Huge Family Blowout with sister - help?

[Liberty162]

First of all, thank you for allowing me to join here.  I was recommended to the Book, "Walking on Eggshells" by my therapist which led me to this message board for family members affected by those who my be BPD.  So let me explain the situation that led to a family "divorce" so to speak regarding my father/me against my sister.

I am a 33M(I have a non-romantic life partner), sis is 47F(married) and dad is 75M (widowed). I am half related to my sis. My father married her mother when she was 12, but never adopted her. I was born 2 years later. in 2005, my mother passed and left my father plenty of medical debt and upside down on the farm. He sold the farm and moved into a senior community. He lived there for 2 years before my sis and BIL offered dad to move in with them (they lived in on 160 acres). Dad accepted as he still had plenty of farm equipment that could be utilized. During this time, I was living on my own making ends meet attempting college on my own (no grants, scholarships)

2 months ago Sis told me she can't take dad anymore, I need to come get him and everything/move him in with me.  Her and dad were continuously butting heads and sister decided that I was the one who had to fix the situation.  Sister eventually started blaming me for her marriage becoming rocky (on the platform that since dad is causing the tension, and I need to fix Dad, then I am the problem of her marital disputes).  Dad can function as an adult-he is sound mind, can drive, cook, clean-he is not an invalid, values his independence. Sis also emailed about how I need to buy him a tiny house/mobile home and place it on her property. I countered with Buying him a house closer to town. Sis did not like this, calling me insults, saying "You are a chickens**t, I am throwing this back on her, I might as well not be doing anything"

Dad moves out, gets a house at a retirement center. I went up 3 weeks later to help him get settled (new furniture, set up his internet and tv, etc) and I asked dad some questions about what he wants for his final wishes (since I never knew, and I assume sis did not ever think about this, I was going to). We went to funeral home, made his arrangements and upon recommendation of the funeral director, we then went to an estate planner. Dad wanted sister/BIL to still use the farm equipment but estate planner brought up that it was still on sis's property & suggested doing it advance. Dad called BIL and stated "Would you like to buy it from me?" - BIL agrees.

Sis finds out and becomes angry with me. Accuses me of putting a $ amount on our family, how dare I go to the estate planner without her, etc. Since dad never adopted her, sis would have to go through me for anything after he passes (due to state intestate laws, non-adopted step children are not considered heirs). I told dad since she wasn't a technical heir he should put her in will to ensure she was mentioned. Sis didn't see it this way, and wrote up her own made-up invoice what dad and I owed her over the years he lived there (rent, utilities, storage fees, farm equipment repairs, etc) - basically saying that if dad wants to put a price on his property to sell she put a price on him living there for 13 years. It all ended when Dad and I went to her property to gather the rest of his items, sis became more and more angry since I was not engaging with her in her verbal abuse/mind games.  It ended when she tried to physically attack me and BIL had to restrain her while dad I left the property.

They have all of dads property, has not paid him for it, and estranged dad and I. Sis has told me she would rather be an orphan than have me as a brother.

After all this went down, I sought assistance from a therapist.  I wouldn't say I am traumatized from this - I am willing to accept that I will no longer have a sister due to her choices and actions.  What I am now straggling with is the inner conflict that A) I deal with the grief of "loosing" a loved one and B) that loved one is still alive.

[Hilla]

It really is just so difficult all of this, isn't it? It is hard to imagine their personal world. I have tried many times to be compassionate about that, b/c supposedly it is so very difficult to deal with their own chaos and harsh internal life. But in my experience this does not provide much relief to them or to me. My sibling ends up using my kindnesses against me. There is no logic, no reason, no fairness, balance, or harmony. I am 41 and for two decades I have been yelled and screamed at about what she thinks is so horrible about me. The reasons I tried to have a relationship is because I held on to hope. I do not want this person to crush my spirit, or cause me to lose faith in humanity. But I have endured too much suffering because of her attempts to destroy me and our relationship. She has always been able to find a way to pull me back in, and this has affected my ability to maintain intimate relationships. So I am familiar with the inner conflict you describe, and I had to grieve the loss of my sister a long time ago. My father said last night, "Some people just don't have any redeeming qualities," and something about his ability to accept that and then let it go was helpful to me. I've been learning about what codependency really means, that one person's self esteem depends on the toxic bad habits of another, and this provided me with comfort b/c I am disengaging from bad habits, I am not perpetuating them, and I can see and feel the ill health when I am in her presence.
So I hope this gives you a sense of shared experience; I know reading your post gave me that, so thank you for opening up. 
I am so sorry all of us have had these unhappy experiences. It makes me wonder what kinds of abuses have gone on throughout the history of humanity, and how intrinsic is humanity's potential for evil. We all have to protect ourselves and those we care about. If it means the loss of a sister, and by proxy the potential loss of other family members, then so be it.The abuse is not worth it after all.
I believe it is possible to remain kind but it is not easy, and at times it is not appropriate to be kind. To be forgiving is a virtue, but to be a doormat is masochistic ! It is a lifelong effort to stay balanced.

[Liberty162]

@Hilla, Thank you for that reply.  It does help to know (now) that this isnt just an isolated case of me being overly sensitive.  At the time of the blow up mentioned above, I had never researched the possibility of mental issues with my sister or the underlying causes and thus the effects.  Afterwards, I obviously started researching more about it and I really am hoping all of this is because of an underlying condition, and not her just choosing to be a monster.

Going back to replay the texts, emails, etc - I def see signs of FOG occurring and I can count the instances.  And while going forward, the relationship cannot be mended and we are both NC now, I am focusing on my own mental well being from it and working with my therapist to identify those feelings and how to work through them.