uBPDxw on the Attack

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well, after I have made a point to follow through on the PC and Family T's feedback to communicate more openly, uBPDxw is not happy and is on the attack.  Surprise!

The first two posts in this thread are for background mostly to set the stage for the meat of it all, which I will post in the third message in the thread.  I have copied/pasted the actual communication with uBPDxw since it is easier for me than trying to summarize (and because not only does it give a sense of what I'm dealing with, I also invite feedback on how I should handle my own responses differently).

For those not familiar with my story, uBPDxw and I had a meeting at the beginning of September with the PC, Family T, and both of our Ls so I could get publicly reprimanded for not communicating with uBPDxw in a timely manner while going through the trauma of finding a suicide note in D11's room and subsequently taking her to the ER for psychiatric evaluation (where I spent eight hours by her side in the pediatric behavioral unit).  During that meeting, a clear message was delivered that we are to communicate more openly and do better at joint decision-making in the best interests of our kids.

...OK, sure.  They asked for it.

uBPDxw informed me the day after the meeting, that since she could not afford in-home childcare at her expense while S7 was doing remote learning, she had signed him up to participate in a program at a nearby kids' museum for the weeks he would be with her three out of five weekdays.  Prior to this, I had not agreed to send him to any kind of summer camp programming due to the risk of exposure to COVID-19 and my live-in mother going through very aggressive chemotherapy for lymphoma.

I responded back and pointed out that her message was not an invitation to discuss but rather a message to tell me that this was what was going to happen.  It was in no way collaborative or open communication for the purpose of joint decision-making in keeping with the feedback in our meeting.  I acknowledged that legally I may have no place to object to her decision regarding childcare during her custodial time at her cost, but that I did not agree with her decision.  Given the most recent conflict, I told her was not going to escalate the matter to the PC at that time and drag out further conflict.  I did send a message to the PC and Family T to highlight that I felt uBPDxw was operating under a double-standard.

Then, just one week after the meeting, I sent a message to uBPDxw expressing concern over S7's ongoing dependency on melatonin to get to sleep since he had once again begged me for it at bedtime at my house.  She dismissed me with a note that melatonin is non habit forming and has previously been OK'd by the pediatrician, clearly expecting me to drop it.  To which I responded:

I was expressing a health concern regarding one of our children. I'm not trying to create an argument, I would like to engage in a meaningful discussion, but your response is very dismissive.

Melatonin was OK'd by Pediatrician when S7 was struggling with going to bed as a toddler. He is now 7. It absolutely has become habit-forming in the consistent reliance on it to go to sleep at your house, regardless of any actual physical addiction or dependency. S7 has only had melatonin a couple times at my house over the past two years, yet he consistently argues that he needs it to get to sleep based on ongoing use at your house.

I have copied Family T for her assistance with this topic, as I want her help to 1) agree on other methods to support S7 in going to sleep at night that do not involve daily medication, and/or 2) be clear on why S7 consistently has so much trouble sleeping at your house that he has to continue to be medicated.

She did not like that.  From uBPDxw:

I was responding as succinctly as possible since I have been asked by you, Family T and PC on multiple occasions to be as clinical as possible when communicating with you.

On 5/10/19, I took S7 to see Pediatrician, with particular attention to allergy testing. During that visit, he approved continued usage of melatonin, so S7 was 6, not a toddler. If you have any further questions about when that occurred, please contact Pediatrician's office.

I vehemently deny your assertion that S7 "consistently has so much trouble sleeping at [my] house" or that he is being "medicated." Melatonin is a holistic health supplement, not a drug or medication regulated by the FDA, and it is NON-HABIT FORMING. If S7 insists on melatonin at your house and you don't agree with giving it to him, you might consider a placebo gummie.

Family T will determine if this is at all clinically relevant to her work with our family at $200/hour. In addition, please contact PC at $225/hour if you feel this is legally relevant and you want to request a Directive about a supplement he receives at my house.

But I'm still trying to keep with the open communication and work things out directly, as pushed by PC and Family T, so I persisted as calmly as I could.

FYI - I will be sure to discuss with Pediatrician from a medical perspective. Even so, whether or not there is a specific physical/medical concern about ongoing use, I strongly believe there is a behavioral and emotional impact from the habitual reliance on consumption of a sleep aid, which started when S7 was a toddler.

I do want Family T to weigh in on the two items I indicated before. If S7 does not have trouble sleeping at your house then I see no reason for the ongoing use of a sleep aid. And if he is having trouble sleeping at your house, then I am requesting to explore viable options to help him with this that do not involve continued use of the sleep aid. I will not lie to him and further support/encourage his dependency on consuming a sleep aid by providing him a placebo at my house.

Please let me know if I have misunderstood, but what I am getting from your response is that you are unwilling to even consider or discuss the possibility of any other approach to supporting S7's sleep habits. To be clear, I am not trying to get into the minute details of what goes on at your house. I am trying to address an overarching behavioral concern about long-term reliance on a sleep aid and it's resulting impact on S7's ability in general to get quality sleep without it.

I take the feedback in last week's meeting with PC very seriously, and am doing everything I can to respond accordingly by communicating openly and discussing together what is best for one of our children. This makes the second time in one week--immediately following that very pointed meeting--where you exhibit complete unwillingness to do so yourself. As I very
strongly object to being held to a double standard, I do intend to make PC aware.

The PC didn't do much other than to send out some non-response email to us both, basically saying if there is a question about whether you should contact the other parent about something then contact them before a decision is made.

uBPDxw then approached me a couple weeks later about upcoming trackout care for S7 the weeks of 10/5 and 10/12:

FYI: S7's teacher's email over the weekend clarified that S7 will be on trackout from Thur., 10/1 through Fri., 10/16. I have him registered for the week of 10/5/20, but not the week of 10/12/20. The weekly rate for members is $125/week (or $25/day). Curbside drop off is from 7:15 am to 8:05 am and curbside pick up is from 2:55 to 3:15 pm. I can take him and pick him up on Wed-Fri, 10/07 to 10/09. If you are in agreement for the following week, I can also take him and pick him up on Wed-Fri., 10/14 to Fri., 10/16. I want to us to be proactive and agree upon his care for the two weeks of trackout.
RR: Do you want to keep his registration for the week of 10/5 and have me sign him up for the week of 10/12? Are you interested in him attending Mondays and Tuesdays of those weeks?

