"Sister" with BPD - need advice

[SteelGeraniums]

Mostly an introduction, but we also had another crisis last night that I could use some perspective on.

The person in my life with BPD is a family friend that I've considered a sister for the last 6/7 years. When she was younger (in her teens), she was over at our house all the time because her home life was not healthy. I unfortunately, and unconsciously, allowed a codependency to form between myself and her. She became very enmeshed, calling all the time, texting constantly, wanting to be around 3, 4 days a week. I assumed things would change when she was an adult and out of her house, but they didn't. Whenever she comes home from college, she's still over all the time and constantly calling.

This summer things really came to a head, we had to bring her to the ER to get her help and she was put into a brief in-patient program where she was finally officially diagnosed with BPD and is now receiving treatment and therapy for it. Since then, and since a lot of frank conversations with my husband, I've realized how much I've been enabling her codependency on me, and ignoring my own needs and wants and those of my family.

I love her very much, and when she's doing well, she's a great person to be around. My kids love her a lot too, and she's very sweet with them. They see her as their Aunt. But I've taken her to hospital twice, spent nights on the phone when she was suicidal as a teen but didn't want to reach out for help, and otherwise enabled a lot of codependency that needs to stop now. I haven't been acknowledging my emotional needs or wants, and it's taken a major toll on my mental health and the health of my other relationships. I've already set some boundaries, and I've resolved on many more to set over time that I feel really good about.

I found out last night, when she called my husband's phone because I wasn't picking up mine (because I told her I was not available at all after 8), that she's in the hospital again (she's at college, not local right now). She'll be going into in-patient treatment (again) for a few days. At this point, seeing the effect this has on me and my marriage and my ability to parent, I have to step down from being her "safety plan" contact. I just can't be available 24/7 for her, and I know I shouldn't be. I just feel guilty stepping out of that role.

[pursuingJoy]

SteelGeraniums, thanks for sharing what's going on. To be honest, I don't have advice to give. Any suggestion I might have had, you've already followed through on.

This...

I just feel guilty stepping out of that role.

...is a really normal and difficult part of the process. We feel responsible and feel guilty for stepping back from the caretaker role. Guilt subsides after time. It's a little like working a new muscle. Your sister can and will find care in other places. You can and will prioritize your mental health and the care of your marriage and family. I know you love her. It's because you love her that you're doing this. She deserves professional help.

You've clarified that you're not available after 8 pm. What other boundaries do you have in place, or anticipate needing to set?

[Brook]

SteelGeraniums, Welcome to the site. I can relate to your story as many of us can. Being on this site with so many wonderful and supportive people was a great help to me and I hope it will be to you too. One of the messages I’m hearing over and over on this site is that it is never wrong to take care of yourself and make decisions based on what’s best for you and your family.

Being a caretaker of a pwBPD is an all-consuming, overwhelming responsibility. I hope you find the peace and strength to make healthy choices for yourself and your family.

Please write again and let us know how you’re doing.

[SteelGeraniums]

I talked briefly with her today when she called from the hospital. When I talked about how we had already established that she couldn't call late, her justification was that she "just needed me to tell her 'I love you'". I told her that it still wasn't ok to call then, and that I wasn't emotionally able to be her go-to person when she's in crisis anymore. At which point she shut down, stopped talking, and ended the call. Not surprising, and I know that the discomfort I feel will pass. But having these conversations with my imaginary pwBPD and the real one are very different experiences! I'm really having to remind myself over and over that setting boundaries and stepping away from the codependency is good, not selfish. I also struggle to remember what exactly to say in the moment, especially when she starts trying to change the subject. Maybe writing things down would help?

pursuingJoy - I need to set boundaries regarding how much time she's over, and how long she's staying when she is over. I'm ok with her being over at our house for family events (weekly family dinners, birthday parties, etc.) But she wants to do monthly sleepovers again and wants to stay late like she was before. At this point, I'm really only comfortable with her being there when other family members are there too. But I haven't had the resolve to talk much about these boundaries before. My husband and I set some after her time in the hospital in July, but she was thinking those were temporary.

[pursuingJoy]

Maybe writing things down would help?

It would! Practice. Come up with statements that sound and feel authentic and repeat as necessary. We sometimes fall into explaining our motivations, and unfortunately, this has the effect of sounding defensive and also invalidates the other person. It really is best to keep the messaging simple and direct.

pursuingJoy - I need to set boundaries regarding how much time she's over, and how long she's staying when she is over. I'm ok with her being over at our house for family events (weekly family dinners, birthday parties, etc.) But she wants to do monthly sleepovers again and wants to stay late like she was before. At this point, I'm really only comfortable with her being there when other family members are there too. But I haven't had the resolve to talk much about these boundaries before. My husband and I set some after her time in the hospital in July, but she was thinking those were temporary.[/size]

For now, spend time solidifying these boundaries within yourself and with your husband. It's most helpful to the pwBPD when you set clear, firm boundaries in a loving and sincere way. Consistency, even between you and your spouse, will be key to success. If your husband picks up her second call when you've already ignored her first, it will send a mixed message to her. If it's an emergency, she can leave a message, and you can call her back when you are available. Continued calls are manipulative.

Also, in my experience, and in the spirit of being prepared, it is possible that you won't get the opportunity to voice boundaries to her. pwBPD often struggle to live in the in-between transitional spaces for very long. In a self-protective move (that is also self-defeating) they will paint people black when faced with boundaries. If that happens, your response should be one of acting, not reacting. Understand it for the protective measure that it is. Maintain a steady response, repeat your messaging, and continue to take care of yourself.

[once removed]

is this a relationship you still want to maintain?

if so, its important that boundaries be realistic.

if the nature of the relationship is one that youre not comfortable with, its also one that has existed for 6-7 years, and wont change over night.

from where shes sitting, shes probably not getting the subtlety. and i do not mean to add to your sense of guilt when i suggest that the message shes taking is probably more like "shes rejecting me, shes dumping me, and she hates me" than "she has other priorities, and things are changing between us, and thats okay because we still care for each other".

in the short term, that can mean she responds with anything from upping the ante (stressful for you and your family), to splitting you black and cutting you off.

from where im sitting, your goals are sound, reasonable, and healthy. it just may be that theres a way to make the transition smoother for her, but primarily for you.