My Romantic Partner is isolating himself from everyone, I need help and advice

[Depression = 72% of members]

 

Hi, I apologize if this is long.

I met someone about half a year ago and we began being very romantic with each other. We both see each other as long term investments relationship-wise (talking about moving in and things like that in the near future). We both love each other and even though he has trouble showing affection I've been very supportive of him, trying to help him feel more and more comfortable with expressing his emotions with me. In his past relationships he's never really experienced romantic intimacy, so I am sort of a new experience for him, but he doesn't mind working towards being able to share affection with me. He's also shared very intimate details about his past traumas that he has stated he wants no one else knowing so there is trust there.

I wanna state this before I go any further. I don't want anyone commenting that people with BPD can't love or that he doesn't care for me. That I should run away from him and not be involved with someone with BPD. Or ANYTHING like that. He is not manipulative and is not using me for validation or any such thing. So if you want to leave a reply like this please don't as it will worsen my anxiety and mental state without giving any real advice.

I also wanted to say that he is genuinely a good person who has a lot of love to give and has always been incredibly honest and upfront with me.

He is a quiet BPD type, he's often said things like "I don't deserve you" and "you deserve so much better than me, you're wasting your time on me". I'm studying to be a clinical psychologist so I know quite a bit about BPD. He often isolates himself for a few days before coming back when something bad happens. So I'm used to this behavior.

About two months ago he told me we should hang out one on one again and it would have to be in a few days as he was off visiting family. Something happened and a week later he messaged me saying he was so sorry that he was "so PLEASE READty" and that something bad had happened
and he was only talking to two people. So I waited respectfully. About a month later he messaged me again apologizing profusely, telling me his anxiety has been horrible and he's been going through a bad episode of isolation and he's not talking to anyone. That I deserve better and I'm wasting my time waiting for him because he's an emotional mess and that he still has the same feelings for me. He told me when he decides to come back in whatever mental state he's in he'll do his absolute best to put things back to the way things were between us.

Then we messaged twice a week or so later, he talked again about how I don't deserve him and I'm wasting my time on him. He doesn't want to let me in. He told me he doesn't trust himself and I think he believes he's protecting me from himself by not letting me in. So it comes from his heart which is sweet but I need him to let me in at some point. I tried to reassure him but also let him know this behavior is going to cause an outcome that he doesn't want. And that "protecting me from himself" is going to cause me to be pushed away and it's going to hurt me rather than really protect me at all.

I suffer from my own illnesses but have been trying my best to message him supportive things every so often to remind him I'm here for him and haven't abandoned him or left him as he's said that he wouldn't be surprised and he wouldn't blame me if I went to someone else since he's a "bad person" and his emotions are all over the place at the moment. But I had to tell him recently that I have to stop sending the messages because of my own mental struggles and lack of energy to do basic everyday things.

He won't communicate with me and it's been almost two months now. I want to stick around because I think he's worth it and I think we could have a beautiful relationship. But I'm not sure what to do in this situation anymore because he's completely shutting everyone out including myself...

PS: I have no problem with waiting for him and being patient, I just don't know how to help him at this point or what actions to take. I struggle with severe anxiety and have thoughts that he will forget me or become uninterested even though he's made it very clear that he WILL come back and that when he does he will do his best to pick up where we left off romantically no matter his mental state. I should also mention he's not very severe.

Does anyone have any advice? Thank you for reading <3

[Alis]

 

Hi, I apologize if this is long.

I met someone about half a year ago and we began being very romantic with each other. We both see each other as long term investments relationship-wise (talking about moving in and things like that in the near future). We both love each other and even though he has trouble showing affection I've been very supportive of him, trying to help him feel more and more comfortable with expressing his emotions with me. In his past relationships he's never really experienced romantic intimacy, so I am sort of a new experience for him, but he doesn't mind working towards being able to share affection with me. He's also shared very intimate details about his past traumas that he has stated he wants no one else knowing so there is trust there.

I wanna state this before I go any further. I don't want anyone commenting that people with BPD can't love or that he doesn't care for me. That I should run away from him and not be involved with someone with BPD. Or ANYTHING like that. He is not manipulative and is not using me for validation or any such thing. So if you want to leave a reply like this please don't as it will worsen my anxiety and mental state without giving any real advice.

I also wanted to say that he is genuinely a good person who has a lot of love to give and has always been incredibly honest and upfront with me.

He is a quiet BPD type, he's often said things like "I don't deserve you" and "you deserve so much better than me, you're wasting your time on me". I'm studying to be a clinical psychologist so I know quite a bit about BPD. He often isolates himself for a few days before coming back when something bad happens. So I'm used to this behavior.

About two months ago he told me we should hang out one on one again and it would have to be in a few days as he was off visiting family. Something happened and a week later he messaged me saying he was so sorry that he was "so PLEASE READty" and that something bad had happened
and he was only talking to two people. So I waited respectfully. About a month later he messaged me again apologizing profusely, telling me his anxiety has been horrible and he's been going through a bad episode of isolation and he's not talking to anyone. That I deserve better and I'm wasting my time waiting for him because he's an emotional mess and that he still has the same feelings for me. He told me when he decides to come back in whatever mental state he's in he'll do his absolute best to put things back to the way things were between us.