But I had a counter-proposal for the kids to attend the program they usually attend (especially based on location and expanded hours of coverage):

Given that my mom has just recently completed her last chemotherapy treatment, she should be through her post-treatment rebound (following complete bottoming out of white blood cell counts) in early October. Based on that and the latest announcement from the governor, I was going to check with you about registering at least S7 at the YMCA for trackout camp. I would also like to discuss the possibility of sending D11 the second week, depending on whether the treatment team thinks that's advisable (I would keep her home during IOP programming of course).

RR - Please let me know if you agree to sending S7 to trackout camp at the YMCA the weeks of 10/5 and 10/12, and possibly D11 the week of 10/12. If so, I will look into the details further.

uBPDxw's response:

I am agreement on him going to the YMCA the second week of trackout. Considering the driving distance for each of us, are you open to splitting the difference so that S7 goes to Kids' Museum the week of 10/5 and both kids go to YMCA the week of 10/12?

My counter:

I understand your concern about driving distance, especially since you will be moving further into City at the end of this month. Given the need to support D11 during and around mealtimes, and the expectations of my work schedule since I do not have the flexibility that comes with being self-employed, a program in downtown City—especially one that ends in the middle of the afternoon—will not work on my end. Please confirm if you agree to S7 attending YMCA trackout camp at the YMCA both weeks, and I will let you know once registered.

uBPDxw:

I am repeating my proposal to split the difference so that S7 attends Kids' Museum the week of 10/5 and both kids go to YMCA the week of 10/12 for the following reasons:
1.) I strongly believe that Kids' Museum is in S7's best interests. He has thrived there, loves the chance to have playtime in the museum and his counselors provide daily "report cards" on the learning sessions attended and a summary of how he did that day. He is a part of a small group of kids (required to be 15 or less) and he estimates that there are only 3, maybe 4 groups. He likes how Kids' Museum is much quieter than the YMCA (and less overwhelming).
2.) A major negotiation point in June regarding his care was the cost per day. Kids' Museum is $25/day instead of $40/day at YMCA.
3.) While my work schedule is flexible, your work includes 240 hours of paid time off per year.
3.) I am offering to take him from Suburb to City every day that week, including your custodial days of Monday and Tuesday. I am offering to pick him up Monday afternoon and bring him to Suburb as it will be my turn to take him to see his T that afternoon at 5:00 pm. Therefore, I am asking that you pick him up from Kids' Museum only on Tuesday, 10/6.

RR #1: Will you agree to pick him up from Kids' Museum on Tuesday, 10/06?
RR #2: Will you please register the kids ASAP for the YMCA for the week of 10/12?
RR #3: Will you pay the full cost of both weeks for S7 and for the one week for D11?

From me:

The costs are different because they provide different value (fewer hours of care at Kids' Museum). Absolute dollar amount is not the only factor in a financial decision.

Paid time off has nothing to do with the expectations of my job regarding availability during business hours on the days that I am in fact working. My paid time off is also not yours to spend or approve, and I am setting a very specific boundary here that I will not be discussing with you how that time is--and has been--used up during a global pandemic, through multiple
medical crises, in ongoing care for our children and my mother, and to support my own physical and mental health.

Response Re #1 - Based on your offer to pick S7 up on Monday, 10/5, and return him after his appointment with T, as well as pick him up on 10/6, I will agree for him to go to Kids' Museum that week only. I have two medical appointments the afternoon of 10/6, so I will make other arrangements for him to be picked up and cared for the rest of that afternoon. I will notify you of who that will be as soon as I can so that person can be placed on an appropriate approval list to pick him up.
Response Re #2 - I will proceed with registering S7 for track out care through the YMCA for the week of 10/12. I will discuss with D11's T during family therapy tomorrow the possibility of sending D11 as well that week. I will address any remaining concerns with you and then confirm if you agree before I register her.
Response Re #3 - Although the program at Kids' Museum is a learn & play program to support students with remote learning, I will pay for it given that it is a group childcare program that S7 will be attending during a track out week. I will pay for his attendance at the YMCA track out camp the week of 10/12. If we do end up agreeing to send D11 to the YMCA program the week of 10/12 I will pay for that as well.

See Part 2...

[mama-wolf]

Well, after I have made a point to follow through on the PC and Family T's feedback to communicate more openly, uBPDxw is not happy and is on the attack.  Surprise!

The first two posts in this thread are for background mostly to set the stage for the meat of it all, which I will post in the third message in the thread.  I have copied/pasted the actual communication with uBPDxw since it is easier for me than trying to summarize (and because not only does it give a sense of what I'm dealing with, I also invite feedback on how I should handle my own responses differently).

For those not familiar with my story, uBPDxw and I had a meeting at the beginning of September with the PC, Family T, and both of our Ls so I could get publicly reprimanded for not communicating with uBPDxw in a timely manner while going through the trauma of finding a suicide note in D11's room and subsequently taking her to the ER for psychiatric evaluation (where I spent eight hours by her side in the pediatric behavioral unit).  During that meeting, a clear message was delivered that we are to communicate more openly and do better at joint decision-making in the best interests of our kids.

...OK, sure.  They asked for it.

uBPDxw informed me the day after the meeting, that since she could not afford in-home childcare at her expense while S7 was doing remote learning, she had signed him up to participate in a program at a nearby kids' museum for the weeks he would be with her three out of five weekdays.  Prior to this, I had not agreed to send him to any kind of summer camp programming due to the risk of exposure to COVID-19 and my live-in mother going through very aggressive chemotherapy for lymphoma.

I responded back and pointed out that her message was not an invitation to discuss but rather a message to tell me that this was what was going to happen.  It was in no way collaborative or open communication for the purpose of joint decision-making in keeping with the feedback in our meeting.  I acknowledged that legally I may have no place to object to her decision regarding childcare during her custodial time at her cost, but that I did not agree with her decision.  Given the most recent conflict, I told her was not going to escalate the matter to the PC at that time and drag out further conflict.  I did send a message to the PC and Family T to highlight that I felt uBPDxw was operating under a double-standard.

Then, just one week after the meeting, I sent a message to uBPDxw expressing concern over S7's ongoing dependency on melatonin to get to sleep since he had once again begged me for it at bedtime at my house.  She dismissed me with a note that melatonin is non habit forming and has previously been OK'd by the pediatrician, clearly expecting me to drop it.  To which I responded:

I was expressing a health concern regarding one of our children. I'm not trying to create an argument, I would like to engage in a meaningful discussion, but your response is very dismissive.

