Knowing our rights. Adult survivors of childhood abuse

[JNChell]

This isn’t meant to be a political post. It’s geared towards personal rights that have to do with our feelings, emotions and reactions regarding day to day life. Enduring an abusive childhood shouldn’t be a thing. Unfortunately, for a lot of us, it’s reality. Our rights were kept from us. We were told when to feel good. We definitely knew when it was bad. Let’s face it, it was terrifying. Beatings, yelling, name calling, threatening juvenile detention, guns, threatening to take my dog away. Countless BS by abusive parents. It was so unpredictable. I spilled milk on Monday and got my ass kicked. I spilled milk on Tuesday and panicked, I got a hug and was told that everything was okay. WTF?

This probably sounds bad, but I’m glad most days knowing that my parents are dead. For whatever reason, they couldn’t conceive so they adopted. If I had to guess, my mom wanted kids more than my dad. Mom’s sister was having kids. Mom’s family didn’t like my dad. Nobody really liked him if I’m being honest. Maybe mom was compensating for something. That doesn’t really matter. Because of their own insecurities, denial and not truly being fulfilled, they abused a young child that they adopted. There is another member here that was adopted and abused. That just goes beyond my thinking. Or maybe I just don’t want to think about it.

Adult survivors have rights. They’re not on any books. There isn’t any legislation. But we have rights. Natural rights that we were deprived of as children and adolescents. Happiness. Feeling safe. Privacy. The human right of feeling dignity. The human right to not feel physical pain by another. The human right to not have our minds manipulated and twisted by a disordered adult that is supposed to be guiding us. The list can go on , but room for conversation is better.

How do you feel that your rights were violated as a child/adolescent?

[Living Life]

JNChell, you had a horrific childhood. And NO child should be subjected to that. There was an episode when I was perhaps 10: a big fight started at the dinner table; my mother grabbed the butcher knife that was lying by my father to cut up the roast chicken; she jumped up screaming and started to attack him with the knife. I proceeded to jump up and run screaming from the table. My father apparently calmed her, and came in and calmed me. Due to that specifically, and many other violent fights I had to witness, plus the invective directed at me, I learned to avoid home and make my own way. I had friends with stable families, so I learned another way of dealing with the world. As an adult, I chose a life partner who was 'normal' and wanted the best for me. I will not tolerate bullies, excess drinking, and general bad behavior.

My right to my personal happiness has been hard fought; it is difficult to drive the blue meanies out my mind and realize I am worthy of respect and happiness. I now have a former friend who screamed and bullied me. I still have to deal with her, so am polite, but the walls are up and I avoid her as much as possible, as others have done.

I believe the key is reorder your thinking, whether by professional counseling, or wise friends. Eliminate the blue meanies, and in their place, instill all the positives. The trick is in the doing, and then in believing your self talk. Ultimately, 'I am worthy' and 'I deserve to be treated with love and respect.' Your close friends will echo this to you and it becomes self fulfilling.

And there is no grief for the loss of my very long lived parents either. I am glad they are gone, and they don't need to RIP.

[JNChell]

Living Life, you can’t unsee or erase that from your memory. You know, I’m beginning to not like saying that I’m sorry to members for what they’ve been through. It just doesn’t make sense. Yes, the sentiment is there, but it doesn’t really match the situation. I hope that makes sense.

I can understand your situation as far as I can with regards to abuse. Reading what you said put me right in your shoes and gave me a visual. It sounds like you had as good a dad as you could’ve in that dynamic.  He went through that and came to calm you down. He might have been better if he would’ve taken you out of there, but let’s face it. Family court is not a friend to fathers. Maybe he was was also bound to his vows.

We have something in common. Finding a place away from home. My best friend of over 30 years. When I was a kid I spent all of my free time around him and his family. They still own the same plot of land in the country. My bf has his own house and his parents still have their house. I believe that having that place to basically escape to and see how a healthy family operates may have saved me up to a certain point. These are good people. The best I’ve ever known. On the weekends there is always a huge spread of food at his parents. Everybody is welcome to eat and hang out. 5-15 people could come through the door. There is a level of respect that is given by the younger ones.