Then we messaged twice a week or so later, he talked again about how I don't deserve him and I'm wasting my time on him. He doesn't want to let me in. He told me he doesn't trust himself and I think he believes he's protecting me from himself by not letting me in. So it comes from his heart which is sweet but I need him to let me in at some point. I tried to reassure him but also let him know this behavior is going to cause an outcome that he doesn't want. And that "protecting me from himself" is going to cause me to be pushed away and it's going to hurt me rather than really protect me at all.

I suffer from my own illnesses but have been trying my best to message him supportive things every so often to remind him I'm here for him and haven't abandoned him or left him as he's said that he wouldn't be surprised and he wouldn't blame me if I went to someone else since he's a "bad person" and his emotions are all over the place at the moment. But I had to tell him recently that I have to stop sending the messages because of my own mental struggles and lack of energy to do basic everyday things.

He won't communicate with me and it's been almost two months now. I want to stick around because I think he's worth it and I think we could have a beautiful relationship. But I'm not sure what to do in this situation anymore because he's completely shutting everyone out including myself...

PS: I have no problem with waiting for him and being patient, I just don't know how to help him at this point or what actions to take. I struggle with severe anxiety and have thoughts that he will forget me or become uninterested even though he's made it very clear that he WILL come back and that when he does he will do his best to pick up where we left off romantically no matter his mental state. I should also mention he's not very severe.

Does anyone have any advice? Thank you for reading <3

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Alis-

I’m very sorry for the pain that you’re experiencing around your relationship.  I understand anxiety and depression... both can be truly debilitating.  I suffered from MDD and GAD.  I am nearly healed now.

The advice I have may not be easy to take, but I provide it as something for you to “receive”... to consider.

A little background on my situation:  had my ex-partner “only” suffered from BPD, we would still be together.  But I came to understand that his narcissistic leanings completely left *me* and anything I needed out of the relationship.  In addition, he was in effect “married” to his mother.  I would not do battle with that.  A very sad fact.  He is 62, a very sick man.  And I loved him...  ah wellll...

Okay.  Back to you.  When we have times of quiet between ourselves and our partners I’ve learned there are generally “reasons”.  Because pwBPD seem to have little to NO “Object Constancy”, we need to remind them of why they’d want to re-engage with us.  My situation was ALWAYS that my BF would leave in a RAGE.  His rages were always extremely cruel.  And had little direct correlation to anything I did or didn’t do or say.  And he admitted they were tied to his mother.  Sometimes I’d let him leave and other times I’d calm him down and he’d stay.  Whenever I tried, he stayed.  When I let him go, he knew, or “thought” I was “punishing” him. 

Because he has NO Object Constancy, I’d send him pictures of my dog, our orchid flowers, something funny, send him a song we liked that we’d dance to in my Florida room... something to remind him of *US*.  This way he’d be periodically reminded that *we* exist.  That *I* exist.  I sent no words until I was ready.  Or he would sense I was ready and he’d send a little text and ask if he could come over.  Everything would invoke happy memories for him.   That is the purpose of a loving relationship.  Happiness and fulfillment.

I don’t know what country you live in, although throughout the world we’ve all shared heightened anxiety with COVID this year.  In the U.S. , well, never mind... hurts too much to discuss.

I believe the bottom line is that we have to bring light.  Somehow.  When there is quiet in your relationship, perhaps the only way to wake it up is to re-enter differently.  In a lighter way. 

If your lover has anxiety and depression, he cannot lift you up.  He doesn’t have the strength; and it’s likely he never will.  He has an illness.  And if HE is not doing intense therapy around it (you don’t say whether he is), he will NOT be able to support you.  He will constantly and always need your assurance, Day in day out, day in day out... forever...  tell me, does he work?  Go to school?  Pursue interests?

And maybe when you expressed your inability to do daily tasks and your pain at sending further messages, that sealed for him that you no longer were there to serve HIS needs?  It can be VERY one sided.  Alis - YOU ended the relationship.  I just realized that in his eyes, YOU may have ended the relationship.

So my advice to you then?  If you WANT this, REALY want this - Then understand that two anxious people really need one to stabilize.  It’s going to need to be you... and you CAN do it.  You CAN change and heal yourself. 

And when your NEED for him changes into a *desire* for him, then you can contact him in a different way, in a lighter way.  For example... “hiya my love!  These are my toes doing the downward dog!  Just did my sixth online yoga class!”  Body Feeling so so refreshed, but would love to hear your voice!”

Please keep posting.  Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Alis]

Dear Alis-

I’m very sorry for the pain that you’re experiencing around your relationship.  I understand anxiety and depression... both can be truly debilitating.  I suffered from MDD and GAD.  I am nearly healed now.

The advice I have may not be easy to take, but I provide it as something for you to “receive”... to consider.