Melatonin was OK'd by Pediatrician when S7 was struggling with going to bed as a toddler. He is now 7. It absolutely has become habit-forming in the consistent reliance on it to go to sleep at your house, regardless of any actual physical addiction or dependency. S7 has only had melatonin a couple times at my house over the past two years, yet he consistently argues that he needs it to get to sleep based on ongoing use at your house.

I have copied Family T for her assistance with this topic, as I want her help to 1) agree on other methods to support S7 in going to sleep at night that do not involve daily medication, and/or 2) be clear on why S7 consistently has so much trouble sleeping at your house that he has to continue to be medicated.

She did not like that.  From uBPDxw:

I was responding as succinctly as possible since I have been asked by you, Family T and PC on multiple occasions to be as clinical as possible when communicating with you.

On 5/10/19, I took S7 to see Pediatrician, with particular attention to allergy testing. During that visit, he approved continued usage of melatonin, so S7 was 6, not a toddler. If you have any further questions about when that occurred, please contact Pediatrician's office.

I vehemently deny your assertion that S7 "consistently has so much trouble sleeping at [my] house" or that he is being "medicated." Melatonin is a holistic health supplement, not a drug or medication regulated by the FDA, and it is NON-HABIT FORMING. If S7 insists on melatonin at your house and you don't agree with giving it to him, you might consider a placebo gummie.

Family T will determine if this is at all clinically relevant to her work with our family at $200/hour. In addition, please contact PC at $225/hour if you feel this is legally relevant and you want to request a Directive about a supplement he receives at my house.

But I'm still trying to keep with the open communication and work things out directly, as pushed by PC and Family T, so I persisted as calmly as I could.

FYI - I will be sure to discuss with Pediatrician from a medical perspective. Even so, whether or not there is a specific physical/medical concern about ongoing use, I strongly believe there is a behavioral and emotional impact from the habitual reliance on consumption of a sleep aid, which started when S7 was a toddler.

I do want Family T to weigh in on the two items I indicated before. If S7 does not have trouble sleeping at your house then I see no reason for the ongoing use of a sleep aid. And if he is having trouble sleeping at your house, then I am requesting to explore viable options to help him with this that do not involve continued use of the sleep aid. I will not lie to him and further support/encourage his dependency on consuming a sleep aid by providing him a placebo at my house.

Please let me know if I have misunderstood, but what I am getting from your response is that you are unwilling to even consider or discuss the possibility of any other approach to supporting S7's sleep habits. To be clear, I am not trying to get into the minute details of what goes on at your house. I am trying to address an overarching behavioral concern about long-term reliance on a sleep aid and it's resulting impact on S7's ability in general to get quality sleep without it.

I take the feedback in last week's meeting with PC very seriously, and am doing everything I can to respond accordingly by communicating openly and discussing together what is best for one of our children. This makes the second time in one week--immediately following that very pointed meeting--where you exhibit complete unwillingness to do so yourself. As I very
strongly object to being held to a double standard, I do intend to make PC aware.

The PC didn't do much other than to send out some non-response email to us both, basically saying if there is a question about whether you should contact the other parent about something then contact them before a decision is made.

uBPDxw then approached me a couple weeks later about upcoming trackout care for S7 the weeks of 10/5 and 10/12:

FYI: S7's teacher's email over the weekend clarified that S7 will be on trackout from Thur., 10/1 through Fri., 10/16. I have him registered for the week of 10/5/20, but not the week of 10/12/20. The weekly rate for members is $125/week (or $25/day). Curbside drop off is from 7:15 am to 8:05 am and curbside pick up is from 2:55 to 3:15 pm. I can take him and pick him up on Wed-Fri, 10/07 to 10/09. If you are in agreement for the following week, I can also take him and pick him up on Wed-Fri., 10/14 to Fri., 10/16. I want to us to be proactive and agree upon his care for the two weeks of trackout.
RR: Do you want to keep his registration for the week of 10/5 and have me sign him up for the week of 10/12? Are you interested in him attending Mondays and Tuesdays of those weeks?

But I had a counter-proposal for the kids to attend the program they usually attend (especially based on location and expanded hours of coverage):

Given that my mom has just recently completed her last chemotherapy treatment, she should be through her post-treatment rebound (following complete bottoming out of white blood cell counts) in early October. Based on that and the latest announcement from the governor, I was going to check with you about registering at least S7 at the YMCA for trackout camp. I would also like to discuss the possibility of sending D11 the second week, depending on whether the treatment team thinks that's advisable (I would keep her home during IOP programming of course).

RR - Please let me know if you agree to sending S7 to trackout camp at the YMCA the weeks of 10/5 and 10/12, and possibly D11 the week of 10/12. If so, I will look into the details further.

uBPDxw's response:

I am agreement on him going to the YMCA the second week of trackout. Considering the driving distance for each of us, are you open to splitting the difference so that S7 goes to Kids' Museum the week of 10/5 and both kids go to YMCA the week of 10/12?

My counter:

I understand your concern about driving distance, especially since you will be moving further into City at the end of this month. Given the need to support D11 during and around mealtimes, and the expectations of my work schedule since I do not have the flexibility that comes with being self-employed, a program in downtown City—especially one that ends in the middle of the afternoon—will not work on my end. Please confirm if you agree to S7 attending YMCA trackout camp at the YMCA both weeks, and I will let you know once registered.

uBPDxw:

I am repeating my proposal to split the difference so that S7 attends Kids' Museum the week of 10/5 and both kids go to YMCA the week of 10/12 for the following reasons:
1.) I strongly believe that Kids' Museum is in S7's best interests. He has thrived there, loves the chance to have playtime in the museum and his counselors provide daily "report cards" on the learning sessions attended and a summary of how he did that day. He is a part of a small group of kids (required to be 15 or less) and he estimates that there are only 3, maybe 4 groups. He likes how Kids' Museum is much quieter than the YMCA (and less overwhelming).
2.) A major negotiation point in June regarding his care was the cost per day. Kids' Museum is $25/day instead of $40/day at YMCA.
3.) While my work schedule is flexible, your work includes 240 hours of paid time off per year.
3.) I am offering to take him from Suburb to City every day that week, including your custodial days of Monday and Tuesday. I am offering to pick him up Monday afternoon and bring him to Suburb as it will be my turn to take him to see his T that afternoon at 5:00 pm. Therefore, I am asking that you pick him up from Kids' Museum only on Tuesday, 10/6.

RR #1: Will you agree to pick him up from Kids' Museum on Tuesday, 10/06?
RR #2: Will you please register the kids ASAP for the YMCA for the week of 10/12?
RR #3: Will you pay the full cost of both weeks for S7 and for the one week for D11?

From me:

The costs are different because they provide different value (fewer hours of care at Kids' Museum). Absolute dollar amount is not the only factor in a financial decision.

Paid time off has nothing to do with the expectations of my job regarding availability during business hours on the days that I am in fact working. My paid time off is also not yours to spend or approve, and I am setting a very specific boundary here that I will not be discussing with you how that time is--and has been--used up during a global pandemic, through multiple
medical crises, in ongoing care for our children and my mother, and to support my own physical and mental health.

Response Re #1 - Based on your offer to pick S7 up on Monday, 10/5, and return him after his appointment with T, as well as pick him up on 10/6, I will agree for him to go to Kids' Museum that week only. I have two medical appointments the afternoon of 10/6, so I will make other arrangements for him to be picked up and cared for the rest of that afternoon. I will notify you of who that will be as soon as I can so that person can be placed on an appropriate approval list to pick him up.
Response Re #2 - I will proceed with registering S7 for track out care through the YMCA for the week of 10/12. I will discuss with D11's T during family therapy tomorrow the possibility of sending D11 as well that week. I will address any remaining concerns with you and then confirm if you agree before I register her.
Response Re #3 - Although the program at Kids' Museum is a learn & play program to support students with remote learning, I will pay for it given that it is a group childcare program that S7 will be attending during a track out week. I will pay for his attendance at the YMCA track out camp the week of 10/12. If we do end up agreeing to send D11 to the YMCA program the week of 10/12 I will pay for that as well.

See Part 2...

[mama-wolf]

Part 2...

Shortly after the negotiation over trackout care, S7 came home with uBPDxw's old cell phone saying she gave it to him because she got a new one.  Given that we had been told by the PC back in March to discuss before giving the kids new devices, I was again in a position of speaking up for the sake of open communication.  And after discussing with my L, I included the melatonin topic too since I did not feel we had reached a satisfactory resolution.

We previously agreed (I believe during our meeting with PC and Family T back in March, which addressed devices and monitoring) that we would discuss before providing either child with any new devices, such as a cell phone. I made a point to check with you before providing the kids with a Chromebook/laptop for their remote learning. A few days ago, you gave S7 your old Samsung cell phone without prior discussion with or agreement from me. S7 has indicated the cell service is not activated, but it is still a new device with access to the internet. PC has also previously issued a directive that each parent have equal access to the device for monitoring, etc., and you have not shared any account information or passcodes with me. I am willing to discuss whether S7 should keep this phone, and would like to understand your reasons for providing it when he already has a Chromebook and an iPad mini.

I remain very concerned about S7's sleep habits. He has indicated on multiple occasions that he still does not sleep in his room at your house (rather he sleeps in your room with you). He has also indicated that he still takes melatonin at your house every night. As this is an overarching and long-term health concern spanning years, I am asking that we work with his therapist and Family T to improve his sleep hygiene such that he 1) sleeps in his own room/bed every night, and 2) does not consume a nightly sleep aid. In the spirit of open communication regarding our children's health, I am asking that you indicate in your exchange updates here on OFW any night that he does not sleep in his own room, as well as any night that he is given melatonin in order to help him sleep. I will be sure to do the same on my end.

Please respond to these topics by end of day on Friday, 10/2.

uBPDxw's response:

Re: New device. I apologize that I did not discuss that with you sooner just as a matter or common courtesy. I forgot that PC directed us to not get new devices for either kid before discussing and agreeing among both parents. I invite your input on this. For what it's worth, I have noticed he doesn't ever use his iPad at my house and would like to propose that he keep the phone at my house and the iPad at your house. He does not use the phone without being in the same room with me and asks me before downloading any apps/games and he has not accessed Chrome/the internet on it.

Re: Melatonin and Sleeping Habits. He has not taken it or asked for it the last two nights since moving. I have talked to him several times last week and this week about how once his room is fully set up here, he MUST sleep in his own room from now on.

She specifically side-stepped some things, so I kept on it:

Thank you for your responses on these.

Re: Phone - My concern is that he believes it is his phone now. If it is to be his, then he should be able to take it where he wants. He is welcome to take his iPad with him wherever he'd like. I still have not heard your reasons regarding why a 7-year-old should have his own phone to play on, particularly when he already has other devices. I welcome Family T's perspective on this, and as I said I am willing to discuss it if there is some compelling reason. Absent that, I do not think he is old enough to have his own phone, and would prefer that he be told it is still yours but he can use it when he is with you.

Re: Sleep - RR - So that we can both work with him and his therapist on sleep hygiene, will you please confirm that you will indicate in your exchange updates for Health any night that S7 does not sleep in his own room, as well as any night that he is given melatonin in order to help him sleep? I will be sure to do the same on my end.

uBPDxw's "agreement" with conditions and more redirection on the melatonin:

Re Phone: I agree with his phone staying at my house so long as his iPad stays at your house. I want to repeat that the phone is NOT operable as a phone for calls or texts; in great contrast to the iPad, he cannot make FaceTime calls with the phone.

Re Sleep Habits: Because this has been a topic addressed in therapy with Family T, and she has found it to be clinically relevant, I will definitely include information in which bed he has slept on which nights he is at my house.

Re Melatonin: I have not received any communication from Family T that the melatonin is clinically relevant. Again, please contact Pediatrician's office to ask about the safety and usage of the melatonin on an as needed basis. I will no longer discuss this topic nor will I include such information on exchange updates.

Still keeping at it:

Re: Phone - As Family T has previously advised that the kids should be free to take their possessions with them between houses, I do not see your suggestion about forcing devices to stay in one house or the other as viable. We were given clear instruction by PC to discuss giving the kids any new devices, but you did not do so. You continue to ignore my requests to openly discuss any compelling reasons you have for why he should have one. I do not agree for him to have a phone.

Re: Melatonin - As I have indicated more than once, my concerns are behavioral in nature, not a question about physical addiction. You have chosen not to participate in any touchbase with Family T this month, so it may be difficult for her to advise whether the melatonin is clinically relevant. Regardless, I believe it should be up to S7's individual therapist to determine this.

