What finally made you say no to your disordered family members demands?

[zachira]

I have made many concessions over the years with my disordered family members which have only led to more abuse of me and in the long run delayed the inevitable of eventually having to stand up to them and say no despite the consequences because allowing them to continue to abuse me would have resulted in much worse long term consequences. I have recently refused to sign a statement agreeing to not sue my brother before all the money from the estate is distrubuted. I have also recently refused to sign a statement giving my sister all the holiday time she wants at the cottage, have me pay half for the work she was doing at the cottage while I continue to do all the work I do, in addition to other one sided demands that exclusively benefit my sister. While it is hard to draw the lines in the sand, going along would mean I would not get my share of the inheritance and also that my sister would never sell the cottage as I continue to pay half the expenses and do most of the work for a summer cottage that I am not allowed to enjoy. What made you finally start saying no to your disordered family members unreasonable demands because the long term consequences of going along with these insane unreasonable demands would make things much worse for you now and in the future?

[JNChell]

z, I say good for you! I wouldn’t sign anything legally binding with them just because...

I never really had to say no to my parents. They moved a thousand miles away when I was in my early twenties. The distance made it easier to avoid phone calls and having to see them. The voicemails could be a bit unsettling. Asking why I didn’t love them and why I wouldn’t return their calls, always in a condescending tone. Maybe I said no in my own way by finally being able to control the contact with them due to the distance between us. In the 11 years that they survived after moving away, I visited twice for the sake of visitation. It was much more frequent when the illnesses started. I have absolutely no desire to ever board a plane again or visit Florida. Lol. No offense to that great state, I’ve just got some unsavory memories that are attached to going there.

zachira, it’s great to see your strength. I’m very happy for you.

[Living Life]

Zachira, good for you. Realize that no matter what you do, it won't make them happy, so just go ahead and do what is right for you. There will be mud slinging, but they would be doing it anyway. Stand firm, and keep insisting on what is right.

[Methuen]

I have recently refused to sign a statement agreeing to not sue my brother before all the money from the estate is distrubuted. I have also recently refused to sign a statement giving my sister all the holiday time she wants at the cottage, have me pay half for the work she was doing at the cottage while I continue to do all the work I do, in addition to other one sided demands that exclusively benefit my sister.

Wow.  

My situation is currently very different than yours.  I say no to my mom, but currently it's just about the small stuff.  That will change with time.  For example, two days ago when I still had out of town company, my 84yo uBPD mom pressured me to go to her house to purchase underwear online for her 91 yo sister (who lives at least a thousand miles away) and who wants help to get new underwear (because she has "no one" to help her).  Suddenly this online purchase has become my "job".  I told her I would try to come on the weekend, after my company had gone, and my work week was over.  This morning (Saturday) at 8:00am the text arrived asking me to order the "undies" online.  I texted her back and told her I could do it with her tomorrow when I came to town and we were together.  I know this is unsatisfactory to her because "making her wait" is akin to her "not feeling important" or "loved".  I am ok with letting her feel her feelings.  There was a time when I would have dashed over to her house to please her and order the dang "undies" for her sister who I know has a ton of children and grandchildren of her own to assist her.  However, I'm pretty sure that my mom probably volunteered me (to make herself look good).  These days, she can wait until I am available.  I am comfortable that meeting her request within 3 days is still timely and reasonable.  I feel a wee bit of pride that I have learned to set boundaries for myself, which may mean saying "no" to her "on demand" requests/demands.  What got me to this point of being able to say no was hitting my rock bottom.  Either I had to change and learn how to take care of my own needs (different than hers), or I was going to self-destruct, or I was going to have to go all-out NC.  As for the inheritance piece after the passing of the parents, my H is entering that phase right now with his sister who has probably skimmed at least $150,000 off the top before the passing.  The execution of that Will is going to be interesting, as his sis tends to follow the strategies of your siblings.  Fortunately, there isn't a whole lot to execute, so it's not going to make a big difference for us personally.

Are either of your siblings offering anything to you, in return for your signature?

Good for you, for finding your voice (to say no).  As you say, it isn't helpful for you to continually concede to unreasonable demands.  

I genuinely hope you have good support around you, including legal advice to help you navigate through those weeds in the swamp.

[madeline7]

So glad you are stronger and taking care of YOU! It's a process and a tumultuous path for all of here on this board, and I learn from everyone's journey which is unique for each person, yet something in everyone's post usually resonates with me. I have better boundaries presently, yet I am somewhat disappointed in myself that it often takes my uBPDm to initiate not talking to me to get me on the right path. But I am being more forgiving of myself and still proud of the gains I have made in being healthier. What is presently going on is that I can almost feel what radical acceptance feels like, and I am "reacting" with compassion rather than anger. I am acting in the way I feel is right, and am finding that when I act in the opposite manner of my BPDm, I feel better about being a kind and caring person. I do not feel like a doormat, I am just happy to be a considerate person.