A little background on my situation:  had my ex-partner “only” suffered from BPD, we would still be together.  But I came to understand that his narcissistic leanings completely left *me* and anything I needed out of the relationship.  In addition, he was in effect “married” to his mother.  I would not do battle with that.  A very sad fact.  He is 62, a very sick man.  And I loved him...  ah wellll...

Okay.  Back to you.  When we have times of quiet between ourselves and our partners I’ve learned there are generally “reasons”.  Because pwBPD seem to have little to NO “Object Constancy”, we need to remind them of why they’d want to re-engage with us.  My situation was ALWAYS that my BF would leave in a RAGE.  His rages were always extremely cruel.  And had little direct correlation to anything I did or didn’t do or say.  And he admitted they were tied to his mother.  Sometimes I’d let him leave and other times I’d calm him down and he’d stay.  Whenever I tried, he stayed.  When I let him go, he knew, or “thought” I was “punishing” him. 

Because he has NO Object Constancy, I’d send him pictures of my dog, our orchid flowers, something funny, send him a song we liked that we’d dance to in my Florida room... something to remind him of *US*.  This way he’d be periodically reminded that *we* exist.  That *I* exist.  I sent no words until I was ready.  Or he would sense I was ready and he’d send a little text and ask if he could come over.  Everything would invoke happy memories for him.   That is the purpose of a loving relationship.  Happiness and fulfillment.

I don’t know what country you live in, although throughout the world we’ve all shared heightened anxiety with COVID this year.  In the U.S. , well, never mind... hurts too much to discuss.

I believe the bottom line is that we have to bring light.  Somehow.  When there is quiet in your relationship, perhaps the only way to wake it up is to re-enter differently.  In a lighter way. 

If your lover has anxiety and depression, he cannot lift you up.  He doesn’t have the strength; and it’s likely he never will.  He has an illness.  And if HE is not doing intense therapy around it (you don’t say whether he is), he will NOT be able to support you.  He will constantly and always need your assurance, Day in day out, day in day out... forever...  tell me, does he work?  Go to school?  Pursue interests?

And maybe when you expressed your inability to do daily tasks and your pain at sending further messages, that sealed for him that you no longer were there to serve HIS needs?  It can be VERY one sided.  Alis - YOU ended the relationship.  I just realized that in his eyes, YOU may have ended the relationship.

So my advice to you then?  If you WANT this, REALY want this - Then understand that two anxious people really need one to stabilize.  It’s going to need to be you... and you CAN do it.  You CAN change and heal yourself. 

And when your NEED for him changes into a *desire* for him, then you can contact him in a different way, in a lighter way.  For example... “hiya my love!  These are my toes doing the downward dog!  Just did my sixth online yoga class!”  Body Feeling so so refreshed, but would love to hear your voice!”

Please keep posting.  Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

I've sent him nice things, things that reminded him of us, things that were sweet and supportive. I've also sent him things about how I feel as when I open up to him he feels more comfortable opening up in return. I don't think I've made him believe that I've ended anything as he still stands by what he said about coming back and picking up where we left off. He still has romantic interest in me and I've expressed many times I haven't abandoned him and I am here and I always will be here. So I don't think there has been an end, rather a pause as we are both trying to stabilize ourselves before talking to each other. For him, it's out of fear I will leave if he lets me in. For me it's because I realize I need to be grounded in reality and stable so that I don't make a mess of things.I don't believe that he never will. I don't believe in saying never to be honest. He's a very strong and loving person and I've seen that side of him throughout my entire time knowing him. I think he's perfectly capable of showing affection and being here for me as he's proven that to me through doing those things. I'm going back to therapy twice a week now and I'm getting analyzed and medicated on the 8th of October so thankfully I am taking care of myself. It's the least I can do. I have to take care of myself before I can really start supporting him again. I've also sent him light messages about like "hey I had a nice dream about you last night hope you're doing well" stuff like that. I think he likes them but he doesn't have the energy to deal with anyone or anything right now unfortunately...

[Gemsforeyes]

It’s a great thing that you’re actively addressing your own wellbeing. 

At the risk of engaging in JADE (a no-no), I ask that you re-read my paragraph that contains the word “never”.  It was intended as a more general statement about people who suffer from certain afflictions (that go unaddressed) being incapable of providing consistent support in a relationship, ANY relationship.  Those afflictions don’t necessarily need to be diagnosed Personality Disorders.  I couldn’t do it when I was that low.  And my BF could NEVER support me.  Never.  He didn’t seek therapy for his afflictions and had no empathy for me.  Is your lover in therapy?

I lived with my lover and was with him for nearly 7 years.  I still love him.  And before him, I was married to a confirmed BPD/NPD for 19 years.  I also have a few BPD traits of my own, so I truly understand this disorder to the bone.  I understand what it looks like AND how it feels.  Okay, enough JADE.  Sorry.

Can you please clarify... 
When was your last contact with him and what did you say?  And when was his last contact with you and what did he say?

Did your relationship involve speaking in person, talking on the phone, in-person dates?

Take good care.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes