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Author Topic: Totally confused by being left  (Read 401 times)
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 2

« on: October 04, 2020, 04:26:39 PM »

Hi, I'm not sure if writing this here will help me, but as I'm totally confused & experiencing the worst emotional trauma of my life, I suppose it can't hurt. I've never used message boards before, or sought online help, but I'm so stressed by the experience I'm shaking with it all.
I've been in a 5 month relationship with a 21 year old guy. I'm 54 so I was aware of all of the usual pressures of an age gap relationship as if those weren't enough, the events of the last few weeks have made what those might have been look easy.
He was Polish, I'm English, he lives in the UK & was living with his family, I was aware that he wasn't out to them & had no wish to be, & that he had had an episode last year where he was outed to them, & thrown out by them, this had been resolved by denial. I was aware that he had a history of running. from jobs & relationships, but I didn't appreciate the importance of that.
It all began randomly with a casual meet, but immediately the intensity of his pursuit was there, he did all of the running, I was reticent, but felt he needed help financially, business etc - he said they were things that he wanted to do, I was more than able to help him do them, this was not about buying him.
In March when the UK went into lockdown for Covid he moved in with me, & began helping me deal with the catastrophic effects on my business, it was all very sudden, but all seemed very right, he had an engaging personality, he made me & my other staff smile & laugh. There were no problems at home, we got on well, the only issue being the time he spent talking to his family on the phone & on social media, which I naively attributed to age.Everything went well or seemed to until around July, then I increasingly felt I was dealing with 2 people, like a clock pendulum swinging I was dealing with 2 personalities at home, although at work nothing seemed amiss, my home was in chaos, it was increasingly difficult to motivate him to do anything, I joked that after visits to his parents I seemed to be dealing with his evil twin, & that I no longer knew what I was to him - a Surrogate Dad, His Mentor or His Lover. He was increasingly childish & immature at work, there was a constant referral to his body image at work & with customers & other members of staff, initially mild flirting, gradually developing to more blatant sexualisation.  I often commented how disappointing it must be for him that he was with a man who despite this young guys impressive physique & looks wasn;'t interested in those things, rather being interested in the inner man. Similarly I overlooked his love for Poland or desire to be there. I had listened to his stpries of his resntment of coming to the UK, being brough here as a boy of 12, his hatred of England, the racism, the bullying, the fights, he had told me of his almost daily fights until he met me, & his pride in winning them, & how he was now proud that I had calmed this personality trait.

At home however life became almost a battle, A battle not to control him, but control his personality. I was exhausted, I lay awake night after night wondering what I was doing in this relationship, where it was going, knowing that it couldn't last, but believing I could help him. Work on his business development plan ground to a halt. Any attempt to chivvy him along to move his plan forward was met with I'll do it by Friday, he never did. His mobile phone usage increased. He would sit in a room with me in the evening, either talking in Polish on his phone to Family members I was told, or answering an almost continuous stream of online messages from Snapchat, Instagram, Facebook etc etc - 1 - 2 - 3 hours every night - If I asked who it was I was told defensively none of your business.

Things came to a head & an end very quickly. In August after tutoring him for many nights he passed his driving theory test, He then prematurely & ridiculously got a prectical driving test within 2 weeks - this was after having had no driving tuition. This coincided with a visit to him at work from his Uncle, who clearly & intimidatingly came to deliver a message - I know not what - & a visit home to his parents after they returned from a 3 week holiday in Poland. Taking him to his parents that weekend, he had said he'd behave more maturely & seriously both in our relationship & bat work, I naively believed him, but within 2 hours whilst I was at home decorating alone, I received a series of text messages from him asking if he could go to Poland for a few days. In view that our business is public facing & we have to take the risk of Covid transmission seriously I was not happy, however i agreed to discuss it & reach an agreement if the Air Corridor remained open between the UK & Poland.

He had no luck securing driving lessons, so I agreed to purchase a car & give him tuition to give him the best chance possible, no one in his "adored" family volunteered.
On his return to work the next day - visits to his family always had to be overnight visits - he dropped also that he wanted to go back to them overnight the next Saturday for a 6 year olds birthday party. I thought this odd & pointed out that in effect he removed 2 days of driving tuition, & two days later he dropped the idea of the Saturday visit, saying that he'd never said he was going to it. This was a constant theme, saying something, then denying that he'd said it.
I purchased the car, & proceeded to give him driving tuition - 4 to 6 hours every night I was taking him driving around Derby after work until Midnight & 1am in the morning - I was exhausted. I was getting up at 7 to try & maintain some semblance of order at home & look after my Dogs etc - he slept on in bed until 9am it was an increasingly difficult battle to get him out of bed - I was running a business, trying to do home maintenance after building work had been undertaken, & giving him driving tuition.
I thought it could get no worse, but it did.
The following week my ex-partner contacted me saying they had been told by a mutual friend that my "gay" partner was sending photographs & sexually explicit messages to a woman on snapchat. My ex provided me with the photographs which were undeniably of him, additional information in the messages could clearly only have come from him. He had propositioned the woman to meet him for sex in a Park near my home. Having already discovered that he had set up a profile on a well known gay website whilst living at my home, I knew he had a track record, & having frequently questioned his sexuality I challenged him on this profile. His denial was absolute.  I had no choice but to believe him, & accept his excuse that his brother had hacked his account. He was a plausible accomplished liar. I received more information about the messages which looked increasingly damning but I chose to accept his excuse, & asked only that he find out who had done it, for his own & my peace of mind.
I knew he had walked out of psychiatric analysis previously he was open about that, & I knew there was a split personality that i was dealing with, I had limited knowledge of psychiatric disorders, but gradually felt it was either Schizophrenia or Split Personality, I put it to him on the Saturday, & his response on the Sunday was " What is schizophrenia". The constant pressure at home continued, not helped by him telling me he'd booked his tickets to Poland without consultation, I was not happy about it, the risk of air travel & transmitting Covid to my other staff or customers, the potential risks to the survival of my business were immense. His actions were selfish, self centred, self serving.  His answer, no one would know if he contracted it, he could work outside, mine was that he would be in self isolation for 14 days, I wasn't risking it. His driving test was on the Tuesday - 1st September - I didn't think he was ready but he had a good chance, I felt he needed a few more days tuition, but he took his test & passed with zero faults, All credit to him.
At home his behaviour hadn't improved, he had become increasingly violent, not in so much violence to me intentionally, but horse play which got out of hand, if it hurt or bruised me, he didn't seem to know that he'd done it, his denial was absolute. I repeatedly protested, told him that he didn't know when to stop, my upper body was a mass of bruises.
Returning to after his driving test, he was changed, he was angry & dark. There was no thanks for getting him through his test, many calls to his family telling them he'd passed, to me silence.
There were 2 hours before my business closed after his test & I had an appointment in the town at 5pm so we returned to work, he carried on doing jobs whilst I chatted to my manager about the situation. I was hurt that there had been no thanks. The staff at the shop had bought him a congratulations present for passing, but again little or no thanks. My joke that his Father had begged his company to take him off furlough & back to work rather than teach him to drive, caused fury from him, the situation was black.
After my 5pm appointment I returned to work to pick him up, expecting him wanting to get home to insure the car that I had bought him so he could drive. He was on his phone, came off it immediately, & within 2 minutes had told me he was leaving.
No explanation, no discussion. I took him home, he packed his bags, I drove him back to his parents & that was the last time I saw him.
I had commented to him that his life with me was a vhapter that could be easily expunged, no photographs, no crossover, I, my business, my staff, my home were kept very distinct & separate from his family & his previous life, he had denied this, that he would never deny me, but as with everything his words have become to mean little.
I was confused, devastated, bemused, lost - not for the relationship which was faltering & I knew it, but for the reason, there had been no discussion, no attempt to save the relationship, no angry argument, no reason.
