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Author Topic: It's been 7 months this time since my daughter has allowed me in her life.  (Read 417 times)
runtex

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: living together
Posts: 6


« on: September 26, 2020, 12:43:40 AM »

This is the second time that my daughter stopped allowing me to see my granddaughter and  her family. The last time this happened, my granddaughter was two and I didn't see them for a year. I spent a lot of the next year with them but then she became angry because she felt that I was dishonest. She has recently had a baby boy. I was not allowed to see pictures. She allows others to see pictures of them on Facebook. I am blocked. I don't call anymore. She would not answer. I only send validating texts every few weeks or month. Occasionally, she responds but tells me that I am the cause of all of her problems and as a result of her childhood and our tumultuous relationship, she has many past PTSD issues. I do not argue with her. I miss her so much. I miss my granddaughter. We were so close. Most days are difficult. Some days are so painful.
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
Swimmy55
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 809



« Reply #1 on: September 27, 2020, 08:08:21 PM »

I am sorry you are going through this.  It is especially difficult when grands are involved. You are doing the right thing and use this time to get yourself some more support. In addition to reading this forum, you can click on anyone's name here and get their previous posts/back story.  Some of us also have our own therapy, and / of go to 12 step meetings for families ( alanon for example).  They are free and some are online. 
Here is a post re: others in similar circumstances:https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329170.0
 Not the same, but I am currently estranged from my adult BPD son and it is very difficult to say the least. 

Has your daughter been diagnosed with BPD? Do you have family/ friend support?
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runtex

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: living together
Posts: 6


« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2020, 08:10:42 PM »

I believe that she has as she has been going to therapy for the last three years at the trauma center. I have previously seen homework that was DBT. She was previously in a group as well but it was uncomfortable for her. She has a paranoia R/T men plotting to hurt her and that they are outside. She gets this when she is very stressed. She does have some PTSD from some undisclosed situations that occurred in California when she had a manipulating boyfriend. I do believe there were drugs and trafficking involved. I drove out to California and retrieved her. She was pretty psychotic then. She takes no meds. She is married and has two children. I can tell she is working on her relationship with her husband in therapy. She is currently blaming me for all of her trauma and relays that I have caused this PTSD and other issues because we had a tumultuous relationship when she was young. I do not argue with her because that is her truth. I love her so much. I love being her mom. I always have. There were times that I was able to spend a great amount of time with her daughter from when she was born until 2 and then I was not able to see her for a year. Then when she was three, I spent as much time as possible with her and then she was taken away again. No calls/facetime/etc. I brought her home one day and my daughter said that I was lying about what I was feeding her and that I was buying makeup and that I was not honest. The baby sobbed and I was sent away.I feel so much pain. She had a son in August and blocked his picture from me.I do therapy and i send occasional text messages. Her last response said that I caused her issues and that now she has student loans that I caused from a school and a degree that she did not want. It's all so confusing. I miss my granddaughter and daughter so much.

I tried to click on your story but it says that I cannot do that. Do you have any suggestions for me? I appreciate your response. Thank you.
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Swimmy55
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 809



« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2020, 09:44:21 PM »

Did you check to see if you were signed in before you clicked onto the names?

Great you are in therapy yourself and continue to write here as you need.
I got that one too from my son: that his college degree was a big waste since he couldn't get a job and I lied to him saying that he could get a job, etc.  Very painful when they lash out at us when we have been in their corner.  Not sure if your therapist has any thoughts on this, but you may want to cut back/cut out texting her altogether for a spell as hard as that may be.  Use the space to focus on your own health.   
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Huat
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: Estranged
Posts: 595


« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2020, 10:44:32 AM »

Hello runtex Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

As another Grandmother, I will jump in here to acknowledge your pain...that excruciating pain that can come from being separated from one's grandchildren.  Sadly and too often they are seen as the "trump cards" in the effort to inflict as much pain as possible.  Sadly, too, is the fact that those precious grandchildren can also pay the price of missing out on us.

I agree with Swimmy55 that is great that you are in therapy for yourself.  In my experience I know that I needed to talk (still do!).  I needed someone to hear me...to acknowledge my hurts...then help me in finding ways to move forward.

It is very difficult to interact with someone who has different truths.  There, too, I speak from experience.  So many times I would ask myself if I was really in the same room with my daughter when "my sin" was committed.  So, so hard to weather through those clouded accusations.