I have made repeated attempts to discuss these topics openly with you, inviting discussion about your reasons and expressing my concerns as clearly and objectively as I can. I understand that we disagree, and had hoped we could work though that. Your repeated dismissal of my concerns and refusal to engage in any meaningful communication about these topics only continue to underscore why it is so difficult for us to work together. I will engage with PC at this point since we are at an impasse.

uBPDxw continues to downplay and doesn't want me to "run to the PC":

In your message prior to wanting to report an "impasse", you stated, "I do not think he is old enough to have his own phone, and would prefer that he be told it is still yours but he can use it when he is with you."

So, my proposal to have the phone stay at my house is consistent with your request regarding the phone. I don't see the utility/necessity of S7 having an iPad mini any more or less than the utility/necessity of S7 having a phone without cell service.

I have already apologized for neglecting to discuss it with you first; it was a mistake on my part. Please leave this alone and don't run to PC for everything -- it only escalates a small issue and incurs more legal fees for both of us. The point of having a PC is that one day we will learn to work things out on our own without asking third parties (be it PC or Family T) to tell us how to raise our children.

Nope, but still trying to keep it calm and reasonable:

I accept your apology and thank you for it. I can see why you think this is a small issue, and understand your preference to just let it go. My insistence that this be addressed has little to do with whether you actually discussed it with me first, and is solely focused on what I consider to be important concerns about the phone itself.

You won't in any way address reasons you may have for S7 to have a phone after I have asked more than once. Your proposal also contains conditions (making S7 keep his iPad at my house) to which I do not agree and which are not in keeping with prior guidance from Family T about possessions going between houses. You also specifically sidestep the question of whether the phone is in fact to be considered his, which I believe he needs to understand clearly at 7 years old that it is not. This is what leads to my belief that we are at an impasse.

As I said before, I take the feedback in our meeting with PC and Family T last month very seriously, and am doing everything I can to act accordingly. Normally I would not have responded to your latest message since I have already brought this to PC, but again I am trying to communicate more openly with you about my thoughts and reasoning. I accept that on some things we just will not agree, and I do not accept simply being told to "leave it alone" because you don't think my concerns are valid. I am utilizing the resources that are in place to address that in the best interests of our children.

uBPDxw:

I agree to tell S7 the phone is mine and that it stays only at my house.

Out of an abundance of consideration on your part, particularly since he doesn't EVER use his iPad at my house, please do not send it with him unless he specifically requests to bring it with him.

She's still trying to rope me into him keeping his iPad at my house, essentially reinforcing what I suspect is her own discouragement from him using it at her house.  THAT's the main reason I think he seems to rarely use it there.  Plus, I am really, really confused as to what "abundance of consideration" she feels entitled to here.  So, me:

I am confused by your statement about "an abundance of consideration on [my] part." What he chooses to do with his iPad has no bearing on the matter of the phone. It is his to take where he wants. I will neither encourage him to or discourage him from taking it anywhere.

See Part 3 (conclusion)...

[mama-wolf]

Part 3

Here is where we get to uBPDxw going on the attack.  She has spent significant effort trying to dismiss, downplay, and avoid the issues I have brought up.  The PC an Family T want better communication, so I take that as encouragement to persist on topics that uBPDxw's behavior would previously have caused me to take a different tactic (attempting to address through family therapy).  As others here have theorized, I think the PC and Family T have become so exhausted by uBPDxw they just don't want to deal with her anymore.  OK then.  I'll stick with it in direct communication with her and let them deal with the fallout.

So, received today from uBPDxw:

mw,

I have tried to respond to you in a reasonable and cooperative manner both as to the old Samsung phone I gave S7 and the melatonin. Despite your assertions that you aren’t trying to “nit-pick”, but are only looking out for the “best interests of the children” and trying to comply with the feedback following last month’s meeting with Family T and PC, it is difficult for me to believe this is the motivating factor behind your recent barrage of badgering emails.

Rather, following last month’s meeting with Family T and PC to address your failure to notify me at all, much less in a timely manner about finding D11's suicide note or taking her to the ER, your response to and/or raising of certain “issues” seem to have increased significantly and are disproportionate to the circumstances. Instead it seems like you are trying to somehow keep score and are actively searching for complaints you can raise against me to put a strike in some imaginary column to even us out – like some sort of abacus.

More than just your constant emails about topics, it is your refusal to consider your own actions and inactions that supports this concern.

1. Devices –

a. Alexa Devices: While you did give me a heads-up on S7's first Chromebook and his i-Pad and a laptop and iPad for D11, you never once asked if it was ok for the kids to have an “Alexa” device in their respective rooms. These devices most certainly have internet connections not to mention AI which listens to everything the kids do in their rooms and then shares that information with Amazon. In addition, based on comments I’ve heard, you treat Alexa like it’s some sort of substitute parent: Alexa is S7's alarm clock, reads books to him, and helps him with homework. To me, that is much more concerning than an old phone he can play games on.

So, just as you’ve asked about the phone I gave S7 – why did you give him an Alexa if he has a Chromebook and an i-pad? Why did he need another device and what is it's substantive purpose? What is your proposed solution to address the Alexa devices in the kids' rooms?

b. Old Samsung “Phone” - This is now my second acknowledgment that I apologized for not talking to you about the phone first. My reasons for giving him the old device:

(i) He already plays games e.g., Roblox, on my phone since Cousin introduced him to it at the Beach.
(ii) All games he downloads are rated E and he has been very cooperative about asking me prior to downloading ANYTHING.
(iii) He uses the phone to email me or my Dad or one of his cousins. I have NEVER once seen him get on Google Chrome. I repeat, he NEVER uses his iPad at my house.
(iv.) My suggestion for leaving the devices at our respective homes (i-pad at yours and old phone at mine) is simply a practical suggestion to avoid inconvenience if a device is left at the other house following an exchange.
(v.) The Lock-Code is xxxx. S7 would have told you if you’d asked, but feel free to look at it all you want.

2. Melatonin – in one of your prior emails, you asserted that S7 taking Melatonin while at my house was on par with D11's suicide note. I can’t imagine anyone (other than you), would even think these two ranked similarly, especially where one is a natural OTC supplement S7's pediatrician ok’d.  Again – this smells of trying to keep score. And should it matter that much to you, why have you not called S7’s pediatrician to comment?

Please stop pretending that you have tried to “repeatedly discuss these topics with me in an open manner” when all you’re trying to do is mark the scoreboard. I implore you to self-reflect prior to taking a defensive if not aggressive tone to me in your messages. Fighting over an old phone and melatonin is counterproductive to the overarching goal of family therapy and a PC: we must learn to work together, not escalate every perceived slight as clinically or legally relevant.

uBPDxw

That message came to me the same day that she had her L send my L a letter pushing for me to pay for all of her in-home childcare expenses from the summer since I wouldn't agree to send S7 to a summer camp program in a global pandemic (an ongoing financial dispute for the past few months).  Setting that aside, her note was so full of deflection, projection, and attacks I almost have to laugh because it's exactly what I have expected.