I crash on his couch a lot lately since S5’s mom has been withholding. He’s a great friend. I’d take a bullet for him.

I know what you mean by not missing your parents. I don’t miss mine one bit and I didn’t cry at their funerals. I cried enough while they were “raising” me.

[Living Life]

My father was my champion, my buffer against my BPD mother, the one who helped me with math, and told me I could do anything. However, he was a high functioning alcoholic who regularly beat my mother, and would be the one who upon my mother's instructions, had to beat my brother while I had to watch. Ultimately, I think they both needed all the dysfunction and drama, so stayed together all those years. My brother and I both left home as soon as we could. He seems to have repressed his demons; he claims to remember none of the bad events while growing up. All that is another story, which has led to my 'divorcing' my brother and going NC with him for 3+ years now.

I wrote a letter of thanks to my oldest friends mother when she was in her 80's, thanking her for providing a safe and nurturing place for me in her home during my high school years. My friend is an only child, so I was frequently asked to stay over at the last minute with no problem. She would even give me a toothbrush. Elaine had no idea of my difficult home situation; she was just a wonderful mom simply being kind to her daughter's friend. She had no idea she was literally saving my life. Although she has since passed away, my friend still tells me how much that letter meant to her.

Friends are the family we choose. I can't be your friend if there is going to be continual drama. My wise friends have been my surrogate therapist. I have learned how to navigate and deal with the world in a healthy manner (I hope) through the example of my husband and a lifetime of friendships.

I hope you are able to maintain your relationship with your son. A strong, dependable father makes such a difference in a kid's life. Hang in there. My optimistic self says that right will ultimately prevail. In the meantime, be the best dad you can be.

[JNChell]

That’s a wonderful post. You came out of that situation the best that you could have. What a life. Yeah? We’re finding our way. It’s really hard to navigate after we have had our own experiences with relationships and stuff like that. It took me a few before I stood back and said, “what the hell is going on with me?”. This is hard stuff to get through.

What happened with your brother?

[Living Life]

oh my, this is a sordid tale. He left home at 18 and immediately married; had 2 girls, graduated from college, after a few years wife left. He remarried; shortly after had custody of the young girls whom his current wife didn't want. The evil stepmother myth is reality. His daughter age 15 1/2 suddenly came to Iive with us; it turned out we changed her life and demonstrated a normal hard working loving family, which she has duplicated with her family.

He drank my mother's kool aid, choose to believe all her lies. We think the wife started this, but probably at my mother's insistence, helped her change her trust after my father died to disinherit me and have more for her own 2 adult children. The 3 of them kept it a secret for 7 years, until my brother finally felt bad enough about it, he told me about 6 weeks before she died at age 97+. After she died, I helped clean out the house, which was a huge problem for the wife, which I didn't know at the time. Things went from bad to worse, and I pushed back on the inheritance, arguing that my father in his  now invalidated will wanted me to have 1/2 of his estate, and always argued with my mother to split the estate evenly. Due to the circumstances of how the trust was changed, I argued that I probably had a legal case that would annul the new trust. He didn't like any of that, and really started in bullying, calling me names, telling me horrible false stories of what other people had said about me, threatening me with public shaming, etc. He turned into my mother. He did send me 1/2 of my father's estate. Yippee.

After 7 months of all this, I had enough, and notified him that I really didn't want to have much to do with him anymore. He responded that he was surprised to hear from me, but he was right all along, that I really was a money grubbing opportunist.

That took about 18 months of tears to work through. He and I were always a team against the parents. Then I got thrown under the bus. I am now totally OK with the divorce; I do not need people in my life who demean me and do not respect me. Recently, his 2nd daughter, who has become like our own, had her big blowup with he and his wife, and told him if he died first she didn't think she would get her inheritance from her grandmother (she left it to him, but it was to be given to the 4 adult grandchildren), that the wife would cut out she and her sister and give it all to her own 2 biological children. This shook up my brother. 2nd Daughter went to counseling, got some good advice, and my brother has since released all the funds.

The best part: the counselor asked how she learned how to love and raise a productive family, the answer: she came to live with us. High praise indeed. And I guess all this heartache was worth it.