Adult daughter

[There is hope]

I have an adult daughter who has been diagnosed as borderline when she was a teenager and she is now 28. I can't do or say anything right. Everything is an argument unless she is getting what she wants. I'm to the point where I just want to walk away. I am open to all suggestions.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ishopelost]

I am looking for help as well.  My AS doesn't live near us and has made a lot of rash decisions/choices which have led to him hating his life, losing girlfriends, alcoholism, huge debt.
Has the borderline, depression, anxiety, alcoholism.
Asks our thoughts on things like moving, buying a car, etc. and won't listen to a word we say but does his own thing in a rush without thinking.  A few days later then crashes and wonders why he did that. 

[squirrel20]

Our daughter is 27 now. Started acting out at 16. We’ve only recently learned it’s BPD.

Since we cannot force her to get treatment, we, as parents got our own, specialist to help us. Not saying it was everything I was looking for, but it validated what we have been through and see. It got us to understand what we are dealing with. We got some good advice and a couple tools to use.

BPDs are always the victim and they do what they want. I agree as well, they “ask” for advice, then do the opposite. It’s always your fault no matter what

Our best result is disengagement. We have boundaries and we don’t allow them to be crossed. We don’t speak to her often (she’s out of state). We offer no information about us (she uses that against us or turns into a sob story), and we don’t ask questions about her personal life (we only get 50% of the truth ever). This allows us peace.

We were trained to use the SET method. You can find it in I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me. We had been estranged for a year and she visited in July. The whole conversation was the SET method, followed by us advising her we were at peace with people she’d caused us major issues with. She backed off. We didn’t argue and she didn’t see us bending over backward to make her happy.

You have to be tough. This is how we basically “walked away”. I know it is hard, but it does bring you peace and removes constant conflict.