The thing with the Alexa devices is that she has known about them for six months but she hasn't raised any concerns until now.  Anyway, my answer:

I can understand why you see the communication from me since our meeting on September 2nd the way you do. Prior to that meeting, I stopped addressing matters directly with you at your first pushback and attempted to address it through Family T within our family therapy--or even PC if I felt it was still necessary to do so. Not only have PC and Family T recently given a strong admonishment to change that approach, you yourself have frequently expressed your frustration about me not attempting to work things out directly.

I am now making a concerted effort to be more open and communicate directly on these topics. This was a major takeaway I had from the meeting, and I did not consider that feedback about communication to be constrained only to critical healthcare or safety situations. And of course, if we still cannot come to agreement, then Family T and PC are still resources to seek out for help in achieving resolution.

From your message, I think you are feeling attacked, and if so I'm sorry for causing you to feel that way. Whether you believe me or not, I am not out to keep score. I am trying to discuss topics that I think are important, and I am very much focused on improving my communication. Part of that communication involves me following up when I have asked a question that you specifically don't answer, and asserting myself when I think you are dismissing or ignoring my concerns. I am not getting defensive about your responses, nor am I trying to be aggressive in mine, and at the same time I will not walk on eggshells. I cannot control how you perceive things, nor am I responsible for how you feel about my choices and what I consider to be important.

Re: Alexa Devices - I can see your perspective about these devices, and would probably feel the same way as you about the situation if I were in your shoes. To clarify, I did not ask you about them because they are my household devices that I have chosen to install on my home network. Since I wanted the kids to be able to use them, I made sure to purchase Amazon Echo Dot Kids Edition so that they automatically contained controls and restrictions similar to the parental controls on the TVs in the house. However, they only "belong" to the kids in so much as they are in each of their rooms.

Re: Phone - There really is no need to repeat apologies. As I stated before, my focus is concern over the phone itself at this point. As far as games and email, he already has that capability on the iPad, so again I am confused as to why he would now need a phone in order to do those things. If you say he never uses the iPad at your house, the only thing I can guess is that there is some reason why he feels like he cannot or should not use it there. At this point, I still do not see any compelling reason for him to have the phone and believe (at age 7) that it is his possession. I repeat that I support you letting him use it at your house with the understanding that it is yours and not his.

Re: Melatonin - I am sorry for any confusion over how I view the severity of the healthcare concerns. I did not mean to suggest that my issue with the melatonin is similar in nature to your concerns over communication regarding D11's suicide ideation. Severity is not the question here, and as I stated above I understood the instruction to communicate more openly to apply beyond critical/emergency medical matters. I consider the habitual dependency on melatonin as a nightly sleep aid for S7 to be of enough importance to be addressed since it has gone on for years and I am concerned about impact on S7's ability to develop healthy sleep habits. This is not a matter of physical addiction or dependency, which is why I have not made it a priority to call the pediatrician yet. My concern is behavioral in nature, which is why I wish it addressed as a therapeutic topic.

I appreciate you following up with additional information and giving me an opportunity to clarify a few things in hopes it helps the discussion.

I also forwarded this to the PC and Family T asking that they intervene on her attacking me for doing what they asked me to do.  We'll see what comes of it, but one way or another I'm sure it will be an interesting couple of days.

And I'm already anticipating that she will have plenty to say when I let her know that D11 is currently taking melatonin as part of her daily medications that were started when she went in for treatment of her eating disorder.  I already discussed that piece with my T and agree with her that it's not relevant to the concern about S7...but uBPDxw sure as hell will try to make it be.

mw

[worriedStepmom]

That was exhausting to read.  I can't imagine how exhausting it is to live.

I loove when they try to spend our vacation time for us.  That made me laugh a lot. I also laughed at how mad she is that you want to talk to the family T and the PC, given that she runs to them a lot.  It's only okay for her to do it, not for you.

So she moved further away from you and the kids?  That's interesting, for someone supposedly wanting more involvement.

You communicate a lot like I do - very detailed, very wordy, and very professional.  I wonder if it would help you to trim your responses?  To ignore all of the emotional crap that she spews and not respond to any of that?  Of course, sometimes I respond to those on purpose to trigger the meltdown and show everyone watching what's really going on.

[mama-wolf]

That was exhausting to read.  I can't imagine how exhausting it is to live.

LOL, worriedStepmom, it was!  I debated pretty heavily about posting it all because I didn't want to put people off, but it really helped me line it all up in one place (sanity check), and I figured there could be some useful opportunities for feedback.  I really appreciate you taking the time to look through it!

I loove when they try to spend our vacation time for us.  That made me laugh a lot.

Yes, there are common topics of resentment that keep popping up from uBPDxw.  One of them is how much PTO I get from work, given that she basically gets none being self-employed.  She used to decide a lot about how that time got used before we separated and somehow expects to still have some influence over that now.  Her skewed sense of entitlement just baffles me sometimes!

I also laughed at how mad she is that you want to talk to the family T and the PC, given that she runs to them a lot.  It's only okay for her to do it, not for you.

Yep!  The pattern I see is that she tries to push me as much as possible, and then as soon as I say enough she tells me to stop running to the professionals.  What I saw with this round was her stonewalling and dismissing things, which is exactly what she accuses me of doing when I'm upholding my boundaries.  In her mind, she's trying to give me a "taste of my own medicine" even though it's not about her boundaries in this case.  So then she panics when I say "no problem, let's take it to the PC" because she knows she's intentionally being uncooperative and petulant.

So she moved further away from you and the kids?  That's interesting, for someone supposedly wanting more involvement.

Well, she had moved closer temporarily (like for three months) and has now moved to where I think she'll stay for at least a couple years.  In the newest place, she is ever so slightly closer than she was when we first separated, but I was still surprised where she ended up.  The kids go to school near my house, their various healthcare providers are all near my house, etc.  I'm sure I'll be in for pressure from her to move at least S7 to a school close to her at some point.

You communicate a lot like I do - very detailed, very wordy, and very professional.  I wonder if it would help you to trim your responses?  To ignore all of the emotional crap that she spews and not respond to any of that?  Of course, sometimes I respond to those on purpose to trigger the meltdown and show everyone watching what's really going on.