I so urge you, runtex, to keep sharing.  It has been such therapy for me to put my fingers on the keyboard and pour out my heart and my hurts and then feel the support from others in this caring community...the support I so need to keep moving forward.   Bottom line is that so much of any change will have to start with you.  Make yourself the focus.  Do not take on the role of being a victim.  Keep your dignity as you work on finding those tools to make life better.

Here is to much better days ahead for you...and for the rest of us, too.

((HUGS)...from Huat.

 

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msleah
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: estranged
Posts: 51


« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2020, 11:34:02 PM »

Hi Runtex:

I can definitely relate to the confusion and pain you're feeling. My daughter doesn't have kids (which is a relief, at least for now) but she definitely has BPD. She was diagnosed with it a couple of years ago. I was in a lot of denial about her mental illness, and I feel quite guilty about it.

Like your daughter, my daughter feels that I am the source of all her problems. My understanding of BPD is that the people who suffer from it react much more intensely to emotional stimuli than others do. So, an offhand, insensitive remark that we might have made five years ago will stick in their hearts like a burr. Add two or three or six more of these incidents, and, in their minds that constitutes an ongoing pattern of abuse.

It's confusing and upsetting because we might not even remember uttering those words, but they certainly remember. So, their truth is that they were abused, vilified, or otherwise invalidated.

I understand all of this intellectually, but the pain of being estranged from my daughter is still quite intense. She will only communicate with her stepdad (my husband), whom, in true BPD fashion, she sees as "all good." The fact is that he experienced as many moments of exasperation with her as I did while she was growing up (sometimes he even yelled!), but she chooses not to remember those conflicts.

It's confounding. I do think mothers are often held to a higher standard than fathers. An unrealistically high standard, in many ways.

I hope you can find some peace and reconciliation with your daughter soon.

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runtex

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: living together
Posts: 6


« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2020, 01:48:56 PM »

Here is my update:

My daughter did email a few weeks back that she may be willing to go to therapy with me to bridge our communication gap. I replied, "I would love to." I also offered to use my insurance/payment to cover it as I do not want her to sacrifice her weekly appointments with the therapist. Since I already see a midlevel therapist, my therapist has given me a diagnosis of anxiety with panic attacks. In order to utilize her therapist, I would be willing to utilize adjustment disorder.

It has been awhile since we had that conversation. I do okay for awhile and then I feel a little hopeless. I am 60 years old. There are so many people passing away and I am sad that I have not seen my granddaughter in over 8 months and have never met my grandson. I feel that I have so much love to offer them.

I have been journaling to my granddaughter pretty frequently at night so I have some memories for her. I am also trying to journal to my daughter in a different book. I feel really stuck in what I say...I am afraid to say the wrong thing or repeat something or whatever...It is so uncomfortable...Does anyone else have any input on any of this?

Thank you.
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msleah
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: estranged
Posts: 51


« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2020, 09:59:01 PM »

Runtex:

A couple of people gave me some good advice about how to communicate with my daughter now that she has (tentatively) re-established contact. I am passing their tips on to you in the hope that they will be helpful.

Don't ladle too much on her all at once. She reached out, you made the offer of therapy, but it sounds like she's not ready to take you up on your offer yet. I experienced a similar reaction from my daughter when she finally sent me an email and said that she wanted to start communicating again but was still angry. I apologized for upsetting her and emphasized that I was willing to listen if she wanted to elaborate further.

She didn't want to do so, and sent me a very short note in reply. I belong to two online forums--this one, and another for parents of estranged children. I was advised to take it slow and send her friendly emails--mentioning such non-controversial topics as birds in the yard, the weather, etc. It's more than a bit frustrating, but that's what I'm doing.

My hope is that once we re-establish trust, we can converse in greater depth. Perhaps this approach might help with your daughter, as well. I hope so. Best of luck to you.
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runtex

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: living together
Posts: 6


« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2020, 10:33:57 PM »

That sounds like very good advice. I have not sent any further emails and am just allowing time to pass. In the meantime, I am continuing to work on myself. It does get lonely. I take a lot of walks. I look for deer and eagles and other beautiful things in nature. It is a great lesson in humility and understanding how little real control we have in this lifetime. Holidays truly suck and there seem to be SO MANY holidays. If COVID wasn't here, I would go to a lot of movies. I appreciate your advice. Thank you.
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