preservation!  As much as you can , please try to let go / work on the need to  "get her " to talk to you.  Deep down , she senses you are in her corner.  Again I say this for me as for you.
We have to get comfortable with the uncomfortable here and it is grueling.
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srivili

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: daughter
Posts: 16


« Reply #5 on: September 18, 2020, 11:19:59 AM »

I totally understand where you are at! It sounds so much like my situation except that the kids are 6 and 2 and she has a wonderful husband and an Oncologist. She has been in a rage for a while at me because her sister stopped talking to her few months ago. I am in therapy and finally got the guts to tell her I cannot participate in conversation if she keeps yelling insults and harsh tone. So she emailed that I no longer can pick up the granddaughter after school. She is using her as a pawn in this. Not sure if she is BPD or narcissist. She has been going for therapy for at least 5 years for anxiety and depression. I also called the counsellor once on a wellness check and told her will call '911' next time. Suicidal threats are very common for every perceived issue for her. She is well respected Dr and writes papers on 'caregivers fatigue' recognized internationally. Its so ironic!
We don't know what would happen and can't predict how these people will react. We are always worried for their welfare. My therapist told me what I have done so far has not stopped her from suicidal threats, and time for me to do something different and take care of myself. I do a lot of meditation. She is 37. For the past 25 years or so, I have spent endless nights with no sleep and finally realizing I have to focus on what I have and not what she is. Radical acceptance. I strongly believe its going to be really tough for sometime. We moved from out of state to be close to her and support with childcare, inspite of my working fulltime. I can only hope she doesn't pull away the grandkids away from me as they love me so much and I love them as much.

God help us. Praying for all of us.
Hop
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