Newbie here

[WisteriaLover]

Hello,

I am an adult child of a mother with BPD. I have been working independently with my own therapists and psychiatrists for over two decades - the last few years of which have been heavily invested in coping with this issue.

My mother has not been diagnosed. All attempts to get her engaged in communication classes or family therapy have been rejected. Things are only “okay” when I make sure she never feels confronted or threatened - in any way, even the slightest. I’m sure that is relatable to many if not most forum users.

I desperately need to take back my agency, maintain healthy boundaries, and work on myself to have any hope of a successful life. I know I have some great skills and aptitudes in spite of my challenges, but connecting and fully engaging with them is really, really hard when I’m the only person trying to “manage mom”. And I realize I can’t do it all alone no matter how many self-help books I buy or how wonderful my therapist is. So, here I am.  :-(

[Turkish]

I know I have some great skills and aptitudes in spite of my challenges, but connecting and fully engaging with them is really, really hard when I’m the only person trying to “manage mom”. And I realize I can’t do it all alone no matter how many self-help books I buy or how wonderful my therapist is. So, here I am.  :-(

Hi WisteriaLover,

That's what we're here for! 

How do you feel that you "manage" your mom? What does that entail?

[WisteriaLover]

Hello,

By “manage” mom, I mean attempting to ensure that she is never triggered, de-escalating conflicts that do arise, give her positive attention hoping she might feel loved and secure, and also...

I suffer from chronic migraine and nerve pain following an assault 12 years ago - it was a struggle for years to contend with her disappointment and frustration that I not have the mental or emotional energy to respond to her in exactly the way she wanted, so I finally started rescheduling any errands or social time with her so that I would always be in “peak shape”, or not there at all.

Her spouse is a retired physician with their own issues, who just walks away and shuts down when she flies off the handle. It has been that way since I was really young. There’s more to all this of course,, but these are examples of what I mean by “feeling like the only one trying to manage mom”.

And yep, I’m realizing that “trying to manage mom” is a precarious situation in which half the time I am actually enabling her illness by pulling back my boundaries, and most of the time I am doing things which are not my responsibility to do.

Thanks for responding; I’m glad I finally joined a support forum! <3

[Turkish]

And yep, I’m realizing that “trying to manage mom” is a precarious situation in which half the time I am actually enabling her illness by pulling back my boundaries, and most of the time I am doing things which are not my responsibility to do.

You sound pretty aware of the dynamic!

This top level summary can help, and there is a link at the bottom for more details and a board discussion. Let us know what you think.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[WisteriaLover]

Thank you for pointing me to the discussion about this! Funnily, it was the article I was reading this morning...

“Even when we model our values and communicate responsibly, we can still encounter boundary busters. Boundary busters are people who are caught up in their own lives and are oblivious to our needs, or possibly defiant of our values and boundaries, or simply unaware/unconvinced of there importance.”

This is where I run into the most trouble with Mom. After years of therapy (and unsurprisingly attracting more than one BPD SO/Friend/Employer) I have learned how to set reasonable boundaries consistent with my values - and that has saved me and others a lot of heartache.

I’m having a lot of pain and difficulty when it comes to my actual mother. Boundaries and next steps are the theme of my therapy appointment today.

Thanks again for your response!