Hi everyone,
It's so nice to finally find a community like this in which we can share experiences and offer each other support. As some of you who have BPD/a partner with BPD (or, at least, some of the traits of the disorder) will understand, it is very difficult to open up to those around you about what you're going through.
In my own experience, I have found that it is even more difficult when your friends and family do not get along with your SO for reasons outside of the disorder, and for that reason, I am opening up to you guys: -
I am a 21 y/o female dating a 32 y/o male who ticks all of the boxes in regards to having BPD, although undiagnosed. I have been reading loads of your posts about similar experiences and it offered me a great deal of comfort to know that despite feeling isolated in my situation, there are quite literally hundreds of you having similar difficulties in your relationships.
We have been together since just before the COVID-19 pandemic hit the UK, so for 7 months now. I used to live at home with my mother as I am still a student, but I was also working a full time job at the same time to ensure I was financially stable after my studies finished for the summer. My SO is an agency chef, so unfortunately he was unable to find any work during the pandemic, and as a result became increasingly stressed as the months passed by. However, he and I had known each other for years and since then, we'd always had such a great connection, so I put his erratic behaviour and childish outbursts down to stress, as it was also a consistent behaviour that I saw my mother display my whole life (a single parent with an alcohol problem).
I was earning a considerable amount in my job so would always offer to buy him things when I got paid, (clothes, sneakers etc) as in the past I spent a lot of money on myself due to still living at home. It was something I was aware he indulged in before we started dating, and for that I was more drawn to him as in my eyes this meant we were very similar people who liked looking after our own appearance. For me, treating the partner I was beginning to have intense feelings for and dare I say love, was no different to buying things for myself - in fact, it seemed less selfish of me to spend my money in this way, especially when he couldn't afford to buy himself anything. In hindsight though, I think he got used to me paying for things.
After three months of the relationship, he suggested we move in together. I was a bit shocked as we hadn't been together for long and I didn't have any plans to pay rent in a place of my own until after graduation. He knew about the issues I had with my mother and living with her, though, and decided to use this to his advantage - telling me it would be the perfect opportunity to cut the apron strings, spend the summer together and save some money for me going back to college. So, naturally I jumped at the chance and before I knew it we were sitting in a huge, expensive city centre apartment roomsharing with 4 young professionals.
The first few months were great - we worked out together, he would cook for me every night when I got home from work, then make something else for my lunch at work the next day, and we would have great sex every night. We'd spend our weekends going on trips, meeting his friends/family, and dining out in nice restaurants. We'd spend a bit of time socialising with our roommates most nights and all of them seemed to love him - as he is funny, charming, and witty although a tad glib. Name the positive trait you desire in a partner - he has it. He would tell me our life together is going to be amazing, and that when he finally got a full time job again he was going to take care of us like I had been taking care of him since we met.
Around five months into our relationship, he would begin to shout and throw things over the most trivial details - details that for him were clearly massive issues. One day I forgot to send him money for a loan he had taken out on his mother's house, thus resulting in a late payment fee. He smashed the shower floor and door, screamed at me, called me stupid and careless and told me "this was what he had to do" so that he didn't harm me, and that he had to lash out at something so that it didn't have to be me. The thing is - old, pre-serious relationship me would have told him to get lost. But loving him so much and spending so much time with him has made me feel weak when he gets angry, to the point where I (a previously very feisty person) don't ever dare to argue back because it just amplifies the pain and makes it last longer. Soon after this incident, everything that went wrong in some way was my fault.
In the last few months we have stopped having sex everyday, we don't sleep close to each other anymore, we have stopped working out together, he doesn't cook or do any chores when I am gone, and I found out he had much more debt than I realised. The outbursts are so frequent that I am beginning to worry about what I have gotten myself into - almost every single day follows this routine:
1) having a huge one sided fight in the morning that seems like the most lonely and heartwrenching thing to go through
2) me going to work and feeling terrible all day (I did discover this site in that time, though!)
3) me coming home to him telling me that I am just too sensitive and reactionary for my own good, and that I need to learn how to handle him better. He'll kiss me and then I feel better again and I almost forget about how horrible I'm likely to feel again in 12 hours time. Sometimes in these moments, I feel like he is right and I do react too dramatically. It depends on the time of day.
It is even more difficult when your SO is aware that they have a problem. After one of his outbursts (i.e. him screaming and name calling for something that was apparently my fault) he always without doubt ends up crying in my arms and telling me he always knows the way he is treating me is wrong after he calms down and rationalises the situation. He almost always says the line "just get to know me", but it is very hard to get to know him if everything I do seems to be a potential trigger for this Jekyll and Hyde behaviour. If he is in a bad mood he'll make jibes and say that the way I react is because of my abusive mother and not because of his conduct or manner, or because "for somebody so intelligent you really fail to understand the mind of someone you claim to love so much", but if he is in a good mood it'll probably be something along the lines of "I can't expect you to be a mind reader when you're not" or "you are so loyal to me while keeping us afloat financially. I love and appreciate you."
Another few months on and although he has been offered permanent work in another city, the outbursts are more frequent but always thereafter accompanied by a warm and heartfelt apology that seems to make the pain go away and make me less anxious, so I still do not know if I am risking it all to leave my current city to study from home and be isolated with someone so amazing but so potentially destructive. I adore him because of how caring he is when he is happy and for that reason I wouldn't hesitate to move city with him an get a fresh start somewhere new - but my problem is I don't know if this move will worsen his behaviour or keep me in this current vicious cycle of being so happy but then so upset, depending on his mood. The famous line I always resonate so strongly with is one that lately I have held really close to my heart given recent events -
WHEN IT IS BAD, IT IS BAD, BUT WHEN IT IS GOOD: IT IS REALLY GOODHas anybody else been in a similar situation? Any comments would be greatly appreciated!