[zachira]

Madeline7,
Your compassion always shines through in your replies. You are indeed a kind and caring person. You are working on radical acceptance. I have recently learned that there is a step beyond acceptance which is making meaning out of the bad things that have happened to us. You certainly are doing that, treating your mother with kindness and compassion, and not treating her like she has treated you, in addition to being a loving mother to your children. I have found Dr. Romani's youtube videos on narcissism extremely helpful. She has a particularly good one on the silent treatment which I found helpful in enduring the silent treatment I get from my siblings. I am sorry your mother gives you the silent treatment, as that hurts. When I read your posts, I think of the boundaries I set with my mother when she was alive, and how I could not bring myself to go no contact with her, just limited contact like you are doing with your mother. It is a long journey for all of us who have to endure ongoing abuse and painful memories from being mistreated by our disordered family members. Thank you for your ongoing support and understanding.

[Sylfine]

Woohoo!  I am so happy that you were able to draw those lines with your siblings. 

I'm lucky I guess that the lines I've had to draw with my mother haven't been too serious yet.  What made me start realizing there was an issue is becoming a parent myself.  Knowing I do not want my daughter growing up the way I did and having someone else to protect is what gave me the strength to stand up to her.  Also, my wonderful H helped me see the gaslighting and the craziness. 

You got this 

[LeneLu]

We, too, have a family summer cottage.  I am SO tired of fighting with my BPDsister that I "forfeited" any claim to the cottage. My parents, understanding the situation, have now codified this in their will.

There is no way that I can manage a property with her.  It would be, "I did this, I did that, you owe me for..." for the rest of my life.

In my situation, I will just get a cash payout for my third of the estate (I have a brother, too.)

I wonder what message this step communicates to her that I am willing to sacrifice a family home that means as much to me as to her...However, it is not worth the pain, frustration and drama that being there with her would mean. It just isn't worth it. But, for the record, there is a part of me that feels her bad behavior got her exactly what she wanted.

LeneLu

[Pomsie]

I stopped communicating with old friends and anyone in my family who was unkind and made me feel bad years ago. I just wish I had done it 10 years earlier. Walk away and do not feel bad no matter what they say. The only way to have a peaceful happy life is to make it that way yourself, and fiercely protect your life from other who will make you unhappy. This includes adult children. I have the most lovely friends now and a few nice family members.
I am going sailing when Covid lifts. It is beautiful out on the ocean with nothing but the wind in the sails.
Poms.

[zachira]

LeneLu,
I am so sad yet understand how you feel about not being able to own the summer cottage with your sister. In my case, it is all about my siblings having power and control, and taking revenge. It does feel like the siblings have won when they get the cottage and the things that mean so much. Yet, you are absolutely right, that you cannot own the cottage with your sister, and you are so smart to get it arranged that you will get a cash instead of the cottage. I admire you for getting what is going on, and letting go of what you cannot control.

[Notwendy]

Good for you Zachira-

They won't be happy with whatever you do so you might as well protect your share of things.

What I have found is that, people like this don't seem to have the same idea of "fair" that we do.

If I had one pie to share with you, my idea of fair would be to take half and give you half. If I took more than half, it would not feel fair to me.

But my experience with someone in "victim" mode is that, they would see this as unfair. To even things up they would take most and leave you a sliver of it, if at all and they would not feel bad about that, but it probably wouldn't make them feel happy either.

We have to look out for ourselves with people like that. We want to be fair but I don't think they have the same idea of fair and there's no way to change that. So look after you.

I have been generally amenable with BPD mother's wishes. However, there is no way I would have left my children alone with her when they were younger. This was not an issue as she has not wanted to babysit on her own- we mainly visited as a family unit.

However, as they got to be young teens, they became potentially useful to her and I observed her trying to enlist them as helpers and emotional caretakers and also begin to triangulate with them against me.

My kids would gladly help their grandparents out and would be agreeable to helping around the house, running an errand ( once they could drive) but this is how my BPD mother begins to enlist them to meet her emotional needs. She would then confide in them, triangulate, and manipulate them. Once I saw this, I started to have boundaries. There is no way I would allow her to do this with them.

As you can imagine, this did not go well with my parents.

I think we say no when yes isn't acceptable to our own boundaries. Hold your own Zachira- protect what is yours.