Hello my name is RedPanda and I am living with my husband who has BPD...

[redpanda777]

For the last 5 years, I have oscillated between two major thought patterns: 1- there must be something wrong with my partner, 2 - there must be something wrong with me.
I realize now we are both doing the best we can, then... and now. He is 32 years old and was just now diagnosed with BPD. He meets all nine criteria. I started therapy 6 months ago, before we knew his diagnosis. He has been in therapy for the last 3 years, and just recently started DBT therapy. Through the course of voicing my opinions to my therapist I slowly came to the conclusion at the time that my husband was an emotional abuser. He could provide the most intimate loving relationship, and at the same time would berate, belittle, invalidate, and yell in an aggressive tone at me for very minor offenses. Often I would be attacked for not having anticipated exactly how he would feel over a specific issue or conflict. I was told by him that in fact I was the one who has too sensitive. I needed to be able to "handle" his aggression. At times I fully believed his anger outbursts were directed at me, to hurt me or punish me. When I confronted him about my feelings he was being emotionally abusive, at first he was defensive and then was hit with a wall of self-hatred that has become it feels progressively worse over the last few months. I realize now, looking back that the triggering event for the BPD to explode in severity was his job loss due to COVID19. The loss of his sense of self and financial contribution to our partnership threatened to make true everything he ever feared, and sadly I felt I was the one who felt the brunt of the anger over the situation. We met over 5 years ago, and I knew from the beginning that his fear of being abandoned was very intense compared to anyone else I had met or dated. Knowing him has at times made me question my own confidence in our relationship because how could two loving people feel so incredibly different about a relationship? I know now, after spending some time researching BPD that the reality is a bit different. He may be engaging in emotionally abusive tactics, but there is clearly a deeper reason that has not been addressed in his life. It does not excuse it, but it does explain it. I have tried to explain this to my family but it has been highly difficult for them to hav empathy for him at times because they take "my side". I feel it is my responsibility to understand this mental illness so that I can better support my husband. I also want to life a better life and have a better marriage. It is my hope that by joining support groups, and reading books about BPD and educating my OWN support system about it, I will be able to live a better quality life. That I will feel less like like a rat stuck in a cage waiting for the next explosion to go off. There have been days I have been worried I would arrive home and my husband would be dead by suicide. I hope with time the DBT therapy sinks in and is helpful in controlling his emotional outbursts. I don't know what our future holds but I don't want to give up on him or on our relationship. There have been times I have questioned if I can endure the yelling at me, or him throwing something at the wall or punching his fist through a wooden dresser. The aggression scares me to my core. I fear one day I will be the punching bag in a real sense. There have been moments I have wanted to accidentally be hurt by his anger because I want it to stop. I want to stop feeling like I need to run away in fear and lock myself in the bathroom as I have many times before with the animals. Just waiting for the rage to end and my husband to come back to me. It feels like no one understands me. People in my life question why I am still married to him. They feel the bad outweighs the good. All I can say is that life is NOT that simple. I do see the love and the kindness in him every day. I also see the mental agony he endures. It does fill me with compassion and empathy. It makes me feel like people with BDP are simply misunderstood and abandoned because no one has truly supported them in the way that they need it. The big question is where do you set the boundaries? What is acceptable? Does it matter? I am hoping to find others going through these things-- what works? What doesn't? What makes it worse? Can it end? Or do you just find the right coping mechanisms?

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[Jonny.]

Hi RedPanda  

Thanks for sharing a part of your journey, you are not alone!

I'm 33 and I've been with my BPD girlfriend for almost 10 years now and as I'm sure you'll understand the rollercoaster of a ride it is... I love hearing about other people actually trying to improve their relationship, education about BPD and by putting in the work and just from this small snippet of a post I can tell you are a sister on the path

Happy to hear your husband has started DBT therapy and I can only hope that he's engaging with it fully commited and learning the skills he can use so you both can have a happy marriage and ultimately life together. DBT is such an important if not THE most important step.

As far as the family situation goes I can relate but what I will say here is *it's their opinions* and it's your life! But one thing that does spring to mind is are their opinions mainly going off what they've seen and experienced of him directly, or from what you tell them? I say this as I learned the hard way here. Some people in my life who I was receiving support from mainly got the negative stuff happening from me which of course painted a picture of her dark side to be her only character... Too many Hyde stories and not enough Jekyll.

Boundries are a MUST! My advice - write down: What you want your boundries to look like? What steps over the line for you? How do you want your life to look on a day to day basis?

Plan ahead, trust me, I think you know as well as I do by the sounds of it that it won't be long before another negative emotional state/situation comes along... What can you agree on to stop things escalating, calm down and bring back rationality to the conversation? It could be a phrase where it prompts a 5 minute cool down or whether you like it or not a hug through gritted teeth or by saying 1 thing you appreciate about each other? One of my examples I can share is when my GF's emotions start to spiral I say "time to chill" to which most of the time if we're at home, she'll go and dunk her face in cool water in bathroom and usually when she returns we can handle the situation soo much better.

A resource that springs to mind for me would be the book (Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger) This not only explains BPD brilliantly but there are lots of helpfull tips on how to handle different emotions and situations. I'd also like to say something even more important here and that is YOU are the priority here! Make sure you're working towards your own personal development goals too and in my opinion there is no better resource than Tony Robbins, part of the reason I've done as well for myself as I have.

Apologies if this is a lengthy read, I hope in some way it has helped... Sending love and blessings, Jonny