Yes, I had gotten really, really careful about trimming down my communication to the bare minimum.  But with the whole push to communicate more openly, I figured I would revert back to my natural style (even so, I cut out a lot of things I wanted to say!)...I had some encouragement here about maybe "breaking the system" as it were by almost over-communicating.  Basically with that same goal you mentioned in mind...providing ample opportunity for uBPDxw to get triggered and show how truly incapable she is of actual effective communication and working together. 

I spoke with the Family T today and she said she would be talking to uBPDxw's T about how unhelpful her response is...so at least there's that!

mw

[kells76]

Good to hear from you again 

That was exhausting to read.  I can't imagine how exhausting it is to live.

You have WAY more patience than I would have. I would've gotten snippy pretty soon. And I bet she was always like that, huh? DH's kids' mom hasn't changed over all these years, and it sounds like she was the same back when they were married -- the "it's never my fault" contortions, the endless streams of consciousness, the deflecting and "what-about-isms".

I had some encouragement here about maybe "breaking the system" as it were by almost over-communicating.  Basically with that same goal you mentioned in mind...providing ample opportunity for uBPDxw to get triggered and show how truly incapable she is of actual effective communication and working together.

I spoke with the Family T today and she said she would be talking to uBPDxw's T about how unhelpful her response is...so at least there's that!

Yeah, that's my hope for all this -- that if the professionals are like, "oh, if MW just communicates more, that'll fix things!" and then you do... and it doesn't fix things... that the next move won't be "let's make MW do this other thing to fix things". That it'll be like you said -- the spotlight will pivot to xW, because your communicating "exactly like the professionals want" then takes you out of the equation as a variable... and then there are still problems... and then the question is, who is left in the equation? Who is left who is still contributing to the problem?

Fingers crossed that this changes things.

...

When you have time (!), how's D11? Is she getting some more "focus areas" besides the ED? With school started again, is that keeping her busy? Is she picking up any new crafts or hobbies? Does she talk about "normal" stuff sometimes (movies, comics, friends, shows, etc)?

  again

[mama-wolf]

And I bet she was always like that, huh? DH's kids' mom hasn't changed over all these years, and it sounds like she was the same back when they were married -- the "it's never my fault" contortions, the endless streams of consciousness, the deflecting and "what-about-isms".

Yes, kells76, always...and it's really frustrating to me that it took me so long to see it for what it was.  The deflections and projections especially threw me off for so long, and I'm sure she still uses them because they were so successful in the past.

Funny thing, though...she used to always praise my "endless patience" and comment on how she could never be as patient as me.  Of course, now she really hates that that patience is being used against her, so to say...she really puts it to the test, but I'm sure it pisses her off that she can't provoke me the same way she gets provoked.

Things have been quiet from my ex for almost a week now.  In her update message to me yesterday about S7, she did include information about him co-sleeping with her at the beach this past weekend (some excuse about the other bedroom being too far from hers, so I'm guessing he was too scared to sleep there on his own) and having taken melatonin.  Still no further response about the phone, though he made a comment last night about how he forgot "his" phone at her house.

When you have time (!), how's D11? Is she getting some more "focus areas" besides the ED? With school started again, is that keeping her busy? Is she picking up any new crafts or hobbies? Does she talk about "normal" stuff sometimes (movies, comics, friends, shows, etc)?

Thank you for asking!  She is doing really well, all things considered.  She did a complete redecoration of her room, and has been happy to step down from partial hospitalization to the intensive outpatient program.  She hasn't supplemented for any meals in several weeks, has less anxiety around mealtimes (though there still is some), and is making a point to not look at calorie information on nutrition labels (she still looks at the breakdown of protein, carbs, etc. to understand how something adds up to the exchanges she's supposed to get, but this is progress at least).  For a little over a week, she has had the choice to have 4-6 exchanges at snacktime, and has chosen on multiple occasions to have more than just the minimum four.  We baked a small cake over the weekend, and she even licked the spoon!

Today, she actually let me drop her off at the YMCA for a day of trackout camp.  There's no IOP programming today, and the last couple of times she has had a day at home without at least that to log into (no matter how much she prefers not to), she has been pretty bored because I have to work.  Her therapist and I thought it would be a good opportunity for her to try going to do some activities with peers.  She initially refused, then agreed, then tried to refuse again last night.  But she did well this morning getting dropped off with her brother.  I'm anticipating a call at some point in the day if she gets too overwhelmed, but we'll see.  I'm really hoping things go well so that she'll go for one more day on Thursday.

The trackout break is over after this week, so next week will be the beginning of D11 starting to integrate more fully in with her classes.  For the first half of the semester, she had a trimmed down workload, and I'm going to try to keep it that way at least until she completes IOP.  Then we'll see what kind of modifications might be needed as we move into the rest of the school year, but I'm at least glad that she'll have set times to log in with classmates and interact more.  She always got so much fulfillment from school!

The biggest struggle for me comes when D11 does get overwhelmed or anxious, leading her to a strong emotional reaction and her ability to respect boundaries flies completely out the window.  She insists that I answer her, and answer her the way she wants to hear it/agree with her, and follows me around demanding that answer.  When my patience starts to run out in trying to stay calm and firm, I tell her I have to walk away and take a break, but she does not respect it, and it is very, very hard not to get angry and upset with her.  I do let her see how it's impacting me a little bit (she has to know I'm not a robot), but rein it in a LOT because I know how damaging it could be if I react poorly.  It just really takes me back to when uBPDxw would dysregulate and not let go of a subject, though I'm able to maintain awareness on some level of the different dynamic of this being my child.  It's really difficult though.  And if she sees much anger from me, she immediately starts to freak out and says I'm turning into uBPDxw.  That may in part be a manipulation tactic, but I truly believe she's also getting triggered because of past trauma from uBPDxw.

mw

[worriedStepmom]

The biggest struggle for me comes when D11 does get overwhelmed or anxious, leading her to a strong emotional reaction and her ability to respect boundaries flies completely out the window.  She insists that I answer her, and answer her the way she wants to hear it/agree with her, and follows me around demanding that answer.  When my patience starts to run out in trying to stay calm and firm, I tell her I have to walk away and take a break, but she does not respect it, and it is very, very hard not to get angry and upset with her.  I do let her see how it's impacting me a little bit (she has to know I'm not a robot), but rein it in a LOT because I know how damaging it could be if I react poorly.  It just really takes me back to when uBPDxw would dysregulate and not let go of a subject, though I'm able to maintain awareness on some level of the different dynamic of this being my child.  It's really difficult though.  And if she sees much anger from me, she immediately starts to freak out and says I'm turning into uBPDxw.  That may in part be a manipulation tactic, but I truly believe she's also getting triggered because of past trauma from uBPDxw.