I had asked him for weeks if there was anything wrong, asked for reassurrance that we could work through our problems, he always said we could, but there was no attempt to.
As I left him at his parents, I again asked for the truth about the snapchat messages, he still denied them, he still said he hadn't, that he wouldn't admit to something that he hadn't done.
Over the next couple of days I got messages from him, loving messages, I asked if it was over & his reply was that he couldn't say that.
In Poland he disappeared for 3 weeks & he re-appeared in the UK last week. There was no attempt to contact me, no attempt to provide closure. I had been through over 3 weeks of Hell imagining all manner of scenarios, & he didn't seek to even say hello. I was even more confused, we had been joined at the hip 24/7 for 5 months & suddenly I didn't exist. He'd blocked me on Whattsapp & all messaging channels, messages from staff were ignored. This was destroying me.
On the off chance I went on the Gay website that he'd previously been caught out on, I didn't find him immediately on there, but on its sister Swinging site I was stunned to find his profile - & even more stunned to find he'd been actively on there since Mid-June posting videos of himself pleasuring himself at work - I was surprised at this given his low sex drive, & his sterile performance in bed - I was well aware of his issues regarding foreplay & tactility & sensuality in sex.
I have since discovered that he has re-established a profile on the Gay website offering "Paid Services". I was horrified.
I contacted him through the website & he unblocked me on Whattsapp. Finally we got to talk. Our relationship was over he said. No discussion. No explanation. We chatted on & off for a couple more days, until the other night when history was re-written. I had become controlling, patronising, condescending, He was caged, He wanted to be free, To be Happy, He didn't say he wasn't happy with me, but he wanted to be free to return to Poland. He wanted to earn his own money to spend, I had insulted him by paying for everything for him including giving him a salary, this was despite the fact he invariably asked for my card to pay for things at all times, & expected that. I had a controlling pesonality despite having been totally subdued by him. He gave no examples just excuses & ranting of No No No that's a lie whenever he couldn't explain. I was hurt, undermined, devalued. He made no apology for the websites, for the behaviour, for the messaging, for the deceit, for leaving me as he did. He only said he would never hurt me, & that he would have hurt me more if he had stayed, he never understood the torture that he had inflicted on my body, or that the deepest hurt is emotional hurt caused by the nature of his leaving.
No I'm bemused, confused, hurt & concerned. Was it BPD ? Is he just a very selfish individual ? Can I help him ? Will anyone help him ? ( He'd repeatedly said that I was the only person that ever cared for him, that he was invisible to & ignored by his family ) I'm worried for him - worried for his mental health, his physical health, his sexual health. He is a 12 year old boy trapped in a man's body I'd always known that. Sitting going over it with friends since I've realised I'd seen everything, spoken of everything, but acknowledged nothing. Now I'm lone;y, frightened, confused - an emotional wreck on a scale I've never known not even when my Mother & Sister died within 5 months of each other. I don't know if i was targeted or what he wanted. I gave what he had willingly & would have given him more. The intensity of my feelings for him the like of which I have never known. Which was the real guy - the vibrant, happy, personable young man of the first 3 months, or the sullen, dark, selfish bully of the last 2 ? I don't know. I'd never heard of BPD until I started looking into causes of relationship failure after he'd gone & the symptoms & signs were strikingly familiar. Can I get the personable young man back, the young man who can light up a room with his smile, the young man who made me feel alive again after the darkest period of my life. Can I help that young man, I'm sure he needs it, does he know he needs it, does he recognise a problem, why won't he talk to me, why won't he meet me, Do I even exist to him, was he happy, was it all a lie & a game. Thousands of questions, no answers. Am I looking for an excuse or am I looking for a reason, are they one & the same. Friends tell me to move on, to forget him. That he's dangerous, selfish, cruel, manipulative, a sexual deviant, not worth my time. They worry for me, I worry for him - why I don't know He always said he didn't think, that he acted purely on impulse, now I believe that. Will he come back & wreck my life again, would I want him to, do I have the strength to resist him if he did, What do I really feel for him, Did he ever really love me ? The questions are endless, but still no answers.
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1024

« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2020, 05:29:01 PM »

Dear DE5-

I am so very sorry that you find yourself here, but glad that you’ve joined us.  You’ve been been through so much, condensed into a short time period and he came into all parts of your life, so your withdrawal feels immense.  Please be patient with yourself.  Very patient.

The questions you ask, we’ve all asked ourselves.  Our former partners/lovers cannot and generally won’t answer those questions for us; and even if they would, or could, the chances of honesty are pretty minimal.  Seems they don’t KNOW what they feel from one minute to the next.  Ever.  Because everything to them is in the moment.  The loving?  Probably yes, but not the way YOU feel love.  At least how I experienced my relationships.  Sadly I had two...

I’m not here to bash your ex-partner.  That wouldn’t be helpful for you.  Rather a heads-up for you.  And again from experience with my latest ex-BF (6.5 years).

I came to understand (once it was over) that with all his behaviors, his charming ways and his violent rage, his “needing” me, his stealing from me, his charming ways, his lies and deception, his charming ways, his smearing me, his charming ways... I was purely “functional”.  In every sense of the word - I “served” him and his needs and requirements.  Until I didn’t.  Until I called him on it.  And that RAGE he could NOT control on his last night here.  And I cannot look back toward him.  Ever again.

If you go back, if you crack open that window, that door, it WILL be more of the same... except worse.  If you continue to communicate with him, he’ll know he can come waltzing in anytime he wants.  So for your health and well-being, please consider stepping way back.    Way back.  This young man, and your empathy toward him,  have the ability to completely erode not only you, but your business and everything you’ve built in your life.  I know this for a fact.  My ex-husband began that financial destruction and my ex-BF nearly finished me off.

You cannot love him to wellness.  Your ex is a very sick man, but he needs to come to this realization on his own.  You cannot “protect” a person who does NOT think they need protecting.

I’m so very sorry.  Truly.  Sometimes there is simply NOTHING we can do other than heal our hearts, grieve what we thought we had and emotionally move away.  Grab onto the meaningful and honest people in your life.  They will support you through this, as will we. 

Please continue posting here.  And try your best to stay away from contact with him.

Your thoughts?


Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 2

« Reply #2 on: October 05, 2020, 04:56:14 AM »

Thank you Gem, It's good to know other people have been through, & got through this. I am slowly analysing the relationship, & do understand what you mean by functionary, everything was, but my needs were never considered by him. I'd like him to get help, to be the Man I feel he could be, but I know he has to want that, & accept he needs help, at present he's on self destruct mode, & I know deep down his needs are beyond anything I can supply. He has made me question everything about myself, undermined my total being, I almost feel that he raped my soul if you can understand that. Did you find a split personality within your ex-partners?
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Ended 2/2020
Posts: 1024

« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2020, 10:31:14 AM »

Dear DE5-

Again, I am so deeply sorry.  It is a soul-crushing experience.  And does make you question everything you thought you knew and understood about yourself.., sometimes for good reason.  And raises questions about yourself you’d never thought to ask. 

Now may be the time to ask those questions, to do YOUR work, your healing, for other things from your past.  That’s what it meant for me.  My friend, NOW may be the time for your deep dive into yourself... slow and easy.  Be patient with yourself.  Cry in your bathroom, to a trusted friend or a therapist, write it out, scream it out, but allow yourself to do it.  I did it, finally, and I now have an undercurrent of calm, peace and contentment.  At 62 years old... oh wait!  I just turned 63.

My friend, when I had to essentially flee my home (19-year marriage) after my exH’s violent episode, I was just stunned.  I left my community, all my friends, and moved cross-country (not smart).  About 2.5 years after that I met “the most amazing man”... oh, he “HAD” me.  For the next 6.5 years. 

I really LOOK at this relationship with my exBF.  He was a very sick man.  Very sick and very beautiful.  He can still, at 62, attract any person in their early 40’s.  And he is sickeningly enmeshed with his mother.  I knew there was an issue here (so did he) but I didn’t understand the depths of this until her husband passed 1.5 years ago.

