This just got so much worse

[Hilla]

and I can't believe I am back in this same awful position. My dad and I are kicking ourselves for ever thinking this arrangement could work. My sister is creating a crisis and putting her 9yo and 12yo children in the middle. She is blaming me for everything and making me out to be a villain.

She leaves her children with us every Saturday. She leaves and goes to be by herself, she doesn't spend time with the children, me, or our dad. So my dad and I are expected to look after them every weekend. During the week, the children come to our house to do school two days a week while their mom goes to work or wherever she goes. The other days of the week the children go to their dad's. My sister and her ex husband divorced two years ago when my sister cheated on him.

When I asked for help putting away a puzzle, one of the kids said it wasn't their mess, so they didn't have to. I told the kids I was asking for their help and would appreciate it. They said no and that their mom told them to "stand up" to me if I ask them to do something. I was really surprised to hear this and I was upset by it. I said to them that I don't ask them to do very much at all, and I was surprised that they did not want to help me. The older child immediately started to cry and yell. I tried to defuse the situation but they called their mother and cried and said I was being "mean" to them. It is really unfortunate that the poor children are put in the middle of this. The younger child said she knew right away that she should not have said what she said about their mom telling them to "stand up" to me, and she was sorry. I assured both of them how much I love them.

I really did not know what to do. I don't think it is okay for them to be disrespectful of my rules at my house when they are in my care. They are both picky eaters and often refuse to eat dinner. My sister tells me they can eat whatever they want whenever they want, and that I can't tell them to eat vegetables.

There was an incident in May - her boyfriend was drunk and he put his hands on her, pushed her and she fell down. The police ended came to their house, and the flashing lights woke up the children. This is the crisis at the beginning of the pandemic that foolishly made me think it was a good idea to move here to be closer to the kids, and my dad too, who is elderly. My dad and I have a good relationship, and he has witnessed my sister abusing me for years. I always ask him to come to my defense but it doesn't really happen. My sister came in this morning and said "Oh youre playing the victim so well!"

All morning she was texting me I am awful to her, to dad, to the family, that I have issues and I am "hostile" and "nasty" and I am "unhappy" and "need to get perspective." I said I just want to be treated with respect. I used language from the pages of the SWOE book. But it seems only to enrage her.

Nothing works.

[zachira]

You are not alone in having a sister that is taking advantage of you and a father that does not protect you. It sounds like your sister is likely a narcissist and the more you stand up to her, the more abusive she is going to get. Dr Romani has some amazing videos on youtube on how to deal with a narcissist. To understand your father better you might want to look at some of Dr Romani's videos on codependence and flying monkeys.
As for the children, you are making a big difference in their lives, as they need some really positive role models, other than their parents. It is frustrating to have one set of rules for your house that are nothing  like what these children experience in their own home. I realize you are not the parent, yet some of Dr. Romani's videos on coparenting with a narcissist might be helpful.
We are here to listen and support you. There is some light at the end of the tunnel, even though it probably does not seem like that right now. Many members on this site have/had similar family situations to yours, and have found solutions by keeping looking for answers and making changes that result in more calm and peace in their lives. Do keep us posted on how you are doing.

[JNChell]

If you are watching the children, with respect to their mother, you should most definitely discipline them. Not by hitting or anything like that, but they need structure. Right from wrong. If you don’t, who else is going to show them?

[Hilla]

Thank you both for responding here. I really appreciate it so much. @zachira you are right about her becoming more abusive the more I stand up to her, I am glad the NPD is obvious to you. It makes me feel better that this is an indication of something you know - I am so often worrying about the misperceptions she has, and it makes me question my own perceived reality. When I have gone No Contact with her, my life was really simple and good. It was really very easy. So I have to remember that when I start to question myself. I do not believe her children respect me as evidenced by the way they responded to my request for help the other night, and yes I agree they need structure, but then what happens is my sister paints me as a villain, and it teaches them not to respect authority figures, the adult who are caring for them, who are responsible for their wellbeing. My sister is already talking to them as if they are adults, and listening to them as if they are adults too. She has poisoned the relationship and I don't want to confuse them further, I don't want to risk more pain and suffering and confusion and unhealthy patterns/habits. The other night my sister wanted me to 'make it right' with the kids, but I don't think adults and children should work out issues the way she does. In the moment, my own anxieties and confusion come in to play and I cow-tow to what she is dictating.

My sister really truly hates me, and something in her is set off when she interacts with me. It is really horrifying and physically exhausting. I am screaming for help from my dad. I have studied the NPD codependence flying monkeys routines and worked on this in therapy, as I have been dealing with it from my sister for over two decades. I believe the only thing that will do anything to help the situation is if she goes on medication, something in the Prozac family. My dad questions this, he asks would her abusive text messages go away? and i believe they would, or something would change. Has anyone seen this?
I blocked her number and filtered her emails. I can't keep receiving these message of pure hatred.

[zachira]

You are doing with your sister what I am doing with my siblings: only have contact through emails. It is good you have been to therapy and understand about flying monkeys. My heart breaks when I hear how much your sister's cruelty hurts, as I too am treated with hatred by my disordered siblings. It can help to notice your feelings when mistreated by your sister and not try to figure out her feelings. For sure, how badly she treats you, is a reflection on how badly she feels inside, and really has nothing to do with you, yet it still hurts deeply. Isn't it amazing how the no contact can just be such a relief? Are you thinking of going no contact with her again, or is that really not possible because of your father? You may not think you are making a difference with your sister's  children, though I bet you are, because they get to experience a more healthy environment when with you. Still, it is a choice whether you want to take care of your sister's children, and you certainly have no obligation to do so. I know many people have made it clear that they will only take care of other people's children as long as the children follow the rules at their house.

[Hilla]

Thank you for taking the time to write me. As of today I do not want anyone here this week - I am too exhausted, and my body is in pain. All I want is peace and harmony.

My dad went and talked to her for three hours and explained that we won't watch the kids unless they all respect the arrangement. My sister had been trying to speed up a process for the kids to have hamsters here - she was using it in this fight, saying I had promised it to them, which I never did. But this is off the table now.

I will go no contact and be grey rock from now on. I feel badly for the children b/c I do not want to deprive them of the healthy time we can have here, but it is up to my sister. I would love for the younger child to come do school here because she is respectful and we get along in a special way. But for now any conversation about it is going to be between my dad and my sister. He told her she has to show better behavior, and he told her she is like Trump b/c she takes no responsibility for anything.

The kids' living situation is to be shuttled back and forth every day to each parents' house. My sister lives in the house of her boyfriend. When they come here they each have their own room and their own computer b/c I set them up that way. But if no one respects or appreciates it, I do not want to do it. If my sister does not respect my household, then she is depriving them of those privileges.