I have been known to lock myself in my bathroom with a book to get away from my kids for a little bit.  Closet works too, but it doesn't have a lock on the door.

Or go for a walk, or for a drive.

It's okay to leave for a little bit if you have to (and there's someone to watch the kids), to get a break.

[formflier]

MamaWolf

FF is standing at attention and saluting you for standing up for your kids.

be clear on why S7 consistently has so much trouble sleeping at your house that he has to continue to be medicated.

Oh...I mean...I literally stood up from my couch and said YES!

Listen, often the world between nons and pwBPD seems like a battle.   (or is)  It is so satisfying to watch "them" when they think they have you and are going to twist the knife and shove it deeper...when the nons come right out and punch them in the nose...KO them even.

No idea if anyone here likes MMA.  From time to time I will watch it.  This poor guy that catches the heel is a stand in for the pwBPD...you would think that if you have someone caught by one foot, you have them. 

The "non" calmly and quickly delivers an awe inspiring move...

Enjoy the watch...I wish I had the skills to edit this so it was Mama Wolf and Mama Wolf Ex...

https://twitter.com/ufc/status/1315066583962849283


You've got this MamaWolf! Keep it up.

Best,

FF

[mama-wolf]

Oh...I mean...I literally stood up from my couch and said YES!

LOL thank you, FF!  I loved the UFC clip as well.

uBPDxw sent me an update message in the parenting portal on Monday and did acknowledge that S7 had melatonin and co-slept with her on Friday and Saturday night while they were at the beach.  I was suspicious of the obvious omission of reference to the other nights he was with her (Wed-Thur and Sunday), so I responded and calmly asked for clarification on whether he had melatonin or co-slept with her any of those other nights.  She said "to [her] recollection" he didn't have melatonin any of those nights, but he did co-sleep with her because his bedframe was damaged in her recent move.  Which seems like a BS excuse because she could just put his mattress and box springs on the floor and still make up his bed in his room.  But OK, I at least cornered her and showed where she was giving me partial information.

Then I got an email yesterday from the PC that basically said he spoke with Family T and with uBPDxw, I should expect a message soon from uBPDxw, and to reach out to him if we could not come to agreement after this latest "round."

Then a little while later, uBPDxw sent:

mw,

PC called me today.  Per that conversation, I want to say:

• I will cease use of melatonin over the course of the next 10 days, particularly during my next five days with him 10/21 to 10/25.
• I understand your concern and agree that telling S7 he has a phone is patently unfair to D11.  I will explain to him that (i) it is my phone for him to use with my permission and under supervision and (ii) since that phone belongs to me, it will stay at my house.

Thank you,
uBPDxw

So there's that!  Though fairness to D11 was carefully kept out of most of my objections because it really wasn't about her, though there is an element there.  I thanked her for the update, but after thinking about the omission of details earlier in the week I decided to send a brief follow-up request:

uBPDxw,

I did not have an opportunity to follow up in more depth yesterday, but did want to clarify with regards to the sleep topic because my concerns are not only limited to the use of melatonin.

To ensure open communication regarding overall sleep health, and to be able to address this together with S7's individual therapist, could you please confirm here that you will notify me of any evening that S7 does not sleep in his own bed and/or receives melatonin as a sleep aid? 

You did provide me some updates on this in the exchange message you sent via OFW on Monday, but the information was initially incomplete.  I want to make sure there is no confusion about this communication piece, because in order to work together and help S7 with these issues I would have to be kept in the loop on the status.

mw

She responded saying my "request is valid" and confirmed she will "keep me in the loop."  I feel like nailing her down more specifically on whether that means she will update me as I requested (we probably have different definitions of what that looks like), but am concerned the PC will decide I'm being antagonistic.

mw

[worriedStepmom]

It's kinda nice when she gets called on the carpet and made to be reasonable, isn't it?

I think I would let it go now.  In the future, when you find out she isn't sharing complete information, you should have enough based on this exchange to slam her for it.

[formflier]

Let the PC get to the point of saying "too much". 

Or if you are positive you are getting there, perhaps you mention it.

Honestly...I don't see it, details matter...GREATLY and you are probing for details and/or clarifying there are gaps in "recollection".

Come on...get your MMA fighter on and send a terse message about logging medicine and "any and all" supplements that go in the childs mouth.  (you can do this...!)

Best,

FF

[mama-wolf]

It's tempting to keep pressing, FF.  The aggression of MMA definitely suits my anger and resentment towards uBPDxw, but ninja stealth is a little more my style, and I find it can be more effective in the long run. 

I'm with worriedStepmom on this one, and am going to let it rest for the time being.  I have "won" this round, so pushing harder probably isn't going to bring the as much return on my investment of energy as applying that same energy elsewhere could.  Besides, when the time comes that she omits information again, that's just her putting another nail in her own coffin.

mw

[formflier]

so pushing harder probably isn't going to bring the as much return on my investment of energy 

A very wise way to look at it.

Is there a way to send the same message, with positivity (is that even a word?) and "end" this particular discussion on an up note, that clearly lays out issues.

Hmmm..something like "Thank you for agreeing to complete openness about S7 sleep concerns I raised.  I hope we can continue to coparent in a an open and collaborative way."

What do you think?

Best,

FF

[MeandThee29]

It's tempting to keep pressing, FF.  The aggression of MMA definitely suits my anger and resentment towards uBPDxw, but ninja stealth is a little more my style, and I find it can be more effective in the long run. 

I'm with worriedStepmom on this one, and am going to let it rest for the time being.  I have "won" this round, so pushing harder probably isn't going to bring the as much return on my investment of energy as applying that same energy elsewhere could.  Besides, when the time comes that she omits information again, that's just her putting another nail in her own coffin.

mw

Sounds like you have a plan. There were several times during the divorce process and in closeout where I said, "Good enough." I had to weigh yet more legal fees and frustration versus getting precisely what I wanted. It's a tradeoff.

As an example, there was a point in closeout where a specialist we hired recommended a forensic accountant to value certain things. Considering the expense, delay, and potential fight that would cause, I said no. I decided that the numbers were "good enough." No regret about that. Then the pandemic hit, my guess is that the whole thing would have taken months and months.