From about four months in, my exBF’s erratic behavior was so confusing to me that I started writing to myself about EVERYTHING that was going on.  His unprovoked RAGE, his ridiculous lies, actually stealing from me... just unbelievable.  And then there was his beautiful side... his loving, his caring side, his neediness.  But it was so manipulative.  It really was.  His push for marriage from the start almost cut off my breathing.  Thank GOD I didn’t do that.  It took me 7 years to say yes to my first husband...

And no.  None of it was EVER, IS EVER about what you need or want.  EVER.  And it never can be.  Not even if someone close to you passes away.  That makes you “selfish” in these partners’ eyes and hateful words.  Anything that seems to take laser-eyed focus off them, becomes selfish of you.  So cruel and petty.  You are NOT allowed to grieve...  sorry, off track.

And the “splitting”.  Yes, it’s real.  You can read about it.  It is “love” one moment, “hate” the next.  You don’t seem to know who you’re seeing... this stranger before you.  And then you learn that your beloved, the man who took you in his arms and told you you’re “the only person I’ve ever trusted”... and the next day, Christmas, you learn he’s smeared you to his family, so you’re “uninvited” to dinner.  His mother is “ANGRY for what you did to her son” and doesn’t want to ruin her Christmas.  Huh?

My thoughts today... the pain eases, DE5.  I’m not sure it will be completely gone ever, but I hope so.  I hope so.  I tried to help mine for years.  We spoke at length about all of his issues.  All of them.  He promised therapy.  He may have gone briefly for the rage, but I’m not sure.  He was full of lies. 

I am almost 8 months out.   He tried to come back for a few months and I wouldn’t let him (at the beginning of Covid lockdown).  I am now confident he’s not coming back.  My birthday was two days ago and the day passed with no flowers on my doorstep and no text to me.  I prayed for NO CONTACT on my birthday.  I didn’t want to have to thank him.  He’s gone.  I’m thankful and sad at the same time.  This is the first birthday since 2012 without him.  You see?  This is the roller coaster of the feelings.

I know this is way too long.  I think what I want to say is the bottom line of what I learned through my deep dive following the end of this relationship... was that by accepting his treatment I really had come to respect myself so much LESS than even HE respected me.  And I just wasn’t willing to live like that anymore.  I couldn’t .

I wish you peace through your healing.

Hurting badly

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What is your sexual orientation: Bisexual
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 4

« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2020, 11:41:18 PM »

My heart goes out to you.
Like  I used to, you desperately want to hear that you will have a chance to have him in your life again. And the chances are yes, typically they do come back, and break up, and come back...etc etc until a final break where they are gone for good. Each time they leave you die a little more. Each time it feels worse than the one before. And after the final leave you are left logically expecting/ hoping they will come back with absolutely no closure or sense to what happened... waiting indefinitely. Oh sorry, and in the times you are back together you re experience the extraordinary highs, the closeness and companionship like nothing you have ever know. Each time they come back you learn to trust and believe all over again. And the pain is like nothing you have ever known

One year on, I am feeling more on my feet but still deeply bruised, and still cant quite believe that this re. Just like that, no row, no strong words. The last time I saw mine he told me he wanted me to move in, he needed to spend more time with me and and he believed we were meant to be together forever . A few days later, with no fall out he  blocked, refused to speak to or see me ever again. To this day. I have sent four , friendly, non judgemental light messages asking if we can at least be kind even if I understand we cant be friends. Nothing.. after a year and a half of passionate deep soul connecting relationship. Gone.

Its no use people telling you not to go back. You have to, you have to try dont you? You have to see for yourself and try everything before you can accept it. But if he does have BPD the chances you will be back here again are extremely depressingly high. Please start to build up your life without him. So if this happens again you have a cushion to protect you.

BUt as was said, you cant protect him unless he lets you- and to be fair, even if he does, this feeling that he needs you is the source of the splitting problem. When they feel they love and need you is when you are most in danger of being split black and blocked out. I learnt to actually fear that besotted expression in his eyes because I knew it meant we were going to have a rocky time the next week ;-(

I could feel your pain and confusion. You are not alone. This is really not your fault, Only people who have been on the receiving end really understand how traumatically painful this is. 

Love and peace to you Xx

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